KILL or KEEP Vol.11

Weezer – Pinkerton

I had benefitted greatly from her care and yet I had always kept my heart hard to her, believing that if Weezer did make it, I would want to be free for the many superior options I imagined would be available to me. 

– Rivers Cuomo on his on-off relationship with Jennifer Chiba (later Elliott Smith’s girlfriend)

No further preamble on this one (here it is): KILL or KEEP is back in full swing, and to celebrate our return with maximum hubris, we decided to sidestep our usual brief for bloated opuses in need of a butcher’s trim. Instead, we tumble headlong into one of the worst records ever made. 

At a poxy 35 minutes, Weezer’s cursed flagship record Pinkerton might as well be a doe in the headlights here – can KILL or KEEP do justice to such a fragile ego death album with such, uh, vast horsepower behind it and Pheromone’s egregiously powerful foot at the wheel? What kind of justice can we do for a man like Rivers Cuomo, whose entire existence is itself above justice, logic and humanity? Let’s see…

Rules

The team is jesperL, johnnyoftheWell, and Pheromone.

Every song must either be KILLed or KEEPed.

There is no minimum KILL threshold. There was no need for a maximum KEEP threshold.

Okay.

Starting Impressions

Phero: This is a sexy album. It is an album about sex. It is about the wanting of sex, the receiving of sex and, most importantly, the expecting of sex. It is a sexy album of libido-core that /mu/ put on the impressionable youth and we as society never looked back. I have drunk too much coffee my heart is fucking babumbumbabum I am ready to be sexed. 

jotW: I hate everything about this record and its greasy geeky Yank-dork background and creepy fucking fetishes for good clean ladies of non-Yank backgrounds and its stupid whiny vocals this is going to be fun.

Jesper: I haven’t heard this album in many years and when I heard it i liked it probably. Wait isn’t weezer supposed to be non-sex-core???

Phero: Have u not seen rivers cuomo 

Jesper: More like rivers (of) cum-o haha ok can we start

Rivers Cuomo is one of the greatest pop songwriters of all time. – Ronwa5215

(1) Tired of Sex

Phero: I am in a public place. A public library. I feel dirty I feel wrong. 

Jesper: Wow okay this starts off with sounds that aren’t nice

jotW: It sounds like trying to swat mosquitoes ok appropriate start.

Phero: It is raw is it too raw? 

Jesper: I don’t like to think of rivers naked but that’s probably just me?

jotW: This min-effort riff is a boner metaphor

Phero: The lyrics I’m beat, beat red are a boner metaphor?

Jesper: There’s a riff?? There’s a lyric??

Phero: I like how at the end of the song it all crashes it is emotional it is big it is Rivers true feelings i don’t know why this was panned when it was first released lmao fucking hell KILL 

Jesper: Can’t believe this song doesn’t climax KILL

jotW: It has a guitar solo it is a climax it is inappropriate KILL

Jesper: We have very different definitions of climax but u do u

(2) Getchoo

jotW: I can’t believe I just typed that title out with my own paws, I feel dirty. 

Phero: This album moves too fast i think rivers just sneezed

jotW: Bless you.

Phero: GETCHOO bless u

Jesper: The pacing is a metaphor for rivers in bed?

jotW: Do we have a special rule for this round?

Jesper: The special rule is that every time you keep a song you have to say ‘getsoo aha’

jotW: Lol I accept these terms.

Phero: Ok bet. Songmeanings user says this song is the sister song to Tired of Sex, it is about the “karmic consequences of promiscuity attained via stardom.” which is an altogether less catchy title. I do not like the chorus of this song A LOT 

jotW: Ngl this solo is the first salvageable moment of the album so far. I do not like the chorus in a big way KILL.

Jesper: Ok but what does ajcollins think of this? KEEP getsooo uwu

Phero: KILL sorry getchoo outofhere yooo

(3) No Other One

jotW: Proper zit-popping riff right there. Up with BtS Center of the Universe.

Phero: I have frozen I am behind but it is okay this album – did u insult BtS they r majorly less horny i stg

jotW: I would pop zits to Center of the Universe all day long!!! You can be adolescent and not catastrophically career-makingly horny okay.

Jesper: I think it all boils down to roughly the same one chord and three lyrics so ur fine

Phero: That fucking opening 20 seconds into the vocals on this are hilarious. It is soft it is flacid u did not expect that

Jesper: How old was rivers when this came out?

jotW: Old enough to know better not old enough to write his own riffs :[[[[

Phero: He was at harvard 

Jesper: When are you graduating phero oh also KILL

Phero: Don’t want to talk about it

jotW: KILL useless chorus flat pancake song.

Phero: I like the lyrics “scares me real good – she’s got a tattoo and two pet snakes” i relate big KILL this album moves like a big train

(4) Why Bother?

Jesper: Who’s going to make the joke

jotW: Never mind the joke, I want the answer.

Phero: Start of this song is low key a beatles song who is the beatle

Jesper: Thank god this isn’t a beatles album tho lol never again

jotW: My gf just walked past and I have never in my days felt happier or more awkward concealing my now playing .

