JohnnyoftheWell
The high-quality upholstery is like a knife in my back
Staff

Reviews 360
Soundoffs 76
News Articles 102
Band Edits + Tags 1,249
Album Edits 639

Album Ratings 4253
Objectivity 75%

Last Active 01-01-70 12:00 am
Joined 01-01-70

Review Comments 59,474

 Lists
02.16.24 G L I T C H genre tag02.01.24 FEBRUARY of ambi2ent (REC me)
01.01.24 well_2023: "YES" albums (2/2) 12.31.23 well_2023: "NO" albums (1/2)
12.27.23 (be)rate my LP 'collection'12.03.23 2023 BNM: cringedex
12.01.23 New users :: REVIEWED 11.28.23 Your 5s choices reviewed AGAIN
11.15.23 learn from my WORST REVIEWS 11.13.23 Tory stooge music
11.10.23 Feed me 2023 things11.04.23 4000 Ratings // Top 100 albums*
11.02.23 NO AVATAR CLUB10.20.23 SPUT ROYALE: f i n a l e
10.15.23 SPUT ROYALE: FINAL10.10.23 SPUT ROYALE: Round 6 (½ final)
10.06.23 SPUT ROYALE: Round 5 (¼ final)10.03.23 OCTOBER of d o w n t e m p o // ぼreak
More »

New users :: REVIEWED

Sputnik is famously DYING, it is no longer possible to register new accounts, and with one button press Sowing has single-handedly transformed this from a vast net positive to a universal negative. Tis the season of cope, and my cope strategy right now is the round up as many users as I can find who have either registered or come out of the woodwork within the last year or so and appreciate the fact of their existence (and often other things besides). This is potentially Sputnik's final ever generation etcetc so be grateful maybe. Will be following thru with a Which New User Are You personality quiz shortly.
1Utsu-P
UNIQUE


AnimalForce1
https://www.sputnikmusic.com/user/AnimalForce1

While they've technically been on the site since 1970/2020/some time in between, this has most defs been the year AnimalForce1 has knuckle down and done a Sputnik

COMMUNITY SERVICE: Somewhat fringe but nonetheless notable presence in discussions, earnest addition to any thread from what I've seen. Good shit, post more!

TASTE CRIMES: aplenty! Standard Sput butt-era metalcore taste, which is either redeemed or complemented (depending on your standpoint) by an active interested in J-/K-Pop and vocaloid music. Foundation might be a stale template, but they're doing at least refreshing things with that ratings chart.

CONTENT PROVIDED: At the rate of approx one solid-quality review per month, AnimalForce1 is steadily putting half the Contributor roster to shame. Good shit.

RATING: GOOD USER
2Counterparts
A Eulogy for Those Still Here


bellovddd
https://www.sputnikmusic.com/user/bellovddd

If the primary metric for this appraisal were whether or not I was surprised by how the user in question's recency of join date, bellovddd would be coasting lol. And yet and yet and yet January 2023? Aight then:

COMMUNITY SERVICE: Feel like he's been part of both the Sput mxcore crowd and casual convo community for much longer. Good vibes, many comments, big discussion, lfg. Greatest character flaw by far is the degree to which he enables pizzamachine - get that shit under control

TASTE CRIMES: "favorite bands Counterparts, Polaris, END, The Smith Street Band," uh yeah if 4000 ratings haven't been enough to turn things around, we might have a lost cause here

CONTENT PROVIDED: jfc how do you already have 36 reviews calm down boi

RATING: GOOD USER
3John Frusciante
Niandra LaDes and Usually Just a T-Shirt


bighubbabuddha
https://www.sputnikmusic.com/profile.php?memberid=1297949

Known to most as that bundle of wet farts that just appeared in their shoutbox, buddhuhahaba now feels like an inescapable part of Sputnik. Is this a blessing or are we doomed? I am still tbqh undecided, but buddhauser has at the very least made the most decadent pockets of the site feel that much more alive

COMMUNITY SERVICE: Reasonable, if infrequent thread participation, but hubbadubba mainly shines behind semi-closed doors. He knows y'all are peeping

TASTE CRIMES: Relatively inoffensive and eager to learn!

CONTENT PROVIDED: 5 semi-interesting ranking lists and no revs? Raise your game boi

RATING: GOOD USER
4Grant MacDonald
Ram Ranch


brendanissnaz
https://www.sputnikmusic.com/user/brendanissnaz

Perhaps better known as the loose cannon whose been bombarding us with Sputcore ranking lists for the past month, and... and... and? has a 2017 join date but almost no other record of involvement since then outside of their ratings chart? Intriguing.

