JohnnyoftheWell
\'if you can\'t \"parse\" it maybe try understanding it instead\'
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Last Active 01-01-70 12:00 am
Joined 01-01-70

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03.18.25 i will RATE your PIE CHART ♦03.07.25 Bandcamp Friday
03.06.25 Ichiko Aoba ranked03.02.25 5s reassessment list v.twentytwenty5
02.19.25 SPUTNIK ENDGAME: Hawks x Tundra01.13.25 @cylinder atmo drum and bass list lfg ♦
01.09.25 ask me a question01.01.25 End of 2024 well_Datadump
12.27.24 well_2024: YES (FINISHED) ♦12.26.24 well_2024: NO ♦
12.10.24 2024 BNM: cringe index ♦11.11.24 Openers to *infinitely repeat*
11.02.24 DIG these DIGS ♦10.20.24 Top 47 albums of your time
10.19.24 My 41 albums of all time10.08.24 SPUT ROYALE: FINAL ♦
10.05.24 SPUT ROYALE: Round 610.02.24 SPUT ROYALE: Round 5
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i will RATE your PIE CHART

egarran has taken the lid off the cooking pot and now we are going to uh COOK. put your name down and be graded
1KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE

Grading will be based on the following metric here it is

Aura:
Synergy:
Recommend to a friend?:
Overall:
2Sigur Ros
Takk...

Pangea

17% folk
17% indie rock
14% ambient
14% experimental
12% black metal
11% electronic
11% alternative rock

Aura: Beige sweater comfort music with a few subdued hues of something more striking, aka your adjusted, (majority) angst-free indie sun-happy sadboi 3/5

Synergy: Black metal (even if implied as introspective atmo voyage jams) and electronic (even if implied as the Venn overlap between ambient and indie) are both a little incongruous here, while the experimental tag sticks out like a sore thumb given how seamlessly the rest knits together together as demure softboi jams (the first flagged pie artist is Yndi Halda? okay) 3/5

Recommend to a friend?: There are a ton of people who'd enjoy taking this pie out of their picnic hamper, but do I want to encourage any of them to continue listening to Bon Iver? Hmmm 3/5

Overall: B
3Swans
Filth

tectactoe

Experimental (32%)
Jazz (22%)
Post Punk (13%)
Noise Rock (8%)
Psychedelic (8%)
Indie Rock (7%)
Folk (6%)

Aura: Strong oblique pseud chart, as finely and comprehensively cultivated as a prize goatee secretly intended to protect the owner's chin from the endless stroking motions of their own hand 4/5

Synergy: Very tight synergy between all of the first five items on the list -- it's hard to see where one translucent gas cloud ends and the next begins between them, but you just know that their shared airspace is protected on the conceit that it can't be inhaled by ye great unwashed. Folk is a bit of an oddity, but psych and experimental both give it an in, leaving indie rock as the one true sore thumb (and because this grading is supposed to be a blind assessment of each pie chart, I can't deducted marks for that measly 7% belying the fact that tec's semi-dissociated indie proclivities are still very much the source of 90% of his opinions) 4/5

Recommend to a friend?: There is a lot to be gained from this chart, but something tells me that keeping it to myself may be the best way to keep my friends too 2/5

Grade: A-
4Disharmonic Orchestra
Not to be Undimensional Conscious

brickhed

30% experimental
20% death metal
13% noise rock
9% progressive metal
8% noise
8% math rock
7% progressive rock
5% IDM

Aura: Oh, the joy of small numbers of ratings! This is a splintered hodgepodge of a chart that suggests a taste in all manner of strong things that push and pull in all directions, with an inherent anti-commercial bias and an ear for the overblown as the main uniting factors. Does this translate to strong taste? I'll happily take the confused intrigue of the chart over a firm answer 4.5/5

Synergy: Unlike tec's palpably consistent wavelength, this is the kind of obtuse chart that thrives off its every eclectic contour. I'm more disappointed about things that match than things that don't -- two progressive tags? How dare you! A full 20% for a genre that takes such bullish devotion to homogeneous thrills as death metal? Unacceptable in the wake of that 30% experimental enigma? Unacceptable! Two *noise* tags? Well, uh, tbf the distinction between these two is much wider and we are back to our home ground of sharp edges and baffled listeners. Overall, the twists and turns here thrive off one another 4/5

Recommend to a friend?: This chart is cracked enough that I'd be happy to recommend it for the sake of a social experiment, so yeah go on (results may vary) 3/5

Overall: A
5Minor Threat
Minor Threat

DadKungFu

Folk 22%
Experimental 20%
Classical 16%
Country 13%
Jazz 9%
Punk 9%
Industrial 8%

Aura: The old world is alive and well -- and with every passing day, charts like this convince me that it may in fact be fuller of life than the new world. DKF is a cogent reminder that vintage taste can come with blood in its cheeks and spit behind its teeth just as easily as it can with a big ol achey breaky heart. 4.5/5

