MarsKid
Mitch Worden
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Last Active 01-01-70 12:00 am
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MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 9

With us approaching the midpoint of the season, it's time to take a peek at where every team in the NFL stands so far. Who's a contender, who's a pretender, and who's just plain bad? I don't know, it's a weird year.
32Corey Feldman
Angelic 2 The Core


Houston Texans

Not much to say that hasn't already been said; this team is lifeless. The defense is bad. The offense is bad. The coaching doesn't seem to be trying. Davis Mills looks bad, although he has no weapons to help him beyond a struggling Brandin Cooks and (likely) insufficient coaching support. The fact they won a game is proof that miracles exist. With Caserio loading up on picks, the future COULD be bright, but the rebuild will still likely take 3-4 years to bear fruit.
31In Flames
Down, Wicked and No Good


Detroit Lions

Ouch. I mean, I expected the Hard Knocks hype to be too much and the young Lions team would still require patience, but it seems as though absolutely nothing has changed. Yes, the roster has holes and current pieces still needs development, yet there's no sense that the team is making forward progress in a way that could foster optimism. The offense is lethal, but entirely lacking in a clutch factor; Goff is great, until he suddenly isn't; the defense is historic levels of abysmal; and the coaching of Campbell remains suspect. If they cannot manage to close out games, this team will never crawl out of its perpetual basement.
30Architects
The Classic Symptoms of a Broken Spirit


Pittsburgh Steelers

Speaking of failing and/or lifeless teams... hi, Pittsburgh! Life after Ben has currently been a total disaster, much like the last few years of Ben's career--a drama-filled, under-achieving mess--and there are no signs of the organization taking any semblance of accountability. Tomlin is stagnating, as well as the defense when TJ Watt isn't on the field carrying the entire team. Pickett is letting everyone pick it when he throws, and yet he's somehow better than Mitch Trubisky. Even in a struggling AFC North, the Steelers have next to no chance of a post-season, and Tomlin's 'no losing record' accomplishment is in very real danger of falling apart. It's a disaster from top to bottom, and until someone makes a change, there's little hope for the future. Pickens is a stud, though!
29Meghan Trainor
Thank You


Jacksonville Jaguars

In hindsight, the Jags' wins over the Colts and Chargers said far more about those teams than it did Jacksonville. Let's get to the point: Trevor Lawrence is bad. He was given leniency for his year with Urban Meyer (lmao), but even with a competent coach in Doug Pederson, he has yet to show significant strides in his game. Even last year, Meyer cannot be scapegoated for the many head-scratching picks Lawrence tosses on the regular. The roster isn't necessarily bad--to his credit, Christian Kirk has been playing very well despite the jokes about his contract, and Etienne is emerging as a feature RB--but it's not complete yet and can't finish games. They've stayed competitive in all their losses, but how long until some of those close losses finally turn into wins?
28Lil Yachty
Lil Boat 2


Las Vegas Raiders

Man, was I waaay off on this team. I figured Josh McDaniels learned a lesson or two from his previous failures at the HC position, but I was evidently 100% wrong. On paper, this roster should NOT be translating to so many losses in winnable games, especially considering how well the team performed last year in the face of considerable adversity. That Saints game was telling; a potential momentum-building game against a struggling New Orleans team turned into an embarrassing blowout... going the other way. As much as I've defended Carr, he's absolutely part of the problem and looks exactly like the QB his detractors said he was. Nothing about this team indicates they can squeeze into a playoff spot. Only one question: if this persists, do you blow it all up? Josh Jacobs is a beast, at least.
27The Beatles
Yellow Submarine


Carolina Panthers

PJ WALKER IS THAT DUDE. I mean, a ~70 yard bomb and he hits the WR *in stride*? Insanity. Too bad about the rest of the game, though. These bottom few teams are very difficult to rank, but I give the edge to Carolina for showing some considerable life now that the stench of Rhule is out of the building. It's likely unsustainable, but in an awful NFC South, I'm far more optimistic about their chances to win games than the teams below them. Also worth noting that, by the rules, Moore shouldn't have even been called for a penalty. Rough draw, Panthers fans.
26Machine Head
Burn My Eyes


