KILL or KEEP Vol.8

The Beatles – The Beatles

KILL or KEEP is back and we are doing the White Album! We have never done the White Album before, and this is quite important to stress because why the hell hadn’t we? It is the Beatles’ longest album. Is it their magnum opus? Some people think so, and most of them are wrong about literally everything! Let’s show those frauds! But first, we will go so far as to tender an apology for not already having KILLed and KEPT it, reasons for which go something along the lines of:

“Hey Phero, when are we going to KILL or KEEP the White Album?”

“Idk man sounds like a great idea. Sounds perfect. Let’s get porc and do it!”

“Sweet yeah, good shout. porc would be perf for this rofl. Hold on one sec, I’ll get in touch…”

70000 unanswered voicemails and two months later.

“Hey Johnny, remember when we had that great idea about KILLing or KEEPing the White album?”

“Oh shit man yeah, that was such a good plan why haven’t we done it yet?”

“Um no idea, but shall we do it now?”

“Yes let’s, actually wait, how about we do an actual good double album that everyone agrees is good instead?”

“You mean like, uh, idk. Physical Graffiti?” 

“Nah.”

“Leaves Turn Inside You?”

“Wrong colour.”

“Trout Mask Replica?”

“Uhh…”

“The Wall?”

“Who?”

“Emotion by Carly Rae Jepsen?”

“Perfect.”

“…not a double album?”

“Not important.”

“K.”

Many moons later.

“and I knew from the start that it was a bad idea to put off my deadline for some Tinder rando, but trust me man, I could tell she knew who Arab Strap were without even bringing them up.”

“And did you?”

“Wha?”

“Bring them up?”

“Well, yeah, but”

“Okay that’s great, but sometimes I wonder whether you’re properly conscious of the actually quite dire mountains of shit looming over us right now this minute.”

“Like that I literally needed to save my entire degree two days ago?”

“Like that KILL or KEEP has kinda lost its touch.”

“What????”

“I mean, do you remember what happened last round?”

“Obvs not.”

“Neither.”

“…”

“…”

“Fuck.”

“…”

“…”

“…White Album?”

“I mean like, there’s a new Meshuggah record and everyone is talking about it and it could be like that time we did Big Thief and everyone thought we were trendy because we were writing about a hip new record and we actually gave ianb a space to express themsel”

“White Album?”

“Yeah fuckit.”

Let’s meet the team and get stuck in. They are: anat, JesperL, johnnyoftheWell and Pheromone. Much like the Beatles, they are a mix of smiley zoomer trash and faux-avant pretension artists.

Also like the Beatles, there were actually five of them.

The invisible fifth Beatle was either George Martin or Brian Epstein.

If you think it was George Martin, then the fifth team member was mx because his miraculous technological innovations were critical to the focal foursome’s success.

If you think it was Brian Epstein, then the fifth team member was porc because tackling the White Album swiftly proved that the gang were absolutely bloody useless without him.

Please enjoy.

Rules

Every song must either be KILLed or KEEPed.

The White Album has enough hard duds that there is no need to enforce a minimum KILL threshold. 

However, the Beatles were a big band with many songs! Therefore, the special rule is: double trouble. Every time a contestant KEEPs a song, they must KEEP another Beatles song from a separate album. Likewise, every time they KILL a song, they must KILL another Beatles song from a different album. 

Starting Impressions

jotW: This is a silly record lol, the Beatles are fab and it’s usually cute when they fuck up.

Jesper: I am a zoomer and the Beatles are mid

Anat: i did my first beatles discog run ever last year, and this one came in somewhere in the middle, but i do remember it as the album about monkeys doing it

Pheromone: Hot take time: I love the beatles, they are great! I have not listened to the white album for years and do not particularly remember loving it at all. This is not great! I am ready to change my mind. I want to maek a tea

(1) Back in the USSR

Pheromone: I made a tea 

jotW: The Beatles are from Liverpool. Aren’t you from Liverpool, Phero?

