Welcome back to Sputnikmusic’s maybe possibly most helpful segment where we discuss the ins and outs of reviewing music and all its glory! Maybe you’re a budding reviewer, on the cusp of greatness, searching for that piece of the puzzle lost on the floor or maybe your mum just logged you on to the household’s singular trusty laptop and you don’t know what to do with your fifteen-minute screen allowance before the older sibling demands the computer for…research? Either way, you’ve come to the right place!

First off. How did you get in here? What are you? This place doesn’t seem to have doors.

I’m just a mysterious lad with a Trailer Park Boys-derived moniker whose late-blooming interest in music quickly turned to obsession, which led me inevitably down into the dingy corridors of Sputnik. I don’t remember the first thing I read on Sput, but it was probably some review for Bob Dylan or Led Zeppelin or Tom Petty or the like. Now, some twelve years or so later, here I am. For the vast majority of my tenure on Sput, I never had any thought of being a contrib, let alone staff, but the ways of life are mysterious, I guess.

Milo would like to know who your musician union representative is. I would like to know why.

I’m gonna go with Mark Knopfler, probably my favorite guitarist, and I think his “chill but emotional” style of playing resonates with how I try to review: laid-back but letting…

So it’s been *checks notes* a hot minute since we’ve done this but in case it’s your first day here or the first sober moment since those mushrooms turned on you this is where we vaguely cover “how to review an album”. That is to say in this segment we’ll be cross checking different staffers’ approaches to putting words together. Maybe you’re a budding reviewer, on the cusp of greatness, searching for that piece of the puzzle lost on the floor or maybe your mum just logged you on to the household’s singular trusty laptop and you don’t know what to do with your fifteen minute screen allowance before the older sibling demands the computer for…research? Either way, you’ve come to the right place!

First off. Who are you and how did you get here?

I’m Kompy I got here cuz I got locked out of my Webkinz account and figured this was the next best thing. 

But you are the show-poni of the hour. The creme della creme. How has your reviewing got you to this perceivable reception point? What makes Kompys so chompy?

Weed brownies and poor sleep health

Weed, brownies or weed brownies? Remind me to compare recipe cards later.

Ooh, got anything with walnuts?

A couple of salads, nothing of note. Maybe some caramalised beetroot?

You always know how to make a mouth water, chef!

And how does that cream turn to butter? Hard work? Dedication?…

So it’s been *checks notes* a hot minute since we’ve done this but in case it’s your first day here or the first sober moment since those mushrooms turned on you this is where we vaguely cover “how to review an album”. That is to say in this segment we’ll be cross checking different staffers’ approaches to putting words together. Maybe you’re a budding reviewer, on the cusp of greatness, searching for that piece of the puzzle lost on the floor or maybe your mum just logged you on to the household’s singular trusty laptop and you don’t know what to do with your fifteen minute screen allowance before the older sibling demands the computer for…research? Either way, you’ve come to the right place.

First off. Who are you and how did you get here?

Hey, I’m Alex, AKA robertsona, and I’ve been using Sputnikmusic for about 14 years, with about a decade under my belt as Staff. I think I found Sputnikmusic in trying to supplement Pitchfork with other sources of music news and reviews, and evidently the idea of writing my own reviews and putting them out there for consumption was appealing: from May 2009, when I was 13 years old, to August 2013, when I turned 18, I wrote well over 100 reviews for the site. I currently live with fellow Sputnikmusic user ArsMoriendi in Manhattan, and I teach high school English around New York City.

Wait. You’re not Robert? I feel betrayed right now!

To integrate…

You guys probably get the gist of this by now, right? But just in case you haven’t or you’re new or GetLow this is where we vaguely cover “how to review an album”. That is to say in this segment we’ll be cross checking different staffers’ approaches to putting words together. Maybe you’re a budding reviewer, on the cusp of greatness, searching for that piece of the puzzle lost on the floor or maybe your mum just logged you on to the household’s singular trusty laptop and you don’t know what to do with your fifteen-minute screen allowance before the older sibling demands the computer for…research? Either way, you’ve come to the right place!