COMMUNITY SERVICE: 12 comments in 6 years is quite frankly something I aspire to

TASTE CRIMES: Yup, that's a sputnikmusic ratings list. Can't see the wood for the trees here - nothing concerning though

CONTENT PROVIDED: lol do fugazi next

RATING: ...SHOW ME WHAT YOU'VE GOT?
5Shiner
Lula Divinia


constantchange
https://www.sputnikmusic.com/user/constantchange

I'm definitely stretching this a little, as constantchange has a 2022 join date and I remember their posts more from that year than this one, but

COMMUNITY SERVICE: Posi vibes only! No holds barred stanning of atmospheric skronk bands great and small! Prolific bumper of a handful of chosen threads! Noise gremlin of the good guitar! Awesome

TASTE CRIMES: Greatest and most terrible contribution to the site has been dramatically enabling Mort.'s diabolical Vote Shiner! campaign and all neighbouring acts

CONTENT PROVIDED: Lol c'mon give us at least another list please

RATING: GOOD USER
6Fear Factory
Demanufacture


cycosynner
https://www.sputnikmusic.com/user/cycosynner

Feel like I know this user more from their lists and the occasional comment than anything else, and ngl it's a struggle to form a clear impression of them, but they've definitely put in a fair shift since signing up

COMMUNITY SERVICE: You are there (to be continued?)

TASTE CRIMES: A little Coldplay simping does not a nu-metal die-hard redeem

CONTENT PROVIDED: Solid handful of reviews and a decent, often interactive set of lists - nice

RATING: GOOD USER IN THE MAKING! Keep doing what you're doing
7A Tribe Called Quest
The Low End Theory


FowlKrietzsche
https://www.sputnikmusic.com/user/FowlKrietzsche

I'm... not sure exactly how I found you? I think it had something to do with an off-site hypothesis that literally all users with bird usernames or account themes are absolute garbage (there is a *strong* case), but that doesn't explain how I got to your almost year-old account? LOVE a bit of mystery in a new user!

COMMUNITY SERVICE: Post more!!!

TASTE CRIMES: Nothing to antagonise here - solid online music fan set of 5s with next to no Sputcore bias and some genuinely great picks. Oh wait, a Tool 5? Uh, get, uh, fucked, I guess? Heritage 1 is also a bad look - don't you dare tell me that shit belongs in the same bracket as Jackpot Juicer -_-

CONTENT PROVIDED: Ohhhhh that's how I found you - that recent Blackwater Park review! That was a good read - loved how thorough your analysis was and how well your clear familiarity and affection for the band translated into unflinching criticism. You've got a good style, definitely a few kinks to work out and a little streamlining to do, but that will come naturally in time. More of this please, keep writing!

RATING: datapool is too narrow to declare a GOOD USER quite yet, but rest assured you're almost certainly the BEST BIRD USER
8Limp Bizkit
Significant Other


FrozenFirebug
https://www.sputnikmusic.com/user/FrozenFirebug

Technically not a new user, as 1) 2014 join date, and 2) in my headcanon he has essentially been filling the greasy, sweaty seat CrimsonCanine or whoever the fuck left after he got banned and so has been around since whenever, but all his actual content dates from 2023 and so yes whatever byebye woodwork, here we go

COMMUNITY SERVICE: infrequent bursts of trolling that would be a lot funnier if they weren't also transparently self-deprecating shittake he actually believes. Not much else to speak of

TASTE CRIMES: too many to mention

CONTENT PROVIDED: 14 mostly lame shitpost lists in a decade of site membership makes me question whether his 0 reviews are actually a hidden blessing.

RATING: learn to effortpost, you dork-ass post-ironic coward
9AC/DC
Let There Be Rock


iHaveSex
https://www.sputnikmusic.com/user/iHaveSex

Hahaha I do remember reading comments from this user, but can't recall anything good or bad about them beyond that username.

COMMUNITY SERVICE: "I didn’t join this site to be ridiculed I’m leaving" is the only appropriate response to a pizzamachine comment; do this again 100 times and you'll be my favourite.

TASTE CRIMES: You are boomer. Are you innocent? Do you have sex

CONTENT PROVIDED: Handful of lists that each generated modest engagement. Room for more, but okay nice nice

RATING: good GOOF USER. Yet to transcend the username, but defs a strong opening move
10Deep Purple
Deep Purple In Rock


Gavierra
https://www.sputnikmusic.com/user/Gavierra

Mixed feelings on this one: unlike most other users on this list, my impression of Gavierra ultimately comes down to a couple of defining moments that have since shaped my read on their comments (which are generally terse and strictly neutral in tone). Imminent Klatschspalte:

COMMUNITY SERVICE: Only user on this list I've ever seen get bent badly out of shape, and by Hawks at that. While the subsequent discourse was hilarious to watch, it was also an unflattering mask-slip that still hangs heavy over this account

TASTE CRIMES: One of the crustiest ratings charts I have seen a loooong while; one of my most reliable metrics for any given taste profile is how comfortable the user in question is relating to the sound of guitar strings vs. the sound or (ambitious) content of female voices, and this bombs to a frankly hysterical degree on that front. On the plus side, it has made me question whether holding The Mantle as a peak of folk music is about on par with holding Infected Mushroom as a peak of electronic, and I plan on using this bit aggressively and widely

CONTENT PROVIDED: Just been a few months, but all we have to show for it is a handful of lists that range in quality from a redundant Opeth ranking to a nerd discourse list with 300+ comments.

