Hard Jams Inc. World Tour 2012-04-02 by telex | 53 Comments |
Massively successful rock group Hard Jams Inc. have begun their latest tour and are going across the United States to rock and jam harder than Beethoven. The recent band line-up has been unstable, to the point where only the single band member is there, but all four members have reunited gloriously for a total of two months.
A message from the guitarist, bassist, drummer, keyboardist, and vocalist sonictheplumber:
"Everyone, Hard Jams Inc. has indeed suffered many foul movements since our 1978 beginning. Back then we were the hardest jamming group out there; after all our trials and tribulations as children, we became huge. Groupies would fight eachother and break bottles of aquafortis over their own heads just to have a chance to give Johnny a brief ride. However, everything fell apart when Johnny starting have drug problems - he split in '82 and went off to join Spinal Tap.
Without Johnny, everything just fell apart. Hans eventually split for Texas when the oil bust hit in '86, and the only guys left were me and KILL. We had both felt we had reached our lowest point, but when the thrash movement began, bro we thrashed HARD. We pounded eardrums and heads and chodes and asses harder than cone would ever dream of - however, when grunge took over in '93, KILL split. But then I remembered something: God made me. And now, to this day, I am touring.
But we've all gotten back, Johnny's a brand new sober man like the drummer from Black Sabbath in '83, Hans has a spankin' new job and a wife that he enjoys to give a hard good anal fuckin' too, and KILL is as good as ever: kicking down trash cans, burning churches, calling Limp Bizkit fans fags, and slapping hot blonde teacher's asses.
And now we're coming back! ROCK ON!"
Tour dates can be found at: http://tf141media.wordpress.com/2012/04/02/hard-jams-inc/
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Tagged:
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hahaha
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front row bitches
as long as splinterdick gorefuck can open
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we formed in 68 not 78 but other than that yes indeed we are back baby, although our frontman avery has some issues leaving his room atm
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oh my god no fucking kc date this is such bullshit
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fuck no northeast dates
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fuck you kris makin' me look unoriginal
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maybe you should stop copying me you cuntface im only here to rock hard
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True Metal lives
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The Banned Warrior Tour
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Glendale, Arizona – 4/16
best birthday present
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Finally guys. Finally
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I don't know where Twentynine Palms is, but I'll try to make it
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brutal schedule
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jom is great
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would go purely for the foul movements
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Fuck yes they're coming to Salem.
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ew its sonicspeed
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so there's a Broadway musical on 4/30 but it gives no location, wtf
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fuck yea tacoma wa
sign my titties plz
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The fact that they somehow can go from Atlanta, GA to Salem, OR and perform on the same day at the beginning of the tour is mystifying to me.
Each member is well-versed in playing all instruments concurrently.
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omfg
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The Limp Bizkit comment is like 9 years too late lol
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'although our frontman avery has some issues leaving his room atm'
hahahaha
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when are the european tour dates announced?
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got backstage passes for the boston show
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lolol fucking awesome
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yes indeed we are back baby, although our frontman avery has some issues leaving his room
atm
lol
Can't believe I didn't get a mention.
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gonna make both atl dates
trve
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"suffered many foul movements"
Fiber is a bitch.
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not enough demos
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lol they are playing in both georgia and iowa on the same night, same with ohio and new mexico, georgia and oregon, missouri and arizona, and iowa and illinois
these guys rock so hard they are in two places at once
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got backstage passes for the boston show
you dirty slut you..
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If only this didn't clash with my upcoming sex tour of Nigeria
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http://i.imgur.com/uXAFi.jpg
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^ I think there's around equal chance of contracting AIDS with both tours
edit: @ Dev
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lol awesome.
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"lol they are playing in both georgia and iowa on the same night, same with ohio and new mexico, georgia and oregon, missouri and arizona, and iowa and illinois"
All that matters is that they ARE coming to Cleveland.
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It's clear to me that Hard Jams Inc have their own hot tub time machine. I'm taking this matter to court out of spite and jealousy.
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*quits job and leaves to follow Hard Jams, Inc. on tour*
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Teleportation with the power of rock.
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I'm sorry guys I had to write this article.
Only on my alt account.
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No stops in Canada? Darn. Might have to trek down to NJ.
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guys i can confirm, this is fake
no tour dates til i'm ungrounded
Jom, you know what to do.
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Guys guys
This is only the north american leg. They'll be doing tours in asia and europe and africa and south america soon.
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lololol
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Sonic, for your next trip up here can you do a cover of this song? Kthxbye
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ds1yzxfGr28
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who cares last time i saw them KILL was wearing a leotard and feather boa they probably wont play any of their old shit only that fruity new age chode worshiping synth metal
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will be at the tacoma show
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Hahahaha
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make a london date u stupid bitches.
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Don't tell us what to do, Hollier.
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the lonely death of hobert rollier
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M/
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