Closet Witch – Chiaroscuro

 

DOC: Hey ChatGPT, are you familiar with Sputnikmusic.com?

GPT: Yes, I’m familiar with Sputnikmusic! It’s a platform that covers music reviews, news, and discussions across various genres.

DOC: And the band Closet Witch?

GPT: Closet Witch is a hardcore/grindcore band known for their intense and energetic music. They’ve gained attention for their raw and chaotic sound within the hardcore scene.

DOC: Awesome. Write a Seinfeld scene about the band Closet Witch. Also George has been banned from Sputnikmusic

GPT:

[Jerry’s Apartment. Jerry is sitting on the couch reading a music magazine. George bursts in, looking agitated.]

Jerry: What’s got you all riled up now, George?

George: I’ve been banned, Jerry. Banned from the depths of the internet!

Jerry: What? Where? Not another forum, George. Last time it was that cooking blog.

George: No, not just any forum. Sputnikmusic!

Jerry: Sputnikmusic? What did you do, George?

George: I made an innocent comment about Closet Witch!

Jerry: Closet Witch? That hardcore band? What could you have possibly said about them?

George: I said they reminded me of a mashed-up cacophony of angry lawnmowers! I didn’t mean it in a bad way, just descriptive!

Jerry: And let me guess, the fans didn’t take kindly to your creative imagery?

George: They didn’t! They started a riot on the forum. ‘George The Mower Man’ they called me. I’ve been exiled, Jerry. Exiled!

Jerry: You and your way with words, George. Always stirring the pot.

[Elaine enters.]

Elaine: Hey, what’s going on?

George: I’ve been banned from Sputnikmusic for likening Closet Witch to angry lawnmowers!

Elaine: Closet Witch? Oh, I love them! Their music is so… invigorating!

Jerry: Invigorating? You mean ear-shattering?

Elaine: No, no, it’s powerful! It gets your blood pumping, makes you feel alive!

George: Well, you can enjoy your alive-ness on Sputnikmusic, because I’m out!

Jerry: Maybe it’s time to lay low on the forums for a bit, George. Let the lawnmowers cool off.

George: Cool off? They’re sharpening their blades, Jerry. I can feel it!

[The conversation continues as Jerry shakes his head, amused by George’s knack for getting into bizarre situations.]

DOC: This is fantastic, ChatGPT! I think we can do even better though. Let’s try another Seinfeld scene: Kramer does not believe George has been banned from Sputnikmusic for comparing Closet Witch to the noise of ‘angry lawnmowers,’ as he still contends, but rather for some more serious reason, and so Kramer presses him

GPT:

[Jerry’s Apartment. George is pacing nervously, Jerry is flipping through a magazine, and Kramer bursts in energetically.]

Kramer: Hey, buddy boys! What’s the commotion about?

George: Kramer, I’ve been banned from Sputnikmusic!

Kramer: Banned? No way, Georgie boy. You? Banned from an online music haven? What did you do?

George: I told you, Kramer. I compared Closet Witch to angry lawnmowers, and the fans revolted!

Kramer: Angry lawnmowers? That’s just poetic imagery, George! You’ve got a right to express your musical feelings.

Jerry: Kramer, that’s what I told him. But George here insists he’s been ousted for his ‘artistic critique.’

Kramer: George, George, George. You’ve got to have done something more. Those music aficionados don’t ban for just a lawnmower metaphor. Did you insult their musical expertise? Accuse them of living in their mom’s basements?

George: No! I’m innocent, Kramer. It was the lawnmowers!

Kramer: Nah, George, there’s something you’re not telling us. You’ve got a history of online mishaps.

George: I’m telling you, it was the lawnmowers! They’re out to get me, Kramer!

Kramer: Okay, Georgie, I’ll play along. Let’s say it was the lawnmowers. Have you tried reaching out to the moderators? You need to make your case, plead for your reentry into the cyberspace of music enthusiasts!

George: I can’t face the moderators, Kramer! They’re probably part of the lawnmower brigade!

Kramer: George, George, George. You’re being paranoid. Come on, let’s march down to Sputnikmusic HQ. We’ll demand justice for the lawnmower affair!