Jesper: I just had to tell my roommate ‘no i can’t crack your back rn i am listening to pinkerton with two other “men”

Phero: I think maybe cracking backs and pinkerton go hand in hand actually 

jotW: I will crack ur back phero let’s go

Jesper: I will blow out ur back phero we r not the same uh KEEP achoo aha

jotW: KILL this song and the last song were the same song it KILL.

Phero: I am tired of all of this sex KEEP i forgot to listen mostly

(5) Across the Sea

jotW: Oh hey my favourite Beatles song

Jesper: Does this album have hooks

Phero: Aw that start is sweet i will play this for my children – “you are 18 year old girl who live in small city of japan” oh god it’s this one 

jotW: It is this one. Oh gawd it gets worse and worse I want to slap him so badly

Jesper: What’s that ‘tiny japanese girl’ song from like 2010 bc it reminds me of that (pls tell me you are also aware of this)

Phero: “I could never touch you i think it would be wrong” one of the best albums of all time for realsies – tiny japanese girl song? 

jotW: sniff/lick envelope backing vox are a fucking warcrime.

Jesper: this song is four and a half minutes long??? Lemme find tiny japanese girl song.

Phero: all of my love letters start with “i wonder what clothes you wear to school” aita?

Jesper: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qY2MOe8j2M one of weebl’s less great creations.

Phero: Omg mr weebl?! Can we kill keep his back catalogue instead jfc

Jesper: lmao pls

Phero: this guitar solo is raw it is longing he is glancing across the sea 

jotW: Forgot he somehow managed to shoehorn mommy issues into this festering cocktail of perverse shite how is it still going who has this level of douchebag stamina.

Phero: Holy fuck i do not remember this bit hahaha 

Jesper: Hey nothing wrong with mommy issues oh wait yeah there probably is but like don’t shame poor rivers. KILL song is too long

jotW: I am shaming poor rivers we’ve got his song.

Phero: Thought of mum during the pinkerton listen party and now i need to take some time and make some soup or something 

jotW: KILL KILL a thousand times KILL one of the worst songs of all time.

Phero: genuinely genuinely unfathomably bad KILL

(6) The Good Life

Phero: Ok lol i do love the lyric “tell me who’s the funky dude staring back at me” 

jotW: This one is kinda catchy, verse makes me wanna move my body enough to ignore whatever the fuck the lyrics are this time – this is good pop songwriting!!!!!!

Jesper: Is that a hook???????

Phero: i think i am behind – i am only just at the nomad bit SHAKING BOOTY dam spoiler alert im gonna keep this

jotW: His exact inflection/accent on screw this crap, I’ve had it is KILLable level Ameridouche wow. Everything else about this one kinda goes though?!

Jesper: Did u guys listen to the colleen ballinger ‘apology’ song that shit ruled

Phero: Lol yeah why did she not go for the lo-fi grunge route n get a 10 on pitchfork oh yeah she is not a man

jotW: Lol what no how did that go?

Jesper: Omg you have so much to catch up on, a ten minute long ukulele ‘song’ about her grooming persian cats instead of children

jotW: Lmao based and blessed – also Jesper typing grooming persian and then taking a million seconds to get to the next words is a realtime kink I can live with, hope the next song covers it.

Jesper: Lmao lfg also KEEP getchooooo

jotW: Token KEEP we are over halfway there must be a KEEP achoo.

Phero: Lmao (i am so frozen rn btw) (i froze) okay KEEP maybe also wow this is the fan favourite

(7) El Scorcho

Jesper: Is this Spanish for pheromone

Phero: Now when I think of Pinkerton I always think of [that] reddit post where the guy talks about meeting his half japanese girlfriend on the weezer subreddit for the first time and posting an awkward selfie and all of the earnest yikes of that moment 

jotW: This is a Lush reference innit?

Jesper: Band or cosmetics

jotW: Both lol. Half Japanese girls + red hair

Phero: Do u think rivers respects the boundaries of a diary ? 

jotW: Rivers invented Harry Potter diaries

Jesper: I am not sure rivers uses conditioner

Phero: I do actually kind of love everything about this other than the lyrix aw

jotW: The groove on this kinda goes, but also the end of the chorus is very very bad and wtf this now a Green Day song ffs KILL.

Jesper: Love the part where this goes full on hardcore punk!

jotW: I can’t stop partying.

Jesper: Beverly hills?

Phero: Weezer – tired of sex ft lil wayne happening when? 

jotW: It is gettin weezy time

Jesper: I do sort of have to pee

jotW: This is the closest thing so far to a wholesome song ngl Jesper go pee.

