evilford: | Sputnikmusic

evilford 08.14.24	Thanks for the recs guys
Kusangii 08.14.24	At least we'll always have DM to support us m/
Koris 08.14.24	Can definitely relate to this... 2024 has been fucking brutal to my mental health. Stay strong man, we're in this together 💪💪💪
BallsToTheWall 08.14.24	Same brother, same.
BallsToTheWall 08.14.24	We gotta keep pushing through it.
pizzamachine 08.14.24	2024 been crazy but so is every year [stay strong x2]
calmrose 08.14.24	keep riffing hard ford ❤️
Dedes 08.14.24	Depression owns Especially when you're finally doing things you enjoy again and the satisfaction/dopamine from such suddenly drops to nihil m/m/m/ Gl my guy the grind never ends but it can be managed!!!
Scoot 08.14.24	alora crucible - oak lace apparition give this a shot, really been helping me lately
Hawks 08.14.24	I LOVE YOU BUDDY I AM ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU!!! You know I get it. As Balls said, we have to keep pushing. Always here to talk if you need it. ❤️❤️❤️
Kusangii 08.14.24	Hawks check the new ICDD already ffs
Kusangii 08.14.24	Sorry if that was insensitive in a thread like this ford lol. Depression is truly a bitch =/
jrlikestodance 08.14.24	Sending love your way
evilford 08.14.24	Thanks yall love u guys
MO 08.14.24	you're the man Ford, one day at a time m/
evilford 08.14.24	U 2 brother, ty
Relinquished 08.14.24	Yeah man we’re here for ya Keep it metal and exalt yourself
Koris 08.14.24	Ngl, I'm glad this thread exists. It's inspired me to finish a poem I've been working on for some time now 🖤
BallsToTheWall 08.14.24	Same Koris. Last few hours I was really killing for a drink but settled for chamomile tea. Really Could’ve killed a half bottle of whiskey rn.
Relinquished 08.14.24	Personally I stopped drinking for the most part and it’s definitely helped my mental. Not trying to make it a point to say for others to stop but only bringing it up cuz I’m not the young man I used to be and it slays much harder to choose the constructive options in life.
Jash 08.14.24	Been going through an extreme low patch these days, contemplating going back on meds for the first time in 5 years. Hope all of us struggling find some relief soon
Relinquished 08.14.24	Music saves that’s for sure, glad we have that commonality carrying us through
BallsToTheWall 08.14.24	Wolfe, You’re absolutely right. I’ve been better but still have that thirst I need to kill off. Shits hard.
anode 08.14.24	damn 1 is fire, feel there is a lot of underappreciated dm out there
Trebor. 08.14.24	Depressed right now fellas
efp123 08.14.24	All love, players
Koris 08.14.24	Just finished my new poem. I can put it here if anyone is interested in reading it :]
budgie 08.14.24	crack cocaine is great for depression try that
Hawks 08.14.24	Per what Jash said, I got back on my meds and also added another med on top of it and I'm truly starting to feel better than I have in a very very long time. And Kus wtf is ICDD....???
Jash 08.14.24	Hit me (and or us) with that good good koris
Koris 08.14.24	Shadow Work ---------------------------------------------- From the inner abyss returns an old presence, resentful in its very essence, as it creeps in to cast ruin upon all stability and reason. My shadow emerges, a fiend so tireless; ever set to unravel all progress, all success; Yet my defective reasoning betrays my better judgment, as if meant to feign strength in crisis and distress; at the altar of disquiet I lay, waiting for the passing of restless days. The circle never breaks, my thirst never slaked as dusk always returns; I retreat to the four walls that harbor all fear and denial, from which I never truly learn. My shadow emerges from the mire of self-doubt, ever set to strip all pride from every stride; Yet in the distance lies the fruit of shadow work; the umbra draws back, as recovery becomes priority; internal strife withers away, rendering the institution of self a kingdom of clay. From the inner abyss returns an old presence, resentful in its very essence, yet torn down by its own hubris; old tactics, old ploys, old habits, now reduced to obsolescence.
Koris 08.14.24	Admittedly I think I arrived at the resolution of the poem a bit too quickly, but I'm still pretty happy at how it turned out overall
Jash 08.14.24	The circle never breaks, my thirst never slaked as dusk always returns; I retreat to the four walls that harbor all fear and denial, from which I never truly learn. This hit me hard, been spending too much time hiding in my apartment instead of seeing friends or nature lately, even though I know how much that would help. Thanks for sharing this
twlight 08.14.24	Long walks help. Salads daily. Listen to happy shit from time to time. Call your fam or friends. Animals. Volunteer. Sleep habits. Lay off the booze Just a few things that helped me
DaveyMonsoon 08.14.24	More anxiety than depression for me but I feel ya. Next semester of uni starts next week and I've been fairly anxious about both it and the future in general lately. That being said, Sput's been fairly supportive whenever it comes to mental health matters in my experience (this thread coincidentally being one example), so there's that.