Pheromone: not at all

Jesper: ‘Liverpool’ is a disgusting combination of words, imagine a pool full of livers yikes

Anat: back in the ussr, you alrite our lad, calm down

Pheromone: In my head this song isn’t good but then it actually is – Also big first issue, I’m listening to the spotify version of this album which gets fucking RIPPED on

jotW: I love how the drumming sounds vaguely tight on this and literally every band member aside from Ringo recorded for it

Jesper: it isn’t very good

Anat: is this pro-soviet? Bc of current events and that

jotW: We have to wait for Rev 1 for that

Pheromone: The album got pretty criticised for a lack of politics so maybe not maybe

Jesper: uh KILL, also KILL ehhh another girl fuck that song

Anat: i will KILL this one and i will KILL sgt pepper title track too

Pheromone: big KEEP to be honest and i will KEEP also the opener to magical mystery tour because it’s underrated and genuinely is one of their best ok – how are you killing SGT peppers title track anat what the fuck

Anat: do you want hot takes or for me to be a subservient agree-er

jotW: Big bop big KEEP I will also KEEP Flying from the magical album Magical Mystery Tour because it’s underrated and genuinely is yes ok next song

(2) Dear Prudence

jotW: Naw I used this one with my youngest kids and they could all get it

Pheromone: are you a father

Jesper: daddy johnny

jotW: I fund Son Jesper’s allowance out of my OnlyFans

Pheromone: wow why is the drumming on this also kinda tight and sick was it ringo

jotW: I believe so, Ringo does have some groovy later day beats have you heard his feature on Yoko’s Plastic Ono Band??

Jesper: that sparkling lil guitar is nice

Anat: backing vox are tickling me in a very nice way, like a friendly man

Jesper: is a ringo a drum term like a cymbal?

Anat: this was written about mia farrow’s sister, and mia farrow was mentioned in the big thief kill or keep. I did my homework

jotW: Oh shit the bed fuck KILL or KEEP lore yes love to see. Love this song a lot, hard KEEP, also KEEP ummmmm If I Fell because did he ever fall hm

Jesper: ffs eh KEEP, also KEEP fixing a hole or whatever that song is called bc funny hole

Pheromone: the end to this is transcendent wow i need to listen to the white album more good idea guys KEEP and i will KEEP sgt peppers t/t because anat fucking KILLed it unjustly and it needs returning

Anat: this one i will KEEP and i will also like to forever KEEP ‘every little thing’ from beatles for sale

(3) Glass Onion

jotW: My face when this song came on for the first time on my first spin after the lovely lovely first two was the sourest onion in the vegetable aisle

Pheromone: “I told you about strawberry fields” wow Beatles lore – John is actually kinda cringe not you johnny i mean johnny lennon oh god

jotW: Phero ur just jealous ur not the walrus I am the walrus 

Jesper: who pronounces onion like anyan

Anat: lucille does, when referring to her korean adoption

Jesper: lmao nice

Pheromone: this song is all beatles lore er KILL and also KILL Run For Your Life it is a bop but is ultimately a fucking awful song

Jesper: KILL this shit also KILL dig a pony dumb title

Anat: dumb song KILL and KILL all the cover songs from the first like 3 albums

jotW: Yeah fuck this song, it’s lame self-reference palace and does not bop, KILL it and – actually good shout Jesper – Dig A Pony 

(4) Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da

Jesper: dear lord i hate this song, immediate KILL (also KILL drive my car)

Pheromone: top 100 Bond themes

Anat: has anyone seen the video of jay foreman singing beatles songs one syllable out? This song is quite funny in that 

Jesper: I just forgot to put my teabag into my cup and took a sip of hot water and that’s a good metaphor for this song or whatever

Pheromone: does anyone remember that Offspring song which sounds exactly like this what the hell

jotW: this was the song that sent the Clash to Jamaica 

Pheromone: I like to imagine this song came after one of Harrison’s trips to India – he was inspired

jotW: this was what he sang at meditation camp every morning and also why Ringo left early

Anat: Lennon hated the song, calling it “granny music shit”,

Jesper: oh shit guess I like the song then

Pheromone: paul would give a mighty cuddle i bet he’s cute

Anat: to be very fair this is exactly the dumb kinda shit i lap up without even wearing a bib KEEP and i will KEEP And Your Bird Can Sing from the Revvolver album

jotW: I wish I could be cool enough to KILL this but, but, but, but um yes it is lame dadmagic KEEP and KEEP Help too for obvious reasons

Pheromone: wow I thought i was going to be the only KEEP this is sick i love it fuck you jesper KEEP and KEEP yellow submarine because it gets ripped on also and is also lovely

(5) Wild Honey Pie

Anat: is this where weebls stuff was born

Jesper: another immediate KILL, also KILL badgerbadgerbadgerbadger

jotW: Paul being experimental is […] KILL, KILL The Word too there are two words in this song and they both suck

Pheromone: I am the badger – er KILL and KILL Love You To

Anat: KEEP lmao and KEEP norwegian wood

(6) The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill

jotW: yes a yoko ono guitar solo

Jesper: joy

[…]

jotW: I love how no-one’s commenting and we’re all just soaking up Bill and his elephants being taken by surprise.

