MarsKid
Mitch Worden
Emeritus

Reviews 172
Approval 98%

Soundoffs 200
News Articles 34
Band Edits + Tags 478
Album Edits 1,057

Album Ratings 6003
Objectivity 86%

Last Active 01-01-70 12:00 am
Joined 01-01-70

Review Comments 21,035

 Lists
09.20.23 MarsBro's Court of 2023 08.30.23 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: '23-'24 Preseaso
06.23.23 Mars 23/5: All the Goodies 02.24.23 straight edge friendos
01.28.23 Mars Ranks: Avantasia01.11.23 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: '22-'23 Season F
01.09.23 The Weekly Dive: Doom and Melodic Death01.06.23 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 18
01.02.23 The Weekly Dive: Hip-Hop12.28.22 Build-an-Album II, GAME OVER: Adios, Am
12.27.22 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 1712.26.22 Mars Ranks: Blue October
12.20.22 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 1612.13.22 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 15
12.12.22 Build-an-Album II, R13(P3): The Final C12.08.22 MarsBro's Court of 2022
12.07.22 MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 1412.04.22 Build-an-Album II, R12(P3): Just One of
More »

MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 14

Here we go again! Another attempt at sorting out who is bad and who isn't. Woop woop.
32Corey Feldman
Angelic 2 The Core


Houston Texans (+/-0)

In what was likely the most important game of their season, the Texans did what they do best and were a complete disappointment. Despite playing a Browns team that was horrifically stuck in the mud, the offense couldn't stop shooting itself in the foot, even without Davis Mills on the field. At least the end of the season is approaching and fans can pray that Caserio nails their draft.
31Lil Yachty
Teenage Emotions


Denver Broncos (+/-0)

In 60 minutes of gameplay Sunday, the Broncos were unable to reach the red zone. Never mind scoring; they couldn't even get in position to take a good shot to score. This is reaching next-levels of pathetic that were previously considered impossible. Hackett somehow still has a job and Russel Wilson is becoming the worst trade in NFL history. The fact that Josh McDaniels, despite the (rightful) criticism thrown his way, is righting the ship of the Raiders is even more damning; there's nothing about Nathaniel, in coaching or leadership ability, for a team to rally behind. He's gotta go, ASAP. Why did you *ever* guarantee Wilson that much money anyways?
30In Flames
Down, Wicked and No Good


Indianapolis Colts (-3)

This was the culmination of the Luck era. I might have said that before, but this feels even more damning: a team hopelessly clinging to a nonexistent Superbowl window with a rent-a-QB that's decomposing on national TV and the most overrated, overpaid offensive line in the league. Dallas went for the kill in the fourth quarter, and once Indy was essentially forced to throw, the game was forfeit; Ryan's arm strength makes everything over 5 yards a dying duck, which proved to be all too easy for a hungry Cowboys secondary. Johnathan Taylor, once the shining star of the team, has heavily regressed--but the OLine is naturally doing him no favors. Saturday is out of his depth and it's showing; the man looks defeated. The team as a whole looks exhausted. It's a slow, slow limp to the off-season...
29Humble Abode
Manic Mansion


Los Angeles Rams (+1)

Congratulations for both
A) showing a pulse, and
B) not being any of the teams below you!
That's where the good news stops. Stafford is done for the year, and given the piling list of injuries he has accumulated, it might be a career for him. The Rams are about to enter a very quick dark age at this rate. Grab that ring and hug it real, real tight, because this might be a bumpy fall from glory.
28Banks Arcade
Future Lovers


Chicago Bears (+/-0)

No matter what changes, no matter how well Justin Fields plays, no matter how bad the Packers look, the Bears are still subservient to their overlords in Wisconsin. Detroit and Minnesota have both managed to get games over Green Bay, but it's as if there's a mental block where the team cannot get over that particular hump. The end can't come soon enough.
27Attila
Guilty Pleasure


Carolina Panthers (+2)

Another move up because the Colts blew up. This team is now going to start Darnold going forward as Baker has scrambled out of town to try and make up for the fact he's the worst starter in the NFL. Let's see how that plays out! Let that carousel spin and spin and spin, baby.
26Fall Out Boy
M A N I A


New Orleans Saints (+/-0)

I've talked bad about Andy Dalton, but that game changed my mind; Dalton deserved that win. Dennis Allen's masterclass of terrible coaching, however, did not; he entirely botched the end of the game, allowing Brady's inevitable game-winning drive to be a leisurely cruise. It should be an offense worth firing for, in all honestly. WRs dropping passes as if they were defending themselves only makes matters worse. What a sad, sorry state the Saints are now in. Is this the 80s again?
25ghostfuneral
ghostfuneral


Atlanta Falcons (-3)

The newfound Atlanta tank machine marches onward! Even when faced with a struggling Steelers team that isn't sure what exactly they are, the Falcons collapsed in on themselves as they have so often done. Well done! It's time for the Mariota era to end, as much as I love him. He is not a starting-caliber QB and that's just the truth of it.
24Five Finger Death Punch
A Decade of Destruction


