JohnnyoftheWell
ok next time mort you can try to review an 80s portuguese prog folk maritime concept album where half the tracks are sea shanties bozo
Staff

Reviews 312
Soundoffs 70
News Articles 97
Band Edits + Tags 743
Album Edits 541

Album Ratings 3451
Objectivity 75%

Last Active 01-01-70 12:00 am
Joined 01-01-70

Review Comments 51,311

 Lists
03.19.23 (free hugs) ♦03.07.23 #1 S.P.U.T. personality test ♦
02.28.23 MARCH of １９６０s (REC me) ♦02.20.23 got catfished by a train #AMA
02.11.23 For Tundra: How To Consume Metalcore01.31.23 FEBRUARY of g l // t c チ (REC ME) ♦
01.25.23 4.2s ranked ♦01.13.23 tag NOISE ♦
01.08.23 JANUARY of a m b i e n ト (REC ME) ♦01.08.23 DISCOGS i will consume 今年
12.30.22 2022_well: YES 1 0 0 % ||ぼest あlbum ♦12.28.22 2022_well: >NO< ||albums|| ♦
12.16.22 JOTW's 5s = REFURBISHXD ♦12.08.22 CRINGE index: BNM 2022 ♦
11.29.22 DON'T TAKE RISKS: destroy now11.06.22 Staff AOTY 2022: BREAKING SPUTNIK ♦
11.02.22 SputRoyale: WINNER 2022 ♦10.31.22 SPUT ROYALE: FINAL ♦
More »

(free hugs)

Hello I am tired and bleached out and weary of disharmony. This will not last -- but! while it does, please comment a *comment* on this list, and I will choose an album that is you in a not-backhanded-way and say something nice about you let's go!
1Radiohead
Amnesiac

DocSportello

Haven't interacted with you as much as I would like, but I remember seeing you around the Cas Convo threads a fair bit - and at those times, your thoughtful, open-hearted contributions always made me feel a little bashful about the quantity of shitposts I was dropping there
2Government
Shitshitshit [japanese death poem]

GhandhiLion

You know too many things and this has not turned you into a bad person
3Judy and Mary
ORANGE SUNSHINE

pizzamachine

You are a chaotic omnivore and possibly the antichrist; your output rate and can-do attitude are confusing and intimidating and will one day kill us all.
4Godcaster
Long Haired Locusts

ArsMoriendi

You are one of the few users on sput whose comments are impossible to not read in an imagined IRL voice, and this is a good thing because they are great amiable grounding earnest stuff. You are not of an agent of chaos and we are all a little healthier for it.
5Three Days Grace
One-X

veninblazer

No-one flogs them horses quite like you; full marks for consistency.
6David Maxim Micic
Bilo 3.0

Tundra

The 12-step journey towards your inevitable emergence as an ubergruff, megaterse Meshuggah die-hard with too many black t-shirts and a ginormous fucking fridge is one of the most unpredictable and engaging Sputnik plotlines currently at play. Also nice 5s.
7Oxbow
The Narcotic Story

Mort.

Mort. is good and sets a standard for sardonic benevolence so steep that I firmly believe he created Pheromone as an accidental side effect while working on his AI engine to revive Wittgenstein's consciousness for the modern era. Also knows how to read and write good English and listen to good albums woa
816 Horsepower
Sackcloth 'n' Ashes

DadKungFu

You are a Cool Dad no shut up this is not fair. Stop writing killer reviews, stop listening to ace jams, stop arming the ever-deadly Voice of Reason with a likeable and diplomatic personality. I cannot deal. Hexed!!!
9Anamanaguchi
Endless Fantasy

kalkwiese

You are incorrigibly good natured and have emanated good vibes throughout practically every single prog and/or core thread I've baited and/or shatposted to near-death. Considerable bonus points for the impressive yet never unwarranted quantity of shitposts you also drop - a model for easygoing funsput
10Coldplay
Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends

Sowing

You are a Wholesome Dad, and (much I will never stop poking fun at this) your ability to refashion such a enduring connection with your musical roots so consistently across so many contemporary releases is I think a vital part of this place's spirit - many of us most live for the grind, but it's rare to see anyone preserve such a fresh-faced (*empties ammo from chamber and kicks it under the oven*) impressionability year after year. tl;dr you actually enjoy listening to music for healthyperson reasons and this is good? It does make it inadvertently adorable when the latest trend pastiches (Black Midi, Btbam, Callous Daoboys etcetc) catch you off-guard, but this is maybe good too! Less database-implanted galaxybrain, more pen-powering heartfulness y e s something something Metropolis quotation.
11Counterparts
Nothing Left to Love

Dedes

You are Dedes you are a strong pos! All-round vibes in every thread, lovely energy, I vote shit yes! You have failed to rate my entire list of 5s, but tbqh so have I (2 left dammit) so this is a personal positive somehow? You are forever fUcKiNG up the dex bros' charm offensive//brute regime and as such I can see you becoming the Poland of Sputnik any year now.
12Xiu Xiu
Oh No

porcupinetheater

porcporcporc Sputnik needs you! You do important things. You have a great avatar and a sense of humour and most of the best words. You find the only kinky country music that exists, and you listen to it - all of it!? You are always on time and occasionally magnificently late. You pulled off the unimpeachable (although technically literally impeached) feat of making it to Contrib, writing the best Contrib review of the year and then doing so much of fuckall else that you got the chop for it - an *valid* inspiration for all the present squad (DadKungFu and fogza have already fucked this up for this year, but anat still has a shot). You have survived most of my worst staff revs. You will survive everything, for you are porc. You gave me the inaugural SputRoyale movie's semifinal scene on a porky platter. Write me a fucking poem you ne'er-do-well pre-Marvel Loki renaissance scoundrel warlock.
13Xanopticon
Liminal Space