Pheromone: what is the political implication of this song

Jesper: that the bill should be passed? 

Anat: bill stickers is innocent

Jesper: ugh KEEP this thing because it’s not one of the previous couple of songs, also KEEP Ed Sheeran’s cameo

Anat: KILL for going in one ear and straight back out the other, KILL let it be 😮

jotW: used to think this would be a grower, and it was tbh but it still isn’t very good, KILL. Also KILL Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds, about the same level of “when does it get good”

Pheromone: this is half a great song i like the verses a lot but yeah in one ear – johnny what the fuck – KILL and KILL Within YOu Without YOu

(7) While My Guitar Gently Weeps

Anat: iconic opening that i remember from my dad’s cover band performing this song while his drums loudly sobbed

jotW:  Awww what are the political implications of Eric Clapton being the best Beatle?

Jesper: Phoebe Bridgers is a better Beatles member

Anat: this is the prototype of M&S advert songs

Pheromone: anti-vax concept albums in the future are the implications

jotW: Thanks for the antivax concept albums Phoebe Badgers

Jesper: jesus we’re only halfway through this song? 

Phero: this is kind of zombies-y i love this song so much

Jesper: what’s in ur heeeaaaad

jotW: Tbh I do love this song but I have never have the slightest idea what % of the way through I am at many time that is the magic of white boi bluesrock

Anat: gentl-YYY gentl-YYY, YYY, YYY (like the zombie)

Pheromone: this is a guitar breakdown – no not that zombie. 

Anat: rob zombnie

Jesper: needs more djent, KILL and also KILL that’s what she said she said

Anat : KEEP for definite and this time i should like to also do a KEEP of Tomorrow Never KNows from the revolver album

jotW: KEEP obviously and KEEP um um um Run For Your Life because it does kind of bang

Pheromone: KEEP this is kind of undeniably one of the beatles classiques and eric clapton is a bad man with a good guitar KEEP and KEEP norwegian woods because it is the opposite of this song and also one of their best 

(8) Happiness Is A Warm Gun

Jesper: true story: U2’s awful cover of this was my introduction to the beatles lmao

jotW: U2’s awful cover of this is probably my favourite thing I have ever heard from U2

Pheromone: U2’s ballads are sad and good 14 year old me fuel

Jesper: you clearly haven’t heard their ‘don’t take your guns to town’ cover then

Anat: ME2

jotW: In fairness, my intro to this song was the reversed vocal sample at the start of the Used’s underrated classic Cut Up Angels it is my favourite emo Beatle

Pheromone: The Used first album is the best er is this song about heroin?

jotW: it is a metaphor about Yoko like when R-patz says in Twilight “you’re like my heroin”

Jesper: fine KEEP this, also KEEP.. Ticket to ride? 

Pheromone: robert pattison is a porn star soon i hear

jotW: This is a disappointing karaoke song but supreme in every other regard, probably a top 10 Beatles track? Easy KEEP, also KEEP A Day In The Life because that’s one of the few that compare

Anat: i suppose i will KEEP but only just about, and KEEP NOwhere man

Phero: fucking every beatles song on wikipedia has a page about it, this is a KILL i dont really like the beatles at their rock n roll emotion so much – KILL and KILL Dizzy Miss Lissie

(9) Martha My Dear

jotW: this is overrated sputnikuser ReefaJones’ favourite Beatles song or some shit

Jesper: this is fun if you just listen with one headphone u hear like half

jotW: u are precious

Anat: the name martha makes me think of fawlty towers. But nobody was called martha

Pheromone: lol i really should put my earphones in this is serious business – okay they are in. 

Anat: i have always been a huge fan of these kinda fat man walking trumpet bass lines

jotW: that’s a cute thing to call a tuba lol

Pheromone: lmao

Jesper: that description makes it almost worth keeping but no sorry KILL, also KILL all of the beatles films

Anat: all of the instrumentas are the same what’s the difference

jotW: this song takes like a minute to get good, and then it stops being good. KILL, and KILL that other Beatles song about silly girls I Saw You Standing There

Pheromone: why is martha a silly girl – KEEP and KEEP flying also, that is double kept

Anat: i am KEEPing martha and KEEPing ticket to ride ofc

(10) I’m So Tired

jotW: somewhat randomly adore this song, all Lennon’s songs about being a lazy piece of shit are so good

Pheromone: god i love this song, this is sparklehorse and i relate i am tired i slept bad last night

Anat: this is refreshingly candid and not just a load of waffle and we all are tired

jotW: we are so tired

Jesper: first #relatable song? 