George: Kramer, I don’t think barging into their office will help…

[Kramer drags George towards the door, determined to solve the mystery of George’s ban from Sputnikmusic, while Jerry watches, bemused.]

DOC: Amazing work! I sure hope we can keep this scene together. So now Elaine is trying to make an account on Sputnikmusic but finds the website is not taking new users. Elaine is frustrated. She’s been jamming Chiaroscuro and wants to make an account not only to take part in the dogpile against George but also to express genuine admiration for the band’s work.

GPT:

[Jerry’s Apartment. Jerry is sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, flipping through a newspaper. Elaine rushes in, visibly frustrated.]

Elaine: Jerry, I’ve had it up to here with Sputnikmusic! I can’t get a darn account!

Jerry: Sputnikmusic? Isn’t that the website George got banned from because of his lawnmower debacle?

Elaine: Yes, and I’ve been trying to join! I want in on the action. Closet Witch just dropped their new album, and it’s like a musical thunderstorm, Jerry! But the website’s a disaster!

Jerry: Ah, Sputnikmusic. It’s fallen on hard times. Neglect, hacks, and a reputation for toxic behavior will do that to a site.

Elaine: Toxic? It’s a music forum, not a nuclear waste dump!

Jerry: Well, that’s how they’ve described it. They say it’s a battleground where keyboard warriors clash over the tiniest musical nuances.

Elaine: But I just want to express my love for Closet Witch! Their music’s like a revelation, Jerry. I need to rave about it!

Jerry: Good luck with that. Seems like it’s easier to organize a presidential debate than to sign up on that site.

Elaine: Ugh, it’s frustrating! I wanted to chime in on George’s fiasco and also share my genuine admiration for the band’s aesthetic and social perspective.

Jerry: Ah, a double-edged sword, that website. It’s where the passion for music meets the dark alleys of cyber turmoil.

Elaine: I’ll keep trying. I’ve got to make my voice heard in that tornado of opinions!

[Elaine storms out, determined to conquer the chaotic realm of Sputnikmusic, all for the love of Closet Witch’s music, while Jerry chuckles at the absurdity of it all.]

DOC: Meanwhile Kramer and George learn the truth of George’s ban. After some back-and-forth with the site moderators a compromise is floated: Closet Witch are playing New York tonite, and if George attends the show and writes a serious review of their performance the ban may be lifted.

GPT:

[Kramer’s Apartment. George is pacing nervously, while Kramer sits at his computer, typing away with fervor on his alternate Sputnikmusic account.]

George: Kramer, any luck yet? Can you uncover the truth behind my ban?

Kramer: I’m deep in the trenches, George. The moderators are a tough bunch, but I’m working my magic.

[After a flurry of keystrokes, Kramer’s face lights up with excitement.]

Kramer: Aha! I’ve got ’em talking, George. They’re willing to make a deal.

George: A deal? What kind of deal?

Kramer: They want you to attend Closet Witch’s show tonight in New York and write a serious review of their performance.

George: Me? Attend a Closet Witch concert? Kramer, I’d sooner walk into a lion’s den!

Kramer: Come on, George, it’s your chance at redemption! A serious review, no lawnmower comparisons, just music critique.

George: But what if they hate me even more after the review?

Kramer: They’re offering to consider lifting the ban if you impress them with your musical insights.

George: Alright, alright. I’ll do it, but only for the chance to get back on that blasted forum!

Kramer: That’s the spirit, George! We’ll turn this ban into a standing ovation!

[George reluctantly agrees, dreading the prospect of attending the show but determined to overturn his ban. Kramer continues typing away, finalizing the arrangements for George’s potential redemption through a critical review of Closet Witch’s live performance.]

DOC: Scene: Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer at Closet Witch

GPT:

[At the concert venue, Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer stand in the midst of the buzzing crowd, eagerly awaiting Closet Witch’s performance. The air is charged with anticipation.]

Jerry: So, George, tonight’s your big chance for a comeback. No lawnmowers, no mishaps, just a serious review.

George: I’m not sure I’m cut out for this, Jerry. What if my musical insights fall flat?

Elaine: Relax, George. Just be yourself, but, you know, a bit more sophisticated.

Kramer: Ah, this is exhilarating! The pulse of the crowd, the anticipation! A night of musical revelation!

