Is it evening yet? Or is the morning? Um…setting aside your schedule of busy Sputnikmusic comment posting and left click debauchery to get to the nitty gritty of “how to review music”, hacks, roms and workarounds. In this segment we’ll be cross checking different staffers’ approaches to putting words together. Maybe you’re a budding reviewer, on the cusp of greatness (how ’bout that?), searching for that piece of the puzzle lost on the floor or maybe your mum just logged you on to the household’s singular trusty laptop and you don’t know what to do with your fifteen-minute screen allowance before the older sibling demands the computer for…research? Either way, you’ve come to the right place!

Welcome to Part. 1! Today (or sometime this week more likely) we have…Jesper!!

First off. Who are you and how did you get here?

Hi! I’m Jesper and I probably got here in like 2015 while trying to find a review for Knuckle Puck or Brand New or something. Pop punk being part of your origin story is rarely a good sign. 

How many reviews do you have on this site? No, disregard that. How many reviews are you truly proud of? Now you can circle back. How many reviews do you have? 

Eh, out of my 155 reviews I might be truly proud of a few of them. I honestly don’t know because I never/rarely reread my own reviews after they’re up (mostly because I’ll have proofread them like 24 times and don’t want to read that exact sequencing of words ever again).

Is that an acceptable percentage? Did you do your best?

I definitely didn’t do my best at answering the previous question because that would require me to read 155 reviews by JesperL. Is it an acceptable percentage? Whatever the percentage may be, yes. I don’t always do my best to write the most intricate, mind-blowing piece ever (except for when it comes to daine reviews) but I do always try my best to write something that may be vaguely entertaining to some. 

Do you have a style? Explain it in words easy enough for a simpleton to follow please.

Short with pretty adjectives. Or longer with vague references to my mental state. 

Now make that answer as bloated as possible.

Bitesize pieces of writing that can be consumed at any point by anyone, littered with references to nebulous concepts. Furthermore, occasional lengthy experiences providing in-depth windows into my psyche with regards to the relevant music may find their way onto JesperL’s Sputnikmusic dot com page. 

What’s important when reviewing music? Is it the music?

Music is cool but I just want to be entertained. No one is capable of perfectly conveying what an album sounds like in a review so an approximation is fine, I just want to read some nice lil jokes or insights into a writer’s life/joy/misery. 

Remind me to insert a token dad joke here.
Wait. I got one. What does Beethoven do in his grave?

A: He decomposes.

Is there a review, if you were given the power, you’d put first in line for deletion? Why is this the review that would get the chop?

Does it have to be my own? Jk, kinda. Anything I wrote before 2020, probably. My New Found Glory review having a ‘staff’ tag attached to it is hilarious and also deeply depressing. 

Do you 4.1 or 4.2? Did you know that Johnny’s eye twitches every time a 4.1 review is published? Or is that the 4.2? I can’t remember.

It is common knowledge that Johnny cannot be trusted with ratings or music. I 4.1 and 4.2 and whatever else seems applicable. It’s more about vibes: some music just radiates 3.7, you know? 

What review do you have the most comments on and why do you think that is. How many alt accounts did you use to boost the numbers?

Oh no you are making me do so much work and research help I’m not used to doing stuff. Okay, I guess it’s my Counterparts review. I didn’t have to fire up my botfarm for this one: all it took was some pre-release post-leak ultra-hype, subsequent post-release post-leak ultra-hate and one dead cat. Not even the great comment wipe of 2023 could help that. 

Are comments important? Should we tell sites like Metal Injection? 

Yeah absolutely, the community is the main reason I’m on Sputnik. Don’t tell Metal Injection, though. 

Who’s your favourite emeritus for ‘style’ reasons? What about their writing made this impression on you?

I remember reading a lot of DaveyBoy as a lurker, but perhaps it’s Trebor.’s stuff. I like short and occasionally mildly annoying. 

On the other end of the scale without naming fingers or pointing names do you think there’s something professional reviewers or our staff writers should be stepping away from? Lay it on thick. You can use yours truly if you lack inspiration. 

Stop reviewing nazi music, I really feel like that shouldn’t even be a topic of discussion. Also just stop reviewing Imagine Dragons. 

Your favourite review found in the dusty catacombs of Sputnikmusic’s dusty servers? Now pick one of your own. Which review wins?

The first one that comes to mind is someone’s parannoul review, it’s one of the few reviews I can visualise in my mind. I really like ParkersCannon’s Movements review too: that was the first time I realised a music review could be bad. My favourite review I’ve written is probably my Ethel Cain writeup: I wrote that in one go while being Big Emotional about the album and it turned out not terrible, I think. 

And separately, the review that first inspired you to write for Sputnik, become a contributor and eventually become Staff?

I can’t pinpoint one specific review, but the pandemic really helped me write regularly. Before that, though, all the frequent writers from the late-2010s era inspired me a lot: neek, Sowing, Dewi, and so on! 

Parting words for new faces, scribes or people who only type using their respective pointer fingers? 

Stay swagging. 

Inspire a new generation of writers here.

Writing is fun so you should probably do it. It’s also perfectly fine to not write since there’s a fair chance you’re a better writer than me and then I’ll just feel bad about myself. Also I’m a zoomer and I feel really uncomfortable having to inspire any kind of generation yikes I have like 23 TikToks to watch. 

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