MarsKid
Mitch Worden
Emeritus

Reviews 172
Approval 98%

Soundoffs 200
News Articles 34
Band Edits + Tags 478
Album Edits 1,057

Album Ratings 6045
Objectivity 86%

Last Active 01-01-70 12:00 am
Joined 01-01-70

Review Comments 21,035

 Lists
09.20.23 MarsBro's Court of 2023 08.30.23 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: '23-'24 Preseaso
06.23.23 Mars 23/5: All the Goodies 02.24.23 straight edge friendos
01.28.23 Mars Ranks: Avantasia01.11.23 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: '22-'23 Season F
01.09.23 The Weekly Dive: Doom and Melodic Death01.06.23 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 18
01.02.23 The Weekly Dive: Hip-Hop12.28.22 Build-an-Album II, GAME OVER: Adios, Am
12.27.22 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 1712.26.22 Mars Ranks: Blue October
12.20.22 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 1612.13.22 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 15
12.12.22 Build-an-Album II, R13(P3): The Final C12.08.22 MarsBro's Court of 2022
12.07.22 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 1412.04.22 Build-an-Album II, R12(P3): Just One of
More »

MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 17

We near the end! And playoff spots are rapidly dwindling...
32Corey Feldman
Angelic 2 The Core


Houston Texans (+/-0)

I thought about whether or not the Broncos deserved this spot more or the Texans. The simple fact is that both are awful, but while the Texans have remained competitive in their games, Denver has, at the very least, won a handful of games--including one against Houston. Houston defeating the injury-riddled mess that is Tennessee also doesn't mean much; everybody's tearing apart that corpse nowadays. It's splitting hairs over two teams that really don't matter at all and are in complete shambles, with the Texans' sole silver lining being their draft pick haul. Careful with this whole winning then though! Chicago might sneak up on that #1 pick at this rate...
31Miley Cyrus
Miley Cyrus and Her Dead Petz


Denver Broncos (-3)

Hackett was fired, and there has been plenty written about how he was a poor coach and got what he deserved. Sure. But it isn't Hackett out there missing reads, forcing throws, failing to scramble, holding the ball for too long, and failing to lead drives anywhere. Carroll schemed an offense in Seattle that covered these flaws, and without that in place, Wilson has been exposed in a major way, revealing several holes in his game that a veteran of his supposed caliber shouldn't make. His third pick (oh yes, he was in a giving mood!) was particularly egregious, where he refused to get an easy 1st and instead took a TD shot that was never necessary. Better get into those Sean Payton sweepstakes, because Russel is not a good QB and will need a top-level offensive coach to hide his faults. The locker room is also a complete and utter mess, which should be fun to navigate. When you lose the trust of the OLine, your career is essentially toast, and the defense is gassed.
30Attila
About That Life


Indianapolis Colts (+1)

The Indy tank job keeps rolling around at a comfortable pace. It's new pilot is BIG DICK NICK, who rewarded the Chargers with three beautiful picks that were inexcusable for an experienced QB. But that's fine; Jim Irsay has a plan, and it's called SUCK FOR LUCK. Oh wait, we did that... it's called LOSERS WANTING RIVERS. Nope, did that... WINCE FOR WENTZ? Shit, did that one too. FALLING FOR RYAN? That didn't work either? Fuck. Okay. Uhm... BELOW PAR FOR CARR it is! Golly, this organization has such a clear path and is so trustworthy, I feel like they're totally respectable and know what they're doing. Be lucky Denver and Houston are miraculously worse.
29brakence
hypochondriac


Chicago Bears (+1)

Be honest: when you saw that halftime lead, did you *really* think that the Bears were ever going to hold onto it? That was the most predictable loss of the week and most predictable lost lead. Not much else to say since the flaws are the same and nothing can possibly improve until this new regime gets a new draft cycle. The Claypool trade is increasingly becoming worrisome.
28Meghan Trainor
Thank You


Arizona Cardinals (+1)

Kliff Midsbury looks hungover, out of his depth, and done with professional football. When the season comes down to starting Trace McSorley, then that's probably the only possible reaction to have. What ensued was a pathetic offensive performance and a defense that was JJ Watt and, well, just JJ Watt. Once the Buccaneers realized "yo, we can run AWAY from this Watt dude," the game was sealed. No shot the McSorley Cardinals ever win in OT. Much like Denver, it's time to dive headfirst into the Payton sweepstakes. The issue there, however, is the Arizona roster has a lot more question marks, and Murray will likely be unavailable until October of next year, which likely means a guaranteed losing season. Not a good position to be in.
27Waking the Cadaver
Real-Life Death