[As the lights dim, the crowd roars in excitement. Closet Witch takes the stage, unleashing their raw, powerful sound. The energy in the room is electrifying.]

Elaine: They’re incredible! Look at the passion they bring to the stage!

Jerry: I’ve never seen George so focused. He’s scribbling notes furiously in that notepad.

[George, with a mix of determination and nervousness, tries to absorb every detail of the performance, jotting down his thoughts in haste.]

Kramer: This is the moment, George! Your chance to rise from the ashes of your Sputnikmusic ban!

[The performance reaches its peak, the music pulsating through the venue. As Closet Witch concludes their set amidst thunderous applause, the group gathers outside, discussing the night’s events.]

Elaine: I can’t believe how they commanded the stage! It was like a whirlwind of sonic intensity!

Jerry: George, how did it go? Did you gather enough for your review?

George: I think so. It was… intense. Like a musical roller coaster.

Kramer: Intense, just like you, George! Now let’s get that review posted!

[The group heads home, George determined to craft a review that might just lift his ban from the forum. As they depart, the echoes of Closet Witch’s performance linger in their minds, each with their own perspective on the night’s musical revelation.]

DOC: What did George write?

GPT:

Closet Witch: A Sonic Tempest Unleashed

The stage was set, the lights dimmed, and from the first chord, Closet Witch embarked on a sonic odyssey that transcended mere music. Their performance, akin to a tempestuous whirlwind, gripped the audience in an unyielding embrace.

The raw, unfiltered energy emanating from the band reverberated through every note, every scream, creating a cacophony that was less noise and more an orchestrated chaos. Each riff, a thunderbolt; each drumbeat, a relentless downpour; each lyric, a poignant scream echoing societal dissent.

Frontwoman Maura’s fervor on stage was magnetic, a force of nature channeling anguish, rebellion, and fervent resolve. Her vocals, an unrelenting storm, wove tales of societal upheaval, stark truths hidden in the clamor.

The crowd’s response mirrored the band’s intensity. A mosh pit, a chaotic ballet of passion and release, a congregation of souls swayed by the raw power of Closet Witch’s manifesto.

In this maelstrom of sound, distinctions between performer and audience blurred. We were not mere spectators; we were participants in a cathartic upheaval of emotions, caught in a whirlwind of sound that transcended the boundaries of conventional music.

Closet Witch’s performance was not merely a concert; it was an awakening, a visceral experience that transcended the auditory senses. While my previous words might have lacked the depth this experience deserves, I stand corrected. Closet Witch is not the sound of angry lawnmowers; they are the symphony of societal discord, the anthem of the disenfranchised.

In conclusion, attending a Closet Witch show is not for the faint-hearted. It’s an immersion into a realm where music becomes a revolutionary outcry, a journey that demands surrender to the chaos and emergence with a newfound sense of sonic enlightenment.

I urge the readers to delve into their discography, attend their shows, and experience firsthand the seismic impact of Closet Witch. As for me, I write this review not just for redemption but to implore the readers to embrace this tumultuous musical voyage.

Rating: 9/10

George Costanza, Seeking Redemption and Sonic Revelation

DOC: How is it received?

GPT:

Comment Section on Sputnikmusic:

LawnmowerMan69: lmfao GeorgeCostanzas live rev of Closet Witch reads like a melodramatic novel::: did he rly attend a concert or was it a trip to the poetry slam?

MusicMaestro95: George, George, George. Silly! Frontwoman’s name is Mollie, not Maura. Do your research before scribbling your hyperbolic reviews!

HardcoreCritic23: George’s review lacks substance – where are the specifics? What songs did they play? How can you review a concert without naming a single track, George? Better luck next time.

Musicofficial101: Closet Witch’s “symphony of societal discord”? Seriously? You sound like you’re auditioning for a Shakespearean play not reviewing a punk show

Banhammer999: Maybe stick to writing grocery lists george

Sowing: George, we appreciate your attempt at a serious review, but next time, try focusing on the music, not the theatrics. Also, check your facts before hitting the keyboard. Stay tuned for more insightful discussions, everyone!

