Hello and welcome back to our ongoing sexification of current (and past) Staff by way of deep-diving casual-reading interview razzle, Sputnik’s very own Meet the Spartans. Allow your jaw to drop as impossible questions are posed and the Staffers you never acknowledged surpass your wildest expectations.
Today’s willing participant hates writing reviews but has written 256 of them. Please welcome Sputnik Music’s three-time Emeritus-awarded writer, Xenophanes — in we go!
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Good day, Xenophanes. Who are you and what is your story?
Hello! I’m a 32 year old guy living in the Midwest. I’m a mid-level corporate hack by day and artist by night.
I started lurking around Sputnik around 2008. A girl I was interested in had a Dir En Grey tattoo (red flag emoji) so through research I found my way here.
Flash forward to now and I have a husband and hate Dir En Grey.
You share your username with an ancient Greek philosopher – what about the original Xenophanes inspired you so?
I was sitting in a classics class circa 2009 and whatever my original original name was wasn’t jiving with me any longer. I think I remember digging his views on religion which seems so cring-y and basic to me now but oh well.
I read your username as xe-no-thanes as in Skyrim and the OG as xe-no-phan-ees as in ancient Greek. Is this okay?
No, but only because I saw you pre-filled the next question with [Cool!] assuming I’d say “yes.”
(Fuck) [Cool!] Now, you retired to the Emeritus villa last year; what inspired this decision, and how has the Emeritus life matched up to your expectations?
I think this is my third time being Emeritus? To me it’s the ideal state—I get to review if and when I feel like while also participating in AOTY stuff. Aside from the extra decimals (4.2 vs 4.0) I don’t really notice any difference between Em and Staff.

What inspired it?
Honestly, I haven’t liked to review music since…maybe ever? I did it obsessively in early-mid college because I was probably depressed, lonely, bored, desperately in the closet or a combination. Looking back I don’t know if that one-review-a-day period was reflective of a positive time in my life so much as it was an aggressive distraction.
Anyway, I realized I didn’t enjoy reviewing music and frankly don’t think I’m that great at it. So, I’ll throw a review out when I feel like I have something to say. However, I don’t think I’d ever do this again “full time.”
What has been the most noteworthy happening on Sputnik since you stepped down?
Uh…I don’t know actually? This site hasn’t changed much since I joined let alone stepped down. I guess the shit we get from weird pop fan-bases and that user who is a pedophile is pretty noteworthy?
You’ve been here since forever. Can you give us a snapshot on how the following have changed over time?
- Staff tastepool
Diversified? I’d say there’s a surprising lack of consensus with the AOTY lists between staff members. Also, the general staff pool brings more metal to the table than ever before.
- Userbase tastepool
I’m not really sure since I don’t hang around the review site. I don’t even think Ive left a comment in a few years. However, the last couple of user AOTY lists have been the best I’ve ever seen. Lots of diverse choices ranging from mainstream pop, hip-hop, metal etc. It’s been really neat to see how joyful and exciting the user base tends to skew with music (Roisin Murphy on last year’s list—so cool!) I definitely feel like the general taste pool has become more open-minded. When I joined In 2009, you’d never dream of a top 40 album trending here so it’s been cool to see.
- Userbase toxicity
Again, I don’t really hang around the review site. What I do see seems pretty ugly but I can’t speak to trends. As a site we have a zero tolerance policy to hateful speech, so the mods do their best.
- Sexism, homophobia and the other ones
Honestly, people who have been here a long time love to talk about how Sput used to be much better back in “20XY” and they refer to this shit as the reason why. But honestly, when you get a bunch of anonymous young men on the internet you’re going to deal with these things because they come from insecurity and the need to shock/impress other people. Sputnik isn’t unique now, or ever.
Anyway, the point I’m lazily making is that Sputnik probably hasn’t changed that much in this regard or the “toxic” regard—but you have. Hanging around this environment was a lot more tolerable when I was 20, but something about seeing a 17 year old talk about Taylor Swift’s ass while calling another user a “faggot” became much harder to stomach over the years.