Synergy: No glaring dissonances to speak of -- this chart's chief accomplishment is reminding us that refinement should impart an appreciation for earthiness, grit and piss as much as the lofty and detached, and country, folk and jazz make for great equilibria between the two poles of classical and punk/industrial (and I enjoy that the visceral qualities of these two can be read for historical impact as easily as contemporary resonance). However, punk needs an extra percentage point or three for the spectrum to span the right distance. 4/5

Recommend to a friend?: Needs the right audience, but it's one I'd happy to be acquainted with (and not one that I'd fear alienating over petty taste-based disagreements). 4/5

Overall: A+
6Sonic Youth
Evol

jotW (courtesy of DKF)

Experimental 20%
Ambient 15%
Jazz 15%
Post Hardcore 12%
Noise Rock 12%
Indie Rock 11%
Folk 11%

Aura: Caffeinated intellectual, ambient second on the pie chart gives the vibe of appreciation for how light hits buildings and ironically is not chill at all 4/5

Synergy: This would be a mess if they were in any other order, but there you have phxc and noise rock wedged in between jazz and indie, which complements like chocolate and peanut butter. If any of those had been more than one step up or down, this chart would be a mild mess. As is, it's got all the balance of an Alexander Calder mobile. 4.5/5

Recommend to a friend: mild hell no? A little too alienating to be recommendable, too thorny for all but the most self-contained individuals

Overall: A
7Kanye West
The Life of Pablo

Flashmobba

28% alternative rock
23% hiphop
12% electronic
10% jazz
8% progressive rock
8% grunge
7% ambient

Aura: Lol this chart has no aura so to speak, but that doesn't mean it can't vibe. If we went on a date, I would take you to the cinema. No bad vibes, just limited chemistry. 2/5

Synergy: These genres synergise well across as shared wavelength of norminess, and the endearing dorky overtures of 8% prog and 7% ambient (which in this context screams 'movie OSTs' to me, not sure how fair this may be) excuse it from needing any out-and-proud poptimist tags. You are a nerd who likes music rather than a bona fide music nerd, and this chart wears this extremely well. 4.5/5

Recommend to a friend?: I would happily recommend this chart to a friend, partially for their own consumption, but mainly with the ulterior motive of convincing them that my Spotify library looked the same as anyone else's. 4/5

Overall: B+
8Janet Jackson
The Velvet Rope

jrlikestodance

21% Hardcore
20% Hip Hop
12% Metalcore
12% Death Metal
11% Electronic
11% Techno
10% House

Aura: Wuhhhkay here we have our goodtimes shape-throwing easycome nightclub kid and our ratty adolescent moshpit kid in the same package? My kneejerk was to a Jekyll/Hyde framing, but on second thoughts, these are two alternative visions for society-facing escapism that bring out the most affable, extroverted sides of one another - okay! The aura here is a little intense, a little LET'S DANCE/LET'S FIGHT for your classic unassuming pie chart, but it most definitely holds up 3.5/5

Synergy: I may have got ahead of myself in the Aura section and explained exactly why this chart has pretty solid internal synergy regardless of its big internal juxtaposition of archetypes 4/5

Recommend to a friend?: Depends if we're balling or not. If so, sure! 3.5

Rating: B++
9Gorguts
Obscura

NexCeleris

Death Metal (54%)
Progressive Metal (15%)
Black Metal (7%)
Grind (7%)
Doom Metal (6%)
Thrash Metal (4%)
Hardcore (3%)

Aura: Over 50% of this pie chart is one genre and that genre is death metal. Every other genre on this pie chart is a metal genre or adjacent. "Does it have an aura?" -- can I FUCK? Measuring pure magnitude on this one, it'd an obvious 5/5, but factoring in for quality I am going to deduct 2 points for the putrid tomb biohazard this chart realistically poses and then add 1 back on for the suggestions of camp flair, spectacle, drama and showmanship that prog metal, doom and thrash bring to the table as a point of necessity. 4/5

Synergy: It's a full metal pie, you fucking bet it has synergy. Is it the tedious kind? Per the Aura section, I'm deducting points for an overrepresented top genre (can something synergise with itself? Cop-out!) and then adding a few back on for the way the specific cocktail of minority genres emphasise about as much vim and personality as anyone could hope for in this chart. That grind slice goes a long fucking way. 4/5

Recommend to a friend?: you have to be joking lol yeet me into a cavern 1/5

Rating: B+
10Bullet For My Valentine
Bullet for My Valentine

arthropod

22% metalcore
20% alternative rock
18% metal
13% nu metal
8% heavy metal
8% hard rock
7% rock

Aura: lynx africa on full fucking blast baby 2/5

Synergy: 70s/80s heavy metal 90s/00s nu metal and alt rock 10s/20s mxc yep every generation of buttcore is perfectly represented here the trajectory is faultless 5/5

Recommend to a friend?: Just reading this chart gives me premonitions of people telling me to check Staind or Hinder, so that's a hard pass 1/5

Rating: C
11After the Burial
Dig Deep

mkmusic1995

Metalcore 26%
Progressive Metal 13%
Alternative Rock 13%
Folk 12%
Pop 11%
Rock 10%
Hardcore 10%