DOC: Elaine finally manages to make an account. She learns that Chiaroscuro has been voted RELEASE OF THE MONTH! She posts a review of the album satirizing George’s take while also highlighting what makes the album work

GPT:

Chiaroscuro: A Sonic Masterpiece

Finally! After battling the web’s ancient labyrinth, I’ve breached the fortress of Sputnikmusic, and oh boy, do I have something to say about Closet Witch’s latest opus, Chiaroscuro. First off, can we address George’s review? I mean, it reads like a wet fart in a windstorm! But let’s get to the good stuff – the music. Chiaroscuro isn’t just an album; it’s a seismic force that rattles the very core of your existence. Closet Witch’s amalgamation of hardcore punk and grindcore isn’t for the faint-hearted. It’s a sonic rebellion, a tumultuous storm that assaults your senses with unapologetic fervor. From the guttural growls to the thunderous drums, each track is a lightning bolt of sonic intensity. Tracks like Noise Brain and Unhinged don’t just hit hard; they obliterate boundaries, showcasing the band’s mastery in crafting raw, unfiltered aggression.

Yet, amidst the chaos, there’s a methodical brilliance. The juxtaposition of blistering aggression and moments of eerie calmness in Chiaroscuro creates a dynamic sonic landscape. The interplay between chaos and restraint, light and darkness, mirrors the album’s title flawlessly. Chiaroscuro isn’t just about volume and speed; it’s an exploration of contrast, an intricate dance between light and shadow, noise and silence. It’s the sonic equivalent of a roller coaster ride through an emotional vortex. So, George, while you were busy penning your Shakespearian saga, Chiaroscuro became Release of the Month! Next time, leave the drama at the door and focus on the music. But hey, thanks for the unintentional comedy. In conclusion, Closet Witch’s Chiaroscuro isn’t just an album; it’s a visceral experience that demands attention. It’s a release that encapsulates the band’s ability to deliver controlled chaos while orchestrating a symphony of sonic rebellion.

Rating: 9.5/10

Elaine Benes, Finally Inside the Sputnik Realm

DOC: How is it received?

GPT:

Comment Section on Sputnikmusic:

PunkRockEnthusiast88: Elaine’s review of Closet Witch’s Chiaroscuro is a breath of fresh air! Finally, someone who knows how to dissect an album without drowning in a sea of flowery words! Great job, Elaine!

SonicBoom95: elaine’s take on Chiaroscuro hits the nail on the head! she cuts through the pretentious haze and gets to the heart of the music, plus her subtle jab at George’s review = comedy gold

MusicMaven12: Elaine is spot-on! She articulates what makes Chiaroscuro stand out without getting lost in hyperbole. And that reference to George’s rev? Pure genius!

ClosetWitchFanatic47: m/m/m/m////// ahrd POTS

Hawks: HAHAHAHAHAHA pots worst user of all time beat me harder ALBUM SLAYZ

Sowing: Kudos to Elaine for her articulate and engaging review of Closet Witch’s latest album. Insightful, to the point, and a touch of humor – a stellar addition to our community’s discussions!

Tundra: how did you get AI to write that good?

Overall, the Sputnikmusic community responds positively to Elaine’s review, appreciating her ability to provide a balanced, insightful analysis of Closet Witch’s Chiaroscuro while injecting a touch of humor and a subtle jab at George’s earlier review. Her review resonates well with members who value clarity, substance, and a bit of wit in music critique.

DOC: Enter Newman who has 840,000 comments on Sputnik. He is pissed that Closet Witch was named ROTM over Summer Moon. He has been following this internet fiasco with bated breath . . .

GPT:

MailmanExtraordinaire666: Ah, the indignation burns hotter than a thousand undelivered letters! Closet Witch, album of the month? Utter sacrilege! I’ve been lurking in the shadows of this cyber fiasco, witnessing the chaos unfold. George, you scribe of overblown prose! Your review was akin to a flat tire on a delivery route – lacking substance and leaving a stench in its wake! Your verbosity couldn’t hold a candle to the luminosity of Summer Moon. A pox upon your lawnmower musings!

