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03.30.21 Q1 //ofthe__Well 03.26.21 Black Midi ranked
03.14.21 Sputnik User Pokédex: OFFICIAL 02.28.21 [IMPORT2NT] Colton or CoQton?
02.11.21 END OF THE ROAD (well #2222) 01.25.21 [IMPORTANT] Colton unmasked
01.09.21 INDIE census (register now) 12.30.20 _well2020 TOP 100 (2/2)
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10.12.20 road to 2000_wells 10.11.20 SPUT ROYALE: FINAL (RESULTS!)
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Black Midi ranked

This is a ranking of the London-based experimental rock English band Black Midi, stylised in lowercase. The UK mob have been at the forefront of discussion ever since their pioneering opus Schlagenheim which debuted their career with German flair. Today we will look at all the Black Midi albums.
20Blanck Mass
Animated Violence Mild

Genres: Multiple
Jank: Generous
Rating: 2.4/5

In hindsight this one was something of a misstep. Since they cater to the unknown, Black Midi's appeal has always been broad and sophisticated, but in this case they paid too much mind to the proliferation of shittier energy drinks among their zoomer trash vanguard and doubled down on milquetoast gym music. Please, Mr. Midi - your music is for all ages!
19Black Midi

Band: Black Midi
Written by: Black Midi
For fans of: Black Midi
Nuance: Singular

The debut album of Black Midi was released for the first time on June 21st 2019, not bad for a first album! The title translates as "Beathouse" and the beats are quite propulsive. Kinetic. This record does everything and it has many strengths. Does its number of strengths counteract its compromising Lego odour of manufactured artschool portfolio burnout? Well, Rome wasn't built in a day - the consensus is still clenching, the skidmarks are still fresh. Some of the journalists who wrote or indeed thought about this album have in fact listened to rock music since OK Computer, but don't you dare tell anyone. Schlagenheim is a hard 3 lmao.
- Black Midi
18Black Country, New Road
For the first time

Rateyourmusic: irrelevant
Black Midi namedrops: probably more than 1
True rating: 1.5
Reasonable rating: 2.5 thru 3.7
Fakebitch rating: 4+
Production: serviceable

Black Country, New Road's first debut album has embarrassed pretty much everyone: its embarrassed humourless indie purists, it's embarrassed slacklegged polygenre gatekeepers, it's embarrassed those who have never heard a klezmer record in their lives, it's embarrassed those who pretend they know what Spiderland sounds like, and it's embarrassed the band themselves. Jfc the amount of post-self-aware metatextual intracanonical monochrome Tetris going on here has enough wank to kill a horse.

The way literally everyone has reacted to this album makes me ill. I hate it.

In an *exceedingly* rare turn of events, the only person not embarrassed in any way, shape or form here is the Sputnikmusic journalist Rowan5215, whose unhysterical review has since been the source of international consternation. Okay album!
17Venetian Snares
Cavalcade of Glee and Dadaist Happy Pom Poms

Release date: 28th May 2021
Meter: 17/8
Hornets: 3
Collaborators: Confidential

Always felt this one was a teensy bit underrated. Aged surprisingly well, particularly by Black Midi's standards.
16Joy Division
Unknown Pleasures

Importance: documented
Pleasures: verifiable
Pleasure: debatable
Verdict: known

While it's far from the most significant release within Black Midi's discography, Unknown Pleasures does pose a precedent of sorts to their legacy. Remember when Interpol released their first album and typewriters all over New York became insalvagably sticky? That is Black Midi London is now New York, postpunkrevival is now fauxavant and Unknown Pleasures is the best Slint album.
15Albert Ayler
Spiritual Unity


This album is cool and influential, so much so that it made it to #12 on this steeply competed list ! But does it really belong here? Maybe most of us should listen to it more, but Black Midi need to jam it less often and stop releasing John L for like the fiftymillionth time it is unfair to the people who will unknowingly call it 'free jazz' in front of their parents or significant others. 3 jazz more like LOL.
The Great Annihilator

