Hello and welcome back to our ongoing sexification of Staff past and present and hopefully present-and-future by way of deep-diving casual-reading power-lifting interview posi-sharking, Sputnik’s very own Meet the Spartans. Steel yourself as impossible questions are posed and the Staffers you wish you’d had the courage or attention span to acknowledge surpass your wildest expectations.

Today’s hot bod in the hot seat is a dreamer of dreams, an upside-down-er of opportunities, a cipher of ciphers, an animal for unexpected hype, and an unmasker of hidden faces in places you never knew faces were to be found. He has facets also. Please give it up for: Winesburgohio! 

Who the hell are you?

I feel like this should clear things up. Otherwise! Eyes: Poo-brown. Hair: Balding remains of once leonine and voluptuous locks :O. Sex: if you insist! etc.

How did you originally arrive on this website, and what convinced you to stick around?

O.K. bear with me: I must have stumbled on this website in my teen years – surely one couldn’t have loved Circle Takes the Square and Kayo Dot in the ‘00s and not have cursorily browsed spitnuk at least once – but I was actually put onto it by Zach Savage, a man who I have never met and will never meet. I friended him on facebook because we were the only two people who had the wit to add “allocating resources” to our “likes”; he recommended sput and the rest was history! I’ve formed really strong friendships with some of the beautiful souls on this javanese fishing forum, some of whom I’d consider using the “l” word towards (lascivious lesbians obviously). I hope Zach’s doing well. I love you all, Martha.

You’re very handsome. How did this come to be?

One April, in the early 90s, a man, myth and legend was born, exquisite, already hewn in marble. Had he only been born in Athens! Sculptors and philosophers alike would have played paper scissors rock for an hour of his down-time and kept changing the rules (“I said best of 7, not best of 5”) until someone was run through with a scabbard. His exploits were cast immediately in stone… *farts and a lil bit of blood splatters my over-sized underwear* NANNY? TO THE HOSPITAL. No, my handsomeness is beyond dispute. The foolish and hubristic have attempted to replicate my style and invariably gone mad in the process. They are to be pitied and scorned. I will say that emphasising my many physical flaws comes in handy. Accentuating my baldness w/ a hair style that underscores it has worked wonders! It’s good, not being 19 or 24, but we do exist in a forced state of perpetual adolescence where all should be ageless. I want no part of that shit. Anyway! Suffice it to say: revolting and dangerous bodily fluids trickle down people’s thighs as they exchange pleasantries like “hey i need a dollar more for that coffee” and “could you please leave? You’re agitating the wildlife!” 

Marvellous! Let’s talk about words and writing and reviews: usually, when I read your stuffs, I feel like I’m whirligiging my way through anything from weeks to months of intertwined psychological processes, observations or moods, orbiting a Theme which may or may not be the album at hand.

You have a lot of thoughts and feelings and words, and you’re maybe the only writer on this site who’s any good at consistently self-involving themselves without throttling the Vibe. So, um, here are my questions about your words:

1. How much do you (dis)agree with the above?

I think that’s really astute and also very kind. I remember I was at a writer’s soiree back when I was invited to such things and the topic of how people wanted their work to be described came up. Most went for things like “beguiling” or “brilliant” and that’s fine but I opted for “thoughtful” and that’s been my raison d’etre since. To be thoughtful and considered within the parameters of “one take” creates something that’s unabashedly me, and thus unabashedly handsome. I appreciate that I can gaze at the ol’ navel a bit but I hope that other people find something they can latch onto or that there’s a sort of universalism I can tap into. I’ve been told I ask a lot but I think when you look at the bill it’ll come to less than you expect. That said, sometimes when I feel my competence is under review a certain fastidiousness is induced. That’s never as much fun tho.

2. Is writing mainly a way to figure shit out, or to draw on shit priorly figured out?

I love these questions! I’m gonna have them with beetroot chutney on toast! The process of writing coalesces my thoughts but generally I have their rough outline well-sketched… I generally go for a walk before I write and have a couple of cigarettes and think so hard about something I strain my bowels and then I just fling it onto a nearby canvas. It is always interesting seeing the… amalgam? Convergence, maybe, of my thoughts in a very unforgiving  medium.

3. What kind of albums tend to make you want to review?

It’s a crap-shoot. If they’re on when I hit the bullseye. Blindfolded!

4. Which piece has been the most difficult to write, and which has made you the proudest?

Pfff. Most difficult was Dale Kerrigan only because I went in knowing I was squandering what little goodwill I had on the Otepoti Music Circuit. The whole thing is pretty gatekept as it is, but the rite of passage of being appraised outside an intended audience can be tough for the artists involved. You’re wresting away a presumably v.  personal album and ruthlessly recontextualising and reinterpreting it. I knew that but I did it anyway because that is what Must Be Done. Idk if that was the proper thing to do, but if you’re conversant in noise bitch so i must’ve done something right.