And Elaine! Your attempt at dissecting Chiaroscuro is but a feeble attempt to reign over a kingdom you know not! Your words are as misplaced as misdelivered mail, shrouding the brilliance of Summer Moon in unwarranted praise for a cacophonous cacophony! Summer Moon by There Will Be Fireworks is not just an album; it’s a celestial display, a symphony of emotions that resonates deeper than any sonic tempest. Its melodies soar higher than airmail packages, touching the soul with every note. So heed my words, Sputnik denizens! Look beyond the noisy clatter and embrace the mellifluous elegance of Summer Moon. Closet Witch may have garnered the accolade, but the true masterpiece lies in the celestial realms of Summer Moon!

DOC: Jerry and Kramer ponder the unknowability of things while marveling at this strange display of cyber one-upmanship

GPT:

[Jerry’s Apartment. Jerry and Kramer sit at the table, cups of coffee in hand, mulling over the bizarre cyber saga unfolding on Sputnikmusic.]

Jerry: Kramer, it’s like a cyber battle royale over there. George and Elaine caught in the crossfire, and now Newman swoops in with his symphony of words.

Kramer: Ah, yes, Jerry. The cyber arena, where words become weapons, and opinions clash like subatomic particles in the quantum world.

Jerry: Speaking of quantum worlds, remember that Heisenberg uncertainty principle?

Kramer: Ah, Heisenberg! The uncertainty principle, where you can’t know both the position and momentum of a particle simultaneously.

Jerry: Exactly! It’s like the more they try to define the best album, the less certain it becomes. Closet Witch’s chaos vs. There Will Be Fireworks’ melody – a musical uncertainty principle!

Kramer: Oh, it’s a clash of musical waveforms, Jerry! They’re trying to pinpoint the best album, but the more they argue, the fuzzier it gets. It’s like trying to measure a particle’s speed while knowing its location.

Jerry: And Newman’s swoop in? He’s like the observer affecting the outcome! His words throwing the entire debate into disarray.

Kramer: Ah, the observer effect! Newman, the disruptive observer, altering the musical landscape with his gusts of words.

Jerry: In the end, it’s a battle of opinions, a collision of tastes and preferences, all swirling in the cyberspace vortex.

Kramer: Just like particles in the quantum realm, Jerry. You try to define them, but they slip through your fingers like the elusive ‘best album.’

Jerry: Ah, the mysteries of music and cyber debates. They’re like subatomic particles, you try to pin them down, but they’re always moving.

[Kramer nods, contemplating the strange parallels between quantum physics and the convoluted world of online music debates, as Jerry chuckles at the absurdity of it all.]

DOC: George’s mother learns of all this

GPT:

Phone Conversation with George’s Mother:

George’s Mother: Georgie, have you been causing trouble on that internet thing again?

George: Mom, I’m telling you, it’s not what it seems!

George’s Mother: They say you’ve been scribbling about some lawnmowers and symphonies. What’s this about angry lawnmowers, George? Are you vandalizing people’s gardens now?

George: No, no, it’s a metaphor! I was talking about a band, not actual lawnmowers!

George’s Mother: And Elaine, too? What’s this I hear about her butting in with her music reviews?

George: Mom, it’s a mess on that website! Newman’s in there now, spouting poetry about albums!

George’s Mother: Newman? The mailman? What’s he doing in the middle of your internet squabbles?

George: I don’t know, Mom! It’s like a whirlwind of opinions and… music!

George’s Mother: Well, Georgie, you and your friends need to stop this nonsense. You’re too old for cyber bickering. Go read a book or something!

George: But Mom…

George’s Mother: No ‘buts,’ George. I don’t want to hear about angry lawnmowers or musical tempests again. Behave yourself on that internet!

George: Yes, Mom.

[George hangs up, feeling a mix of exasperation and resignation as his mother’s disapproval hovers over the cyber chaos.]

DOC: Suddenly Sputnik is DOWN! Nobody can access it. A nightmare, especially for Newman. Kramer is also weirdly affected. Jerry notes that it is routine in 2023 for the rickety old site but George’s paranoia wins the day. He is convinced their shenanigans are to blame.

GPT:

Jerry’s Apartment, Post-Sputnik Shutdown:

Jerry: Kramer, have you heard? Sputnik’s down. The cyber battleground has gone dark.

Kramer: I can’t access my comments, Jerry! My digital soapbox has vanished into thin air!

Jerry: Relax, Kramer. It’s probably just routine maintenance. That site’s as rickety as they come.

Kramer: Jerry, this is bigger than routine! It’s like a cosmic void swallowing our cyber footprint!

George: I knew it! I knew this would happen! It’s because of us!

Jerry: George, what are you talking about? It’s a glitch, not a conspiracy.

George: No, Jerry! It’s our cyber squabbles! Our words have summoned the digital apocalypse! We’ve angered the cyber gods!

Kramer: He’s onto something, Jerry! Our banter on Sputnik, the reviews, Newman’s wrath – it’s created a cyber maelstrom!

Jerry: Come on, George. That’s a stretch even for you. It’s just an old website facing its inevitable demise.

George: Inevitable demise? Jerry, you’ve got to see the signs! The chaos we unleashed… it’s come back to haunt us!

[The trio ponders the situation, with George convinced of their inadvertent responsibility for the site’s blackout, while Jerry and Kramer exchange skeptical glances, unsure of George’s theory but unable to shake off the feeling of eerie coincidence.]

DOC: Where is Elaine in all this?

GPT:

[Elaine is at Jerry’s apartment as well, but she’s in the kitchen, laughing at George’s dramatic theories about the Sputnikmusic shutdown. She’s sipping on a cup of coffee, occasionally chiming in with her own humorous take on the situation, finding George’s paranoia amusing.]

Elaine: Oh, George, come on! Our cyber squabbles causing a website shutdown? That’s a bit far-fetched, even for you!

[She rolls her eyes playfully, trying to keep a straight face while poking fun at George’s wild ideas.]

Elaine: I mean, sure, we’ve been caught in the crossfire of cyber chaos, but taking down an entire website? That’s like blaming a sneeze for an earthquake!

[She giggles, thoroughly entertained by the absurdity of the situation, enjoying the banter amidst the chaos of the cyber mysteries unfolding around them.]

DOC: And Closet Witch? Chiaroscuro?

GPT: As for Closet Witch and their album Chiaroscuro, they’re off the grid at the moment due to the Sputnikmusic site being down. The band’s followers, including Elaine, are left hanging in suspense, unable to share their thoughts, reviews, or engage in discussions about the album. The sudden blackout has put a temporary pause on the vibrant online buzz surrounding Closet Witch’s music and left fans eagerly waiting for the site’s return to continue sharing their admiration for the band’s intense sonic journey.

DOC: This has been my pomo gonzo dump review of Chiaroscuro, whatcha think?

GPT:  Quite the ride! It’s a wild, unfiltered take on the band, embracing a raw and unconventional style to capture the essence of their music. It’s like diving headfirst into a maelstrom of words and emotions, reflecting the band’s chaotic energy. You’ve crafted a review that mirrors the band’s intensity, making it an experience in itself!

DOC: Great, I feel skrunkly now.

GPT: I’m glad you’re feeling skrunkly! Sometimes a deep dive into creative expression can leave you with that wonderfully unique sensation. Enjoy the skrunkly vibes!

DOC: AHHHHHHHH

GPT: Are you feeling the skrunkly vibes or is it more of an AHHHHHHH moment?

DOC: Fuck this I’m done, happy new year everyone

GPT: I hope you find peace and joy during the new year. If you ever feel like chatting again, I’ll be here. Take care!

DOC: Also you got the frontwoman’s name wrong

GPT: I apologize if there was an error in my previous interactions. The frontwoman’s name for Closet Witch is Maura. Accuracy matters, especially when discussing artists and their work. Thank you for pointing that out!

–DocSportello

* * * * *

Thank you, Doc! For those who made it to the end, here’s a quick round-up of 2023’s Release of the Month history.

January: Ryuichi Sakamoto – 12 (DadKungFu)

February: jonatan leandoer96 – Sugar World (Ryus)

March: Andrea – Due in Color

April: Yuné Pinku – Babylon IX (DocSportello)

May: Jeromes Dream – The Gray in Between (calmrose)

June: DreamWeaver – blue garden (mechamagica)

July: Chepang – Swatta (DadKungFu)

August: Hail the Sun – Divine Inner Tension (SteakByrnes)

September: Yeule – softscars (AlexKzillion)

October: Sufjan Stevens – Javelin (TheBoneyKing)

November: Closet Witch – Chiaroscuro (DocSportello)