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Last Active 08-30-19 8:46 pm
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11.06.16 The search for the worst: week 110.31.16 The search for the worst.
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07.25.13 Dance Gavin Dance (self-titled) Ranked07.18.13 What Would You Name Your Band?
05.21.12 Graduated 03.19.12 Concert Cancelled
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The search for the worst: week 1

i listened to the first five records from the last list and as expected they were pretty bad. im going to try to review five a week just so it doesnt take forever and you guys can reliably track my progress. heres the results so far.
Chuckles & Mr. Squeezy

I haven’t listened to this band either and that might be why im missing why this is as lowly received as it is. I certainly don’t think its amazing but its pretty passable in its own right. The production is a bit too slick and overpowers the vocalist a majority of the time who himself sounds a bit off as a contrast to the poppy music. I just don’t get this record. I think it was another case of a band trying to break through to a mainstream crowd that failed. It sounds a bit dull and dark to be something played on the radio but otherwise I find it pretty inoffensive. I think to get why this album is supposedly bad id need the investment of listening to their other music.
2Celtic Frost
Cold Lake

All I knew about this record Is that it’s a hair metal band made by a black metal band. I haven’t listened to Celtic Frosts music before this and while this wasn’t an amazing experience it at least was an album made with an intention to be listened to in entirety so its already better than Bull of Heavens album. While Cold Lake can act as a reminder of bad hair metal acts and that just because a style is popular doesn’t mean you should dedicate a full album to it, I think theres something salvageable in here. This actually has some passable riffs in here only brought down by some terrible production and the vocalists worst impression of brett micheals. I know Lars gets shit on a lot but the drummer here is either lazy and apathetic or just not playing to his strengths because this has the worst drumming ive ever heard in a metal record. By the time this album was halfway over I was already mentally checked out of it.
3Celtic Frost
Cold Lake

As a whole the album would be embarrassments to any band but Celtic Frost take it up a notch by making the listener physically cringe just when you think it can’t get any worse. I swear wannabe Brett hams it up even more when he thinks your losing interest. Its almost like they wrote this as a joke because you cant really expect anyone to take you seriously when you tell them to seduce them with your kiss. But its not a joke and its 40 minutes long. If they were trying to get some fans from mainstream hair bands I think this record would be a bit too heavy to their liking. So they fucked up by making an album that isolated their black metal fans but too metal for everyone else.
4Woe, Is Me

Back into the objectively bad stuff. Genesis is the product of a band trying its best to be as heavy as they think they can be while only being exposed to bands youd find in a hot topic bin. The album melds its songs together into one long chug full of kids growl yelling their chords out and a token autotuned clean singer. Whats bad is that description can fit so many different bands that woe is me are contemporaries of and they cant even do it better than a majority of them. If I were in a band like this I wouldn’t be able to deal with at least having something unique I could say we provide. Every cliché in the new wave metalcore scene is present on this album from the swelling chorus of whoa oh’s to bitch breakdowns to lyrics about the whole us vs them dynamic. Even worse seven people made this. Seven. I can account for half of them and im guessing the other half was in charge of lunch.
5Woe, Is Me

It’s no wonder the band broke up to form a new band after this because if this is the sound they have they were bound to fall into obscurity once the alternative press magazines moved on to the new band of the week. I don’t know if issues are better than this but I certainly hope theyre less inane and annoying. At least Genesis has the luxury of being half an hour long.
Grave New World

All of a sudden ive become more sympathetic to Cold Lake. Everything I said there has been amplified three times over on Grave New Word (nice wordplay btw) I knew something awful was about to unfold when the opening seconds played and then the vocals came in. Whereas the Celtic Frost had some semblance of actually saying words, I wouldn’t be surprised if the vocalist here was just shrieking sounds. Everything about the musicianship is too dull and uninspired to be enjoyable. It makes me wonder if the band just tried to soullessly cash in on the hair metal sound that was so popular at the time. But songs like “talk dirty to me” and “you give love a bad name” actually had some merit to their own catchiness and the fact that they sound like they actually put in work to make them the hits they were. Everything on this album sounds like it was recorded on its first take in an hour before the band fucked off to go back home.
7Bull of Heaven
210: Like a Wall in Which an Insect Live

No. Im not going to listen to any more than an hour of this. Bull of heaven is a drone band that has a discography that make Bucketheads look reasonable. This particular album literally goes on a total of 50,000 hours, or just a few months shy of six fucking years. It all sounds impressive until you realize there’s probably half an hour worth of actual music on the album. Granted I was pretty ok with what I heard when I started the album and greeted by some tender ambient droning on in my ears but given fifteen minutes there was no noticeable change in tune. By the next hour it all clicked into place that this was not made to actually be listened to as much be a nuisance. Bull of heaven has hundreds of albums and I don’t doubt they all follow this formula. Music made that no rational human would spend time to listen through in entirety. I can’t say I understand what kind of statement the band is making with their music.
8Bull of Heaven
210: Like a Wall in Which an Insect Live

What is driving them to make the music in such bulk quantities? I think the idea of this band interests me more than their music because theyre pretty forgettable otherwise. As it is its not worthy of anyones time.
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