23.24: p.s. if at any point I came across as a less gay or less Irish alternative to Graham Norton, that wasn’t my intention. I apologise.

23.22: Has all this been worth it? Has it fuck. Next year I’m going and getting stoned. Goodnight!

23.21: And Azerbaijan win by a mile. Decent song to be honest.

23.14: As suspected, 12 from Ireland to the singers who looked the most like Jedward.

23.13: 6 for the UK from Ireland. Take that!

23.12: Oh fuck off Mooney.

23.08: Despite a spirited bolt from Italy, Azerbaijan are walking it.

23.03: Fucked over by the French again. The hand of Henry was at work in this.

22.59: Fuck this.

22.56: No points exchanged between Turkey and Greece. Grudge.

22.50: Got my lipstick on, here I come, da da da…

22.47: Sweden!

22.46: Haha they gave 12 to Lithuania. It’s a badly-kept secret that Polish people listen to shit music, usually out of their cars.

22.45: Only one from Poland. We give you jobs and this is the thanks we get? OVER.

22.44: Yes Denmark, YES!

22.43: I’ve always loved the UK.

22.42: Seriously UK… if you don’t give Jedward 12 we are OVER.

22.41: Sweden? Really?

22.37: Seems the eastern European states aren’t huge Jedward fans. We should never have let them join.

22.25: Why is Stefan Raab… I mean just why is he even?

22.24: I think the lines are still open. I don’t know. You might still have time to vote for Jedward.

22.13: The lines are closed! I think. Did anyone vote?

22.12: Turns out the Romanian singer was from England. Explains why their song was shit and not Moldova-level awesomeness.

22.01: Lena also getting a big reaction, but it’s more of a “we know that was shit but she’s ours” kind of cheer.

21.58: Big pop from the crowd there for Jedward. Love you John and Edward!!

21.56: Well that’s the end of that. Now the only part anyone cares about: the voting.

21.55: Mike Shinoda’s verse really adds something to this one.

21.54: Georgia appears to have come dressed for a laser tag battle. Competitive.

21.52: That’s actually pretty good if you don’t have epilepsy.

21.49: Serbia. Dusty Springfield? Never let be said that white, pink and orange don’t go together in concentric circle patterns.

21.47: My prediction of dozens of Evanescence songs hasn’t come off. I guess they all got eliminated in the semis.

21.44: Some Polish bloke said hello to me on the walk back from the offie. Eurovision truly does bring Europeans closer together.

21.43: Lol Spain, just give up.

21.36: Oh, Iceland. This is a touching story. Watch it.

21.35: I need a drink. This may account for a break in updates.

21.33: Kelly Clarkson has rebounded well from those two car crashes she was in. Her records, not actual car crashes.

21.31: Slovenia. Which one is that again?

21.28: This is a properly-arranged, well-written, genuinely good pop song. THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT FROM MY EUROVISION.

21.27: Azerbaijan are always good for a laugh.

21.24: Alright this is shit so I’ll take a moment out: what are your favourites so far? General impressions?

Seems to be a bad year so far – a lot of earnest, boring songs, but very little that’s either memorable or batshit insane.

21.23: Did she just begin with the opening line of the song from the Bodyguard? Blatant, Austria. Blatant.

21.22: Jesus Christ, bring France back. Anything but this.

21.21: “I can’t change the world at all.” Lazy, lacking in ambition, stupid trousers. Next.

21.20: Romania is basically a big Moldova so this should be awesome.

21.17: Did she forget to pack a song this year? Dusseldorf letting out a clear “we can’t afford this next year!” call to Europe.

21.16: Lena was great as Tony’s sister in Skins too. Versatile performer.

21.15: Germany up next with defending winner and bona fide CUTIE Lena.

21.14: This is the greatest thing ever.

21.13: Whip it!

21.12: Oh look! Unicycle earhorn conehead girls – a fairly regular occurrence at Eurovision, sadly.

21.11: What this contest really needs is a load of Moldavian coneheads doing two-tone ska. Fat chance.

21.09: Let’s take a moment to forget about this monstrosity and reflect on JEDWARD.

21.08: “I Can.” Good to see the boys trying to convince themselves they can do better than this. Never gonna happen though.

21.07: Yes, it’s Blue! The UK have found a whole new way to finish in the bottom 5.

21.04: I always knew the Swiss were ukelele fanciers.

20.59: The Italian Harry Conick Jr. has got something about him.

20.58: It’s not as if giving up would be completely outside of the national character. Just sayin’.

20.57: Look, you pulled off ‘La Marseillaise’ somehow. Just admit you got lucky and give up.

20.56: Dear France, please decline your invitation next year. Love, Dave.

20.55: That is a beautiful sunset, though, it has to be said. Which is just as well because the music is shit.

20.54: Remember what I said about France being shit at music? Warned you.

20.53: France. They’re shit at music. Next.

20.51: Rick Astley? Nah too easy.

20.50: Trying to put my finger on Russia. Not Bros. Not New Kids on the Block. Take That?

20.49: In Soviet Russia, Eurovision shits on you.

20.47: Xabi Alonso is a great addition to the Greek side to be fair.

20.46: This is a more accurate representation of New York City. Gangster.

20.45: Never fear, the Greeks are here to be reckless and more physically attractive than you.

20.44: No seriously, everything about this is shit. The first true disaster of the night, to be fair.

20.43: No expense spared on Manhattan’s skyline.

20.41: Estonia – culturally closer to Finland than the other Baltic states. So expect more sex pest eyes.

20.39: I will be popular, I will be popular, something something GLEE.

20.38: Swedes – immediately identifiable anywhere in the world by their fusion of eyeliner, ’80s rock and Max Martin.

20.37: There is something oddly graceful about how uncoordinated their methodically coordinated dancing is. Even the high 5s miss.

I <3 YOU JOHN AND EDWARD

20.36: In case you were wondering… Jedward confirmed this week that they like girls.

20.35: Look at them move… like a pair of demented sparrows.

20.34: Ahhhhh Jedward!!

20.32: She’s missed roughly 90% of her high notes. Which means she has a 90% chance of winning the thing. Luckily Jedward are next…

20.29: Hungary next… and the montage is of a food market. You have to hand it to them: incredible use of homonyms.

20.28: I think the best thing I can say about Lithuania is that this is better than their football team have ever done.

20.27: I have a feeling this won’t be the first Evanescence-inspired act of the night. Premonition.

20.25: Did he just kiss the mic? Hope somebody wipes it off.

20.23: At this rate there’ll be at least 8 acts with Jedward hair before the end of the night.

20.22: These guys are like a harder rocking version of My Chemical Romance.

20.21: Denmark now. “A Friend in London.” Don’t fuck with these guys: they’ve toured Canada.

20.20: This is epic. Just give this guy the gong now. “You’re mo!” or whatever he’s singing. Today, we’re all mo.

20.17: Bosnia & Herzegovina now. Breaking down that whole “every eastern European band has an old guy and sounds like Gogol Bordello” stereotype. About time.

20.13: Finland up first. James Blunt’s cousin has date sex pest eyes. Halp.

20.10 GMT: Oh God, it’s starting. Why did I decide to do this? Does this anyone care? Refresh the page for updates.