Indianapolis Colts

Here's the harsh truth, Colts: it's gotta get blown up. Reich, Ballard, Ryan? All out. It's going to be painful and it means another rebuild in a long list of them post-Luck retirement, but it's necessary. The team is under-performing from top-to-bottom outside of some surprisingly solid WR performances, most notably from Cincinnati rookie Alec Pierce. Somehow, an offensive line loaded with talent (on paper, at least) is getting absolutely bullied week in and week out without any signs of improvement. Ehlinger might have a future here, but he's been set up to fail. Now that playcalling duties are explicitly placed on Reich, the message from Irsay is clear: continue to lose, and you're out. Might be time to ready the tank brigade. Either way, this cycle of renting vet QBs needs to end, and stability at the position is crucial if the team wants to return to contending for the division.
25Linkin Park
A Thousand Suns


Denver Broncos

Broncos Country, Let's Ride!... into the void. Russel Wilson was never the caliber of player to save a franchise, but I highly doubt anyone expected a collapse this dramatic. The defense is an absolute monster of a unit, but injuries are piling up, and their consistent need to bail out a putrid offense whose hobby is going 3-and-out is causing them to tire out fast. Their only wins have been grueling, ugly affairs painful to watch besides the dads out there saying defense wins championships. Hackett is completely out of his depth and lacks any sort of coaching talent, although he cannot be 100% blamed for the times Wilson simply misses or doesn't read open receivers. They'll likely survive a few more wins, unlike their viewing audience, but they're going nowhere this year. How's that big contract feel now?
24Alestorm
Curse Of The Crystal Coconut


Tampa Bay Buccaneers

We will likely never know exactly what happened with Tom Brady's home life, but the optics are horrific; the man seemingly chose yet another year of football to avoid his wife and kids, culminating in a divorce. And for what? To be a part of one of the more painfully inept squads in the NFL? The running game is horrible, the passing game has no chemistry, the line is riddled with injuries and performing poorly, and the coaching qualifies as a Geneva Convention violation. Somehow, with how top-heavy the NFC is, the Bucs have a shot at a run, but their outing vs. Carolina seems indicative of worse things to come. When even Mike Evans is dropping passes, you know something is very, very off with this team.
23Kanye West
Donda 2


Los Angeles Rams

The Superbowl Hangover is brutal. A regression was expected, but the entire team looks broken and beaten down, from an increasingly worn Stafford to a WR corps that it Kupp and... well, Kupp. Nothing is going right for this team, and the talent isn't quite there to bail them out of tough situations, especially if Kupp's injury is long-term. The ring from last year will likely assist in curing some woes, but the ramifications of "fuck them picks" may be coming to collect sooner rather than later.
22DMX
Year of the Dog... Again


New Orleans Saints

A step back was expected, but the Saints took a bigger one than what was perhaps predicted. However, with Andy Dalton at the helm, the team at least seems competent, and that efficiency has generated some solid wins. He's far from flashy and prone to "Bad Andy" stretches--he single-handedly threw the Arizona game away (literally)--but his low-risk style is a safer bet than meme-QB Jameis Winston. The defense locked down a high-scoring Raiders offense and Chris Olave is becoming a star WR. There's something to build off of here, and it possibly bodes well for the rest of the season. Still a lot of questions, so this could easily go the other way.
21Cheekface
Emphatically No.


Arizona Cardinals

The team successfully rediscovered their offense! Is Deandre Hopkins open??? Toss it up, he'll get it! Did it work? No? Well fuck, there goes the season. Kliff Kingsbury continues to prove he cannot coach, Kyler Murray continues to prove Hopkins carries him (and Murray, in his own right, carries Kingsbury), the offense lacks chemistry, and so on. There's nothing about this team to make them seem stronger than the surging Seahawks or YAC monster that is the Niners. Do you hear that? It's the sound of another failed season.
20Lupe Fiasco
Lasers


