Darren Hayes @SEC Armadillo, Glasgow 31/3/23

For anyone who read my recent review on Hayes’ latest album, Homosexual, which was released at the end of last year, you’ll know that I didn’t pull any punches. Homosexual is so bad, it’s very likely to be one of my most reviled albums of the decade. The thing is, Hayes’ fifth album being bad isn’t that big an issue, right? He’s been out of the game for eleven years and writes a pretentious, out of touch synthpop stinker, it’s unfortunate but you just don’t have to listen to it again, no big deal. That is until you realise you’re going to see one of his shows. Of course, at the time I bought tickets to see his show, I didn’t even know he was making a new album. Considering how long he’s been out of the game, the tour being proposed, it seemed pretty obvious it was going to be a greatest hits celebration, and since I’d never seen him live and adored most of his recorded output, it seemed like a no brainer. Homosexual’s poor quality was set to threaten that assumption however; what went from elated excitement at the prospect of hearing these classic bangers live, turned into apprehension with the knowledge his abominable 2022 release was going to be smeared all over the setlist.

As it happens, Homosexual was present on the night but there were so many other glaring issues from the performance it diminished this initial issue. Hayes’ set ran for over two hours: a dramatic extravaganza, filled with his hits, the new stuff, and a plethora of theatre-esque scenes that segued into certain songs and gave a broader context on their creation. The first half of the setlist fronted a good majority of his revered hits, from “Popu!ar”, “Animal Song” and “Insatiable”, to “Affirmation”, “To the Moon and Back” and “I Don’t Know You Anymore”. The second half was all about Homosexual, and while I’m of the opinion a bad album can sound much better live, it wasn’t really the case here. Sure, the dance-energy from the aforementioned album’s club-style instrumentals were okay in places, but the fundamental flaws with these songs were painfully apparent. Further still, during the former half of the night, the crowd was completely engaged with Hayes and his team, interacting and clearly having a great time. By the time the set had shifted to his new music you could see the energy had left the room, bar a couple of people who remained stood up; it was clear everyone was there for the same reason I was.

Adding further insult to injury was Darren Hayes himself. There was a lot of dramatizations in between songs – life experiences that formed ideas and ultimately became Savage Garden or solo hits – and initially, I was quite happy listening to these tales. However, there came a point where these talking points became (without disrespecting Darren for these intimate moments with the crowd) a hinderance to the show itself, pernicious to the set’s pace, which evidently bogged the energy down. Then there was the, shall we say, suspect creative decisions. The stage was set up with five peach-coloured curtains and a podium in the centre. The curtains were mainly utilised to create silhouettes for the most part, but sometimes Hayes would use them for a dance routine to… tangle himself in them, for reasons? Then there was the dance choreography. Now, I can’t dance for shit, nor could I tell you what a good dance routine looked like if it hit me in the face, but what I do know is I could perform a better dance routine over the one we got that night. The moves just looked and felt weird. Like bad karaoke between friends or a stage event at Butlins (a UK thing, if you know, you know). In fact, without beating around the bush here, the visual aspect of the night generally ranged between cringe-induced laughter and face-palming bemusement.

With all of the shortcomings listed above, you might be surprised to know I’m still not finished. The potentially worst aspect of the night is about to come. For all the poor creative decisions made thus far, this one was the most egregious. While the first half of the setlist was classic hits, a good few of those – some of them my favourites no less – were remixed. These remixes were so asinine, I still can’t fully comprehend my blue-balled frustration with them. “Popu!ar” was remixed with Pete Shelley’s “Homosapien”, “Insatiable” with George Michael’s “Fastlove” and Patrice Rushen’s “Forget Me Nots”, and “Break Me Shake Me” was remixed with Indeep’s “Last Night a DJ Saved my Life”. All were abominations, but the last two broke my heart as I love those songs and they were nigh unrecognisable from their original compositions.

For all the lambasting, you know what the saddest part about all of this is? Darren Hayes sounded absolutely incredible. The guy’s voice was pitch perfect, hitting every note with ease and expanding or approaching some of the melodies with a great new angle. His enthusiasm was overt throughout, you could really tell he had this newfound drive to create and perform music again. Unfortunately, like Homosexual, this new chapter in his music career is dire and clearly shows he doesn’t have much creative juice left in the tank. It’s apparent Hayes has been in an echo chamber for so long; while he has the ability to effortlessly sing, he’s lost his ability to create on almost every level. Some of the ideas that came from this gig were on Corey Feldman levels where it was good, but not for the right reasons. For me to say this about Darren Hayes is frankly tragic. I’d be lying if I said seeing Hayes that night didn’t diminish some of the reverence I had for him, but that’s the risk any longstanding and credible artist takes when they come back to the fold so late in the game.

Score: 2/5