As an aside, I’d say as a metal fan, the “separate the art from the artist” crowd has gotten much louder over the years. It’s interesting to see what people choose to defend and get passionate over in the metal community.
- Staff review quality
Sorry guys but I don’t really read reviews here!!! However, staff quality went up exponentially when I went emeritus (haha). I tend to read Dewinged and Wines reviews when I do. The former is a great dude with great metal taste and the latter interests me in Olympus.
- Staff reviewing style (in general)
Sorry, I don’t know
- Anything else
I absolutely love to shit on this site but truth be told I met a lot of cool people here, discovered a lot of cool music, and wasted a ton of time. I don’t think I’d change anything, so thanks y’all.
Who of the old guard Staff do you miss most and least?
Adam Downer.
Story corner: tell us about the origins, ups, and downs of Mezz Crew.
I think it started in a Massive Attack thread and became a FB group? Pretty sure I joined at the start and stayed there until I inevitably left Facebook five years ago.
I loved Mezz very much. I was fortunate to meet and become friends with so many funny and smart individuals. Deleting my FB account was a super easy decision but leaving Mezz stung a bit. I hope they’ve all found the love and happiness they all deserve, even Eric.
To what degree is being a good writer equivalent to the ability to indulge reader patience?
Studies show adult attention spans have decreased by a lot in the last couple of decades. I don’t know if “most adults” have much patience anymore. I’m not sure that spending a paragraph belaboring the history of tech-death when most readers just want to know if the new Archspire “slaps” is the way to go. I’d be curious to see analytics on which reviews hold the most attention (I.e. Do people see a long review and leave? Do they read the entirety of short reviews?)
That doesn’t mean there isn’t room for artistry in music reviewing or that all reviews should be short because people are dumber!
I’m actually not sure what I’m trying to say here. But I think in terms of what we do here, I think indulging patience is really important.
What are the respectively greatest and most terrible movies you’ve seen recently?
Hmmm…I watched a film called Titane the other day that’s really stuck with me. Lamb was good and so was a horror film called The Night House.
I saw a scary movie called Malignant recently which I would say is once of the worst I’ve ever viewed. Also, Halloween Kills was very bad.
(I’m coming off Halloween which accounts for all the horror films)
You once said that you never saw the point in the Contributor tier and would prefer to abolish it entirely. What’s your basis for this, and how would you pitch it to our current Contributor roster?
[feel free to delete this q if you’re not a fan of it getting an abrupt public airing]
[Xeno: are you kidding? I love public airing.]
It’s all based on my feeling that you get only a few good years out of a site reviewer before they stop/burn out/etc. I see the Contrib tag as an arbitrary state for good reviewers to languish. Due to the nature of “yearly promotions,” a good reviewer could spend a year or more as a user, and then a year or more as a Contrib before ultimately becoming staff. By then they’ve spent years doing unpaid labor to do the same thing but with a different label (also unpaid but with free promos and concert tickets!) By then they’re almost done with Sputnik (this is based solely on my observations) and you’ve only managed to get a short period of time with them as staff. For example, I started reviewing in 2009, became Contrib and Staff in 2012, then went Emeritus (the first time) in 2013/14. I’d say after 10+ years of reviewing, this site got a little over a year of peak activity from me as staff.
Ideally, you’d recognize great reviewers early and put them front and center at their prime rather than “wait and see” for some made-up time frame.
Also, wtf is a Contributor? I don’t know if it’s really defined anywhere or what they’re expected to do? I was a Contrib for like four months so maybe I simply wasn’t a very good one. Maybe make them responsible for the news or something idk.
My research for this interview uncovered that we have four 5s in common: Choirs of the Eye, Feedbacker, Pale Horses and Vespertine. That’s more than I have with anyone else on current Staff (I lie! awkwardly enough, same as Talons), and so, to avert a hex and satiate my ego, you must now rank these albums with explanations!
- Choirs
Super important album for me—I discovered it shortly after joining and it helped me move away from the really bad prog I was listening to lol. “Wayfarer” is one of the most pivotal songs I’ve ever heard and played a small part in shaping my interests now.