Atlanta Falcons (+/-0)

The Ravens really didn't do much because the Falcons can't do much. Hopefully the Atlanta roster and Ridder are both able to develop, but this is starting to become pretty sad to watch. Mistakes and turnovers while generating precious few of your own generally means losing football games. It's pretty dire when you aren't even in the running for the NFC South!
26Kanye West
Donda 2


Cleveland Browns (-4)

Outplayed by Baker Mayfield lol
25Sleeping With Sirens
Feel


Las Vegas Raiders (-8)

Alright, I'm tired of giving the on-paper talent of this team the benefit of the doubt. Here you shall stay, you underachievers. That was the most predictable flop of a final drive imaginable; everyone saw that pick coming, everyone knew Carr would crumble. Win or lose, the Raiders inspire zero confidence, often looking horrendous regardless of the final result. A this point, the Carr Question has to be raised again, what with this being yet another season that's going nowhere and his flaws remain as present as ever. He got his college buddy and they're still unable to translate that magic into points. Then again, with McDaniels at the helm, any new QB is likely doomed to become trapped in his restrictive system. This was supposed to be a year where they challenged Kansas for the title. Instead, they're once again on the outside looking in, and they have no solutions to offer for the faults of their coaching or roster. Dark days inbound.
24Pianos Become the Teeth
Drift


Tennessee Titans (-5)

Oh yes, and the Titans belong back here too. The injuries continue to an absurd extent that surely raises questions about practice routines and strength & conditioning programs, the offense is dead, and the defense is exhausted. This is the look and feel of a team that has surrendered the season and understands that everything is forfeit. Jacksonville can take that playoff spot; nobody wants to see this bullshit on TV--us Titans fans watch out of a warped sense of obligation. Malik Willis will make a fine tank commander for next season, however, as the Titans roster is so gutted that losing for picks is probably the only option going forward. I'd be more upset, but I think I was secretly dead inside ever since the Bills game.
23The Black Eyed Peas
The Beginning


Seattle Seahawks (-2)

The slide continues. The Seahawks went to battle against Kansas and, as could have been likely foretold, came out on the losing end. I'm happy Geno got himself a pro bowl, but his early level of play is looking more and more like an unsustainable phenomenon that was entertaining for a handful of weeks. The defense still needs to seal up the cracks, which Denver's unintentional tank job will be happy to assist with.
22Nicki Minaj
Queen


Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+1)

Brady maintains his newfound shaky performance, this time resulting in costly picks that were thankfully not-so-costly against a Trace McSorley offense. He was able to cobble together another salvage job, but it's something that's really only possible against the bottom of the barrel of the league. Come playoffs, Tampa has demonstrated how quickly it can fold in on itself when presented a greater challenge. When a hobbled Fournette is the impetus of all things on offense, things are not OK, and Bowles' cowardly calls and Leftwich's abysmal scheme are a match made in Hell. A big game nears against Carolina to determine the fate of the division, with the losing assuredly missing the postseason. Time will tell if the pirate gang can do this funky thing called "Playing a full game!" and not come out looking flat for 58 minutes.
21The Microphones
Microphones in 2020


Pittsburgh Steelers (+4)

C'mon now, the Steelers weren't going to lose on Franco's day. They were going to look like shit, as they have basically all season long, but they weren't about to disappoint a franchise legend. The defense did what they needed to against the putrid Raiders, and by some sort of devil magic, the team is now immune to elimination this week. What the hell.
20The Royal Guard
Sapphire in the Lonely Castle


Los Angeles Rams (+4)

Baker Mayfield looked like his old Cleveland self as he carved up what was once a dominant defense in Denver. He did so well in fact that he was benched AND pitched a no-punt game. Him and Cam Akers quickly made the game out-of-reach, which was definitely aided by a surprisingly solid defensive performance and a boatload of picks--including one by the Broncos' backup, who clearly could not stop the bleeding. It's a meaningless win in terms of playoff implications since the team has long since been tossed out, but any given squad will want to play hard and finish strong. Baker in particular is likely playing for a future job, although I think a year learning with the Mcvay/Stafford combo might be best for his growth. A good win in an otherwise poor season.
19Teddy's Hit
Painters


New Orleans Saints (+1)

Feel like I have a slight blindspot for this team because of Andy Dalton. He's the nicest dude in the league, after all! Anyways, the Saints managed to grind out a tough one against the Browns, although the playcalling remains not NEARLY silly enough for my tastes. They managed to eliminate Cleveland, which is really just a Christmas present for the whole league. Thanks!
18Spoon
Kill the Moonlight