It’s an obvious choice, but I’m absolutely most proud of Ana Hato because it interweaved not just music criticism but sociology, history and journalism in a way that really challenged me and accordingly really rewarded me. I’m really happy with it! May she live on unto eternity

5. You once said that it would be both inappropriate and impossible to listen to Matana Roberts’ COIN COIN Chapter Four at the same time as playing a video game. I remember reading this from my phone screen while listening to the album for the first time on my laptop while binging Monster Hunter: World. If you were an omnipotent god, how would you punish this?

Well obviously phone and prostate stimulation privileges are hereby REVOKED. A sound thrashing will be administered, while I play a Rupi Kaur audiobook 4 u through Beats headphones at 120 decibels. 

6. Give me one piece of writing advice that you consider universally applicable, and one that would be dangerous in the wrong hands.

Can i give u 2 / u2?

1) listen attentively, but not just to music. There’s a bit in The Pale King where a dude listens so hard to some boring shit that he starts levitating and that should b u! Listen to the deranged people on buses, your grandparents, your partner, even when you want to tune out. The more you have to filter the better.

2) Always ask yourself “what else”? O.K. so you’ve written a review and you think it’s really good – what else can you say? What else is there to parse? There’s always something and the more you know – even if it ends up discarded – will make your analysis more rigorous and indeed better. 

For some select writers I would posit that u should write like it’s your first time writing. Let it capture that ineffable energy, ambition, promise. There’s something about first novels that just crackle with energy even through flaws. After that a kind of caution sets in. If you’re good, you should always feel ok about throwing that caution to the wind.

You posted an entertaining comment about a Russian bootleg copy of Daydream Nation in your possession that I forgot to reply to. Let’s take care of that: how did it fall into your hands and what is your speculation as to previous owners?

Also, was there an image file for this, or am I making that up? Can you throw it in if so; shit was p cool?

Lmfao omg i found it in a second hand record place in Melbourne, I think? It was just out of the CBD, had an owl logo? I’ve never managed to find the store again! Absolutely Russian spies questioning their loyalty to the kremlin, disillusioned; Daydream Nation was the final straw. They soon defected and absconded to the heady streets of New York. Some say they’re still there, shouting the lyrics to Silver Rocket slavically at the airport.

Moreover!: I got u

Is “Rain King”, godlike noiz banger that it is, really an adequate stand-in closer?

I mean it’s always been one of my faves on Daydream Nation, and it works in the “always leave them wanting more” sense. The problem is that the “more” the listener is wanting is, in fact, Trilogy. Rain King doesn’t have the same “conclusive” feel. Still a rippa tho.

If Sput Staff worked in a real-life physical office, what’s your vision of it?

lmao I just kinda imagine in lieu of a physical office there’d be a supermarket we all go to and we can let the “I met Flying Lotus” copypasta variations write themselves. Rowan always attributes his misbehaviour to the “[REDACTED FOR TASTE]”. I don’t think that’s a recognised medical condition. I would certainly kissy-wissy him under the mistletoe at the xmas party, however,

An anonymous colleague [Rowan] once said that you and I were the only Staffers he’d known to have conspicuously pissed Jom off – a remark that has since caused me no small amount of regret. What is your relationship with authority, and how does this apply to Sputnik?

Oh no! I’m sorry Jom! I feel awful! Yeah my relationship w/ authority used to be actively hostile or skirting on the edges of what was appropriate – in my salaried job I showed up on the second day in a Sonic Youth t-shirt and said “sorry i’m late maaaaaaaate line for coffee was neverending!!” and got a stern talking-to. I never really took it to heart. I think more broadly that I seem to always push the boundaries as far as they can go and even if I get rebuked for crossing the line, it can be unpleasant… but it just confirms the parameters of what I can get away with, often absolute murder and occasionally double homicide. It’s like that with all forms of authority really – even doctors, nurses, psychiatrists or w/e. In terms of Power power if it functions as a role of maintaining a neoliberal status quo I reserve the right to question authority and be brutal doing it. I’m a chronically unemployable benefit-recipient so I feel it’s part of my civic duty to be a bit of a shit. That said: I’ve grown up. There’s nothing cool or funny about irking lovely + tireless ppl like Jom. I feel terrible and I hope my conduct has improved.

On a lighter note, what are you reading these days?

I just concluded “Concluding” by Henry Green which was great – the way his prose is stylised to be as simple, lissom as possible with occasional absolutely dazzling lyrical excursions is v. unique and thoroughly absorbing. I’m now tackling the 4th Proust volume – it’s most commonly known as “Sodom and Gomorrah” but my compilation has it as “Cities of the Plain” – because I want to grow up it in the same way I grew up with, like, A Series of Unfortunate Events. If you think me pretentious that’s fine but do not err and ascribe this to the “proof” pile – it’s gatekept as some kind of rarefied literacy test concocted in a greenhouse and aged in a sherry barrel for 25 years which completely belies how breezy and accessible it is. And man! I’m finally getting to the Gay Shit and dude was unbelievably horny. Hilarious that he describes “homosexuality, as it is ineptly called” (per the book) completely lovingly and is like “not for me of course! But still! What a delicious bottom!” I mean put it this way: the first installment, Swann’s Way, has a lesbian S/M scene in front of a portrait of the woman’s late father. I had to check that I wasn’t misreading it. It’s fuckin saucy bro

UPD8: THE LARGESSE OF THE SEA MAIDEN. READ IT PLS.

Of the places you’ve never been, where do you most want to travel? Why?

Funny you should mention! I “””have to””” go to Dublin next year for a lil sumn sumn and after that, finances pending, I’m going to travel around Scandinavia and make it to Reykjavik. I’ve wanted to go to Iceland since I was a kid. Seeing snow was always a rare treat that I loved, and I still maintain that snow induces a kind of magic aura around everything, and that the best kisses are ones interrupted by snow droplets. I associated Iceland with constant snow and dreamed of going. I’ll also be accompanied by a friend who I really want to catch up with, even if she lives in the wretched “””country””” of Finland, and yes I would like to stop by Havey’s. I’ll ply him with aquavit and let LOOSE on his rym while he snores it off. His favourite film is actually Monster’s University! He will not tell you this.

What do you listen to when you need to be reminded that Things are probably going to turn out better than they seem right now (Challenge Round – no Laughing Stock)?

Hmm I have this great cassette, “El Hazmereir”, that does the trick!!!! U should listen to it! 

Guhhhhh The Dismemberment Plan’s “Change” is providing a protective salve as I reach my 30s, my friends becoming uxorious, parents or partners at the firm. An entirely vulgar display of ambition each. But like all medicines tolerance may increase over time. I find the Gero’s Hell Driver really comforting when I feel lonely. World of Echo and Benji really move me and put the ephemerality of joy and loss alike in perspective in beautiful, beguiling ways. Sea of Shit’s 10” asks me hard questions and Medium Rude answers them in my absence. …or i just load up the last scene of It’s Such a Beautiful Day. We shed on the march and we shed a lot but we accumulate things too and the best we can hope for is to break even with dignity.. I’m in a place where the memories and photographs make me happy that all these weird and wonderful and fucked things happened and they happened to me. I like living my quiet anonymous life now, but that stability comes with a foundation of experiences that I’ve built myself on i guess. It’s nice!

Bed/bethrothe/behead: Havey・Jots・Milo

Bed them all at once, bethrothe them all at once then behead them all at once, then bed the — wait. Wait. WAIT

Pithy reactions to the following, if you please:

BTS

BDS?

BiS

BRis?

Bo Burnham – Inside

Two sugarcubes of acid in a cuppa and a LOT of tattoo licking; concomitant jentacular eggs

Ed Wood

Guhhhhah

Ed Wood

Guhhhhhhawagaaa

Kim Petras

Go grrl!

Oxbow

Oxbow OF when????

Pynchon

Alligators in the sewer; the copy of Gravity’s Rainbow I flushed visible in the distance

Which way to the beach?

MATE I was introduced to Canoe Beach fairly early on and it is the best beach for taking a dip au naturale; secluded w/ pristine waters. Only accessible in low-tide – u go thru a hidden, deambulatory natural archway at Doctor’s Point. I dare u to “pics or it didn’t happen” me. I WILL send you nudes,

Final thoughts?

This thing that we do, appraising albums and offering dazzlement, deference, disapprobation or disdain as the case may merit, is heaps of fun and everyone is quite right to do it. At the same time my personal inclination is that undertaking a review needs to go beyond that particular judgement and treat it almost as an artefact of a particular sociology, whakapapa, context. Rendezvous with it, if you feel so bold, on whatever echelon, or whatever circle of hell, you feel inclined to meet it. There’s no right or wrong way but that’s – v. broadly – mine? Also I’m so fucking constipated and I feel a bit of a tug so I’m going to try my luck. *extremely Carly Rae voice* bowel problems / who’s got them? / I’ve got them too. …I’m also very handsome. 

Thank ye, Mr. Ohio!