giving 4 reviews to albums only 3 people in the world have heard

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News Articles 85
Band Edits + Tags 478
Album Edits 409

Album Ratings 2601
Objectivity 75%

Last Active 12-08-21 10:01 am
Joined 05-29-11

Forum Posts 386
Review Comments 43,019

11.23.21 Save the 2021 Staff list 11.11.21 Radiohead・Stereolab [deathmatch]
11.02.21 >>>>buying gf 10.24.21 All Kayo Dot trax ranked 2021
10.19.21 Cringe index: Best New Music 09.29.21 SPUT ROYALE: FINAL (results)
09.27.21 SPUT ROYALE: FINAL09.23.21 SPUT ROYALE: Round 6 (½ final)
09.20.21 SPUT ROYALE: Round 5 (¼ final)09.19.21 SPUT ROYALE: Round 4B (playoff)
09.17.21 SPUT ROYALE: Round 4A09.16.21 SPUT ROYALE: Round 3 Group B
09.14.21 SPUT ROYALE: Round 3 Group A09.12.21 SPUT ROYALE: Round 2 Group B
09.09.21 SPUT ROYALE: Round 2 Group A09.07.21 SPUT ROYALE: Round 1 Group D
09.05.21 SPUT ROYALE: Round 1 Group C09.02.21 SPUT ROYALE: Round 1 Group B
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40k comments / 2.5k ratings / ? wells

Hiya Sput, I am old. OLD! This account is 10 yrs old (yikes), it now has 40000 comments (fuck) and I have only just landed the puny, puny milestone of 2500 ratings (pathetic). This calls for a list! Here it is: a loose ranking of the 2001st thru 2500th albums I've rated ft. a load of pasta comments people have made in reference or resistance to me over the years. I hope you enjoy them.

99Ichiko Aoba
Windswept Adan

Johnny just get a fuckin grip and have fun with music instead of walking around by the heck of being different
98Cult of Luna
The Raging River

The reviewer might actually be semi-retarded. This album rips. Clean your vaginas out ya bozos.
Mezcal Head

I will not be coerced into taking responsibility for helping you improve your taste in bands with Japanese people in them
Pink Flag

this guy's really out here talking about satan and the class struggle on a hannah diamond review
95Drinking Boys And Girls Choir
Marriage License

it’s almost surreal how much i hate you
94Wolves in the Throne Room
Primordial Arcana

literally put my hands together and prayed this wasn’t a johnny review when I read the summary
At Action Park

You are quite unprofessional and keep in mind that we’re doing all in our reaches to make your ratings not count towards Metacritic. You were very biased and that did upset a lot of people, I mean, A LOT OF PEOPLE, so deal with the consequences.
Dangerous Days

Also I didn't realize there were restrictions in what shows up on staff review highlights that's actually pretty useful we should apply that to anything produced by the entire staff team besides you and acad
91Herbie Hancock
Empyrean Isles

Just stupid to pollute album discussion with obvious negative bias
90Black Tambourine
Throw Aggi Off The Bridge

Lmao Jesus this review Johnny u big bully
89Albert Ayler
Spiritual Unity

@JohnnyoftheWell Based on the ratings of the individual songs you actually got a 2.5 review there and not a 2. Of course you're going to have opinions on each individual song but I'm just saying assigning ratings to each individual track doesn't make sense if you are not going to evaluate the final result based on that. But hey if that's how you feel about it then whatever, man.
88Black Eyes
Black Eyes

No need to undermine earnest art to make a flippant comment based on otherwise valid opinions about the album's quality but then johnny wouldn't be able to comment at all
87Indigo Jam Unit

One of the worst reviews I have seen on this site. Makes Electric City's edgy review on Unknown Pleasures look better and I thought that was edge lord material. You sound like a pretentious brat.
86Cocteau Twins
Love's Easy Tears

Amateur grammar vigilante is a nice turn of phrase so kudos, but what on earth is "woodtouching"?

hand to god, I was about to leave a comment saying “I know johnny is tempted to end one of his comments with ‘but go off’ and he’s holding back” lmao
84Orchestra Goldberg
Kleftico Vlachiko

I love u fake johnny
83Kero Kero Bonito
Civilisation II

Catching up on the thread. Potts and Johnny might have convinced me to drop my rating to a 2.
82Choi Joonyong and Jin Sangtae
Hole In My Head

"everyday life is not a rock record"

Yeah it is.

