Good morning and thank you for um…setting aside your schedule of busy Sputnikmusic debauchery and endless page refreshes to get to the nitty gritty of “how to review music”, hacks, roms and workarounds. In this segment we’ll be cross checking different staffers’ approaches to putting um… words together. Maybe you’re a budding reviewer, on the cusp of greatness, searching for that piece of the puzzle lost on the floor or maybe your mum just logged you on to the household’s singular trusty laptop and you don’t know what to do with your fifteen-minute screen allowance before the older sibling demands the computer for…research? Either way, you’ve come to the right place!

We hopped on a ship (it might be called Spunik #1) to visit a kid from Mars, the one and only Zapruder defender Mitch Worden. Let’s ambush him with the questions we maybe need some answers to.

First off. Who are you and how did you get here? 

landscape on planet Mars, scenic desert scene on the red planet

I ask myself this question staring into the mirror every morning. Still don’t have an answer. Send help.

OK anyways, hello! I am MarsKid, otherwise known as Mitch or the single remaining Persefone fan on this godforsaken corner of the web. I write a lot, much of it pertaining to metal of varying degrees of quality, and I am a proud member of Sputnik’s core-fam.

How many reviews do you have on this site? No, disregard that. How many reviews are you truly proud of?

I’d say I am normally ‘satisfied’ with whatever output I post on the website. I feel as though ‘proud’ is more meaningful in this context, and it’s not a level hit as consistently as I’d want. Now that my writing style is based more around a loose, conversational methodology, I would say the hits are currently outnumbering the misses, but there’s a lurking nag for some reviews where I walk away as if it’s lacking in some regard. Caring less for length, word count and other such matters was certainly a massive aid in refining things, which has made my points much more precise and they come across more confidently; I don’t sense a necessity to go overboard and I know when to rein myself in. As a consequence, when I genuinely have a LOT to cover–the latest Acres release, for example–it feels all the more rewarding to have an authentic, all-out longboi writing piece.

Do you have a style? Explain it in words easy enough for a simpleton to follow please.

Breaking an album down into its base components and explaining, preferably in a humorous or otherwise entertaining way, why those components do/do not work.

What’s important when reviewing music?

The music. Not a joke; it’s important to give the audience somewhat of a concept of what they’re in for. It’s something I talked with Johnny about when doing Staff Wars, as writers can either provide so little detail (the record has guitars, we know nothing else, WHAT DO THEY DO?!) or they bombard with embellishments (Parkway Drive single reviews on major metal sites… *yuck*) to where the record’s essence is lost. That’s not to discourage a good ol’ fashioned hype review or a piece that may focus on a story rather than how exactly an album sounds, but those are meant to be infrequent and appropriate for the disc at hand. The ensuing review should still present a snapshot for a potential listener, or at least encapsulate its possible resonance.

I’m wary of repeating myself, but finding a voice is also crucial. Jesper touched on this as well in his responses; readers want to have fun or at least find enjoyment in a review. It doesn’t NEED to be humorous–a well-designed critique can have a particular thrill in its thorough deconstruction–but jokes, personal anecdotes, and other possible flavorings can make a review pop. Someone can read it and know it was YOU who wrote it, nobody else.

Word Salad or meaty fist? Which style gets the honey?

Entirely dependent on the album. I feel some demand in-depth discussion that can be difficult to trim, whereas others can be whittled down into a relatively brief review. I tend to favor the latter nowadays after having indulged my thesaurus one too many times, but as aforementioned, I do still enjoy being able to turn my brain off for a bit and just type away!*

*small problem: copious amounts of proofreading usually required

How to review an album in five easy steps?

1. Listen at least three times. Give the album time to breathe. Knee-jerk reactions can be potent, but deceptively so on occasion; let your mind settle before committing to an opinion.

2. Leave notes and/or have the album playing while reviewing. I think it’s a wonderful way to be in the mindset of, “I am me and I am reviewing this album, which I am currently listening to!” Wild, that.

3. Write. Don’t be too hesitant to just get thoughts out there! Try to get whatever you need to get on the page. Because…

4. … drafting is important! When you start writing, that is the first draft. First drafts are generally rough. That is a beautiful thing; it is a raw expression of feeling over a record. Two or three drafts can help to outline the review, describe the album accurately, and give a solid foundation to keep drafting on.

5. Once reaching a draft you’re confident in, find yourself a proofreading buddy! These are everywhere on Sput. Don’t be shy! We don’t bite. Well, except for that one time when Tyman convinced me to listen to the new Invent Animate, and then [my legal team has asked me to redact this portion]

Take a look to the left and right of your class for me. Is there a style here that you think reviewers on this site (and elsewhere) should emulate more? Why? What sets this writer apart, above or in the next pay grade?

