You guys probably get the gist of this by now, right? But just in case you haven’t or you’re new or GetLow this is where we vaguely cover “how to review an album”. That is to say in this segment we’ll be cross checking different staffers’ approaches to putting words together. Maybe you’re a budding reviewer, on the cusp of greatness, searching for that piece of the puzzle lost on the floor or maybe your mum just logged you on to the household’s singular trusty laptop and you don’t know what to do with your fifteen-minute screen allowance before the older sibling demands the computer for…research? Either way, you’ve come to the right place!

I want to chat with the guy who inspired a nutritious breakfast drink (we will take sponsorship if you’re out there Nestle). No? Rude. Anyways… Mr. M. Ruggles. The one and only ladies, man, ladies-man, jellybeans, lo-fi aficionados…

First off. Who are you and how did you get here?

Some bloke shook me awake and said, “This is the last stop.” I wasn’t entirely sure where I was, but once I alighted the bus, I grabbed the nearest man with lapels by his lapels and started screaming about how blackgaze was coming along just fine until Numenorean showed up, and then I thought I was being restrained but everybody was cheering, and they crowd surfed me to wherever this is.

Here’s another version of the truth. Picture a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed lad from a quaint wee beach town rife with yuppies wandering onto a university campus with a vague notion that he enjoyed journalism. Picture the light fading from his eyes, his tail going limp as his professors told him they’re not sure what social media is going to do to journalism (other than kill newspapers), don’t worry, anyway, here, read some Chomsky, what, you’ve not heard of him? Now picture a rudderless student adrift on the open sea, a vast purgatorial current pushing him toward the rugged coastlines of sputnikmusic, grapes withering on the vine, tumbleweeds softly plummeting from cliffs, whalesong drowned out by cruiseliners etc

What’s your favourite word? Are you trying to squeeze it into your next review needlessly? 

Whatever word it is that gets you aboard an airplane and across the Tasman Sea to cook me dinner you cooktease. I’ll give you three goddamn words if that helps: Milo’s, Personal, Chef.

I am currently looking for work. How is the salary? Oh, and that word: “pusillanimous” – – Do with that what you will. 

Uh, so you know how I pusillanimously bluff my way through reviews, avoiding making any statements that need qualifying while hiding behind a brittle veneer of supposed good humour? My professional life has followed a similar (if more tragic) trajectory, and consequently my fiscal situation is dire. Ergo, I humbly request that you prepare my every meal gratis. 

I suck a mean dick though.

I don’t doubt that dear.

How many reviews do you have on this site? No, disregard that. How many reviews are you truly proud of?

At a glance—and at the mercy of my tired and mildly-liquored whims—roughly 10 (out of nearly 50). In saying that, there’s at least a handful of things I’d change about all of them.

What are the earmarks of writer burnout? Do you have burnout?

Fuark, tough question. Writer Burnout Entertainment Inc. (commonly known as Writer Burnout or abbreviated as WB) is a literary washups studio headquartered at the Writer Burnout Studios complex in Burbank, California, and a subsidiary of Writer Burnout Discovery. Various side effects of Writer Burnout may include soul-searching, wondering why exactly it is that you write, weighing this up against other activities which nourish your spirit, and ultimately trying not to worry about whether you may be “writing enough” or “writing too much” or “doing as much blow as Stephen King without the output to justify the habit”.

What’s your writing style? How many metaphors do you use every second week?

Colloquial, dumb, cheerful, and fun. I selfishly try to emulate styles that I find entertaining to read, and my obnoxious voice floats amidst this plagiarism like a bad smell. Fuck, that’s a simile. 

Take two: I shit metaphors—most of them aren’t photogenic enough to stave off a swift plunge down the S-bend; the most accomplished/obscene are fished out with a small net and objectionably displayed on my wall of Duchampian bullshit.

Define how we should use our decimal ratings properly. How can I do better?

It’s simple: anything that should be a 4.5 becomes either a 4.3, 4.4, 4.6, or 4.7. Apply this formula to any given user rating, and laugh at the rabble from the giddy heights of Patrician Plaza. Fucking rats. How can you do better? Well, cripes, at a glance you actually use the lot of them. Even those pesky .6s. Maybe you need to stamp your mark on a particular rating. 4.9, perhaps?

4.1 or 4.2 scores. 

If you’re really gonna advocate for a 4, you might as well make it a 4.2. 

So 4.1 is banned?

I’m just saying that somebody is more likely to listen to a 4.2 than a 4.1, so unless you’re secretly inflating a 3.8, make your 4 a 4.2.

Which non .5 increment rating are you most guilty of abusing?

I’ve lowkey made a push to claim 3.3 as my own. I’m only two deep, but the results have been divisive and it’s scary and turns me on a little.

Should I be worried? Like personally? I like 3.3’s too!