Aura: Hi [MKMUSIC1995],
Our algorithm has picked up some interesting Spotify activity recently!
Been getting into [FOLK], huh?
Just in case you were thinking of leaving us, we're offering you an EXCLUSIVE 3-MONTH DISCOUNT on your current subscription, but only if you renew TODAY!
Hoping you stick around!
Keep rocking
THE EDITORS OF KERRANG!
2/5

Synergy: Look, I see the so-basic-it's-honestly-oblique synergy going on there between your core touchstones with Folk/Pop/Rock, all on a nice par with each other, and I rate it, but there is no getting around the fact that the synergy between metalcore and pop is arguably the least attractive wavelength on offer, especially when metalcore is the top contributor by a brutal margin and you've got hardcore bringing up the rear just to seal the deal and alt rock on the podium for extra grease. Any civilised overtones this chart has are throttled in the cradle. 2/5 (but 3.5/5 if we're treating any and all synergy as a positive)

Recommend to a friend?: This is the kind of thing you'd recommend to a lost-cause scene kid to offer them the faintest speck of hope, so I'd by all means keep it in reserve 3/5

Rating: B-
12Cult of Luna
Salvation

Demon of the Fall

Experimental 23%
Death Metal 17%
Jazz 14%
Prog Metal 12%
Post Rock 11%
Electronic 10%
Black Metal 10%

Aura: Yeah, I'm sorry but reading this chart blind would make me assume BTBAM-hawking Opeth-slurping Cynic-greasing fantasyland death metal neckbeard like nothing I've seen before lol -- the disproportionately high placement of experimental and your preference for jazz over jazz fusion are the only things that would give me pause for thought. This chart is gloriously out of sync with your 5s, but we can't count that either way. 2/5

Synergy: Electronic is a sore thumb here, but the rest of these synergise very well -- post rock and black metal both add a veneer of gauche to that oh so palpable prog-death chassis. Experimental's bloated perch at the top seems to invite interpretation, but the remaining genres tell such a clear story that there's really no need. 2.5/5 (3.5/5 or 4/5 if we treat all synergy as positive)

Recommend to a friend?: This chart makes me think of the Guitar Hero episode of South Park, so that will be a no thank you 2/5

Rating: C
13Bathory
Nordland II

Smok

Black Metal 33%
Death Metal 20%
Thrash Metal 12%
Classical (75% of which is Symphonic Metal) 12%
Folk (Metal) 10%
Power Metal 5%
Progressive Metal 5%

Aura: THE CHEESE IS RIPE THE CHEESE IS RIPE THE CHEESE IS RIPE m///// 4/5

Synergy: Well, fuckin duh this synergises. I might have quibbled classical for adding unwanted stuffiness, but Smok has kindly intervened to ensure no one misparses that one. Otherwise, this is your cheesy harmonised oldworld big dragonbeard histrionic D&D core done to unrelenting excess - it does very much needs that putrid death metal 20% cheese to be swapped with that pungent power metal 5% cheese to reach its full kitsch fantasyland potential, but we're most of the way there 4.5/5

Recommend to a friend?: lmfao sure 3/5

Rating: A
14Windir
1184

Verdr

23% Black Metal
21% Death Metal
16% Progressive Metal
11% Deathcore
9% Metalcore
8% Folk
8% Progressive Rock

Aura: Classic neckbeard-and-proud chart with an unfortunate combined 20% core quotient. Is this a real dungeon or just your parents' basement? Not two looks that pair well -- pop those zits and upgrade your battle jacket 2/5

Synergy: Typical metal pie at first sight, but that core-bm/dm split is a little cohesive, I can't be sure how seriously any of these tags want me to take them 3.5/5

Recommend to a friend?: Absolutely not, this one reads like the worst of all worlds 1/5

Rating: C-
15Timeghoul
1992-1994 Discography

evilford

39% death metal
12% doom metal
11% sludge metal
11% thrash metal
11% progressive metal
7% black metal
6% hip hop

Aura: lol ford listens to hip hop? 4/5

Synergy: I don't want to overstate the beacon of social adjustment that hip hop slice offers in an otherwise stalwart metal pie (and it would be impossible to do so even if I wanted to), but there are some nuances to highlight: doom and sludge occupying the lower podium placements suggests a murky sense of refinement most metal pies lack, and even though the order is not at all to my tastes, the 32% discrepancy between death and black metal (which you would expect to occupy both the top placements with a >10% margin between them on ye olde happy eater neckbeard pie) further cements that ford has his own handle on the genre. 11% progressive metal is a much-needed reminder that that 39% death metal slice is not built purely on cavernous tedium, much as ford has tried his best to make us believe this is the case -- fair fucks. Turns out the hip hop cameo is just one indication among many of a rare metal pie with worthwhile edge. 5/5

Recommend to your friend?: ...unfortunately, worthwhile edge on a metal pie is just another factor making it equal parts unparseable and unlistenable to anyone I'd conceivably send it to, take a +1 for hop hop and get out of here lol 2/5

Rating: A+
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