I think there has generally been an increased lean on humor, sarcasm, and an overall carefree tone that has helped reviews attain more character than before. The art of writing feels less robotic and more of a creative exercise, in a way! As many others have observed, music critique is currently dominated by short-form, easy-to-consume clips or videos that can be popped on in the background. Such a luxury is not afforded to a written piece, and as such, I feel an author needs to do a bit heavier lifting to engage an audience. A slice of comedy or aloofness works much better than stoic uber-professionalism. Johnny has been emblematic of this for a while now, and I think it’s an effective counter to the changing tides of media criticism.

Sunnyvale is also the captain of brevity; you will know exactly what an album’s about, how they feel about it, and what you’ll get from it in a concise, direct manner. No bullshit, just straight-up talent with regards to tight-knit prose. Writers like them have inspired a general turn towards brevity pieces as a whole, which is typically preferable to word salads–although, again, depends on the album!

What or how should you react if offered blistering, blunt criticism when writing [at any level]?

Not quite sure; most critique in staff circles is very respectful and insightful. I believe that, for better or for worse, Sputnik’s userbase usually had a harsher stance towards reviews that weren’t up to a certain level of quality, but those times have seemingly passed.

a lite warning to those currently plastering reviews up and down that left had column…maybe those days will return…

It’s a little bit of a shame; I think that it can be very helpful to have someone call you out in certain cases. I fondly remember an English teacher from my high school that was notorious for being ‘harsh’. Truth of the matter was that he really wasn’t out of line; rather, he’d pick apart an essay like a surgeon, revealing both where things went wrong, where they went right, and possible improvements. He was merciless with critique, yet gracious in praise. However, people who coasted through English–a stereotypically easy course, provided one does the bare minimum–would quickly run into a wall with this instructor. If he noticed someone breezing by, they didn’t escape unscathed. And, as someone that was indeed coasting? I needed that. It was motivational and helped me realize how lazy my writing had become through the years. When approaching a new assignment, I had to apply myself more and truly dedicate time to crafting an ironclad argument.

In saying that, it should be mentioned that there’s a fine line between blunt criticism and plainly impolite commentary. It’s not worthwhile to tear someone down out of pure discourtesy and I find such statements emerge commonly from a bad-faith perspective.

Tl;dr Take any and all criticism with respect, it can be a valuable and necessary asset to a writer.

On the other end of the scale without naming fingers or pointing names do you think there’s something professional reviewers should be stepping away from? I mean you could be really, really vague here but I’d love something specifically pointed, dirty, possibly blackmail worthy.

To be as vague as possible, I believe that writers need to take proofreading and proofreading buddies seriously. Sput is a small, devoted community full of incredibly intelligent individuals and a multitude of writers; use that resource! Never hesitate to reach out. Some stuff just doesn’t seem particularly polished. It is also possible to be TOO brief, and I’m worried that the push towards short-form writing will make the occasional long-form review go extinct.

Basically, step away from firing from the hip, get more eyeballs looking in the drafting phase.

Your favourite review found in the dusty catacombs of Sputnikmusic’s dusty servers?

Trebor’s review for a Defeater album–I think Abandoned is the one?–is always worth a good laugh. Has one of my favorite opening lines; it’s just so up-front and brutal, setting the tone for the ensuing critique that essentially takes the piss out of the group’s entire career. Super deep record though, cause y’know, it was written from the train track’s point of view!

And separately, the review that first inspired you to write for Sputnik, become a contributor and eventually become Staff?

This is also a favorite review of mine! The meme potential of it has never been tapped into despite being an absolute mess of a review. It’s for Wolverine’s Communication Lost. Dude has disappeared from the site so I’m guilt-free: https://www.sputnikmusic.com/review/43744/Wolverine-Communication-Lost/

I loved that album and was curious to find other opinions on it. Somehow, someway, this led me down the road to Sputnik, where I found that particular piece and felt very disappointed. It was just a poor attempt at describing an album, had several technical errors, and reached conclusions that came across as random or otherwise poorly supported. It was enough to inspire me, making me think “Hey, maybe I could do this writing thing and do it better!” It took quite a few years since then before I committed significant time to writing, but that’s where the journey began.

The listener is the hook, Gnocchi. Never forget.

Parting words for new faces, scribes or people who only type using their respective pointer fingers?

Believe it or not, that’s how I type! My schools never featured a typing class and nobody ever really endeavored to teach me, so I progressed through life thinking my peck-typing method was entirely normal. It wasn’t until later in life when peers noticed my style that I realized it wasn’t typical. I guess it works, but I have a feeling my typing speed is markedly slower than most.

But to anyone else that is writing more, or has recently been promoted: keep writing! Never stop. The best way to improve is to remain inspired, maintain that restless creativity. Experiment with voices, formats, or whatever else to keep your creative gears turning.

When does the next generation take over?

The future is now, old man.

Old man? I might go cry into my dusty beard now…

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