New York Jets (-5)

Holy hell, that was demoralizing. The Jaguars willingly left points on the field and the famously aggressive Doug Pederson played it safe because they were *that* confident the Jets couldn't move the ball. Until Streveler came out of left-field in relief, they were right; the Zach Wilson Jets were putrid, concocting 3-and-outs like a professional disaster chef. His time in New York is definitely terminated. The locker room hates him, the fans absolutely despise him, and Saleh's patience has run thin. This could have been even uglier if Pederson wanted to dial it up. What a waste of a pretty awesome roster.
17Black Matter Device
AUTONOMOUS WEAPONS


New England Patriots

Feel like nobody is really talking about Mac Jones' dirty hit on Eli Apple. It's not the first time he has stepped out of line and shown some unsportsmanlike tendencies, and if you aren't named Tom Brady, you aren't getting away with that. Jones played admirably down the stretch to try and flip the game around in a commendable comeback effort, but it ultimately fell short. That's what happens when you fool around for several quarters and barely survive on the loosening grasp of a stout defense. I'm not really one for hot takes so I'll stop short of saying "THE GAME HAS PASSED BILL BY," but his loyalty to 'his guys' is definitely causing this season to slip through his fingers. Fire Patricia.
16Abominable Putridity
The Anomalies of Artificial Origin


Carolina Panthers (+10)

Oh God, here we go again... how is it that when everyone else plays horrifically, you do well? Huh?! Be consistent, sheesh. Losing to the decrepit Steelers then demolishing the Lions *that* easily? Figure it out, damn it. It can't be argued that Wilks has this team playing harder than Rhule ever did, and there's clearly a fighting spirit that has reinvigorated a roster that really isn't as bad as one might expect. Sam Darnold is playing mistake-free football and has even shown flashes of a deep ball game that could open up the offense. The main prize, however, is a running dual threat of Hubbard/Foreman that ran wild on Saturday. Tampa isn't the powerhouse they once were; getting that run game online for that upcoming matchup could mean a playoff berth.
15Wintersun
Wintersun


Miami Dolphins (-5)

So, Tua is concussed again. Somebody needs to teach this man how to protect himself and how to fall properly. Watch how Brady lives to fight for another down, then compare that to how Tua remains in the pocket and desperately tries to extend a play that isn't there. Sometimes, you have to eat the sack or eat the down. The NFL world hopes he's able to get healthy again, although he should likely ask himself if he wants to keep going at this rate; the concussions are starting to pile up. It also seems as though McDaniel's scheme has been found out and exposed by opposing defenses, as they once again feasted upon poor throws and messed-up timing. The seventh seed is still theirs, but plenty of teams are lined up behind them eager to steal it...
14Woe Of Tyrants
Kingdom of Might


Baltimore Ravens (+4)

Baltimore is off to the playoffs. They are still likely frauds, but to what extent we will not really know until seeding shakes out. Their weaknesses have become so clear recently that they're catnip for basically anyone else in the top level of the AFC. If Jacksonville wins out, that likely means the Ravens head to Duval, and I think Pederson will eat them alive.
13Weathered
Stranger Here


New York Giants (+1)

Yes, I've been very forgiving of the Giants this season. What Daboll has done with basically nothing is incredible, and they're still in charge of their playoff destiny if they can wrap up the end of the year. While the Vikings are streaky as hell, they're still a tough team, and losing by an act of god isn't something I'm going to penalize too harshly. Beating the Colts should lock up a seed for New York and get them playing playoff football, and if seeding held constant, that would mean traveling to... SAN FRANCISCO?! Uh-oh.
12The Sawtooth Grin
Good.


Washington Commanders (+/-0)

The Commies ran into the buzzsaw that is the Niners, which was a game they probably weren't going to win unless another San Fran QB was injured. Then again, at that point, Shanahan would likely just take snaps himself. The org is again staring down the Taylor Heinicke question, but for this season at least, the answer is obvious: roll with the hot hand. Wentz is not an upgrade, and no better starter is waiting in the wings. Tying the future to Wentz was the original mistake; returning is not the solution. Heinicke's faults are obvious on tape, but that's the lot Washington stuck themselves with, and he has mostly been decent enough to keep the squad competitive. It's ultimately up to Rivera's choice, although I don't see a viable alternative.
11The Monolith Deathcult
Trivmvirate


Green Bay Packers (+5)