I want to chat with the guy who inspired a nutritious breakfast drink (we will take sponsorship if you’re out there Nestle). No? Rude. Anyways… Mr. M. Ruggles. The one and only ladies, man, ladies-man, jellybeans, lo-fi aficionados…

First off. Who are you and how did you get here?

Some bloke shook me awake and said, “This is the last stop.” I wasn’t entirely sure where I was, but once I alighted the bus, I grabbed the nearest man with lapels by his lapels and started screaming about how blackgaze was coming along just fine until Numenorean showed up, and then I thought I was being restrained but everybody was cheering, and they crowd surfed me to wherever this is.

Here’s another version of the truth. Picture a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed lad from a quaint wee…

Hopefully by now you’ve figured out what’s going on here. In this segment we’ll be cross checking different staffers’ approaches to putting words together. Maybe you’re a budding reviewer, on the cusp of greatness, searching for that piece of the puzzle lost on the floor or maybe your mum just logged you on to the household’s singular trusty laptop and you don’t know what to do with your fifteen minute screen allowance before the older sibling demands the computer for…research? Either way, close that incognito tab and let’s deep dive into “how to write a review.” More seriously though, I was out hiking the other day and we found a guy stuck down a well. No, not the Batman kid. His name is Johnny and he sweeps legs. We told him we’d help get him out or toss down a roast chicken (just one of these, not both) if he answered a couple silly questions first.

First off. Who are you and how did you get here? If this does not conform; what are you?

I am a tall body in the back of a black van and I am asking many questions with my hands right now.

Is there anyone on this site you share high percentage tastes with? Well, enough to have a signature handshake with?

Are you trying to infiltrate my harem?

Ah, no. Call it a professional curiosity.

Well then, this being a bona fide *music site*, there are loads of people I have enough overlap…

Good morning and thank you for um…setting aside your schedule of busy Sputnikmusic debauchery and endless page refreshes to get to the nitty gritty of “how to review music”, hacks, roms and workarounds. In this segment we’ll be cross checking different staffers’ approaches to putting um… words together. Maybe you’re a budding reviewer, on the cusp of greatness, searching for that piece of the puzzle lost on the floor or maybe your mum just logged you on to the household’s singular trusty laptop and you don’t know what to do with your fifteen-minute screen allowance before the older sibling demands the computer for…research? Either way, you’ve come to the right place!

We hopped on a ship (it might be called Spunik #1) to visit a kid from Mars, the one and only Zapruder defender Mitch Worden. Let’s ambush him with the questions we maybe need some answers to.

First off. Who are you and how did you get here? 

landscape on planet Mars, scenic desert scene on the red planet

I ask myself this question staring into the mirror every morning. Still don’t have an answer. Send help.

OK anyways, hello! I am MarsKid, otherwise known as Mitch or the single remaining Persefone fan on this godforsaken corner of the web. I write a lot, much of it pertaining to metal of varying degrees of quality, and I am a proud member of Sputnik’s core-fam.

How many reviews do you have on this site? No, disregard that. How…

Oh. Hi, and welcome back to yet another installment of “Staffers’ gone Wild!” or um…vague instructions on how to review music. In setting aside your schedule of busy Sputnikmusic comment posting and left click debauchery to get to the nitty gritty of “how to review music”, hacks, roms and workarounds we hope you still enjoy this little left-hand turn from visiting Tool threads. In this segment we’ll be cross checking different staffers’ approaches to putting words together. Maybe you’re a budding reviewer, on the cusp of greatness, searching for that piece of the puzzle lost on the floor or maybe your mum just logged you on to the household’s singular trusty laptop and you don’t know what to do with your fifteen-minute screen allowance before the older sibling demands the computer for…research? Either way, you’ve come to the right place!

I’ll do away with the small talk (or will I?) but you guys all know the power puff diddle of Sputnikmusic. The site’s Mr. Nice Guy. The El Primo himself, pimp-daddy Dewinged!

