MarsKid
Mitch Worden
Emeritus

Reviews 172
Approval 98%

Soundoffs 200
News Articles 34
Band Edits + Tags 478
Album Edits 1,058

Album Ratings 5875
Objectivity 86%

Last Active 01-01-70 12:00 am
Joined 01-01-70

Review Comments 21,030

 Lists
11.29.22 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 1311.23.22 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 12
11.23.22 Build-an-Album II, R11(P3): Bring Out Y 11.15.22 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 11
11.10.22 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 1011.09.22 Build-an-Album II, R10(P2): We're Gloom
11.02.22 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 910.25.22 Build-an-Album II, R9(P2): Pain. Max Pa
10.07.22 Build-an-Album II, R8 (P2): The Col-Tra 09.16.22 Build-an-Album II, R7 (P2): Valhalla Be
09.01.22 Build-an-Album II, R6 (P2): Y'all Ready 08.20.22 Build-an-Album II, R5(P1): N0 G0DS
08.04.22 Build-an-Album II, R4(P1): Seeing Sound 07.25.22 Build-an-Album II, R3(P1): Drop it Down
07.12.22 Build-an-Album II, R2(P1): Believe in P07.03.22 Build-an-Album II, R1(P1): Break it Dow
07.01.22 Build-an-Album: The Revival [CLOSED]02.14.22 RIP Packers fans
« Previous | More »

MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 13

As the top 10 clears up, literally everything else remains a shitshow that I desperately try to make sense of. Do I succeed? Uh... probably not, but by golly I'll give it a go.
32Corey Feldman
Angelic 2 The Core


Houston Texans (+/-0)

In a game that felt out of hand as soon as the ball was snapped, the Houston Texans again demonstrated how they are incapable of winning games or even giving the appearance of trying. The team is well on their way to a top pick and show no signs of stopping. Can y'all at least beat the Browns?
31Meghan Trainor
Thank You


Denver Broncos (-2)

Broncos Country, Pass the Cyanide. In a season that couldn't possibly get worse... it got worse. Russel Wilson is currently making a case for being the worst trade of all time, and it has reached a point where team drama is spilling out onto the field. Frustration is abound and Hackett has zero control over this squad, nor does he seem to inspire even a shred of confidence. This was a disaster from the start, and it's only managing to reach profound new lows, such as Wilson having less TDs than Carson Wentz--who hasn't played since week 6. Blow this up ASAP and cut whatever losses you can; this entire team is a mistake.
30Attila
About That Life


Los Angeles Rams (+/-0)

In the words of Joe Buck, "the team formerly known as the LA Rams" are a broken, injury-riddled husk of their championship selves who are slowly withering away before our very eyes. As has been said for several weeks now, this is the cost of the ring: the team went all-in, gambled everything at the table, and walked away with the jackpot. But everyone knows the popular axiom: the House always wins. And now it's time to collect. There might be a massive fire sale this off-season as the Rams try to cut their losses and stock back up on picks.
29Robin Thicke
Blurred Lines


Carolina Panthers (+2)

Sam Darnold fumbled on a run, recovered it without being touched, then did an honest-to-goodness barrel roll into the endzone, then looked at the camera as if to say "tah-dah!" It was a magical moment in this cruel, cold world of ours, and one that deserves to be immortalized. Everything else sucks, but at least the big question of "is Carolina better than Denver?" was answered.
28Thirty Seconds to Mars
America


Chicago Bears (-5)

Just how much was Justin Fields carrying this team? See for yourself: an absolute massacre at the hands of the Mike White-commanded Jets where the offense, which seemed to be one of the few things on-track for the Bears, completely buckled under pressure and couldn't start anything. Despite normally being known for their stout defenses, Chicago no longer has none to speaker of, and with their defensive heavyweights traded away, there are too many gaps in both talent and leadership. There is a lot, a LOT to work on, perhaps more than expected. Fields has undoubtedly proven he is the future; protect him and give him reliable weapons to play with.
27Twinspan
Anthems of Your Scene Phase


Indianapolis Colts (-5)

