Hello and welcome back to our ongoing sexification of Staff past and present and hopefully present-and-future by way of deep-diving casual-reading power-lifting interview posi-sharking antics: Sputnik’s very own Meet the Spartans. Steel yourself as impossible questions are posed and the Staffers you wish you’d had the courage or attention span to acknowledge surpass your wildest expectations.

Today we speak to a mav, a gonz, a true salt, a vagrant wordsmith. He will scratch your back, make you hungry, cook you dinner, steal all your houseplants, and win a big rusty bronze prize for it because he is just that good. He has never been sober. He will never drop the ball. He has the flow; everything is flowing. Is he a true disciple of Heraclitus, or the Dionysian we’ve all dreamed we could be? Don’t ask him – he don’t fuckin know! What do we know?

Yes this is MiloRuggles!

Milo.

J-Johnny? Is that you?

Hi.

Where are we? Can you loosen these straps on my wrists?

You tell me. This is an interview. You have the answers. Give them to me. But first, Sowing gave me a stop-and-search warrant: I’m going to need to see your three most recent jams and last meal itinerary before we can go any further.

You’ve caught me at a hell of a time. I might even seem cool! Check these out:

1) Gal Gosta – Não identificado: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6khZzKCSomE

Look at this! This was recommended to me on our very own website by one of the cleaner peons, ArsMoriendi, in our inclusive and wonderful Song of the Day thread (a monthly occurrence and ez way to get good recs. Come join!).

2) Imogen Heap- The Moment I Said It

I liked this. A lot. And should have more to say about it, because I am a semi-professional crit— paahahahahaha

3) Yugen Blakrok – Gorgon Madonna

This is every bit as good as the semi-pressional critic makes it out to be right here on https://www.sputnikmusic.com/review/81780/Yugen-Blakrok-Anima-Mysterium/

Last meal itinerary? Huh. So I’m usually okay at cooking, but tonight’s scheduled meal was a couple beef snags wrapped in Aotearoa’s finest soy & linseed bread, topped with a healthy dollop of tomato sauce courtesy of that scary American megacorp, Watties. There was also a spinach salad with tomatoes, red CAPSICUMS, and avocado; and some crispy roast potatoes with a light coating of salt, pepper, and olive oil. Lecker! Sorry Gnocchi xx

Smashing – Imogen Heap makes the heart leap. Now, could you help me out for a moment: I’m trapped in a reviewer’s seat on an online music site, but the more music I consume and the more knowledge I accrue, the less sure I am of anything I’d instinctively like to say. What should I do?

Ohoho you’re on the precipice, kid! If nothing is true, then everything is a certified banger. Do you like it? Then it is good. As for what you want to say, I’d recommend not talking about the music at all. People want anecdotes. They wanna know what Sowing had for breakfast (and what it meant), or about Wines being forcefully ejected from a DEKA as an unusually handsome adolescent. Back that shit up with a couple of questionable political takes, pop in some awful puns, then just drop a 5 and dip g

Miraculous advice. What’s your favourite holy book, and why?

Whichever one’s lightest on the pederasty.

Gravity’s Rainbow: big book with a big poo. Photo: Ellie Skrzat

What’s the least holy book you’ve read, and why?

I had to read Gravity’s Rainbow in the shower after I stumbled across the coprophagia scene. Easier clean up, ya dig?

What makes you believe in music (and what music makes you believe)?

So I’ve been getting to work on my digging skills and trying to widen my palette as I’m now the internet’s trendiest tastemaker, and my faith in music is still renewed at least weekly by some artist whose approach is utterly singular in an artform that sometimes seems rife with copycats and low-effort nothings. Recent obsessions have included John Prine’s wry storytelling, the way Avishai Cohen manages to lead a jazz trio from deep within the pocket, or the everythingfrenzy that Fire-Toolz spurts out.

If I’m being true to my 5s tho, I’m into loud melodrama. Spiritualized, Swans, Kayo Dot et al

What attracted you to Sputnik? How long did you lurk, and what tempted you to make the leap into userdom, as iconically chronicalled by the comment section of your Numenorean review?

Well shucks, I remember reading Chan’s The Devil and God… review when I was but a wee boy! To think I’ve had my writing torn apart (rightfully) by that very individual. The dream is attainable, kids.