Phero: Holding in ur wee helps with the orgasm i read somewhere once i think on a weezer fansite maybe

Jesper: Oh i am edging peeing KEEP getsooo

Phero: Go pee my internet bad anyway KILL

Jesper: Haha ok pee time brb

Phero: Do u think pinkerton is a net positive on the world

jotW: It is the sound of wasteful student debt so yeah sure

Phero: Rivers just like me fr

Jesper: I am back

(8) Pink Triangle

Phero: This is the other song on the album i think about a lot

Jesper: I am colourblind this is offensive

Phero: As pride month draws to a close it is good to remember the consequence your not being straight has on rivers

jotW: I’m dumb she’s a lesbi-un is kinda a banging cadence ngl

Jesper: Hahaha oh right this song yep

Phero: Do u think anyone has ever played this at a talent show

Jesper: Maybe but i want this played at my funeral

jotW: I will play it in the street and at Jesper’s funeral

jotW: Everyone’s a little queer, oh why can’t she be a little straight omg iconic good bad awful impossible lyric

Phero: So iconic emotional gut wrenching raw open

Jesper: Does this qualify as a guitar solo? Idk KILL also generally not-guitar solo is better than guitar solo but in this case i’d quite like a guitar solo to overpower rivers

jotW: Guitar suicide quick play it at the funeral.

Phero: Rivers the type of guy to try n pull at the funeral obvious KILL 

jotW: This isn’t awful tbh one of the better songs so far KILL

(9) Falling for You

jotW: Token Japanese in the intro KILL.

Jesper: Very radiohead is this OK computer for incel gen x’ers

jotW: And also a Radiohead ripoff KILL. No Surprises is already one of the more incel vibing Radiohead songs ngl

Phero: Thom yorke wishes he had this sex appeal

Jesper: Fuck marry kill thom yorke rivers cuomo the beatles

jotW: Kill Rivers fuck all the Beatles at once marry Thom no way will he want to sleep in the same bed.

Phero: I think george harrison was a lesbian

jotW: Do not delete that

Jesper: May have to KEEP this song it’s so nothing it’s so inoffensive it’s so ok getsoooo

jotW: Jesper this guitar solo is offensively bad how dare u

Jesper: I am barely perceiving it ngl i am thinking about thom yorke’s skin

Phero: I like when rivers said “Oh, the redhead said you shred the Cello, and I’m jello, baby.” that was the last song but it makes me happy this song feels like a fucking lifetime what the fuck omg he said cello again

jotW: Phero post-jello glow. This song happened KILL again

Phero: Post-jello clarity KILL this was bad

(10) Butterfly

Jesper: Is this song to blame for the pop punk trope of ‘final song on album is acoustic emotional ballad’ 

jotW: This is the chrysalis from which Jesse Lacey was birthed yh 

Phero: I am frozen i am missing butterfly did someone say Jesse Lacey? Oh it’s back

Jesper: Tbh you’re not missing out on much this song is so much worse than when i heard it last (i was 15)

jotW: This song is a little bit embarrassing yeah. first track so far that’s got me pitying more than hating

Phero: “Smell you on my hand for days, I can’t wash away your scent” aidan moffat type beat

jotW: It was the biggest butterfly you’d ever seen

Jesper: Truly the play crack the sky of its time KILL yikes

Phero: Going to learn this on guitar and reap the rewards 

jotW: Finishing this *** of a record with an apology lyric is unacceptable exploitation KILL

Jesper: “PLAY BUTTERFLY!!”

Phero: Wait did he say “I’m sorry for what I did, I did what my body told me to” oh dear KILL

jotW: He went right ahead and said it

Closing remarks 

Jesper: Damn this album blows, will need to change my sput rating asap if i even have this rated. That said it is quite bold to make a power pop album with about 1 and a half hooks. I miss weeeoooo buddy holly stuff. KILL

Phero: Pinkerton was for some reason picked up after being initially panned as a sort of unappreciated genius but it is gross it is bad it was the most hyped up incel power pop punk ish album since violent femmes but violent femmes actually kind of slap ok sorry yeah I hate this KILL

jotW: Yeah lol, and Violet Femmes had enough edgy Christian energy to get away with the incongruous incel vibes. Pinkerton = awful album terrible hooks pigshit songwriting disgusting personality if you like it you should be ashamed of yourself KILL.

Phero: Good job job good job good job lets listen to it again but this time naked

Jesper: Cant wait lets do it together  

Final KILLstats

Jesper: 6/10 (60%)

jotW: 9/10 (90%)

Phero: 8/10 (80%)

Surviving Tracklist

The following are the remaining songs that not one competitor elected to KILL.

They constitute the new, official version of the album:

1. The Good Life

2. lol no

KILL or KEEP will return soon, please be excited and stay posted!

 ・・・・

Archive

Vol.1: Smashing Pumpkins – Mellon Collie…

Vol.2: Nine Inch Nails – The Fragile 

Vol.3: Carly Rae Jepsen – Emotion

Vol.4: Deftones – White Pony

Vol.5: Nightwish – Once

Vol.6: Tavito Nanao – Heavenly Punk Adagio

Vol.7: Big Thief – Dragon New Warm Mountain…

Vol.8: The Beatles – The Beatles

Vol.9: Taylor Swift – Red

Vol.10: Kanye West – My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy