In case you’ve been sleeping (or ignoring those trending Facebook items like a good, red-blooded whatever nationality you are), rock god, virtuoso, musical authority, and in no way, shape or form, a mere cunning businessman who played rock ‘n’ roll to the tune of inflating his bank account, Gene Simmons (not to be confused with fitness guru Richard Simmons) declared rock music dead in an interview with Esquire magazine. While Ace Frehly (official doctor of rock medicine) declined to provide a time of death, he did pander a bit about his recent solo album. Which is more than Mr. Simmons can do. Meanwhile, Simmons, in his coroner’s report, officially declared that lack of funding was the ultimate cause of death.

According to Simmons’ reports, it would seem that none of the many rock and metal bands rising up through the modern day miracle of free, online publicity and simplicity of self-recording/releasing made an impact in attempting to revive the presently deceased genre. In fact, said modern realities were glossed over in acknowledging that rock died because “no one will pay you to do it.” The deceased bands counted in Simmons’ toll number in the tens of thousands, many of which will have to be told to cease touring and producing music due to the recent death of their genre. Many do not expect this news to be easily received and believe that many bands will go through an extended period of denial – a normal stage in the grieving process.

Simmons offered particular advise to guitar players: “If you play guitar, it’s almost impossible. You’re better off not even learning how to play guitar or write songs, and just singing in the shower and auditioning for ‘The X Factor.’ And I’m not slamming ‘The X Factor,’ or pop singers. But where’s the next Bob Dylan? Where’s the next Beatles? Where are the songwriters? Where are the creators?” Recent reports indicate that in accordance with Simmons’ advice, Chris Letchford of Scale the Summit and Tosin Abasi have put down their guitars to go into yodeling together, while Metallica’s James Hetfield and Kirk Hammett have partnered with Dave Mustaine and Chris Broderick of Megadeth to form a barbershop quartet.

At press time, no one has informed Simmons of the presence of online music service Bandcamp or of the iTunes music store or the ability to search either service by genre. However, following Simmons’ statements, the material within the rock genre should disappear on both services within the next few hours as a show of respect for the genre’s passing.

On his own band’s commercial success, Simmons remarked that “when I was coming up, it was not an insurmountable mountain. Once you had a record company on your side, they would fund you, and that also meant when you toured they would give you tour support.” Simmons could not be reached for comment on the thousands of garage bands throughout the US formed at roughly the same time as KISS who were never afforded an opportunity to record or create a record simply due to lack of exposure or obscure geographic location (a problem solved in the modern age – right up until the genre was declared dead).

However, while musicians of the formerly-existent sound of rock ‘n’ roll will now be forced to hang it up, Simmons states that those in pop, rap, and country still have a bright future ahead of them. With the might and wealth of record companies on their side and without the diverted attention of previous fans of rock and its subgenres, such musical varieties will continue to flourish unhindered.

Rest in peace, rock ‘n’ roll – record companies won’t miss funding you. And if you’re not funded, that means no one cares. And if no one cares, your music is meaningless and you should just starting singing in the shower and auditioning for “The X Factor.” But, hey, it wasn’t all bad. We had the ’80s, right?