Chicago Bears

Who called that Justin Fields would look the best of last year's QB class? Wilson is bad, Lawrence is bad, Lance is LMAO, Jones is bad, Mills is bad. Chicago is tailoring their offense to suit Justin's strengths, and with their recent trade for Chase Claypool, it's clear that the staff is invested in his development. They'll still need more offensive and defensive firepower, but of the problems on the rosters, Fields looks like he may not be one. It's another rebuild cycle for the Bears, and hopefully the new GM/coaching combo will make it work out.
19Five Finger Death Punch
American Capitalist


Green Bay Packers

As it turns out, Rodgers and Adams both needed each other to succeed. Without an elite WR to trust, Aaron is floundering and looks like a shell of his MVP self. Rookies aren't making plays and coaching seemingly avoids the team's best weapon in Aaron Jones--minus the Buffalo game, which could be a promising sign. It's a very frustrating time in the Bay, what with the offense stagnating horrifically and key players failing to meet expectations. There's a good chance the drama boils over, and with the Vikings commanding a sizable lead on the division, a wildcard might be their absolute ceiling.
18Guns N' Roses
Chinese Democracy


Cincinnati Bengals

Zach Taylor is a fraud. If not for the high-end talent of the Bengals' roster, he would have been rightfully fired, but now that he lucked his way to a near-SB victory, the team is likely trapped with him. There's nothing creative about the offensive scheme and players that should NOT struggle to get open cannot get open in it. Joe Mixon is not a good running back. The defense isn't getting enough pressure or enough sacks. And Burrow, as awesome as he can be, is prone to some simply awful stretches of play. This is not even mentioning an offensive line that, despite having considerable money invested in it, is somehow worse than last year. Joe is on pace for an Andrew Luck-type career until some drastic changes are made. As long as Taylor is at the helm, this team will languish in mediocrity. Rank 18 seems harsh, you think? As far as I can judge, this team inspires zero optimism and is horribly mismanaged--something a very flawed Cleveland squad exposed.
17In Flames
Siren Charms


Cleveland Browns

And here's Cleveland. Talent-wise and performance-wise, you fall here. In terms of your sexual predator at QB who you gave the biggest contract to and evidently don't mind supporting? Bottom of the league. Hope this 'experiment' is an absolute failure.
16Radiohead
OK Computer


New England Patriots

On a whim, Billy B engineered a QB controversy that will continue to follow this team like a dark cloud. Neither Jones nor Zappe look capable of taking a starting role, but analysts and talking heads already have the narrative and there's no closing that Pandora's Box. The team is painfully average in many regards, although the defense shows flashes of greatness, especially with Matthew Judon at the helm. Despite their flaws, the team isn't dead in the water just yet, and might still have some fight in them to go further.
15Code Red (JPN)
Buried in the Battlefield


Washington Commanders

Momentum is a hell of a drug. While the hatred of Snyder is consistently valid and should be encouraged--did I mention he needs to be rotting in a cell for the rest of his life?--his team has quietly reached a .500 record. A top-heavy NFC means this path could lead to a wildcard bid. So long as the front 4 remains strong and the high-end offensive talent sprinkles some luck on top, the season might endure into the postseason. If Heinicke can at least avoid mistakes, it's not an impossible task.
14Cliffdiver
Exercise Your Demons


New York Jets

The Jets flew too close to the sun. With a menacing defense, the team managed to walk away with some wins, but it's becoming apparent that Zach Wilson simply cannot make it as an NFL QB. His mechanics and decision-making are poor, and when you combine that with arrogance and ego, it's a recipe for collapse. It shouldn't have to be this way--that offense definitely has weapons, and James Robinson can easily take over after Breece Hall's injury--yet it fails to make drives and score points, leading to becoming one of the worst units in the NFL. That elite defense may manage to right the ship, but there are worrying cracks in the foundation. As Miami and Buffalo loom in the distance, it's easy to feel a bit worried about the trajectory of the team going forward.
13Metallica
Ride the Lightning


Los Angeles Chargers

Brandon Staley thanks his lucky stars every night for the existence of Josh McDaniels and Nathaniel Hackett. The man is what everyone thinks of when discussing an 'analytics coach': a fraud that bases impulse decisions on 'muh numbers' with zero consistency or regard for positioning, momentum, the other team--basically any other factor besides 'muh numbers.' Justin Herbert is wasting away in this environmen. The offense, though promising at times, has been devastated by injuries, while the improved defense has failed to actually improve. Their losses have been ugly and demonstrate a team brimming with talent but unable to capitalize. They're in a good position to turn it around, but they'll need to get healthy and chuck Staley into a volcano.
12Judas Priest
Screaming for Vengeance