Legacy: #4
Allegations: More than sufficient
Ranking: #13 scrobbles: 0

I loved how these guys had a tie-in on the same 13 Reasons Why episode as Black Midi. Now that's what I call postmodern.
13Kino (Rus)
Gruppa krovi

Создание полностью русского альбома, должно быть, было нелегким делом, учитывая, что группе еще предстояло выучить язык, но, как это сделали бы все хорошие пионеры британской школы, они зашнуровали свои ритмические сапоги и вступили в новую волну. Это был разделительный альбом для их поклонников, которым еще предстояло решить, нравится ли им слушать музыку с включенными субтитрами very cosmopolitan good Brit spirit up by the bootlaces.
You Won't Get What You Want

Resemblance: 3.0
File under: Troubled Artiste
Grit: extra fine
Appeal: naive

People never give Black Midi's glam rock credits the credentials they deserve. Let's hear it for them: glam rock! Those dirty filthy posers. How marvellous. Now sold out of impersonating Elvis over Melt-Banana's vacuum cleaner, Daughters deserve to be viewed through similarly serious spectacles to Black Midi. They are masters of 4K and dry ice and deserve every BRIT award 'ave at it hollaholla.
11This Heat
This Heat

Apocalypse: survivor
Authenticity: experimental
Nuances: 102,499
Contours: 0

One of the urdaddies of the Black Midi canon, This Heat surely have the most progeny of any band to sacrifice their fertility to wave upon wave of undomesticated feedback. Maybe today's Black Midi keep their distortion levels, room ambience and pedal sequences locked down tighter that a pope's bastard, but (um.) they're still plenty experimental? Please check your local radiation levels at all time.
As the Love Continues

Chart Position: #1
Population of Scotland: 5,463,300 + 1 (budgie's sister)
Horsemen: four

Yer in a band. So fking what. Want me to listen - pah phat chance! Want me kids to listen? Phuck outta here. What'sthat? Post-something. Now listen ere you play post-ANYTHIN and I'll show you where you can stuff that artsyfartsy artschool good for nuffin artwank flimflam pastiche comodified product rubbish for the love of gawd i CANNOT STANDoh come again it sounds like Mogwai go'on then whats the wors that can happen
9Common Holly
When I say to you Black Lightning

Age: not what you think
Background: murky
Fans: nvr u mind


it's rly hard to be cool on social media when everyone else is doing it hu
At Action Park

Availability: record store
Married: who's asking
Hz: 1000
Pheromone: hot

Raw, dissonant, angry, aggressive, male vocals, rhythmic, sarcastic, repetitive, atonal, minimalistic, misanthropic, vulgar, uncommon time signatures, noisy, hateful, heavy. I know what you’re thinking, that’s a Black Midi album if I’ve ever heard one. But here they tune the black notch up even further, crafting an album of disconnected post-hxzdcore “jams” one wouldn’t normally associate with the Midi’s elegant breed of punkhouse appropriation. Opener “My Black Ass” is a screwy wink in that direction. Of course, this was the era which saw the Midi’s in a battle of bands as such, as famed critique-of-jay-z-tidal Steve Albini accused the band of stooging. Who's stooge.
7The Jesus Lizard

Walls: erect
Wattage: On
Truth: Dare
Base: 4th

Much like Black Midi, the Jesus Lizards are an important band and have influenced generations of noise rockers for decades to come. Jglizz are less horny than Black Midi but also less rich, so I suppose that makes sense. Yknow what they say, it's a man's game but a boy's market. Good butt rock.
6Talking Heads
Remain in Light

Polyvalence: culturally appropriated
Earnestness: tantamount
Zoo quotient: 77777,777,124 avaries

talking heads are a difficult band to talk about, if you're paying it much mind
if you're paying it much mind you'll know that black midi are difficult to talk about
but talking heads are a difficult band to talk about for more reasons because
RHYTHMS how do you talk about BEATS people should not talk about GROOVES
people should not talk RHYTHMS they should DANCE them and this is the core of
well, i say the core of
YES the core of
why talking heads are such a difficult band to talk about
music is science and science is mathematics
and can we ever talk in mathematics
that is at the heart of rhythm.
do you feel it?