I lurked for roughly fucking ages. At least 10 years. I had an account once, but found the site so fucking annoying to use that all I did was rate shit. I forgot the password. RIP.

Then I did some writing for, uh, FHM’s music department, because it was related to my studies and interests. I eventually took on the role of an editor because it seemed exciting. I worked hard to try and rep the coolest local music I could find for a wee while, but there was a fair bit of disingenuous praise from me, and I was ignoring emails from artists I couldn’t even bring myself to pretend to like (cold shoulder >>> stink review when you have no fans). I felt like a dick. I was trying to keep volunteer writers on deadline (thanks, Sputdaddies) and was transforming their lazier pieces into real content myself. I wrote copy for an ad or two. Keep in mind that all the while I was working full-time coaching the All Blacks to their 2015 world cup win.

Three months later, I found myself genuinely stressed for the first time in my life and $100 richer. Sick.

Sputnik’s chiaroscuro gothic castle perched atop a crag at the edge of the internet beckoned once more. I still wouldn’t be getting paid, but at least I could make some dick jokes.

Truly the most underdeveloped secret level in Elden Ring. Now, forgetting your own writing for a second, how does Sputnik scratch your itch today?

I like how reviewers can just go full fucking gonzo or write a poem or write something genuinely fucking terrible here. It’s really raw, and there’s a kind of unbound passion that underscores this community. You can find it in pockets elsewhere, but the way in which the site is structured and the tiering of users is actually kinda ingenious in how it encourages people to try to find their voice (despite the obvious shortcomings of the antiquated design). Maybe I’m just saying that because I have the keys to the kingdom — it was much more frustrating as a user lol, but that adds a bit of fire. I love that factions like the Biggle Boys can emerge from that kinda friction, even if their content was TRASH. YOU HEAR ME? STICK THAT ON YOUR WIKI

Oh, and heaps of beautiful users actually read all the words here! Without this soapbox I’d be three inches shorter, I’m telling yiz.

This is the first time I’ve had the pleasure of interviewing someone anonymous! For the benefit of our readers, could you clarify your reasons for this choice?

Aren’t there some Lithuanian Ariana Grande fans out to kill Hugh Puddles or something?! Is that something any sane person would want?

Actually, how did that make Hugh feel? Ask him for me. I’ll send him $5 for a coffee to catalyse this spilling of his guts.

Hugh is a devastating flirt when it comes to drama, but things got a little much when they dredged up a picture of my most demure-looking male friend and started doxxing him under my name. I felt bad for that. The biggest upshot was that I changed the name on my Youtube/Twitter-linked email to Hugo Puddle, which was fine until I forgot to change it back and remembered it was also the inbox I use for Sput and official stuff with promo liaisons. Oops. In the eyes of a few label bois and gals, Hugh’s as real as they come. I guess that makes him happy.

Anyway… back to your reasons for anonymity.

For the record, I’ve deleted about six different answers to this question. My reticence regarding social media is hypocritical multi-faceted. I’ve never had any desire to have my name ring in strangers’ ears, or for people to trawl through any online profiles I may have had to see what they can find. MiloRuggles could be anyone. MiloRuggles could be three people. I like this. I can lie about personal details, and approach various topics without having to defend my own identity. I’m not on some big anti-cancel culture buzz or out to spread dangerous rhetoric or anything. I just like to take what little privacy I can get in this day and age.

This place is an escape for me. I don’t wanna drag it round with me, or vice versa.

You are an unobtainable treat, but I imagine that your mix of protectionist instincts and personal distance on Sputnik is different now to how it was when you first donned the cloak of Milo. Am I correct? What has this secret identity come to mean to you, if anything?

When did this leather divan get here? Why am I lying down? I suppose you’re right. I hadn’t really thought about it.

Let’s unpack this in real time, doc. My initial run of reviews may remain my favourite that I’ve written because of how cathartic they were for me personally at that time, and how little I cared to actually analyse any music at all haha.

With my successive promotions (lol I’ve never had one of those in the real world), I felt a need to use my rather small platform for good. I figured I’d actually have to talk about the music. Now my reviews are twice as long, and largely bereft of gimmickry. Hmmm. I think I’ve improved as a writer, but I’d like to try to recapture some of that impetuous joy that initially drove me.