Avagantamos

You are an immaterial cyborg force of good and require no hugs whatsoever as such, but I am deploying several anyway. You're one of Sput's most precious post-structural pillars of blips and broken beats; please keep dishing out the spare parts for the rest of us!
14The Kooks
Inside In/Inside Out

Pangea

Pang ur cute NOM i wanna make pizza with you
15Bill Callahan
Shepherd in a Sheepskin Vest

DoofDoof

You are DoofDoof, DoofDoof does not get an introduction but he does get a hug! You are probably the kind of dad unfortunate enough to send his kid to a school full of the most irritating fellow parents on earth, but wily enough to know exactly how get under their skin at the moments that most count without coming off as rude for it. Your offspring will eventually recognise this and love+hug you for it. Your bullshit callouts are 80% accurate and 20% your baseline for sardonic humour simply being outfoxed by an artist wily enough to navigate a lower lowest common denominator (gg 100 gecs). You are a top 3 Sputnik soundoff artist (paypal me to learn the remaining roster). You haven't yet met your nemesis and the fact that you potentially regret this more than you would actually meeting them is very endearing. Go Doof!
16UT
Confidential

Borracho

You are a bit of a mystery at present, but a mean feckin writer and one of the site's best new users definitely. Are you the future? One can but hope. Hope your Summerhall app works out!
17Lucinda Williams
Car Wheels on a Gravel Road

Boney

You are ambient baby I am ambient baby where is OUR BABY you lovely gentlemanly babe let's find some rednecks and start an avant folk label 3-2-1-
18Birds in Row
Gris Klein

Manatea

Lol are you kidding me Manatea is a 10/10 username and you have written an absurd number of reviews in a relatively tiny length of time - you don't need a hug, fuck off and conquer
19The For Carnation
The For Carnation

Icebloom

You are a top tier indiesweater champion and must open a whiskey bar immediately do not ask me why, but I know that only good things could come of this.
20Sweet Trip
Velocity : Design : Comfort

Cygnatti

You are chill and perplexing and thoroughly irreplaceable - you have probably the most confusing taste on this entire site and this is a great thing especially when I'm not sure if it's a good thing. Your posts are always surprising and MEMORABLE!? Help. You are also an important model of how to use rym, big bless
21Kinoteki
Dawn of the Final Hour

Purpl3Spartan

You are zoomer trash and ahve doomed us ALL what the hell heartemoji panicemoji bombemoji wateremoji dolphinemoji stopsignemoji full stop you are one of the best recent(ish) users and unexpectedly joyous blend of Pikazilla's happyeating side and the corecrowd's happylifing side you have been here too long! This must continue!
22Linkin Park
Hybrid Theory

normaloctagon

You are a single shape with multiple facets. You smash a suave 34 y/o's fancy meeting YOU in the club let's go out for dinner immediately taste in music you can dance to together with an insufferable 14 y/o's taste in embarrassing testosterone-disasterzitting guitar music with such unflinching disregard consequences that you somehow demonstrate MATURITY via arbitrary self-assurance and you are at least enough of an adult to have parsed this sentence. More remarkable still from the fact that you somehow make that combo work is the level-headed sagacity you bring to five of every eight conversations and the wry off-hand wit you nail down over the remaining three. This is good and you are real and I am very glad of this.

also im in love with the shape of u.
23Sasquatch
III

insomniac15

You are one of the the most down to earth and underappreciated writers on the staff roster, and I'm forever impressed at how you just keep your head down and get on with it year after year + recency bias because your Kayo Dot live rev was a real treat
24The Beatles
Abbey Road

JKing92

You have staying power and the audacity it presumably takes to bring the same group of five-ish artists into literally every thread on the site gives me strength whenever I need to write anything that probably doesn't categorically need to be written. Fuck the haters etc?
25Falls of Rauros
Patterns in Mythology

Gnocchi

No time for a preamble sorry, here is one large immediate (super) *HUG*
26Bo Burnham
Inside (The Songs)

AsleepInTheBack

You are adorable and probably the cutest drunk on the site (theory pending, come to London immediately) and a good boi both impressionable *and* discerning and also hahaha FUCK I haven't published your Staff Wars yet rofllmao okay goodby
27The Dillinger Escape Plan
Dissociation

mkmusic1995

You are another one of those ultradetermined words(many!)-per-minute(notmany! how long have you been here!!) reviewers kids (1995! a ruse!) contributors punks journos damn you are everywhere! - that is, you (singular) are everywhere doing all the things all at onc- productivity is positivity!!!! We love. With Midnights, you have written one of the most mask-off reviews Sputnik has seen since Aiwaz was still monkeying his keyboard (do not research this reference) and survived it! You are stronger?!
28Rainbow
Rising

Davil667

You are- uh, I'm gonna be real here and confess I have no idea who you are, but I *love* that you showed up on this thread out of nowhere with a large and largely infectious dose of vast positivity?!!! Awesome shit!!!!! Woo rock on (hug)!!!
29The Script
The Script

IsisScript80

*JohnnyoftheWell spits in his palm, moves it swiftly out of sight and retrieves a tightly-rolled wad of twenties from fuck knows where*

*IsisScript80 receives the transfer immediately and the hug is consummated*
30Sabaton
The Art of War

ToSmokMuzyki

You are an enigma. Your journey from the Devil's advocating arsepipe to the rattiest melodeath fan on Sputnik to another of our many shit-dishing hard-balling personalities with buttons that must and must not be pressed has been fascinating and at times horrifying to observe, but I've enjoyed watching my investment grow? You are acerbic but not uninviting is it okay to enjoy hugging you? Fuck!
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