JohnnyoftheWell
fluid in its most purist form. always drenched in an undeniable regal divinity.
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Album Ratings 5025
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Last Active 01-01-70 12:00 am
Joined 01-01-70

Review Comments 64,287

 Lists
06.12.25 songs called "runaway" ranked06.11.25 Muppelope gateway list
06.07.25 memo: 2025 catchup06.02.25 all yeule songs ranked (FINISHED) ♦
05.17.25 10 things i admire in budgie05.06.25 Ranking Fugazi openers
05.02.25 BANDCAMP FRIDAY03.25.25 a list is dig ♦
03.18.25 i will RATE your PIE CHART ♦03.07.25 Bandcamp Friday
03.06.25 Ichiko Aoba ranked03.02.25 5s reassessment list v.twentytwenty5
01.13.25 @cylinder atmo drum and bass list lfg ♦01.09.25 ask me a question
01.01.25 End of 2024 well_Datadump12.27.24 well_2024: YES (FINISHED) ♦
12.26.24 well_2024: NO ♦12.10.24 2024 BNM: cringe index ♦
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Johnny's CANDID Mars Volta ranking

Ranking lists are awful I am sorry, but also I have a feeling that no-one will agree with this one so um whatever. Band is ok.
6The Mars Volta
The Bedlam in Goliath

This one has energy, bad karma, a shitton of 70s funkprog asdfp and not much else. It goes on forever and barely ever shifts gears. The production is probably the worst of their career, this shit sounds like a tube of toothpaste. There is a 10 minute epic called Cavalettas that does not need to be 10 minutes and is not epic. Cedric uses a total of roughly three melodies on this album. Every guitar solo is a wahwah jerkoff. There are lots of guitar solos. Thank you, next.

Best: Goliath
Worst: Tourniquet Man

5.6/10
5The Mars Volta
Octahedron

Octahedron is okay, I guess. I think this is their shortest album, so it gets bonus points for that. Its interpretation of an 'acoustic' album is pretty dubious, but this does lend it a wider scope and less frantic than most Volta albums. These are both very much welcome. At its best, it's softer and more melodic than standard Volta fare, but it has a slight shortfall of memorable songs. Also Cotopaxi is the most template TMV song ever in the worst way, probably.

Best: With Twilight as My Guide
Worst: Cotopaxi

6.1/10
4The Mars Volta
De-Loused in the Comatorium

Overrated as hell. This one gets props for being relatively wank-free by Volta standards, but the least wanky tracks (Inertiatic ESP, This Apparatus...) are also not that great, so it loses a lot of that credit. I don't know - I feel this whole band is about fun indulgence done (sometimes) right, and this feels it doesn't fully play to the strengths of that, ending up as an awkward halfway house between that approach and the more focused, adrenalised days of ATD-I. Nowhere is this more obvious than Roulette Dares, which is half totally memorable awesome chorus and half dispensable wank. Oh well. Eriatarka nails what this one is all about and the closing pairing is magnificent, so at least this one's payday is gratifying.

Best: Take The Veil Cerpin Taxt
Worst: This Apparatus Must Be Unearthed

6.4/15
3The Mars Volta
Noctourniquet

This having the lowest average on the site is a nice reflection of how either me or Sputnik or BOTH never really *got* this band. Noctouniquet has the best production of any TMV album and changes the game more than any album since Frances. They finally work up arrangements that don't lean painfully heavily on Omar Rodriguez-Lopez' somewhat tired guitar stylings; while very much present here, these began to wear thin on the previous two albums. The synthesizers and more liberal use of acoustics here go down a treat and are backed by probably the most focused songwriting the core duo laid down since Relationship of Command. Compared to everything else in the Volta canon, this is practically a pop album. Cedric's performance is one of his more creative and comes off a little more melodically and emotionally engaging than expected. Good good stuff.

Best: Not much between the best tracks here - I guess Vedamalady, Imago or In Absentia
Worst: Molochwalker

6.8/10
2The Mars Volta
Frances the Mute

A long silly album full of passé rock jams that are milked for all they're worth with enough flair that it doesn't matter. This is where the Volta really got into their groove of not giving a shit about restraint or prudence, and it served them well to begin with. The fact that even Miranda, one of the most transparently overlong songs ever written, has never rubbed me the wrong way is testament to this one's engaging value. Not much more to say here; 4 enjoyably overblown sets of grooves and 1 decent rock single.

Best: Cassandra Gemini or Cygnus
Worst: Cassandra Gemini or The Widow

7.1/10
1The Mars Volta
Amputechture

At heart, the Mars Volta are a silly band with meme lyrics and occasionally fantastic jams. No album has milked this tasty truth for all its worth quite so well as Amputechture. This to me is the album this group (this line-up specifically) were always meant to make. It's overblown, occasionally confusingly paced and never knows where to stop, yet it's founded in such a memorable set of jams that none of this detracts too much from the joy and bombast in these songs. Uncommonly for TMV, the longer tracks warrant their length and end up as the most satisfying (Day Of The Baphomets gets my vote for the best thing they ever wrote), yet Vermicide is a strong contender for their strongest bite-sized offering. This album's many liberties pay off: a producer/session musician-esque relationship between Omar and Fru? Sure! A seven minute introduction song? Sure!! Asilos Magdalena, um, sure! Dope stuff.

Best: Day of the Baphomets
Worst: El Ciervo Vulnerado

7.7/10
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