Jeff Saturday just put on an absolute clinic on how *not* to coach. Meanwhile, Matt Ryan demonstrated how horrifically washed he is. That isn't just a knock on arm strength; his legs, pocket presence, decision-making, and vision have all taken a drastic nosedive to the point where no change--team, coach, or otherwise--could salvage him. The defense managed to do OK against a Steelers squad still finding their footing, but Saturday cannot keep them off the field or properly manage a game clock. Those past games of "playing hard!" were a mirage; the Colts are still the Colts, and no salvation is coming for them.
26Nicki Minaj
Queen


New Orleans Saints (-2)

In a game that the 49ers really wanted to lose, the Saints wanted to lose more. Andy Dalton is a back-up, as much as I love the man, and the offense as a whole is either lacking weaponry or refuses to use it properly. If New Orleans nails their next head coaching search, there's enough here to be... serviceable, I suppose. But Jameis and Dalton are not the QB room you want going forward. Clean house, lads.
25Rings of Saturn
Rings of Saturn


Pittsburgh Steelers (+3)

Kenny Pickett shows a bit of improvement week by week, but the game was still too close for comfort when considering how terrible the Colts' offense is. Part of the issue is the general dearth of defensive talent beyond a choice few stars and some critical mistakes on special teams that kept Indy alive. A win is a win, with any progress by the squad's rookie QB being enough of a positive to take away from any given game. He just needs to develop in terms of reading defenses and he needs to create better chemistry with WRs, or at least give them throws that don't always require them to become contortionists to snag. Also, try running someone other than Harris for once; could be a good change of pace.
24Of Mice and Men
Cold World


Arizona Cardinals (-3)

Between Justin Herbert and the Kingsbury-led Cardinals, I know who I'd bet on to clutch out a game. If rumors are to be believed, Sean Payton has his eyes on either the Chargers or Arizona; I would be blowing up his phone nonstop and drafting up a buyout for Midsbury. There's still a lot of work to be done, but it starts and ends with the coaching staff, who are evidently out of their depth.
23Mt Eden
Mt Eden Album


Green Bay Packers (-3)

If Jordan Love magically turns out to be a good QB, there may be riots across the entire Midwest, with many calling to remove the state of Wisconsin from the U.S. Love may have to prove himself sooner rather than later, with Rodgers now adding broken ribs on top of his already debilitating hand injury. Not like the season is going anywhere anyways; throw Jordan to the wolves and see how he does. If he's good, you either have the QB of the future or someone the Colts will overpay for as their next starter. Win-win.
22MAGIC!
Don't Kill the Magic


Atlanta Falcons (-5)

What was once a potentially promising season has now morphed into a horrifying freefall. The Falcons have lost their footing, and Mariota at QB isn't assisting matters whatsoever--unless he's serving as Tank Commander Marcus, in which case it's full steam ahead for that juicy top 10 pick. Do have to wonder why else Smith insists on keeping Ridder on the bench. Also, uh, work on that run defense a bit fellas.
21King 810
Proem


Believeland Brownies (+4)

In which the Browns kick out their immature backup Brisset for the new, adult, mature QB that is DeRapist Watson. What a thrill.
20Humble Abode
Manic Mansion


Las Vegas Raiders (+7)

The Raiders got themselves into a shootout and miraculously came out of it victorious, showing some confidence and fighting spirit that had been absent from prior losses. Josh Jacobs decided to ascend from being that one underrated RB people talk about to an actual deity that no mortal LB has hopes of stopping. Sound hyperbolic? Not so; the man averaged 6.9 yards over 33 carries, totaled 229 yards on the ground (an additional 75 receiving!) and scored two TDs. This man is a free agent this off-season. You need to pay this man.
19Future
HNDRXX


Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-3)

Todd Bowles is on the fast-track to being fired. His reasoning for not taking a timeout when it might have helped save the team's chances at victory were that he was afraid of an interception. Tom Brady has only thrown 2 picks in 470 attempts. These cannot be the thoughts of a sane man. Beyond that, the poor chemistry issues and poor playcalling dilemmas reared their ugly heads once more, revealing that Tampa hasn't *really* learned from their errors. They remain a tough team to gauge; the talent is there, mostly on offense, but they just... look so anemic sometimes. Even though they likely sneak into the playoffs out of the pathetic NFC South, I can't see them making any sort of noise in the postseason.
18Pile
Green and Gray


Jacksonville Jaguars (+8)