Stop pretending you know everything about everything, you don't.
Milk Man

johnny you're a synecDOUCHE
80King Crimson

Nah. Johnny is just trying to bully the weak into pretending to like the stuff that he pretends to like

johnny i definitely have a level of appreciation for the past, it's just that I'd like to think my views on music are more in the realm of, I guess forward thinking.
78Tropical Fuck Storm
Deep States

Johnny, ngl im kinda worried about u
77Ornette Coleman
The Shape of Jazz to Come

Johnny I feel like I understand you less with every list you make
76Son Lux
At War With Walls And Mazes

Serenade In Red

I'm glad Johnny complimented my reviews to offset the diss to my hair
Truant/Rough Sleeper

rip ⚰️ condolences to false Johnny’s [s]friends[/s] and family
73Junior Varsity KM
Taking Care of You (Bliss Out, Vol. 10)

johnny are you okay yknow you (and anyone who has me on discord) can message me any time yall're down this bad
72Dale Kerrigan
Noise Bitch

tl;dr Johnny is weeb also insane
71The Klezmatics
Jews With Horns

you're pretty upset. do you meditate
70Roselit Bone
Crisis Actor

The fact that they come from the same general area and have a somewhat (superficially) similar sound isn't necessarily significant; perhaps some people are reading a narrative of a "scene" and "torch-passing" into that. If that's not the intention--that the quality standard is only supposed to be a "vague" one as defined by Western internet nerds divorced from context--then I see it as a no more insightful statement than "this is some of the best Japanese noise rock around", which more effectively conveys that idea than some reference to five random bands that don't necessarily represent that standard. Consider again the comparison of Jeff Rosenstock to those bands I mentioned. All are "loosely comparable and highly regarded within western discussion circles", yet they would never ordinarily be mentioned together; it would be strange to do so. I'm not convinced that mentioning LE, MxBx, OB, Midori and Bleach together is any different.
"Namedropping" is not somehow wrong or prohibited, but I do think it's often bad writing to do so.

Take a shot every time a band is name dropped, whoops you died
68David Bowie
Hunky Dory

Can we pollute the front page with a few more tentenko reviews plz
67Kruder and Dorfmeister

wash your kimono
66Ned Rothenberg
Inner Diaspora

funny that you basically took the one gripe i had about the album (songwriting) and essentially harangued it to a 2 rating lol
65Kayoko Yoshizawa
Akahoshi Aoboshi

Am I the only one tired of this fuck head yet. Jesus he’s more insufferable than sowing
Chaos Is Me

didn't read everything johnny said but I'm agreeing with all of it anyways
63The Blood Brothers

I didn't even need to read this review to know this "reviewer" is a complete tool
62Sweet Trip
A Tiny House, In Secret Speeches, Polar Equals

that was one of the worst comments I've ever had the displeasure of reading in its entirety.
61Naftule Brandwein
Turkische yalle vey uve / Heiser bulgar

johnny just revives this thread like every month so he can talk more shit on it, it's remarkable
1000 Hurts

@JohnnyoftheWell Sure, however if one limits the juxtapositions one can make, to be between whatever the dominant culture considers 'high' or 'low art' seems artistically inhibiting. Wouldn't it be far more aesthetically liberating to just do away with limited categories and biased binaries? Besides, wouldn't one's adherence to that binary within their artistic process not also create the risk of reproducing the very limitations that distinction could place upon the art itself, something I reckon isn't necessarily subversive to begin with, certainly not from a postmodern perspective.

the fact that ghostb1rd hates it basically guarantees that you'll love it johnny this is a huge no brainer plus the singer is Japanese
58United Nations
Never Mind the Bombings, Here's Your Six Figures

Satirical review what ever, still bad and unfunny, its missed on its fundamental purpose
57John Zorn

Couldn’t be anymore autistic, Johnny. It was a general response to incessant shitposting, but it seems like I struck a nerve.
56Hibari Misora
Kawa no Nagare no You ni/Uramado

I have to admit, I'm a bit envious of somebody being to able to reach for the correlations your reaching for in this review. I feel like I'd be the new Mr. Bungle if I could reinterpret music to this degree and call it an unsubtle replication.

I somehow imagine Jack Antonoff having to read all of this horribly "edgy and try hard" review and thinking : "can't belive this salty fat dude spent 2 hours writing so much shit for an absolute useless music review site, what a great life he must have".
The Galilean Satellites

Thanks for name dropping me in your elaborate shitpost, Johnny

disgusting. taylor doesn’t need you to succeed
I Could Live in Hope

51Four Tet
There is Love in You

This is the kind of review that's 99% of the way to being a masterpiece of freeform critical prose but that missing 1% renders it totally worthless.