black midi are good at toms and castanets in multiple meters. good math rock
5Sonic Youth

Attitude: uhuh
Goo: Sex
Demo.: Young mamas and papas. They don't know this yet!
年齢:too fucking young

The concept of selling out for the Midi’s at this point of their career was one mathematically un-falsifiable sum away from impossibility. No matter what, their undeniable New York London cool was a spanking certainty. Christ, they were named after a Japanese music genre for based sake (black MIDI). Despite this, Kool Thing was released as first single and was a quantifiable fan-splitter. Of course, fans and “haters” alike revered Geordie Greep’s bloody impressive impersonation of Public Enemy’s Chuck D but the song was just a bit, er, NME friendly. The album followed suit. The verdict was still out. But then, like a flash of medical hope upon a decaying relative, the Midi’s saved face. In 91’ a year after the contentious Goo, they famously appeared in an interview with Nardwuar where they bullied the host, laughing at his quirk and breaking a record he had gifted them into many pieces (sources close to the band say this was Gang of Four’s entertainment which is one album we think the band did not make). It did make them cool again, however. #5
Ordinary Corrupt Human Love

Acclaim: unconditional
Subcultural impact: critical
Analysis: groundbreaking
Actual cultural weight: are u fucking kidding me

In every watershed cultural transfer comes a point where yesterday's grindhouse disappears into tomorrow's latte. Black Midi were built for success and their time is the threshold of time. If it is too spicy for you, you've missed the action. If it's too bland for you, you're living in the past. Can you see through this? Do you care to peer really, really, reaaaaaaally closely and brush aside the fart-in-an-icecream-cone Pink Floyding and get to the essence. Can you pin down innovation that easily? You cannot fight a force that has already determined the future of your demographic. Ordinary Corrupt Human Love is a fucking travesty of an album, especially by Black Midi's standards, but it gets many many extra points for shadowboxing kudos. Avoid it while you can!!

Bands: 1
Albums: 1
Documentaries: 1
Songs: 6
Ranking of songs: Sequential

Okay, so Spiderland is the greatest album of all time, but not so fast! That doesn't make it the best Black Midi album of all time. You thought this band was about history repeating itself *pah* shame on you. Eat dung, hipsters.
2Maison Book Girl

Length: 68minutes, half-life time
Ambience: geiger
Ambivalence: oneiric
Lewds: NO

At this point the gloves are off and the bluffs have been called. So be it: realtalk, what does it mean to be both introverted and irreverent as an innovator, and how does one ground this in the seedbed of today's pop landscape? How does this apply if you're an industry pawn making soundwaves in a manager's waiting room? How many years at idol camp and/or art school can prepare you for that?

More importantly, what is the true role of sleep in the contemporary creative process? Maison Book Girl exemplify many of Black Midi's more underdiscussed qualities, from their appeal as a torrent project to their feints at being even vaguely comprehensible to their fluff fans. In ten years no-one will even have heard of Steve Reich. Innovation is not always a street. Some roads go down as well as straight. Do not dream of pothole.
1John Zorn
The Crucible

Musicians: 4 (+1)
Yes: Mike Patton
CN: cult content, shrill saxophone

Wow what an unexpected #1 placement, perhaps a teaser of Black Midi's own upcoming unexpected #1 placement in the real-world Music Charts for their unpredictable album Calvacade? The future belongs to those who surprise. Trevor Dunn (of Black Midi)'s bass performance is very filthy.

The music of Black Midi is made out of DAWs connected to social media with gutted fibreoptics and supplemented with pieces of journalism extracted with scissors. The music of the Crucible is made out of ghosts and flatnosed fucking demons. It is pregnant with timelessness. The road ends here.
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