Jesper: KEEP this, also KEEP ahgr d ds eh fuck taxman??

Anat: he said git

Pheromone: and cigarette wow

Anat: wow i am a cigarette git

jotW: i love the 60s

Pheromone: i want to hold your hand

jotW: oh shit it ended, it is too short. KEEP, also KEEP um, Across the Universe for being the best deep Lennon song to this dumb one

Anat: a strong KEEP and i will KEEP I’m a Loser from Beatles for Sale

Pheromone: oh i am like 4 seconds behind this is good KEEP and KEEP i want to hold your hand it is candid and dark also like this song

(11) Blackbird

Jesper: is this the wonderwall of the 60s

Anat: *man in crowd* play blackbird!

jotW: I love the click track

Pheromone: song is gorgeous 

Jesper: only reason I’m KEEPing this is bc of the cute bird sounds. Also KEEP a day in the life if if eh yea

jotW: got my kids to do the into the light of the dark black night and they were like huh how the shit does that work and I just shrugged and said you just gotta believe I don’t think they understood Paul’s point about civil rights 

Anat: one of the best, a bit hearty KEEP. i will KEEP I Should Have Known Better

Pheromone: grandma music is good big KEEP – it is political! So I will KEEP and also KEEP Your Mother Should Know as it is also political

jotW: firm KEEP, um KEEP that other good Paul song. Let It Be!

(12) Piggies

Anat: is this a children’s cartoon theme song

jotW: KILL or KEEP: George Harrison or George Orwell?

Jesper: KILL both? Which one’s the bigger misogynist

Anat: KILL George Harrison, KEEP George Dawes

Pheromone: the beatles were obsessed with animals, george orwell famously not 

jotW: animal allegories were the food metaphors of their day

Jesper: i like pigs but not this song, KILL also KILL.. Get back?

Anat: KEEP the piggies, KEEP I Need You from Halp

jotW: KILL the Piggies KILL them all!! KILL Lovely Rita for being even sillier

Pheromone: you’re killing get back?! Er, kinda fair enough. KILL and fuck me those pig noises – KILL [i am running out of choices]

Anat: you are the worst vegetarian ever phero

Phero: fr kill the walrus

(13) Rocky Raccoon

jotW: as someone who has also gotten blind drunk in enabling company and recorded shit pretend-American acoustic yarns, this song hits me on an uncomfortably personal level

Anat: that left panned hi hat is very nice in my ear!

Jesper: how big are your ear.. holes?

Anat: we are the village green preservation society

Pheromone: this was inspired by a fireside jam that is cute 

jotW: this was the BCNR – Sunglasses of its time

Anat: really nice until the vaudevillain snatch away KILL this and KILL all the early beatles songs for having the same fuckin title like “I Need You” or “What’s For Tea”

Jesper: did the beatles ever do a tiny desk?

Pheromone: paul did that thing where he sings in a car with a big man

jotW: KILL this a thousand times over and also KILL um um let’s go way back, KILL Chains

Jesper: KILL also KILL hlep

Pheromone: This is top 5 so far the do-do-dos are so earwormy KEEP and KEEP er Strawberry Fields Forever 

(14) Don’t Pass Me By

jotW: wow I have no recollection of this but the rhythm track kinda sounds like Ob-la-di gone shoegaze

Pheromone: shoegaze and ob-la-di in a sentence together for your 2022 bingo card

Anat: ringo just got back to the studio after leaving and they let him have a song 

Jesper: did you just say the s word

jotW: this is a bad shoegaze song smashed together with that shithouse Big Thief where’s ma grandma country song and you know it

Anat: this has the fat man walking bassline <3 womp, womp, womp, womp

Pheromone: the word oblong gives me fat man aura

Jesper: KILL this also KILL johnny’s s h o e g a z & e keys please

jotW: Effortless KILL also KILL every Turnover song

Anat: i am KEEPing this and all of ringo’s pity tracks

Phero: the best band in history had pity and this is important – KILL to be honest, this song kind of (ha!) passes me by – KILL that big thief kill keep

(15) Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?