Remember when I (somewhat jokingly) said the Packers could run the table? Well, they're nearly in that position. They still require help from the Commanders, who will have to drop one of their final games. If that happens, it's win and in; defeat Minnesota, defeat Detroit, and Rodgers will sneak into the postseason. This team has teased potential, but Rodgers' stunning inaccuracy this year and his unreliable WR room leave ample room for doubt. That being said, they're riding momentum off a 3-game winning streak, and I'm not one to count the bad man out just yet. The defense will need to create some turnovers against the Vikes to make it close, which they had no problem with against the Dolphins. Time to prove if you belong or not, lads!
10Show Me A Dinosaur
Plantgazer


Detroit Lions (-4)

Run defense? Hello? Run defense?!??! Jesus, I know Carolina is better than they might look from the W/L column, but make a tackle or two or at least make it *look* a little harder. After such an amazing winning streak, it feels like all the wind has been taken out of Detroit's sails. This one hurts, and the fact that their upcoming opponents have terrifying runners--Fields in Chicago and Green Bay's Aaron Jones--is cause for greater concern. If the postseason is still in the cards, Campbell will need to figure something out fast. Getting torched by Sam honest-to-goodness Darnold is generally not conducive to winning football games.
9Forest Stream
The Crown of Winter


Minnesota Vikings (+2)

If the Vikings can hit game-winning field goals from 60+ yards out, I just have to believe that only two scenarios are occurring: blowout in the first round, or a Superbowl win. No in-between here; this is a team of destiny or a complete lack of it. Cousins also remains astoundingly clutch--ignore the narratives, the man is a good QB--and Jefferson is the x-factor that can propel the offense onwards. Hockeson is also coming more into his own as a vital part of the passing attack. Being able to line up against highly-talented teams more frequently is the next step, as the magic is no use if down multiple scores against a team not called the Colts.
8Zapruder
Zapruder


Jacksonville Jaguars (+1)

Pederson went into New York with an airtight gameplan: quick, immediate passes and plays to avoid the pass rush, dink and dunk to avoid challenging the corners, punish with Lawrence's mobility when necessary. Saleh's refusal to play the defense further up sealed the deal, as the Jags were content eating clock and killing the Jets in the short game. They're now officially in control of the AFC South and therefore their playoff fate. Considering how well Trevor has played and how much the team has grown, I'd be intimidated to travel to Duval.
7The Shins
Chutes Too Narrow


Los Angeles Chargers (-1)

Justin Herbert is headed to the playoffs. Wow. With Brandon Staley coaching, I never thought it would be possible. In fairness to the should-be-fired Staley, the defense has surprisingly been the main positive in these past few weeks. Why the offense is healthy and still struggling to put up points is alarming. Yes, the Colts' defense plays much harder than it reasonably should in a tank year, but being unable to capitalize with all weapons healthy is not a good look for postseason success. Herbet can make anything possible even with an easily-exposed OLine, so maybe the magic will happen, but I have little faith in Lombardi's scheming. The hard part is over, at least; the Chargers are back to playoff football!
6Trophy Eyes
Chemical Miracle


Dallas Cowboys (+2)

WHAT. A. GAME. A genuine game of the year that was likely the only entertaining game of the weekend (except for the Broncos; I love a good collapse). Prescott looked to be on the road to a horrendous game, but after his head-scratching pick, he caught fire and reliably moved the Dallas offense down the field. Crucial turnovers proved to be the deciding factor in an explosive shootout, and the Cowboys managed to snag a well-earned win against a rival. Not having to account of the running ability of Hurts was definitely helpful, but going down that road distracts from an amazing game by Dallas overall. These are the sort of contests you need to snag a victory in to build confidence and demonstrate toughness against top level teams.
5Silent Drive
Love is Worth It


Kansas City Chiefs (+/-0)

Nice, easy win against Seattle. Good for y'all! The number 1 seed remains in the balance, although they'll need some substantial help to get it.
4Katatonia
The Great Cold Distance


Buffalo Bills (+/-0)

Solid W against Chicago, although the offense's random inability to score is concerning with Cincinnati's offensive firepower on the schedule. Allen has been feeling the need to play hero ball with his WRs being more unreliable than expected, which has led to the team putting on some odd performances. Nothing too bad, but something requiring improvement.
3I Would Set Myself On Fire For You
Believes In Patterns


Cincinnati Bengals (+/-0)
2Noise Trail Immersion
Symbology of Shelter


Philadelphia Eagles (-1)
1Persefone
Metanoia


San Francisco 49ers (+1)
Show/Add Comments (28)

STAFF & CONTRIBUTORS // CONTACT US

Bands: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z


Site Copyright 2005-2023 Sputnikmusic.com
All Album Reviews Displayed With Permission of Authors | Terms of Use | Privacy Policy