To answer your question more directly, I think Milo represents an opportunity for me to really test my mettle as a writer in a relatively low-stakes environment, but with an active and critical audience. On that note, if anyone thinks I’ve fallen off or think that reviews should be far more or less serious or whatever let me know in the comments (after liking and subscribing). I’m interested in what it is that people wanna read, and I’m here to experiment.

As a first-year Staffer with the most recent join date of anyone on the team (by a hefty margin! [at the time this interview took place]), you’re the statistical fit for Staff Room Baby (SRB). Unfortunately, you’re both too profane and too mysterious to claim credibility in this role (sorry), so it’s incumbent on you to nominate someone else in your stead. Who’s it gonna be?

Full disclosure, I struggle to remember people I’ve actually met, so I may be way off base about my wonderful digital buddies here.

[brings up staff info page]

Was AsleepInTheBack one of the last one to join us? We all love that kid’s purity! NOOGIE

In a month or so, you’ll have completed Lap #1 and we’ll maybe have a new SRB or two for you to senpai! How does this make you feel?

I don’t think I have much knowledge to impart from my short tenure, so I simply look forward to taking up my natural role of the drunk uncle making jokes that no one cares to hear:

Why are there no painkillers in the rainforest?

[crickets]

Parrots eat’em all

[crickets go silent]

Yikes. Watch out, new hirelings. Um, so, what’s your proudest achievement as Staff so far?

Managing to dib some actually good albums and do some pretty okay reviews and getting THOSE VIEWS BAYBEE. IF YOU COULD SEE ME NOW, DAD. Oh, nah, fuck that. I wrote this line and it’s 100% my proudest achievement: “REETH”’s keys are so atonal that they could find neither a tonic in a tavern nor a root in a brothel.

what have you learnt,

Staff are quick dibbers. No cold handed reaction times ‘round these parts. Writing timely reviews and making them as good as I wish they could be is near impossible.

what do you wish you’d aimed for this past year,

More silliness.

and is there anything different or new you want to push for in 2022?

I want to unearth some good music and force strangers to listen to it. As much fun as it is to tell festival-goers that Tame Impala are on a tragic downward spiral, I don’t really give a shit about negative reviews. I want to market some shit I believe in for artists that deserve it (yeahyeah while maintaining a critical eye and all that).

Evil question because I bet I can guess the answer: what’s the most disingenuously positive review or blurb you’ve written here?

Maybe somewhere between Shlimp Warc and Gonemage? Which is funny, because I genuinely enjoy both of those releases. I think you want me to say Seiko Oomori’s debut. As I’ve said somewhere, that’s interchangeably a 1 and a 5, which is probably a great thing?

You’re in a sauna. Mike Patton, Efrim Menuck and [the frontperson of the answer to your previous question] walk in and sit down. Shirts and socks are off, etc.. Sufjan Stevens appears out of nowhere, locks the door from outside and gets his banjo out. The acoustics are poor and the heat is rising. What’s your strategy?

Efrim is blissfully staring at the light fixture, mumbling something about mindfulness, impossibly at peace. “Oi, freeloader!” I yell. “You get government grants for that music you make? Is your merch sustainable? Fucking sellout. Get some singing lessons.” He calmly, deeply inhales through his nose, eyes softly shut, head on an upward tilt. Upon exhalation, his chakras misalign, and before he knows what’s happening his eyes are meth-wide and bloodshot and he’s loudly denouncing capitalism’s evils. Sufjan scowls, adjusts his ill-fitted cap.

I turn to Mike Patton and am instantly taken aback. His towel has migrated from his waist and is now firmly wrapped around his head. He strains, leering, holding a full bucket of water above him. “EVERYBODY GET DOWN” he shrills at an impressive E7 falsetto before dumping the water and diving to the floorboards. Hissing steam erupts from the hot stones. Seiko Oomori screams. And screams. And screams.

Silence.

Patton, Menuck, Oomori, and Stevens lie twitching on the floor, sucking in scorching lungfuls of steam, bleeding from the ears. I remove my earplugs, exhale the breath I’ve been holding. I grip Stevens’ banjo like an axe, shatter the narrow window, and painfully squeeze myself through. I crawl from the scene heavily cut and bleeding, grateful that I’ve managed to avoid a Grade A tinnitus risk and some meandering bullshit folk with just a couple of nicked arteries to show for it.