Arizona Cardinals (+/-0)

Just a lil ol bye week for the team that embodies mediocrity, although they're actually worse this season somehow. Still gotta fire Midsbury.
23Maroon 5
Overexposed


Pittsburgh Steelers (+2)

This team is improving at a turtle's pace, but at least it *is* improving. There's still a lot of issues on offense, especially in terms of how suddenly they can just sort of... die. On top of that, the WRs are already causing drama and accepting their diva roles due to a culture that actively encourages them. I'm sure none of this will eventually lead to an explosion down the line that sinks the team! Atlanta was given far too many chances to hang around in the game, which doesn't bode well for future divisional games. Thankfully, there are too many other teams worse than y'all.
22Machine Gun Kelly
bloom


Jacksonville Jaguars (-4)

Ow. Ow. OW. That stung. After putting together the most thrilling game of their season, the Jags are absolutely rolled by the offensive firepower of Detroit, and they had no answers to offer in what quickly became a blowout loss. The defense never forced a punt; it was a snowballing of points essentially from the start. It's emblematic of a reoccurring issue this season: the team is inconsistent. On a week-to-week basis, you never know which version of Jacksonville will take the field, although it's clear that the talent is there to put together a winning record. Obviously this year was always going to feature some growing pains, but it's demoralizing when the squad teases something greater and can't deliver.
21Peel Dream Magazine
Agitprop Alterna


Clownland Brows (+/-0)

Y'all really did not look good at all lol
20Last Year's Tragedy
Amongst Lions


Green Bay Packers (+3)

Death, taxes, and Aaron Rodgers owning the Chicago Bears regardless of how good Green Bay is in a given year. Beating up on the perpetual little brother in Illinois isn't much of an indicator that things are improving. However, as any good fan knows, beating a rival is always a good feeling, especially when it involves a comeback and then a dominant finish. The more things change, the more some things stay the same I suppose.
19Pianos Become the Teeth
Drift


Tennessee Titans (-5)

Too much wrong to fit here, so I'll head for the big controversy: Jon Robinson, GM, was fired. Many see this as bad because the Titans have a winning record. Nearly all who say this do not actually *watch* the 2022 Titans, who roll out a roster so abysmal that it's a miracle we've won games at all. Offense is anemic. Defense, despite MULTIPLE pick investment in the secondary, still has an awful secondary. There is no pass rush, no star players. Passing? Rushing? Can't do either, and playcalling is a shitshow. This is the result of routinely missing on draft picks, especially in the first round, letting talent walk, mismanaging the cap, and refusing to use free agency (or whiffing dramatically, i.e. Julio Jones). The team favored Vrabel, who has miraculously drawn talent out of this terrible squad. Rebuilding awaits, the window is closed, and we suck again. Was a good run while we had it, I guess. Oh, and we looked predictably putrid on Sunday. Woohoo.
18Alestorm
Battleheart


Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+1)

At this point, Tampa needs to stay in the 2-minute drill/hurry-up offense and never switch away from it. There is a profound difference between Bowles' coaching and Leftwich's scheming and Tom Brady just calling the plays on his own. This team feels like it should be better than it is--Arians had a nearly identical roster as the top offense in the NFL just last year--but they nearly always wind up digging themselves into a massive hole. They climbed out this time, but it's definitely a continuous cause for concern as the playoffs slowly approach.
17Zao
(Self-Titled)


New York Giants (+/-0)

Whoever lost between the Giants and the Commanders would see a dramatic drop in playoff chances. So... they tied. It's becoming clearer with each passing game that Daboll has done all he can with a roster that is lacking in talent and injured all to hell; those lucky breaks and tight wins are starting to catch up, instead translating to backbreaking losses. With the team still tantalizingly on the verge of a potential playoff push, it's imperative that the gameplan is given an update and the players still standing clean up mistakes. Missing the post-season would suck, but it's important for fans to remember that the rebuild is still VERY ahead of schedule.
16Towers (NY)
Into The Void


New England Patriots (-4)

The tension over the offense's performance (or lack thereof) is starting to boil over. How anyone in that organization thought that a defense coordinator who could hardly coordinate defense was cut for OC duties is a mystery, but it happened, and it's panning out exactly as expected. Mac Jones is capable of better, but as long as this anchor weighs the team down, it's going to be a struggle going forward. It's not like they had a shortage of opportunities either; they just simply failed to capitalize whenever given them. Gotta shake things up if the playoffs are supposed to be in the cards.
15Whores.
Gold


Los Angeles Chargers (-2)

Pain... again. Justin Herbert is a boss, but on a roster riddled with injuries and perpetually held back by Brandon Staley, his efforts are for naught. It's very reminiscent of Philip Rivers: a warrior who would go out day in and day out to drag teams to wins, only to eventually come across a challenge he cannot overcome by himself. It's a shame to see talent get wasted like this, and as the AFC playoff race tightens up, the Chargers could again end up on the outside looking in.
14In the Silence
A Fair Dream Gone Mad