- Vespertine
Björk was an early obsession of mine and Vespertine is everything I love about her. It’s the de facto “winter” album for me. My car got stuck in a snowstorm and I jammed this while waiting for help/death.
- Feedbacker
I recently revisited Boris and found that I love them even more. I even have a bearded dragon named after them.
Feedbacker is an album for all occasions—at once joyous and revelatory while at others desolate and unsettling. I don’t listen to it often but it’s always an experience when I do.
- Pale Horses
I’m not a big mwY fan by any means, but this is a perfect album with incredible songs, every one of them. I know that’s a generic statement, but each piece of Pale Horses is just so damn good. I’ll always belt the ending of “Mexican War Streets” and vibe with the title track. I love this album very much but not in an “emotionally connected” sort of way.
If you made an art film, what would it deal with and how would you expect an audience to react to it?
I’d want to make a funny documentary like Christopher Guest (but real).
One-liners on the following, please:
Nardwuar
Who?
Rosamund Pike
I liked her in “Pride and Prejudice” and “Gone Girl.” Also what a nice first name. I think she’s in a new show too.
Kill La Kill
Who?
“Sally II”
Hop Along is a great love of mine and a band I’ve seen live more than any other. This song is one I don’t listen to or think about often.
silentpotato
I’ve always had a soft spot for potstickers [autocorrect but let’s leave it]. We went through a weird period where we both thought we hated each other but for the most part I’ve always dug him. I read in a thread he died but idk if that was a joke or metaphor. I hope it’s not true!
The American nuclear family
I’ve literally never experienced it. I grew up in an rural, impoverished single parent household lol.
Trey Spruance
Who?
Lil Nas X
Indifferent, but he’s shining a light on existing homophobia in different communities (specifically hip-hop) so I think his career and existence is ultimately a really positive force.
Courtney Love
I like Hole.
Olivia Rodrigo
Who?
Anything else you’d like to add?
Nah. I missed a meeting because of this so I hope someone reads it :/
Thank you for your time!
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lmao
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make joe emeritus
12.04.21
but come on, Malignant was hardly trying to be anything other than a good time, and I thought it was
12.04.21
Lots of love Phero, it might have well been YOUR effect.
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Feel enlightened after learning to pronounce your name
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good lad, cheers
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as a former contrib that DID burn out, I... kinda agree, though admittedly i was only that role for a year or so. Some more fluidity on when you see a good reviewer (i was not) come up would definitely be cool rather than an interstitital 'maybe' stage, though the system is probably entrenched enough now that it's unlikely to budge.
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This one was really cool to do, glad yall are enjoying :]
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This is the best one so far. Xeno seems like a cool dude
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Flash forward to now and I have a husband and hate Dir En Grey."
LMAO that's so fucking good bro
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what?
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Depends on who you're asking! Or is a nosedive something good in your book? In that case it still depends on who you're asking.
Ok now I'm all confused 😵
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“Honestly, people who have been here a long time love to talk about how Sput used to be much better back in “20XY” and they refer to this shit as the reason why.“
very much so agree with this point. I’ve been guilty of doing the “good ol days” bullshit but I frequently come across comments I made when I was like 18 and want to vaporize myself.
the only real difference between now and then is the users I knew and liked. the kind of comments that used to be tolerated were, whew boy, not anything to be nostalgia about lmao.
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hahaha he’s not lying. maybe one day I’ll tell that story. Jom remembers.
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kinda yeah
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I mean, if we're keeping score...
https://www.sputnikmusic.com/blog/2016/08/18/user-spotlight-1-gameofmetal/
I like this new series a lot better though.
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The real question is, is it zee-no-, or is it ksen-no-
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very much so agree with this point. I’ve been guilty of doing the “good ol days†bullshit but I frequently come across comments I made when I was like 18 and want to vaporize myself.
the only real difference between now and then is the users I knew and liked. the kind of comments that used to be tolerated were, whew boy, not anything to be nostalgia about lmao."
nah, the difference between then and now is the staff's taste now is absolute dog shit. you know this bro.
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shame he is no longer with us RIP
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