Do you produce your criticisms by the ass? They may only have listened to Chemtrails in the ass, you fucking sons of bitches
New Light

do not get me started on you Johnny, you weeb fuck, giving 4 reviews to albums only 3 people in the world have heard. You listen to fucking Asnikko unironically. Giving shit a 0.5 just to piss people off perfectly demonstrates the capabilities of how shit of a person you are.
48State Faults

also replace Johnny with Colton in staff and I’m not even kidding
47Kashiwa Daisuke
Program Music III

By his own design Johnny exemplifies the self-aware self-referencing artsy meme wankjob people hate about Black Country New Road
46Limited Express (has gone?)
perfect ME

45Xiu Xiu

Much as I'd love to follow through and meme myself to death for all 100 entries of this long, long list, I've been a sarky, sarky bum lately and am not blind to the intermittent grains of truth in *some* of those lovely posts. Being sardonic/cynical/ironic/whatever feels fun and natural to me on the whole, but it's not fun for it to be /too/ natural, as I'm sure many of you will relate to.

I guess I've been treading that line particularly finely of late - I don't think this is outright tox, but I'd like to keep it that way and reckon I owe Sput a good ol' candid before irony takes over again. Probably a little indulgent, but I'm already indulgent enough in other ways that a little transparency can't hurt for once. So, uh, frank personal milestone reflections: begin!
44The Beach Boys
Pet Sounds


Back when I signed up as a Contrib, I was (shock horror) mainly motivated to fill in gaps in the site’s Japanese archives and to spread a little more active interest - or at least awareness – in Japanese artists among the community. This coincided with much of my own discovery, which amounted to one long ditsy voyage of discovery, and it was a real joy to be able to (try to) give as much as I took with that music.

As I got stuck further into the site and realised what kind of music was being pedaled through the features queue (read: indie pop/folk, alt metal and latedays rock, all of which sounded insipid as all hell to my ears), I picked up a dubiously healthy chip on my shoulder and wanted to promote better badder kvlter sounds over constipated latte fodder, and you know how that goes.
43The Ronettes
...Presenting the Fabulous Ronettes Featuring Veronica

This was bitter and often silly, but I’d like to think I chandelled it down the right paths. The further I followed them, the more I started to fixate on how to write about music to begin with; writing kinda emerged as a motivation in and of itself at some point, and between those three strands you can triangulate why I wanted to challenge myself (and the site) and shoot for staff
Ming Ming

I don’t relate to these motivations nearly as much now. I think Japanese music is much better represented here than it used to be, and I’m not invested in trying to monopolise that anymore (plus Japan’s had a slow year so far); on the other hand, I don’t have any major axes to grind with any frontline writers now. I’m proud of what I bring to the staff taste pool, and I’m proud of what everyone else contributes – being a Contrib was like having a ladder to climb, being a first-year staffer was like having a mark to make, but now tbqh I’m just happy being on the same team as everyone else.

I’ll still inevitably dump on the oversaturation of metal in this year’s year-end list or the next time Sowing insta-5s the next 3-chord bedroom folk record that vaguely invokes the spirit of Covid, but I’ve made my peace with the former paying the site bills and, well, gotta concede that Sowing’s had more fire behind all that smoky, smoky hype than any other year I can remember. No beef with the way those wheels do be rollin’.
40The Beatles
Abbey Road

However, this all has the side-effect that I don’t [think I] have any particular agenda now other than the whims of my taste, its corresponding dispositions for/against certain trends, and a continually gnawing need to keep myself entertained. Writing and music are both still super important to me, but this had made me much more mindful of how fine the balance can be between respecting/intuitively loving music in the broadest generalest heart-on-sleeveest sense, and consuming/critiquing it like a pissy dom over a dead horse. Shit's not all entertainment.

Contrary to a certain melodramatic, not to mention considerably fatigued, take I posted a month or so ago, I’m not burnt out, but I *am* more mindful that having a positive/enriching relationship with music is nothing to take for granted and it’s best to respect that if you take the time to tune into something with your own personal precious ears.
39Japanese Breakfast


I’m a bored bored boi right now and have been for a few months. This is partly the work of a long pandemic summer holiday, but I think I might have spent long enough in Japan for now. I’ve got a comfortable life here, but there’s nothing much pushing or challenging me outside of my own Japanese language self-study.