Las Vegas Raiders (+6)

Somehow, the Raiders are turning their fortunes around. It's likely a case of too-little too-late, but it's definitely encouraging to see the team finally win the close games they were playing earlier in the year. Much of this comes off the back of yet another titanic performance by Josh Jacobs, who is certainly making a good case for a fresh new contract this off-season. Carr and Adams have been connecting on some good touchdowns, although the defense remains dire; their pass rush is in the bottom third of the league, which can be a death sentence in a division ruled by Mahomes. Hope is finally alive in Raider nation, but can they sustain it?
13The Ocean
Pelagial


Seattle Seahawks (+2)

Geno Smith is statistically at least the second-best QB in the NFC. That's not a sentence anyone expected, and the team competing for a wild card slot is even more amazing. Thanks to a NY-Washington tie, Seattle has regained their spot as the 7th seed in the current playoff picture, but they'll need to close out the year strong to fend off competitors. Critical to this is for the defense to regain their strengths from the team's 4-game winning streak. It's a young unit, but one with thrilling potential. Denver's continuous plummet is also a massive boon for future draft prospects!
12CunninLynguists
A Piece Of Strange


Detroit Lions (+4)

The Lions never punted. It was constant scoring on every possession, demonstrating complete and utter dominance in a manner not often seen from Detroit. Part of this is due to an incredibly offense that can attack easily via the air and the ground, as well as young defensive pieces stepping up to the plate. While teams are busy triple-teaming Hutchinson (literally, yes), the door is open for fellow rookies to rush in and snag sacks. The team is coming into form at the best possible moment, and with a relatively light schedule heading forward. running the table is not out of the question.
11Alter Bridge
Blackbird


Baltimore Ravens (-1)

With Lamar potentially missing time, the woes of the Ravens continue to pile up. It is (thankfully) minor if reporting is to be believed, but even so, this team does not inspire confidence. Jackson has had a stretch of poor games, and his offense has responded in kind by dropping any crucial pass that comes their way. It's a perfect storm of bad, and it feels as though the squad is one bad day away from a collapse. There's a massive threat from the Bengals as they continue to fight for the division lead, and with the way both are playing, it feels like a slip is inevitable.
10Blind Guardian
Beyond the Red Mirror


Washington Commanders (-1)

Two bad things: the Commanders tied in what would have been a statement win over another division rival and would have grown their lead on the wildcard. Because of that, Seattle has now regained the edge over them for the 7th seed. The team must now play from behind now instead of controlling their own destiny, and with Dallas and the surging Niners on the schedule, things could get rough real fast. Heinicke at the helm means anything is possible, however, and Washington is loaded with enough playmakers to keep their hopes alive.
9The Offering
Home


New York Jets (+2)

I never quite know where to put the Jets. On one hand, their offense has some formidable weapons and their defense is elite-tier. On the other hand, they have a constant question mark at QB that holds them back from realizing their potential. Mike White is decent, but games like that are evidence of why he's a stopgap at best. They've still got a shot at the post-season, but the offense needs to amp up its clutch factor.
8Forest Stream
The Crown of Winter


Minnesota Vikings (-2)

Exactly who are the Minnesota Vikings? It's a question I find myself asking every day, and their games don't seem to provide many answers. It was a tough, grind-it-out game against the Jets that managed to morph into a W, but it definitely wasn't the prettiest affair. The team was at least able to prove, again, that it can win ugly under any circumstances.
7Wintersun
Wintersun


Buffalo Bills (+/-0)

Bills gave New England plenty of chances to win, but they were thankfully playing against the MATT PATRICIA Patriots, which is about the equivalent of an NFL team on training wheels but the wheels have holes in them. Ouch. Stefon Diggs is still a boss, Josh Allen is a tank, and the Bills have entirely reversed New England's prior dominance of them. That's always a fun plus to witness.
6Stratovarius
Nemesis


Miami Dolphins (-4)

For really the first time this year with Tua under center, Miami was entirely outclassed. The Niners shut down the explosive offense of the Dolphins and forced key mistakes, managing to score and pile on the points to punish any missteps. Even the best of teams have this rough games, but it was definitely a pretty strong smack in the face. Time to regroup and forge ahead.
5Persefone
Aathma


Kansas City Chiefs (-4)

Kansas has a Cincinnati problem. Mahomes is now winless against the Burrow Bengals, which is pretty bad news when you notice that Cincy is now within striking distance of the #1 seed. Kelce was entirely shut down and even had a crucial fumble that costed Kansas dearly down the stretch. The West is still essentially theirs, but now having dropped to Buffalo and Cincy, it seems as though the Chiefs are struggling to close out games against the tip-top of the league.
4Dear and the Headlights
Drunk Like Bible Times


Cincinnati Bengals (+4)
3Lupe Fiasco
DROGAS Wave


San Francisco 49ers (+2)
2The Callous Daoboys
Celebrity Therapist


Dallas Cowboys (+1)
1Noise Trail Immersion
Symbology of Shelter


Philadelphia Eagles (+3)
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