Don’t worry bae, I’m a docile cat. That being said, I’ll remember every last slight against me when I’ve disappeared mx and manoeuvred my way onto the throne. At that point, if you behave, you can be my council and we will veto any 3.3 that does not meet the required spice threshold.

Just while we’re chatting bullshit, I want to acknowledge that assigning a numerical score to a work of art is some special kinda silly sausagery. Sometimes an ambitious 2.5 is far more worth your time than a by-the-books 4. 

This is my one strong opinion on criticism in the midst of this amicable japery — listen up ye audience of dozens: find a critic who tickles your brain a little, who makes you think about something other than the perceived value of your time vs. a work of art and a number that represents this tradeoff. Good critics should not only elevate good art, but engage with its content in more nuanced and interesting ways than “riffs hard” or “beautiful cinematography” or “did anybody else think that Humbert Humbert wasn’t actually that great a person?” I’m probably not one of those critics, but people like that are the reason I consume criticism. 

Instead of following this up by posting an incongruous mix of critics that I appreciate, I’ll point you at one in particular that is just as arresting whether they’re talking about the latest Nolan film or a sleeper hit of international (uh, non-Western) cinema: David Bordwell. https://www.davidbordwell.net/blog/

Imagine you are mx and you are poring over your teamsheet trying to graft four staffers together to form a writer that will attract all of the young zeitgeisty folks from RYM into the land of ten-character password limits. Which four staffers do you pick, and which skill do you take from each?

Winesburgohio: mixing investigative insight with personable and emotive prose while beckoning people toward literary landmines. Which skill indeed.

JohnnyoftheWell: actually, talking about music but also talking about almost anything with alacrity alas and alack Johnny is lowkey the final boss from Serial Experiments Lain and your identity is at stake.

clavier: climbs inside of oppressively dark albums with a flashlight and lights up every nook in the grotto. Analysis achieved, clavier clambers back out into cloying daylight, squinting, and holds up a 24-carat evidence-based opinion that cannot be argued with (clavier come back)

Sowing: writes the kind of soppy personal review that almost nobody can pull off, yet by the end of it you’re wondering if he’s your very own father finally returned from that prolonged pilgrimage to fetch milk. Brimming with wet-cheeked para-social love, you begrudgingly admit that there is still some great rock music being made, and suspect that Sowing might be financing all of it…

Damn, that’s a play if I’ve ever saw one.

Here’s some consolation for the many outstanding writers that didn’t make the cut (including the most amiable chef {interviewer(critic)} I’ve ever encountered): this writer would be an abomination, wielding attributes aplenty and no singular voice. The most appealing part of a writer is that they are themselves. The strength of this website isn’t contained within the towering intellect of any particular writer, but in the breadth of voices that are given carte blanche to embarrass themselves in front of an audience that at times seems to be genuinely attentive.

How important is it to connect with your reader? Do you do this? How do you suck them in and get them to the hallowed comments without having to resort to audible torture and vague threats?

There are enough subsets of “reader” to justify any approach you take—someone will get it (hi someone!). First things first: would you like to read the piece that you’re writing? If not, then why the fuck are you writing it in the first place?

But also in addition as well as PS: it depends on what you mean by “connect”. Does pissing them off count? 

Absolutely yes and no. Is this a mood thing? Or do you save yourself like a Mormon virgin waiting for the right um…review to give away everything?

I’m always in the mood (yuhp, lips smacking etc), but context dictates everything. As much as you might induce some KILL-adjacent sniggers by making inappropriate comments while reviewing, say, A Crow Looked At Me, you’ll be scrubbing spots from your hands for the rest of your days. If you’re really looking to get someone’s goat, wait for an artist with a backing like Tool to release an album, and unleash a torrent of flamebait no matter how good the new release is. The majority of my Fear Inoculum review was written before I’d even heard the album.

For prospective writers out there, how should a writer deal with criticism, constructive or otherwise? Which one are you?

It depends! It depends who you are. It depends who is supplying the criticism. If somebody criticises your work in earnest, you’ll recognise it, and you can learn much from it. Nevertheless, sort the wheat from the chaff yourself—the criticism is for you to consider; it is not always correct. 

As for unconstructive? criticism, there are three options: a) obliterate their shitty opinions with some well-resourced zingers and gear up for an argument in the public forum (no thanks), b) ignore their shitty opinions, or c) reply without addressing their concerns in the most subtly frustrating way possible (a personal favourite).

As for the rarely-referenced You Done Fucked Up criticism—which you may well face if, like me, you occasionally say something without thinking it through because you think it sounds good at first glance—you deal with this by apologising and admitting you were wrong.

Which one am I? All of the above, but I suppose I try to consciously engage with criticism at the very least. Most of the battle is trying to decipher which criticisms are actually constructive for you.

Your favourite review found in the dusty catacombs of Sputnikmusic’s dusty servers?

Winesburgohio’s review of Ana Hato and Deane Waretini – The Great Songs of Ana Hato and Deane Waretini. Buried in a thorough journalistic inquiry into the history of the album’s creation is a story distinctively of Aotearoa, but universal in its depiction of imperialism’s insidious domination of artistic and cultural spaces, documenting the transformation of music from an involved and meaningful tradition into a detached commodity controlled by profiteering distributors. Even outside of this odd little corner of the internet, this is an exemplary piece of writing that I have shared with many people that I actually talk to using my mouth.

And separately, the review that first inspired you to write for Sputnik, become a contributor and eventually become Staff?

I remember being blown away by Chan’s Devil and God… review back in the days when I used to pentatonically shred along to Nine Inch Nails while playing Warcraft 3 TDs. Its barefaced emotion roused me into bookmarking a third site that I might visit daily—alongside, I dunno, The Escapist and babes.com or something—if I found 15 minutes to boot up a well-dated PC and wait for Internet Explorer to load.

Later, in more uncertain times, KILL’s Rids the World of the Curse of the Vampires review and other silly shit of its ilk kept me afloat. Now that I’ve dropped his name twice, I feel compelled to mention that much of KILL’s content has not aged well for reasons that should be obvious. Nevertheless, if the critic I’m reading doesn’t have Sontag levels of insight and is simply trying to market an album they enjoy, I’d rather they self-deprecate and bullshit and be entertaining than roll out a track-by-track assisted by facts that I could find myself if I jumped on Wikipedia. Talking about the music is overrated sometimes.

The one that finally got me behind the keyboard (on this site under this pseudonym anywayz, I used to write for Rolling Stone) was ramon.’s review of Warforged’s I: Voice, which balances humour and informative criticism in a way that I found hugely refreshing, so I found a metal album that frustrated me a similar amount and went ham.

When you write you’re a veritable and comparable John Petrucci to the pimply teenager who doesn’t yet know how to tune their six string. Are you self aware of your proficiency? How do others get “Milo good”?

First of all, shucks and humility and credit where it’s due etc, but Petrucci? Fair enough, I guess I exude big power metal energy haha. In another Staff Deep Dive involving a more perceptive person than I, could you please ask someone (not that someone) to assign various staff members a representative guitarist? (ie Gnocchi is Angus Young/Chuck Schuldiner) … it’s a shame you’ve already made Johnny spill his secrets, this is his territory.

Johnny is forever an addict to this sort of gossip. A few more wines and I’ll probably “part two” that boi. He has also mentioned a piss-take related to metal tropes which I’ll probably be guilty of bulking content on…

We’ll see I’m sure.

Am I aware of my proficiency? The (positive) feedback that I’ve received reassures me that I don’t suck, and I find that supremely comforting. Pump my tires up fam, and I’ll keep pumping the pistons.

Not sucking must be a nice feeling.

Conversely, I’m a relatively keen reader, and even on a sputnik-sized scale I’m surrounded by writers that make me feel like I need to take a hairdryer to my nether regions in order to measure up. When we expand the scope out to my literary heroes (Thomas Pynchon, Keri Hulme, Virginia Woolf, William Gass, Cormac McCarthy, OHYESPROSEWRITERSBAYBEE) I feel as if I’m not a good writer at all (but that is okay!)

Should you find yourself wanting to get, uh, “Milo good”, read books! If you don’t read good, you don’t write good. What also seems to work for me is the Coen brothers’ approach – edit and rewrite time and time again until you’re so familiar with the work that you hate it, then it’s probably ready to publish. Reading aloud is also very useful for parsing mistakes and hearing opportunities to make your prose sing a little. 

Additionally, seek advice and feedback from people whose work you revere. It turns out most people are kind enough to help you if you ask. Feel free (anyone) to get in my shoutbox or hit me at sputnikmiloreviews@outlook.com if you want my take on something you’ve written. I’m not very good at giving technical advice because we’re not really taught language in any meaningful capacity in Aotearoa, but I’ll happily tell you what I do or don’t see in your work.

Parting words for new faces, scribes or people who only type using their respective pointer fingers?

I’m not really a goal-oriented person, so my advice for somebody “aspiring” to write is to simply make it fun for yourself. Otherwise, what’s the point? Note: we do this for freeeeeee

Wait. You’re not getting paid for this? Remind me not to show you my pay stubs.

Words for everyone else?

I want to encourage the super knowledgeable users with well-resourced taste and takes to write more reviews. Accruing that knowledge takes a lot of time and effort, and I hate to see it wasted in standoffish comment threads. I won’t drop any particular names; there’s at least a handful of you out there (shouts out to those of you that make lists). Share the love. 

And your safe word?

Floccinaucinihilipilification, which ironically is a tendency I inspire in most of my lovers.

Dewinged MarsKid AsleepInTheBack Tyman Jesper Johnny

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