Oh. Hi, and welcome back to yet another installment of “Staffers’ gone Wild!” or um…vague instructions on how to review music. In setting aside your schedule of busy Sputnikmusic comment posting and left click debauchery to get to the nitty gritty of “how to review music”, hacks, roms and workarounds we hope you still enjoy this little left-hand turn from visiting Tool threads. In this segment we’ll be cross checking different staffers’ approaches to putting words together. Maybe you’re a budding reviewer, on the cusp of greatness, searching for that piece of the puzzle lost on the floor or maybe your mum just logged you on to the household’s singular trusty laptop and you don’t know what to do with your fifteen-minute screen allowance before the older sibling demands the computer for…research? Either way, you’ve come to the right place!

I’ll do away with the small talk (or will I?) but you guys all know the power puff diddle of Sputnikmusic. The site’s Mr. Nice Guy. The El Primo himself, pimp-daddy Dewinged!

First off. Who are you and how did you get here?

That depends. In this version of the multiverse I’m the worldwide famous reviewer Dewingus Magnificus, well known for writing embarrassing 5/5 reviews for several hair metal albums, but what really brought me here was the scent of blood in the air. Also Mongi’s review of Cult of Luna & Julie Christmas’ “Mariner”.

Are you really a pimp?

I’ll admit I’ve pimped a couple of dwarves in the past for reasons I won’t disclose here, but nowadays I’m focused on improving my waffle receipt and honestly just being a good solid waffle all around.

Who on Sput’s roster would you like to have dinner with most?

Well, you of course, my dear. Not only are you the site’s chefest of chefs, you’re also a brother in metal. I would also sit on a table with Milo and Winesburgohio and pretend I understand the conversation while in reality I’m just simping in the presence of these two grammar wizards. I have, in fact, sat with Johnny a couple of times and we have shared nama-birus and feasted on manta-ray flesh, but that’s a tale for another time. 

How many reviews do you have on this site? No, disregard that. How many reviews are you truly proud of? 

None really. They are all a disgrace and mostly the fruits of having downtime at work. I liked writing the Frozen Soul one though, that one was fun to write.

What’s a good workload? How many reviews “should” we be putting out each year. I’ll take a definitive number or average amount if you please.

I’d say 12 a year, or one per month is a doable and well- balanced output. Papa Universe (may god have him in his glory) once tried to do the one-review-a-day challenge and I saw him slowly losing his mind with each review to the point that he once wrote a review that said “I have nothing to say about this album”. So, I guess any output that doesn’t take you to that dark place is fair game.

Are you on target?

You mean the shop? Or if I’m being targeted by the KGB? I guess no to both.

What’s your writing style? How many metaphors do you use a week?

I don’t have a very defined style, I think. I mostly improvise and try different things, nothing as crazy as Koris’ writing a whole review as a poem or anything fancy like that, but you know, try to match the tone of the album or the opposite, like trying to treat a serious album as a comedian’s monologue. And about metaphors, metaphorically speaking, my whole life is a metaphor of a life I’ll never have. 

Define how we should use our decimal ratings properly. This site has become rife with abuse.

There’s no such thing as decimal decency. Decimals are corruption personified, they will drive you mad and consume your soul. The moment you have access to decimals is the moment that you realize you’re past the point of fucking around and finding out.

4.1 or 4.2 scores. Which is more correct.

I’d settle for a 4.150 if I could. 

Which non .5 increment rating are you most guilty of abusing?

3.8 is the new 3.5 for sure.

What do we need more of? Metal “Best New Music” reviews or Johnny giving pedestrian milquetoast scores to probably popular records?

As long as Johnny manages to have a whole country trying to bring down our social media, I’d say give him the power, but BNM has become such a musical brothel that really any album can end up there as long as you can butter 3 staffers or more, and metal staffers are known for being easily buttered. “Riffs, m/”, etc. (me included).

I do know a thing or two about butter…I’m also insulted/not insulted that you think we’re so easily greased.

How important is it to connect with your reader? Do you do this? How do you suck them in and get them to the hallowed comments section short of buying a few bitcoin shares?

Well, the first paragraph is everything and it’s the time for going wild and letting loose the hook. Settle a theme, find a personal anecdote to tie it all in, or something hilarious about the artist or genre being reviewed. I try to keep in mind who’s gonna read this nonsense I’m writing, sometimes I even have specific sputters on my mind. Then they never show up and I feel like Pablo Escobar staring at his empty pool. 

What’s harder to write? The 2.5 or the 5/5?

It’s harder for me to write a 5/5 review without gushing because you gotta back your arguments and there’s a very high chance the reader won’t agree, which is always the disheartening side of reviewing music you truly have strong feelings for. On the other hand, I never write 2.5 reviews because if an album deserves such a rating, I just don’t see the point in spending time listening to it only to bash it. Time is of the essence, my friends.

I’m going to put you on the spot. What do we need more from the staff reviewers here? Who should review and post more and who should take a week off?

I’d like some staffers to be more active on review threads and contribute to the blood of this site: the shitposting. About the who and who, at the time of writing this I’ve been fairly absent from the site recently, so I’d say I need to write more, but at the same time I need a week off, hell, even a month would be nice.  

Your favourite review found in the dusty catacombs of Sputnikmusic’s dusty servers?

Punkgeekalt’s review of Eisley’s Room Noises is probably one of my favorites but there are many I don’t remember. Some of KILL’s reviews are an obvious answer too. 

And separately, the review that first inspired you to write for Sputnik, become a contributor and eventually become Staff?

When I was starting to write Doofus was one of my favorite writers on the site, always loved his writing. Johnny and Milo are also incredible writers that have always shown me you can take a piece far and beyond orthodox writing. I’m not a very ambitious person so I’ve never aimed for contributor or staff very aggressively, but I do remember you motivated me to become a contributor during a time when I had a severe writer’s block. I went for staff because in some deep dark corner of my mind, a voice convinced me that I wanted to take care of the weekly releases post, something I deeply regretted a few months later (lol), so kids, be careful what you wish for.

re: Weekly Releases, look at us now babe. Still dipping into the med pool to get the job done.

Tips for getting through writer’s block? 

Treat writing as something completely trivial. The times I’ve suffered “the block” were times where I was just forcing myself to write that perfect review and never succeeded. Write anything: a glorified sound-off, a 5 pages essay of what you had for dinner last night and then mention three songs, then post it and enjoy the comment section. It’s only then that you’ll realize how unimportant all this is. 

Parting words for new faces, scribes or people who only type using their respective pointer fingers?

Listen, there are many ways to employ your free time. There’s photography, traveling, movie theaters, drugs, crime, anything, but escape from this mental hellhole at any cost, you fool!

Words for everyone else?

Hey, s‘sup.

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