First off. Who are you and how did you get here?

That depends. In this version of the multiverse I’m the worldwide famous reviewer Dewingus Magnificus, well known for writing embarrassing 5/5 reviews for several hair metal albums, but what really brought me here was the scent of blood in the air. Also Mongi’s review of Cult of Luna & Julie Christmas’ “Mariner”.

Are you really a pimp?

I’ll admit I’ve pimped a couple of dwarves in the past…

Good morning and thank you for um…setting aside your schedule of busy Sputnikmusic comment posting (we all know you’re just wasting time on your loo break) and left click debauchery to get to the nitty gritty of “how to review music”, hacks, roms and workarounds. In this segment we’ll be cross checking different staffers’ approaches to putting words together. Maybe you’re a budding reviewer, on the cusp of greatness, searching for that piece of the puzzle lost on the floor or maybe your mum just logged you on to the household’s singular trusty laptop and you don’t know what to do with your fifteen minute screen allowance before the older sibling demands the computer for…research? In short, thank you for coming to the right place!

Today (or sometime this week more likely) Ben stumbled into the wrong room. The door locked behind him (oh no!) and now he’s stuck to a chair until a rescuer appears at an undisclosed time. You guys can tell creative writing isn’t a strength of mine right? Um…

First off. Who are you and how did you get here? Are you asleep?

Zzz.

In your own words, how does one review a piece of music?

Tl;dr: No idea lol.

Engaging brain … erm … ig there are two uncircumventable goals: (a) engage reader and (b) express self.

Importantly, (a) > (b): the audience must, necessarily, come first. Everything else is secondary. If, as a result of your words, you have convinced someone to listen to…

You’re here! No, I mean you actually came. Someone please lock the door so you guys can’t get out. In this segment we’ll be cross checking different staffers’ approaches to putting words together. Maybe you’re a budding reviewer, on the cusp of greatness, searching for that piece of the puzzle lost on the floor or maybe your mum just logged you on to the household’s singular trusty laptop and you don’t know what to do with your fifteen-minute screen allowance before the older sibling demands the computer for…research? Either way, you’ve come to the right place!

Welcome to Part. 2 of an undisclosed number of mini interviews in this segment.

Today (or sometime this week more likely) we have Tyler White a.k.a. Tyman128. I lack basic witty comments here and enough back-story to dangle lazy liners and joyful familiarity. I shall fix that this year – consider that a late New Year’s resolution. 

First off. Who are you and how did you get here?

Yo, what’s up! I am Tyler, better known on this God forsaken website as tyman420 (I don’t know, some people sorta started adding that to my name and I have zero clue why). I showed up – lemme check, hold up – well… my join date now says January 1970, but I’m pretty sure it was early March 2018 and my first review was June 2018. I still don’t fully know why I even joined this site, pretty sure I just found a random review…

Is it evening yet? Or is the morning? Um…setting aside your schedule of busy Sputnikmusic comment posting and left click debauchery to get to the nitty gritty of “how to review music”, hacks, roms and workarounds. In this segment we’ll be cross checking different staffers’ approaches to putting words together. Maybe you’re a budding reviewer, on the cusp of greatness (how ’bout that?), searching for that piece of the puzzle lost on the floor or maybe your mum just logged you on to the household’s singular trusty laptop and you don’t know what to do with your fifteen-minute screen allowance before the older sibling demands the computer for…research? Either way, you’ve come to the right place!

Welcome to Part. 1! Today (or sometime this week more likely) we have…Jesper!!

First off. Who are you and how did you get here?

Hi! I’m Jesper and I probably got here in like 2015 while trying to find a review for Knuckle Puck or Brand New or something. Pop punk being part of your origin story is rarely a good sign. 

How many reviews do you have on this site? No, disregard that. How many reviews are you truly proud of? Now you can circle back. How many reviews do you have? 

Eh, out of my 155 reviews I might be truly proud of a few of them. I honestly don’t know because I never/rarely reread my own reviews after they’re up (mostly because I’ll have proofread them like 24 times…