Anat: munkey shags

Jesper: what if we kissed… in the road?

Pheromone: what if we hold your hand… in the road?

jotW: We have in the road at home

Anat: you and me baby ain’t nothin but mammals so let’s do it in the road like monkseys

jotW: everyone close your eyes and imagine paul mccartney being horny for 5 seconds okay KILL this song immediately KILL also Maxwell’s Silver Hammer paulisdead

Jesper: typing this with my eyes closed, KILL this please (woah i am a good blind typer apparently nice)

Pheromone: fully erect i KEEP this and KEEP the monkey song early 

Anat: doggers’ national anthem KEEP and KEEP yellow submarine

(16) I Will

Jesper: is this song an answer to the previous song’s question

jotW: it is mainly a Radiohead reference. Oh wow it is also every song on TVU and Nico in once conveniently throwaway package

Pheromone: McCartney does kind of sound like Nico ??

Jesper: mercifully short unlike this album, KEEP and KEEP wait

jotW: Marginal KEEP, this sounds a lot better to me this time around. Um KEEP Baby’s In Black whatta banger

Anat: we are halfway through lads keep it together

Pheromone: horny paul into loving paul – post nut clarity paul. KEEP and KEEP eleanor rigby obviously

Anat: just got a work email saying “_________  has phoned in sick for this afternoon. He has diarrhoea.” KEEP

Pheromone: weird name

Anat: i’m not about to throw them under the bus, they apparently already have it quite bad

jotW: shit the bed.

(17) Julia

jotW: this is gorgeous 

Jesper: brb i have to cuddle a cat rq

Anat: a lovely song watered down by how many women the beatles slang it up

Pheromone: was Yoko not jealous about this

jotW: was about john’s mum, so probably yeah

Anat: i never would call my mum julia. It’s not her name and also have some respect

jotW: tbf I do call my mum ocean child every few weeks or so

Anat: ocean’s spray is what came to mind, cranberry juice and the like

Jesper: ok back, KEEP this bc I have a heart sometimes, also KEEP raspberries

Pheromone: KEEP because yeah song is gorgeous, i think this is Lennon’s one lone beatles song if that makes sense and KEEP blue jay way it is their best psychedelic song and has no connection to julia damn

jotW: KEEP this, also KEEP the greatest mum song of all time HELLO GOODBYE that is all anyone ever says :[

Anat: KEEP please KEEP nowhere man

(18) Birthday

jotW: alright guys whose fuckin birthday is it?

Jesper: yours, surprise! 

Anat: no birthday song hits like harry hosono’s

jotW: i want it to be hosono’s birthday

Pheromone: can you get sued if you sing this at branded places

Jesper: let’s find out =D

Anat: actually the best birthday song is the one that’s in those cards that had speakers. HAAAAPpy birthday to ya

Pheromone: did you ever have those toothbrushes that had songs in them

Jesper: would rather listen to birthday cards, KILL this and KILL McDonald’s

Pheromone: this is kind of the song i think of when i think of the white album and why i just don’t listen to it – it’s kinda goofy kinda boring kinda in one ear etc no pastiche KILL and er KILL what just happened 

jotW: hardcore fucking move opening disc2/sideC/whatever with hardcore goofy filler, but that’s the way it be. Marginal KEEP, KEEP also No Reply no more info will be forthcoming 

anat: please let it show for the record that I opt to KILL

(19) Yer Blues

Jesper: i need more tea KILL this also KILL the entire let it be album or something

Anat: lennon: FUCK this mediatation bullshit it’s boring man

jotW: I AM OF THE UNIVERSE no ur a very naughty boy. KILL this is egregiously long by Beatles standards and it does not rock, KILL also Honey Pie wait fuck that’s on this album, KILL Honey Don’t instead

Anat: woke up this morning, and my baby was gone, KILL this song. Also george harrison is the only beatle who should have ever gone to india

Pheromone: lol – okay i thought this was one of those songs which reminded me why i never want to listen to the white album a la the last one but the end of this kind of slaps and changes the view 180 fuck yeah KEEP and KEEP michelle i have run out of song matching patterns

Anat: i stopped finding other tracks to KEEP or KILL and nobody noticed yet ssh

Jesper: tea achieved is this fucking thing over yet

(20) Mother Nature’s Son

jotW: the sheer number of fucking songs on this album is finally sinking in

Jesper: U2 could never

Pheromone: my beatles lastfm scrobbles are skyrocketing fuck yeah

Anat: beatles were my top listened to band last year for this exact fuckin reason

Pheromone: kinda based 

Anat: yeah tbf i am a distinguished listener of music have you heard of the baltes?

jotW: damn those are so cute doos

Anat: this is delightful, the do-do-do’s are like the ones from the jungle book right??