Atlanta Falcons

Arthur Smith is dragging this roster kicking and screaming to .500. Even better: with how utterly terrible the NFC South has been, the Falcons are *leading* the division. Their flaws are numerous and they're definitely punching above their weight right now, but the fact that Smith has the team playing a full 60 minutes is impressive. This team is far from an easy out and actually exhibits an ability to close games that the Falcons of yesteryear would choke. It's a wonderful beginning for Atlanta, and hopefully something they can maintain. The only question: do you keep Mariota, or do you see what you have in Ridder? That might get answered sooner rather than later.
11Jay-Z
The Blueprint


San Francisco 49ers

"But wait!" you say, "the Niners lost to Atlanta? How are they above them?" I'm looking at the current state of affairs, which is that the CMC-boosted Niners would likely wipe the floor with Atlanta in a rematch. That being said, Jimmy G still leaves a lot to be desired as a QB, and San Fran's inconsistency issues remain. If they're able to be as lethal as they were last week, they could be a terrifying match-up for any time, especially when/if Deebo gets healthy. It will fall on Jimmy to play risk-free football and on Shanahan to not choke a lead or good season away. It's possible, and the potential is definitely there.
10Amia Venera Landscape
The Long Procession


Tennessee Titans

When it comes to ugly football, Mike Vrabel has a way of eking out wins. Despite the many flaws in the roster, scheme, and overall offensive performance, the Titans just keep winning. A sizable benefit in this regard is a gradually-improving defense; the front 4, led by the mountain that is Jeffrey Simmons, is great at applying consistent pressure. The secondary, while young, has gotten tighter in coverage, with Fulton and rookie Roger McCreary contributing greatly. The future depends greatly on the health of Ryan Tannehill; Malik Willis didn't inspire much confidence in his first NFL start. It's likely another heart-attack-inducing season for Nashville, but they tend to thrive when placed in such situations.
9Alter Bridge
Blackbird


Baltimore Ravens

Although sitting pretty atop the AFC North, the Ravens are a hard team to evaluate. They've got the wins, sure, but behind ever win and loss on their record is a massive collapse by the defense and an inability to score by the offense. Lamar is both brilliant and worrying at times, as is Harbaugh's decision-making and dedication to a scheme that seems to be getting outdated. They're definitely not a team to count out, but going forward, the team desperately needs to amp up their clutch factor and reliably close out games.
8They Might Be Giants
They Might Be Giants


New York Giants

The win streak had to end eventually. However, at 6-2, the G-men still remain in prime position to contend for both the division and the playoffs in general. What concerns some is whether or not the masterful coaching of Brian Daboll can continue to cover up the roster's clear flaws. The defense can lock down at a moment's notice, but the offense is in a dire position. Interestingly, it's not due to Daniel Jones; he's playing his best football ever, both in terms of passing and rushing. Saquon Barkely has also made a complete revival of his career and seems rejuvenated. The issue is everything else, such as a poor OLine and injured, undependable WR corps. They've proven they can win ugly, and in order to further succeed, that's likely what they'll need to do.
7...and Oceans
Cosmic World Mother


Seattle Seahawks

GE-NO! GE-NO! GE-NO! Who would've figured a man destined to be a career backup would suddenly revive his career? And not only revive, but show confidence and ability not witnessed before at the NFL level; he's throwing *dimes* on the regular. The roster is young and improving with each game, and the offense has a scary amount of firepower with a rising KWIII and the duo of Lockett/Metcalf. With Denver faltering, Seattle may come out of this with a playoff berth AND some sweet, sweet draft picks. Pete Carrol was right; they're not rebuilding, they're reloading.
6Stratovarius
Elysium


