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For Tundra: How To Consume Metalcore

you dumb bitch
1Helpless
Caged In Gold

*quotation mark* Johnny do you even like metalcore is my question *end quotation mark*

Yes! Metalcore is good and also sometimes absolutely awful! The weekend has just started, so as a friendly favour here is a drastically necessary guide to telling arsehole from areola and consuming it responsibly (+ miscellaneous wider self-improvement shit damn do you not deserve me)

Some of the albums on this list are metalcore, but, genius boi that you are, you may notice that some are not. At these points, please refer to the title and remember that they, for reasons deep and profound, will nonetheless aid you on your quest to (correctly) listen to those stallion pog champion records that *are* core. If this is confusing, just imagine you're constipated and want to eat pizza but cannot. Instead, you ingest a laxative. It is not pizza, but you know that one day you'll be eating proud again.

This list is in reverse chronological order to minimise the number of cognitive steps you have to take to remove yourself from whatever incorrigible headspace you're in right now

Start with this record it is good boilerplate math-grind and you need to stabilise, fast.
2Pupil Slicer
Mirrors

I've got no issue with shirking the genuinely disjointed arm of mathcore, but unfortunately the only way to make up for this is to listen to twice as much disjointed mathcore. Sod's game.
3Methwitch
INDWELL

Lol so you think you have the stomach for the 1% of condonable material to have ever come out of deathcore - go right ahead sugar
4Seizures
Reverie of the Revolving Diamond

Fauxjazzcore is an absolute must for anyone with a permadork pie chart slice as gaping wide as yours - an excuse to spam bullshit you don't really understand about technicality *and* to hate on the jazz greats for some incomprehensible reason that you'll doubtless figure out on your own? Two birds in one stone.

If you want people to think you have a sense of humour (improbable), listen to Midori.
If you want people to think you're in on a joke they aren't (probable) listen to The Process of Weeding Out.
If you want to sell out on all your bratty little principles and do something exciting with your e-presence for the first time in X years (pathetic but also based), listen to Saccharine Trust
5Save Us From the Archon
How Terrible, The Undergrowths Jaws That Tangle.

So you're conversant in We Wrote All Our Instrumentals In MIDI Pencil On Garageband -core and think this is an excuse not to arbitrarily namedrop David Lynch and Antonioni on the third downbeat every other bar of 7/16 meter mouthbreathing? The kind of plebs they allow onto this site these days disgusts me.
6Mendel
Subliminal Colors

Civilising influence for progcore. Polka interludes are for incurable turbovirgins. The only djentists who can sustain cultured discourse long enough to get laid are the ones with a bastion of contemporary classical hanging off the back of their rear lobes and zero male friends to share their anxieties with. Do not try this yet as we are only at step #6.
7Oh Sleeper
Children of Fire

This record came out in 2011 and there is a 100% chance you would have 5'd it there and then had you been alive to bear witness (this is a Jesus album and oh baby, take what salvation you can get).
8Down I Go
Gods

This band-album name combination is a reference for the only thing that has ever mattered re. romantic prospects and you're either on it or you ain't
9Dir En Grey
Dum Spiro Spero

At this point I'm going to break my own rule and represent a Japanese band for pure totemic value. The reason? Holy fetid fuck, your 5slist is the single most caucasian thing I have seen in my life, I feel so sick I could projectile vomit every last scrap of kale on sale in Europe at my laptop monitor right now. Sort yourself out.
10Burmese
Lun Yurn

I don't what fucked up masochistic shit has lead you to bait the kind of open flagellation you've been reaching for on the daily this year, but if 76 straight minutes of noisecore doesn't satiate it, I don't know what will.
11Daughters
Hell Songs

We now come to the fascinating category of Problematic Shitbags Who Make Better Music Than Artists You Actually Enjoy (not for the first time on this list, as you may have been sharp enough to notice re. Seizures, but you've spent long enough apologising for Mark Holcomb that I'm sure your skin's thick enough to handle that).

It's a classic bind - the honey is sweet but the bee is a sex offender and you're old enough to know that bees make honey. What to do? Well, the trick here is to do this fantastically difficult thing called Shut The Fuck Up And Have No Opinion For A Little Bit. It's like turning a small portion of your sentience off (make sure you have enough left for basic respiratory functions!) and allowing a little cognitive dissonance to smooth over the gap where all those horrific character insights and points of art-to-creator formal interrelation come in.

If this gives you a headache or otherwise strains your cognition, then Jesus F Christ for the love of God please stop before the situation deteriorates and whatever unhinged state you monkeytype the majority of your comments in exposes itself to the sound of Daughters, I will not be held responsible for making a monster.
12Comity
...As Everything Is A Tragedy

Pro-tip: if you're going to pretend to be above the only consensus favourite mathcore bands in the genre that matter, the only records you should be repping are the ones wayward enough to make their audience forget everything they thought they knew about it to begin with (this will have the delicious satisfying side-effect of making your commentary thereupon seem three times more coherent than it actually is)
13Bullet For My Valentine
The Poison

I am compassionate and feel that you may be in need of comfort by this point. AgentDeathbat adores this band, so I'm sure you'll do just fine by them too.
14SikTh
The Trees Are Dead and Dried Out, Wait for Something Wild

If you're going to make a point about the motorway-sized chip on your shoulder about laws of djent elitism incomprehensible even to the tiny minority of humans spangled enough to enjoy those sounds to begin with, at least have a decency to cite the only band ever to have played it with the kind of personality you'd want to share a pint with.
15Knut
Challenger

Fortunately for you, I used up the joke I had locked in for this back on #8 so you get to kick back and enjoy it with no strings.
167 Angels 7 Plagues
Jhazmyne's Lullaby

No pretending to be a Misery Signals fan if this isn't in your wheelhouse - it's not a demanding code of ethics.
17Asterisk*
Dogma I: Death of a Dromologist

Ugh, it hurts my heart to that see someone as impressionable as you in the business of fellating weirdo hardcore acts from Umeå that nobody in their right mind would genuinely enjoy, but if you're going to go there at least choose a band that has had half an original thought between them on at least one occasion.
18Nevermore
Dreaming Neon Black

And now come to the only good progressive metal act ever to have existed, just you *wait* til you see my invoice for this shit.
19Coalesce
0:12 Revolution in Just Listening

This obligatory forefather mathcore band is inbred, southern and muscular as all hell - if you are somehow still in need of personality kinks at this point, here is where you find them.
20Deadguy
Screamin' With the Deadguy Quintet

Has this tasty EP from this pioneering band aged well? I cannot say, but let's end on a high note and remember together that the word ungodly is a poor choice to represent a quantification of the word boring.

This list ends here...
21Rites of Spring
Rites of Spring

...but if you feel like processing it via a good old-fashioned cry, this should tide you over.
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