Pheromone: the guitar in the left of my ear is lovely 

Jesper: vaguely nice tingle yay KEEP also KEEP if I fell?

jotW: this is a deep cut!!! KEEP it and KEEP ahhh another deep cut Wait

Anat: these doos are definitely made with like superlatively puckered lips init KEEP and gimme a kiss paul and KEEP yesterday

Pheromone: this song reminds me of the word ditty KEEP and KEEP diarrhea as a means of getting out of a same-day shift

(21) Everybody’s Got Something To Hide Except Me And My Monkey

Anat: man i just dont like it when beatles go spaz rock keep it mellow bros

jotW: this does bang a lot harder than the other recent bangers though

Phero: I kind of agree but this is one of their best songs and also the Feelies cover of this on the crazy rhythm album is one of the absolute goated covers 

Jesper: krautrock beatles >>>

Anat: is this about road monkey sex too? How much mileage does that concept have

Pheromone: this was written about John’s mother

Anat: lol

Pheromone: this song is so good man – top 20 beatles songs maybe actually maybe okay KEEP and KEEP Don’t Let Me Down how was that not on an album it is also a jammer

Jesper: it’s not sorry KILL, also KILL bulldog maybe aw no poor dog rip

Anat: I was going to KILL until this 3 second scat so KEEP!! and KEEP good vibrations

jotW: this is basically a franz ferdinand song innit KEEP, also KEEP Your Mother Should Know, because in this case she really shouldn’t have

(22) Sexy Sadie

Jesper: this certainly has undertones

jotW: sexy sadie had teenage kicks alright

Jesper: around her fur?

Anat: sadie is the guru man

Pheromone: “this song has been considered an earlier version of a diss track” says wikipedia in the same line detailing how this is about alleged sexual advances fucking hell

jotW: as far as ultradramatic callout tracks go, this one is honestly pretty lame. Apparently an earlier draft rhymed “maharajah” and “cunt” – would have KEPT for that

Anat: i can’t work out how you would accomplish that rhyme, so i will KILL this song for denying me the opportunity to hear it. KILL the octopus back garden one

jotW: lmao. KILL, KILL Getting Better too (no you fucking weren’t)

Jesper: fuck this song, KILL and KILL that bulldog again bc i am angy

Pheromone: no, jesper is the worst vegetarian 

Jesper: i will eat you

Pheromone: in the road that is hot – this song is okay i like it quite a bit KEEP. actually fuck that this is a beatles album every song must be top tier KILL actually no that’s untrue about most beatles albums KEEP and KEEP girl

(23) Helter Skelter

Jesper: lmao remember when U2 opened a semi-studio album with a terrible cover of this

jotW: no, but remember how every metal band ever has spent their career making inferior versions of this song

Pheromone: how much beatles coverage did bono get?

Anat: so the first metal song is about a fun slide that you go down in a sack

Jesper: m/anson

jotW: it is a sex metaphor

Anat: no it’s a slide metaphor they are often found on seaside piers

jotW: a pier is never just a pier and an ocean is ok nvm

Pheromone: Helter Skelter was interpreted by Charles Manson as a message predicting inter-racial war. A mentally insane cult leader. My home town southend has the longest pier in the world. This is more important

Anat: southend is compensating for something

Jesper: kill/keep cult leaders? Anyway i like this song KEEP also KEEP U2

Pheromone: KEEP this should be the album with monkey KEEP everyone’s got something to hide again

jotW: This is the riff song it must be KEPT. KEEP another good Beatles riff song, um, I’m Looking Through You

Anat: i worry that if i KILL this then the butterfly effect will KILL sputnikmusic. Anyway KILL

(24) Long, Long, Long

jotW: This song is compensating for something

Jesper: if sputnik existed in 1968 this song would’ve made for some hilarious!! alb review summaries

Pheromone: does anyone else think this is predicting an inter-race war

jotW: sounds like a long shot.