Miami Dolphins

Few rosters inspire fear like the Miami Dolphins. Waddle, Hill and Mostert are pure speed and will inevitably burn a defense no matter what. And if you somehow manage to cover them, the always-reliable Mike Gesicki is there to snag TDs and first downs alike. Tua himself has a lightning-quick release and deadly accuracy in short-to-mid range, allowing the speed demons to feast on YAC. They are, as of now, the only team to confidently stand up to Buffalo, but questions linger about Tua's health and consistency. If he can stay under center and just pilot the offense? The sky is the limit.
5Forest Stream
The Crown of Winter


Minnesota Vikings

It may be time to admit that Kirk Cousins is who people think Derek Carr is: a reliable, if not particularly flashy QB that may not deserve elite pay but is of a franchise quality. Cook, Thielen, and Jefferson make a terrifying trio, and the newly-acquired TJ Hockenson of Detroit could add an important safety valve to an offense slowly getting into a rhythm. Kirk has been his usual self, and the defense as managed to not let games slip away as they did last year. They're certainly inconsistent and leave a lot to be desired at times, but it's hard to deny that the Vikes are winning, winning, and winning. They've built a sizable lead in the North, including a division win over the Packers, which offers a nice cushion in case Green Bay figures their shit out. This new coaching staff has positioned themselves beautifully for future success. A big-time test versus Buffalo looms in Week 10, which will likely be very telling of how far the Vikes can go.
4Styx
Pieces of Eight


Dallas Cowboys

Uh-oh. The Cowboys might be good again. I fully predicted their defense to take a massive step back, yet they've miraculously managed to become seemingly more dangerous instead. With a healthy Dak back under center, Dallas looks like they're ready to try their hand at contending once again. Surrounded by a surprisingly strong Giants team and a dominating Philly crew, it'll be tougher than usual, but the talent is definitely there. The real dilemma, as always, is Mike McCarthy. The man did an admirable job letting the nation believe Cooper Goddamn Rush was a decent QB, but his past history always invites skepticism. If they can string together strong performances a la last week, Dallas could be better suited to go the distance this year than last year.
3Jeff Rosenstock
We Cool?


Kansas City Chiefs

In a twist more people really should have seen coming, the Chiefs still run the AFC West. It was theirs to lose, what with every other team seemingly stocking up on talent, and to the credit of Coach Reid and Patrick "I'm literally a fucking cheat code" Mahomes, the team looks as lethal as ever. JuJu, Kelce, and Valdes-Scantling are an amazing trio that is slowly gaining chemistry with each other. It falls upon a struggling defense to hold off the top of the league, lest the team finds themselves in a shootout week after week. They've proven they can still win those, and even dominate--ask the Niners how it went down--but it may be an Achilles heel in the postseason. As of now, few can face them down, and none in the West seem ready to usurp their stranglehold.
2Gyze
Fascinating Violence


Buffalo Bills

So far, the Josh Allen Bills have lived up to their newly-acquired hype. From offense to defense, it is one of the scariest rosters to face in the league, able to both score on a whim and instantly shut down the offense of an opposing team. When time is running out, the defense can make a clutch stop and Allen can easily march down any distance necessary. If there were a weakness, Green Bay potentially uncovered it: run defense. Aaron Jones and AJ Dillon had free reign all night, and the Bills lacked an answer to their attack. Under Sean McDermott, such faults can easily be addressed--but the potential chink in the armor is there. That crack notwithstanding, the Bills are perhaps the most intimidating team in the NFL right now. However, Miami, with a healthy Tua, is knocking on their door...
1Amorphis
Skyforger


Philadelphia Eagles

This year depended a fair amount on the progress of Jalen Hurts and whether or not he could be "the guy." That roster was stacked with offensive talent; it just needed a serviceable pilot. Hurts is at that level and then some, commanding respect with improved accuracy, decision-making, and his always-lethal running ability. AJ Brown is the x-factor the offense needed, and he has delivered with touchdowns aplenty. The team has demonstrated the capacity to win via defense and win via offense, and the leadership and scheming of Nick Sirianni is top-of-the-league excellent. They're still undefeated and have mostly streamrolled their way through their schedule. The only thing to do now is keep the momentum train rolling straight into the playoffs. With the Giants and Dallas not far behind, constant wins are required to secure NFC East dominance.
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