This is the Trevor Lawrence that was promised: a game-changing QB that can take over and will a team to victory if needed. In the fourth quarter, the (essentially) rookie commanded the Jags offense with precision, slicing through the Raven's defense with great passes and ultimately sealing the deal on a clutch two-point conversion. Considering how putrid the AFC South is, there's a real chance the Jags can ride this positive momentum into consecutive Ws. The abysmal Titans have a sizable lead on the division, but give it time, they're in the process of throwing it away.
17Crippled Black Phoenix
Banefyre


New York Giants (-3)

This slide back to reality was always coming for the Giants, but for it to come like this a a bit of a painful pill to swallow for fans; excluding the free W that is Houston, the team has basically lost three games in a row, and none of them were particularly close. The tape is out on how to stop New York, allowing opponents to constrict their already limited options and exploit their numerous flaws. Worse news: their losses were against contenders. If you can't show up and compete against those vying for a playoff spot, then the future can't be particularly bright for this season. For the OVERALL future, however, the Giants are still relatively ahead of schedule.
16The Republic of Wolves
shrine


Detroit Lions (+2)

QUALITY LOSS. That's right, it's back to college, folks. This team hung in there against one of the better teams in the NFL and really could have walked away with a win. Campbell needs to improve a LOT as a coach, as his botching of the two-minute drill was a massive hindrance on the team's winning efforts. However, that offense remains lethal, and the defense has finally grown to the point where they can make stops. A wild card spot isn't out of the question, although this is likely wishful thinking. Do you see the teams beneath them? How the hell do you sort it?!??!?
15The Red Chord
Fed Through the Teeth Machine


Seattle Seahawks (-3)

I gave the Seahawks the kiss of death; as soon as I pointed out how well they were playing, their powerful offense, the wonderful comeback of Geno Smith, the team promptly turned into a pumpkin and started dropping games at will. Despite their prior momentum, the Niners have now snuck in front of them for lead of the NFC West. It's definitely not out of reach, but the team needs to center themselves. Of particular concern is a young defense that seemed to have things figured out, only to drastically regress and get murdered via the air and ground by Lord Josh Jacobs. A "get right" game against the Rams next week to cure all that ails.
14Pianos Become the Teeth
Drift


Tennessee Titans (-5)

Todd Downing is terrible. The defense cannot stop a team if they have a winning record. Mike Vrabel is stubborn, arrogant, and allergic to change. Henry is a shell of himself. The offensive line is offensive. We cannot pass block. We cannot run block. Tannehill is hurt again, which means Malik Willis, who sucks. Todd Downing is *terrible*. This team is unable to compete when the lights are bright. This team crumbles against anyone that isn't a putrid bottom-feeder. Playcalling is atrocious. Todd Downing is TERRIBLE. Our best player is our punter. We cannot kick field goals. We are somehow leading this division. Can't wait to for Miami or whoever waits for us to use us like toilet paper. And we will be back next year, having changed nothing, and be perfectly mediocre again. Fuck.
13Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark
Architecture & Morality


Los Angeles Chargers (+6)

Justin Herbert.
12Slint
Spiderland


New England Patriots (+1)

Mac Jones is a good QB, in case anyone forgot. Once he was given the opportunity to cut loose and march the ball downfield, the young starter demonstrated why New England picked him as their successor; he is calm under pressure, has a reliable deep ball, and makes good decisions. The Vikes were able to walk away with the W, but the Pats might finally be finding their identity on both offense and defense, which could be a scary prospect for anyone else in the wild card hunt. So long as Patricia keeps trusting in Jones, the team can potentially make a little run. However, they need to do anything and everything in their power to avoid having to rely on Agholor--he just ain't it.
11Greg Puciato
Mirrorcell


New York Jets (+4)

Robert Saleh did what needed to be done and benched Wilson in an attempt to teach him a lesson. Considering Wilson spent the entire game moping and away from teammates, it doesn't seem like anything was learned, and the squad immediately rallying behind Mike White seems like a death knell for Zach's time in a Jets' uniform. White wasn't a jaw-dropping spectacle, but he did what was needed to win: hit targets reliably and let the talented WRs work in space. Let the playmakers play, basically. If Saleh sticks to his guns, the Jets could surge back into the wild card race. Ride the hot hand.
10Goldfinger
Hang-ups


Baltimore Ravens (-4)