Jesper: i am preemptively canceling phero

Anat: this song answers the question: how long are three pieces of string

Jesper: KILL i am bored, also KILL pink submarine

jotW: am also bored but those oh-oh-ooohs reminded me of a better song but I can’t remember what, oh it’s the song that plays in the bowling dream in the Big Lebowski yeah okay KILL this, also KILL Doctor Robert he could never save this

Pheromone: I tell people Harrison is my favourite beatles solo-work to sound cool. This is a great song placed exhaustingly far into the album where the ~melancholy~ and exhaustion kind of gets lost behind exhaustion damn – KEEP the song it will be a masterstroke within my new beatles whit album er KEEP me uncancelled

Anat: i will also KILL this, not inherently bad but suffers bc of placement, KILL a little help from my friends

(25) Revolution 1

jotW: Revolution 1 more like Revolution B Goode

Anat: rhyming revolution with evolution is big brain

Jesper: this song is the worst kind of foreshadowing/edging/whatever you want to call it

jotW: there is no worst kind of edging, there is only a bad finish. This song is kinda magic

Pheromone: the most horny kill keep – this isn’t my favourite version of this song, it is still very good

Anat: we will never hear revolutions 2 through 8 because paul is dead

Jesper: rip, also ugh this is kind of okay, KEEP this song and KEEP it in my pants

Anat: miss me with these shooby do wops tho

Jesper: but fat man walking?

Anat: the fat man is dead and the shooby do wops are the sound of his carcass releasing hot rancid air

Phero: christ – d’aw shooby do wop

jotW: …KEEP!!! KEEP With A Little Help From My Friends good proles one and all

Anat: KILL it!!! Like a charles manson would kill a human

Pheromone: hard KEEP i bet john lennon would get along with bono KEEP a day in the life i can’t believe i haven’t kept that yet 

(26) Honey Pie

Jesper: deja vu?

jotW: delete immediately KILL forever KILL The Long and Winding Road purely because fuck Paul ugh yuck

Anat: Lennon played the guitar solo on the track, but later said he hated the song, calling it “beyond redemption” KEEP

Pheromone: this is maybe nostalgic in the 1960s and we are some years removed it isn’t very good okay KILL and KILL when i’m 64 

Jesper: this isn’t good but it’s better than ob-la-di and it’s basically the same thing, still KILL and KILL obladoodle again

jotW: that’s your young disoriented craving for retro validation talking young vagrant reassess that take immediately 

Jesper: ok boomer

Anat: i love this lmao gimme all the pastiche-io nuts

(27) Savoy Truffle

jotW: this is the fattest fat man song on the album, but it also has the skinniest brass tone?

Anat: fat man is on a diet and trying to improve

Pheromone: thank god he’s ok

Jesper: political implications are eh caviar and capitalism ?

jotW: I do love the implications of writing a song about someone purely because they ate too much what is the Phoebe Bridges equivalent of this

Anat: who ate, who ate, who ate all the pies

Jesper: ‘you are what you eat’ that’s why the kids at school keep calling me a p

Pheromone: the beatles were on apple and spoke of food a lot is this is a coincidence

Anat: more like the Eatles! 

Jesper: KILL also KILL bullies

Anat: KILL this whole back half except revolution no. 9 tbh

jotW: KEEP this cute novelty song, it’s maybe the only cute novelty song here apart from the heavy metal one, KEEP also Norwegian Wood because decadent upholstery etc

Pheromone: Erm this is kind of the same as the earlier – the songs actually good but fuck me if im gonna want to listen to it 27 songs in – it will be on my new album and it will reference a song that is no longer in the new album okay KEEP and KEEP fool on the hill

(28) Cry Baby Cry

Jesper: hey look this song exists

jotW: it is one of three whole songs that remain on this album

Anat: inspired by a commercial tagline, they really had to use everything so that they could have a 7 hour long album

jotW: the OPN – Replica of its day

Jesper: Bapitalism

Pheromone: Jacob Stolworthy from the independent ranked this 19 on his list of best White Album beatles songs. The implications of this are as of yet unknown.

Jesper: KEEP because it’s shorter than what’s to come, also KEEP Jacob Stolworthy

jotW: Boys Don’t Cry KILL this KILL Good Morning, Good Morning, why does it have a coda why is the coda the best bit

Anat: this track is confused and i am alienated and i am murderous KILL and KILL hey jude while we’re at it

Pheromone: KEEP this i like the beatles songs where they talk about what mothers should and do know – i love the last 10 seconds of this too where it hides that mini song god damn yeah KEEP 

(29) Revolution 9

jotW: can we all insta-KEEP this and then skip it plz

Anat: number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9

Jesper: counter-offer: insta KILL

jotW: this song created electronic music you cannot

Anat: i’m not suffering through the rest of this album only to skip this masterpiece