RATING: YOU CAN BE FIXED?
11Evanescence
Fallen


Malen
https://www.sputnikmusic.com/user/Malen

So, I had no idea who this user is either, but...

COMMUNITY SERVICE: thus far, n/a

TASTE CRIMES: Gothic metal, but this clearly stems from an active level personal engagement - good stuff

CONTENT PROVIDED: 24 reviews, with a May 2023 join date at that? Nice peppy style and impressive rate (especially since I see that you also write for Antichrist). Dunno what this site did to draw you in, but glad you made it in!

RATING: UNDERAPPRECIATED SITE ASSET
12VeggieTales
A Queen, A King, And a Very Blueberry


Minortimbo12
https://www.sputnikmusic.com/user/Minortimbo12

Timbo's bland of sardonic tsundere cope and absolutely heartbreaking innocence is one of *the* things to happen to Sputnik in the last (*checks notes*) year and a half. I originally forgot to feature him here as I didn't consider him "new", but don't you date confuse that with having adjusted to him

COMMUNITY SERVICE: Timbo posting sessins come as periodic hurricanes: you may miss them in the interim windows, but you will absolutely never be ready for the next

TASTE CRIMES: uh, spotify algorithm shills probably love you almost as much as your church does?

CONTENT PROVIDED: Timbo has most certainly reviewed a few albums

RATING: simultaneously the BEST and WORST user on the entire site
13Unsane
Visqueen


MoM
https://www.sputnikmusic.com/user/MoM

y'all know exactly who I'm talking about here it is MoM is MoM new? i think MoM is new???

COMMUNITY SERVICE: 5,895 comments? Will take any and all recs and have something to say about them? Will loudly and extensively challenge any nefarious punk trash to a fair and honourable duel? Was a lurker (iirc?) but now is MoM? Lfg?

TASTE CRIMES: Having an unintelligibly long 5s chart for one jfc

CONTENT PROVIDED: With regard to music, at least, MoM is firmly a lover not a fighter. No reviews here

RATING: OEDIPUS COMPLEX/10
14Basic Channel
Lyot Rmx


myri14
https://www.sputnikmusic.com/user/myri14

One-user proof that we're finally entering a decent timeline for Sput electronic. Lfg!

COMMUNITY SERVICE: Modest handful of (good) comments + much appreciated off-site presence. Post more!

TASTE CRIMES: Killer taste in techno and glitch, and no slouch on weirdo rock music either.

CONTENT PROVIDED: Couple of review and handful of (good) lists - solid start

RATING: GOOD USER
15Boris
Pink


SomeCallMeTim
https://www.sputnikmusic.com/user/SomeCallMeTim

Not to be confused with Minortimbo12, SomeCallMeTim is in the same boat as MoM and belovddd - I don't see this trio as new faces at all and have interacted with them easily enough to feel quite awkward writing about them here. Nonetheless...

COMMUNITY SERVICE: Lotta comments lotta takes lotta casual conversationing, you love to see it. Great addition to the crew.

TASTE CRIMES: Tim has solid taste shut up

CONTENT PROVIDED: No revs yet, but a decent handful of lists to cement his presence

RATING: GOOD USER
16The Tallest Man on Earth
The Wild Hunt


strayk
https://www.sputnikmusic.com/user/strayk

strayk thus far is a comment-only deal and has a distinctive voice that you'll either remember having come across or, uh, you'll get therre! Gains points for a memorable username, but loses them all because SteakByrnes got that market cornered y'all

COMMUNITY SERVICE: Full marks for engaging in earnest and civilised discourse - even if much of this has come from oddly defensive standpoints or are overtly stan-blinded

TASTE CRIMES: [unedited copypaste:]

5.0 classic
The Tallest Man on Earth Shallow Grave
The Tallest Man on Earth The Wild Hunt
The Tallest Man on Earth Sometimes The Blues Is Just A Passing Bird
4.5 superb
The Replacements Let It Be
4.0 excellent

CONTENT PROVIDED: n/a

RATING: HANG IN THERE?
17Don Caballero
Don Caballero II


stupidpuma89
https://www.sputnikmusic.com/user/stupidpuma89

Banger username and good vibes from (I think) our most recent addition here? Maybe the last user to ever join Sputnik? Is this a bad thing? Discuss

COMMUNITY SERVICE: Wow fewer comments than I remembered - post more!

TASTE CRIMES: Zilch, v cool ratings chart. I see ambient, I see bangers, I see good electronic picks nice nice

CONTENT PROVIDED: Two good revs, two good lists - more please!

RATING: GOOD USER
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