For the record, I was expecting you to go with your Ohms blurb on the question before lad so we could all have a glimpse at Chino’s rolls – holy foxtrot fuckcrikey I was not prepared for that.

Next? Sputnik Staff are taking a trip on your cruiser: there’s room for two bands and one unlikely DJ. What goes down?

I’m tapped lol

In his Staff Wars interview, our colleague BlushfulHippocrene described Goon of Fortune as something that only exists to reminisce about the days we were small enough to swing off those things. Could we get a comment on this?

Look, I’ve only played the game once, but I’m quite sure that the appeal is less philosophical. I believe it exists as a playful little excursion that serves as a stepping stone to getting completely and utterly rotten fucking drunk. Which is an end in itself.

More importantly, I’ve discovered my 2022 Sputnik goal: Aotearoa’s superior alternative to Goon of Fortune – Possum – shall be elaborated upon in a very special MiloRuggles review. That’s a promise.

Throw me a bone here because I’m uncertain: who should the next Staff Wars interviewee be?

This may be an impossible task, but can you bring back clavier? Bring back clavier!

Ace, thanks. This aged poorly (though a clavier interview was indeed dispatched). Now, give me more answers:

Goethe

Hopfen und Malz Goethe erhalt’s? (I must stop pretending I speak any German)

Marlowe

I swear I actually read books and know stuff. I swear. Add me on this godawful Bezos-site: https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/81726589-bobb

2021 Facebook whistleblowing

Eat the rich

Pride and Prejudice

I swear I actually read books and know stuff, but I’m yet to get into Austen. It’s on my shelf!

Single Transferable Vote

I don’t know. I just wish MMP worked better.

JesperL (the Sputnik Contributor)

Aaaayyyy, this guy! finger guns, etc.

Christ, have you seen how many reviews Jesp wrote in 2021? I read’em all! Was very grateful for Yu Su and Big|Brave as recs, and very happy to see Stimming get coverage. Have you seen those end of year blurbs too? Killer. Jesp writes good, digs good, and is good. Jesper4staff2022! (This aged.)

Chino Moreno

Used to be sexier, but I’d wreck my knees on his bedroom floor for sure. Try to play “Change (In the House of Flies)” and sing at the same time — I have no idea how this cunt picks what notes he sings. I can’t even find them.

Chog Bongo

Says he runs lol. More of a Billy Drangus kinda guy

Scott Cortez

GOOGLING oh i feel a fool, thanks for the rec, i love ambient

“I’m Waiting For The Man”

OH FUCK GOOGLING oh of course, didn’t know that was what it’s called, hheehehehe
I’ve listened to this many times but never paid attention. Get’em, Lou

Foster’s

You baiting piece of shit. Ask one of those fucking Australians you see in literally every backpackers worldwide, no matter how fucking far away from their sweltering shithole country you get

I’ve just remembered this is actually the second time I’ve interviewed you (see here for the first)! Which do you prefer: a lucky dip of loosely interrelated predetermined questions, or being ambushed on Facebook in real time for a power quote on a topic you’re unaware we’re supposed to be talking about?

I won’t lie, the last time was a lil dicey. I had no idea what was going on, and was rambling about my own life like a dumb hero. Or was I? Glad it tied up well, but this is more my speed lolol

Any final comments?

Thanks for a fucking sweet interview. Your writing inspires me to be better. Thanks to you and other staffers/contribs for proofing my half-cooked drafts and putting up with my shit. Thanks to the highest-ups for doing way more (very good!) work than they’re given credit for. Thanks to any and all who have read my reviews, and thanks to all those that comment. This site is bonkers and fucked and I love it. RIP Papa Universe, your POSitivity was infectious.

MiloRuggles, thanks for the pancake!

がんばって。私たちは皆あなたを頼りにしています。

。。。はい、がんばります。Ciao!

Thank you for your readership! Please stay tuned for our next instalment.

Previously on Staff Wars:

Dewinged・DrGonzo・Trebor・Xenophanes・Sowing・Winesburgohio・Pon・BlushfulHippocrene・Nocte・mynameischan・johnnyoftheWell