The struggling Ravens finally met their match... against Jacksonville? Believe it or not, yes, although the team was not helped by a poor showing by Lamar and, most importantly, his receiving threats; the entire corps caught a case of the dropsies and did everything in their power to let their QB done, as well as a lil fumble or two. The team again exhibits a startling inability to play defense in the fourth quarter, this this latest loss being yet another blown lead in the closing minutes. There are some deep concerns in terms of the team's level of talent, reliability, and coaching, which are only becoming magnified as the season progresses. Oh, and Cincinnati is now knocking at your door for the division lead. Beware.
9Fear Before
The Always Open Mouth


Washington Commanders (+2)

The Commanders continue to roll onward and rescue their season from the depths. Not only rescue, but entirely turn around; with Seattle losing steam, the Commies have now snagged a wild card spot, and their momentum is starting to look hard to halt. Taylor Heinicke is a QB players want to rally around, and their offense has a sneaky amount of talent. If the running game can build off of this strong showing, the team will be a much more well-rounded threat that can remove some pressure from Taylor.
8Feral Light
Psychic Contortions


Cincinnati Bengals (+2)

Even though Chase being out is definitely a loss, the Bengals have managed to forge ahead without him for now. After scoring some key victories, the team has finally positioned themselves to usurp the Ravens from their control of the AFC North, and they certainly seem to be coming into form at the right part of the season. Perine has also revealed himself to be as good, if not better than Mixon, acting as both a reliable receiving threat and a guaranteed gain on the ground. The Chiefs approach, but with Chase aiming to be ready to go for the game, the stars are aligning for Cincy to make another run at the playoffs.
7Fall Of Minerva
Portraits


Buffalo Bills (+/-0)

For a large portion of the game, the Bills again looked weak as they drunkenly stumbled around on offense and allowed Detroit to control the tempo of the game. Josh Allen is still off, which likely originates from a nagging elbow injury that he still has. Von Miller missing time could be a massive blow to a defense that hasn't quite found its rhythm.
6Forest Stream
The Crown of Winter


Minnesota Vikings (+2)

In what looked to be another chapter in the typical Vikings choke novel, Kirk Cousins and co. managed to fight back against a fierce Pats team and stole the W for Thanksgiving. Justin Jefferson is an absolute menace and the biggest reason for Minnesota's success by far; any given team must respect him, and even then he'll likely catch whatever comes his way. Thielen and Hockenson get much more room to operate in this scenario, as too many defenses are worried about getting blown up on the deep ball that anything underneath can be reliably open. The chance to cement their spot in the playoffs and control of the NFC North is nigh; it's time for the Vikes to run the table.
5Blue October
This Is What I Live For


San Francisco 49ers (-1)

Well... that was a game. The Niners defense won the day as the offense stalled a tad, containing the Saints and shutting them out in a contest most would prefer to forget. The division now lies firmly in San Francisco's control with the Seahawks faltering. A true test looms on the horizon in the form of the red-hot Miami Dolphins; if the Niners want to establish themselves as a major threat, that will be a must-win, or a game they at least need to be competitive in.
4The Callous Daoboys
Celebrity Therapist


Philadelphia Eagles (+1)

The Eagles certainly didn't want a game against a collapsing Green Bay squad to turn into a shootout, but all things considered, it was a good showing by the team. Jalen Hurts carried once more, making decisive throws and demonstrating absolute dominance on the ground. This was a must-win in order to keep ahead of the Cowboys, who are currently doing their best to keep pace with Philly's strong division lead.
3Persefone
Metanoia


Dallas Cowboys (+/-0)

Dak and co. are starting to gain momentum as the season starts to wind down, although some costly mistakes are cause for slight concern going forward. Tony Pollard is usually enough to calm nerves; he's become a monster these past few years, and his ability to rotate with Zeke ensures that the Dallas offense always has a fresh running attack to bombard opponents with. Amari Cooper Most importantly for the 'Boys, however, is CeeDee Lamb emerging as the WR1 Dallas was craving, which will be a massive boon going forward and a nice comfort for Prescott. Just have to keep the ball rolling at this point.
2Unexpect
Fables of the Sleepless Empire


Miami Dolphins (+/-0)
1Denzel Curry
Imperial


Kansas City Chiefs (+/-0)
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