Jesper: real music is guitars not electronic computer can do that very bad not real metal

Pheromone: the rest of this album is only one song anat

jotW: twas the joke phero

Anat: i meant everything that came before it IDIOT – 

jotW: okay fuck maybe it wasn’t

Anat: just treat everything i say as a joke, that way i can’t be held responsible for my dogshit opinions

Jesper: tbf I’ve only ever heard this out of context and it sure is a nice break from the rest of this record, wish it came earlier though

jotW: it does have a strong start

Anat: i kinda wish they had the balls to open with this

Pheromone: it has a sort of spooky atmosphere placed towards the end of the album, slightly scott walker tilt era-y

jotW: I’m both tipsy and sleepy enough to be drifting hard with this rn, am having rosy flashbacks of my peak Flying Lotus yrs

Anat: this track is when you are at the bingo and there is only one number. (nine) 

Jesper: is this the fitter happier of the white album haha nice joke

Pheromone: fitter happier, no longer playing the tuba 

Jesper: KEEP this KEEP fat man may he rest in tuba

jotW: KEEP this KEEP Sunny Afternoon by the Kinks

Pheromone: KEEP this KEEP the yellow submarine movie which is equally a trip

Anat: KEEP this and KEEP the size 48 jogging bottoms that the fat man used to wear before he slimmed

(30) Good Night

Pheromone: should we listen to it all again for control purposes

Jesper: do you want to keep your kidneys

Anat: start again i had my headphones muted

Pheromone: ending your 130 minute anti-opus with a ringo number is such a funny concept

jotW: yeah that’s a good point but how good is Revolution 9 as an inspo for future Mooncat material

Pheromone: the beatles walked so mooncat could run

Jesper: is this ringo’s mating call

Anat: this song is about john lennon’s mum

jotW: this gives me unironic Smashing Pumpkins vibes 

Pheromone: this reminds me of the tonight, tonight music video i see it

Jesper: KILL this also KILL morrissey 

Pheromone: jesper is the worst vegetarian again!

jotW: KILL this even though I’m grateful that it ends this wreck of an album also KILL JesperL

Anat: KEEP this disney ass closer because why the fuck not. The editing process for this album was clearly not taken seriously who cares

Pheromone: I feel like Andy Dufrane topless in the rain – KEEP this beautiful moment beautiful song KEEP the white album in all it’s fucking weird annoying i-will-really-never-listen-to-this-again-in-full glory

Anat: is it the white album because it is an amalgamation of every possible thing they could think of like all the colours combining

jotW: it was just an album but then Charles Manson made it white

(31) Come Together

Jesper: no

Pheromone: god no

Closing Remarks

Jotw: Yeah it’s a silly album. Narrow KEEP hard 3.5. Nice try, Beatles

Jesper: I am vaguely excited for the generation of people who genuinely think this is the best music gets to slowly… not be there anymore. It’s ok but I’ll never listen to it in full again, PURGATORY? 

Anat: if i had to sit down and parse all the good tracks i don’t know that there’d be an album’s worth left, and i would say the essential tracks are v limited, but at its worst it is a scary glimpse into the headspace of some deranged scousers so the slightest, slightest of KEEPs for historical significance 

Pheromone: I love the White Album as a concept and where it stands in the beatles discog – I don’t get how some people very vocally pretend that it’s the beatles best but music is subjective this is true. Yeah I will never listen to it again. KEEP because it’s sacrilege to KILL. I want a tea.

Anat: womp, womp, womp oops i am bold

Final KILLstats

Anat: 13/30 (43.33%)

JesperL: 17/30 (56.67%)

jotW: 14/30 (46.67%)

Pheromone: 7/30 (23.33%)

Surviving Tracklist

The following are the remaining songs that not one competitor elected to KILL.

1. Dear Prudence

2. I’m So Tired

3. Blackbird

4. I Will

5. Julia

6. Mother Nature’s Son

7. Revolution 9

KILL or KEEP will return soon, please be excited and stay posted!

Archive

Vol.1: Smashing Pumpkins – Mellon Collie…

Vol.2: Nine Inch Nails – The Fragile 

Vol.3: Carly Rae Jepsen – Emotion

Vol.4: Deftones – White Pony

Vol.5: Nightwish – Once

Vol.6: Tavito Nanao – Heavenly Punk Adagio

Vol.7: Big Thief – Dragon New Warm Mountain…