This has turned into a slow patch: I don’t read enough, I don’t think enough when I’m not writing, I don’t practice the guitar or write music enough, and I don’t socalise enough in the short term (there’s a post-Olympic Covid hangover here and both restrictions and statistics alike are about as bad as they’ve ever been).
38Marilyn Mazur
All the Birds: Reflecting / Adventurous

Most likely going to get my arse back to the UK and track down some more exciting work next year, but for the time being I’m just trying to stay vaguely motivated and un-malaise’d. So hooray for that. Dunno if anyone’s going to bother reading this far, but I do appreciate this site and its community a great deal even if I sarc over it beyond the borders of taste and wisdom – chalk that up alongside the Power of Music as something I don’t plan on taking for granted so much.

Thanks for...being there, I guess? Won't do individual acknowledgements because I don't like omitting people and I hope the folks I consider friends here are already well aware of that, but if you're someone I don't dislike and have been curt or dismissive to at some point, then I apologise and will do my best to present a friendlier and more forthcoming face in future. I'm still a cynical piece of shit, but I don't think I'm a nihilist or a misanthrope, and it's no fun for anyone to bring too much of that energy.
For Lovers / 恋人へ

Candidpost over. Peace

For those not partial to that genre, here’s a copypasta of my final correspondence with Aiwaz, unedited minus one img file, as deposited over the course of one 12 minute take into my discord inbox. Enjoy with caution:
36Naftule Brandwein
Kallarash / Rumeinishe doina

no comment
look i know whats going on man
im not retarded
art invited you
you never talk
all my friends are leaving
just come clean
you never once messaged me "sup" or "what album you listening to?"
i get it dude
just go lol
if you want to know more come in micsd
or just leave
dude i don't even know your middle na,e
you say i troll?
if i did you know it man
im old dude i dont got time for that shit
2 sentences
not even
just one sntence and a "huh?"
jac hates me man
he is jealous of my discord or was, he ruined it
he brainwahsed my friends
i dont go on that site anymore dude
i had fun with the joe rogan thing but after that i havent even logged in
i deleted it from my bookmarks
good site, shit people
the best thng i ever posted as a joke and its serious
no comment?
btw you need a lowercase "j" for your name to be large, as of now its medium
ask Jom he'll do it
tell your faggot friends to stop pretending to be me thanks
especially Faguibim
the worst person ever on the internet, dude needs to take some buckshot to the head
piece of shit
you arent talking i dont trust you anymore, bye
35The Cure
Seventeen Seconds

What does that leave us with? Hmm.

Here is a deeply embarrassing post I made in 2012:
Pits Are the Pits (25 Gold = Rare = Debris...

Here is a BOP the vice-principal at my school got me into:
33Faye Wong

And here is a deeply hilarious combinations of links pertaining to the band Trophy Scars that you have heard of (do em in order, ctrl+F "myspace" on both)
32The Cure
The Head on the Door

mort. please come back
Kyokutou I Love You

Out of ideas so let's play the genre game to see off the rest of this fuckin LIST! What a list hot damn, feast and plunder hear ye!
30Today Is The Day
Sadness Will Prevail

noise rock/sludge/experimental tragedy mess mesh
29Blanck Mass
World Eater



death fucking emo lofi noisecore
26Scratch Acid
Scratch Acid

noise fking punk rock
Liminal Space

breakcore meltphace idm
24Wolves in the Throne Room
Two Hunters


slowcore/space rock
Things We Lost in the Fire

s l o w c o r e
Youth of America

post punk
20The Prodigy
Music for the Jilted Generation

DANCE/big beat/breaks
19Trophy Scars
Darkness, Oh Hell

evil tom waits growls
18The Wrens
The Meadowlands


glitch pop/ambient pop
16Joni Mitchell

15Xploding Plastix
Amateur Girlfriends Go Proskirt Agents

trip-hop/big beat/breaks
14The Flashbulb
Kirlian Selections

idm/ambient/breakcore/classical/gaming music
13Nick Cave and Warren Ellis

postmodern singersongwritercomposer stress vent
12Flipper's Guitar
Doctor Head's World Tower

shibuya kei/psychedelic pop
Satin Black

shoegaze/drone/post rock

Fast Forward Eats the Tape

post hardcore/tech skate punk

prog/tech death
Live I

noise rock/psych/blues
6Black Sabbath
Master of Reality

heavy m- metal
5Arab Strap
As Days Get Dark

slowcore/synth pop/indie pop
4The Beatles
Magical Mystery Tour

psych pop/rock
3Seiko Oomori

alt j-pop
2Les Rallizes Denudes
'77 Live

noise rock/psych
An Evil Heat

noise rock
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