Koris 08.14.24	@Jash: Thanks for the feedback! This is the first poem I've finished in ages (realistically, probably in over a year), but for whatever reason, I finally got the inspiration to finish one tonight :]
Hawks 08.14.24	Koris my man that was AWESOME. And extremely hard hitting and accurate.
ToSmokMuzyki 08.14.24	i got just the thing https://www.sputnikmusic.com/soundoff.php?albumid=223444
Hawks 08.14.24	Smok 0% chance Ford would like anything about that monstrosity.
budgie 08.14.24	great suicide music
ToSmokMuzyki 08.14.24	u 2 have no souls
budgie 08.14.24	dont say thaaaaaaaaaaaaaat
evilford 08.14.24	Thanks guys love u and yeah koris that was awesome Keep writing!
budgie 08.14.24	evil do u think i have a soul
evilford 08.14.24	Probably
ToSmokMuzyki 08.14.24	only 70% chance budge u rly wanna risk it
NightOnDrunkMountain 08.14.24	Someone told me once "I believe in your victory" Thinking about it has at times helped me when in a downward spiral. Also, check this out if you haven't already: https://www.sputnikmusic.com/soundoff.php?albumid=371891
chemicalmarriage 08.14.24	Rose's are red Violets are blue We're having sex tonight Cuz I'm stronger than you
NexCeleris 08.14.24	One day at a time. Sending love. ♥
gabba 08.14.24	To me depression was/is the necessary step before reaching the point of accepting how it all is. Keep on looking at the sky at night, it can put yr current struggles in a different perspective.
evilford 08.14.24	Thanks nex and chem and night, will check I know at this point whatever depression I'm experiencing is 100% clinical. My life theoretically rules. Lots of good shit happening for me rn so I logically have no reason to feel down. It just happens sometimes. I've had MDD for my entire adult life and ill be 40 this year, so that's quite a while. I'm kind of used to it, but it sucks when it comes around periodically. And for the most part it doesn't bother me anymore. I've been on a pretty effective psych med cocktail for like 7 years and 98% of the time I feel amazing. It's the other 2% that is hard to deal with. Reassuring words from fellow sputters helps a lot. Thanks again guys I love u all
Jurtz 08.14.24	I'm glad to hear that 98% of the time you feel amazing ford. The 2% of the time that you're struggling teaches you to be grateful for the 98%. I'm here if you wanna talk buddy.
Scheumke 08.14.24	I feel you ford and Koris coming in with the feels! Wishing you and everyone here in a similar situation nothing but strenght and health.
bighubbabuddha 08.14.24	We're in this together Ford. The universe is very mysterious and I try not to force it. You have awesome music taste and if things get worse please talk to a doctor.
evilford 08.14.24	Thanks all love u @ bighubba, way ahead of u. I see a psychiatrist and a therapist regularly :] I do feel better today, so yay for that!
0GuyMan0 08.14.24	It's different for everybody, so it's hard for me to try to relate what did it for me personally without worrying that I'm hurting rather than helping. But there came a point where I decided that I didn't come this fuckin' far to feel bad all the time. I found a creative place to put the pain and changed my routine, took an out of context lyric from Gojira to heart and a while later I feel far better. "I owe myself life" - L'Enfant Sauvage
JayEnder 08.14.24	Some days will be better than others. The Big Sad never truly goes away, but those days of misery will become less and less frequent as we get older and learn to handle the world's bullshit. We got this bro. We'll always have riffs, and that's enough of a reason to keep going. Stay strong Ford!
arthropod 08.14.24	I can't come up with anything actually constructive, so I just wish you the best life you could possibly live. All of you.
evilford 08.15.24	Thanks everyone
evilford 08.15.24	Added 8 cuz it rox
ToSmokMuzyki 08.15.24	even smok likes 8
evilford 08.15.24	Whoa!!!!!!
twlight 08.15.24	Great poem Koris
EyesWideShut 08.15.24	"Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while, a great wind carries me across the sky." Keep your head up broski
artiswar 08.15.24	You're a good user. That's all I really have to say. Maybe be less hard on yourself.
Hawks 08.15.24	Wtf is 8??? Gotta jam.
NexCeleris 08.16.24	Some recs: Andromorphus Rexalia - Cosmic Collision into the Fifth Dimension Eskhaton - Omegalitheos Sonivinos - Sonicated Intravaginal Insemination in Numbers Orgone (USA-PA) - Pleroma
evilford 08.16.24	Sweet ty @hawks it's some really quirky but nonetheless rockin dm
TheSonomaDude 08.16.24	depression is tough to beat. i go in and out of it. this summer was fairly therapeutic but I had some pretty low lows. hope you've been alright evilford. when I think of sputnikmusic, you're one of the names I think of.
evilford 08.16.24	Aww thanks man, I hope you can kick it too
Jurtz 08.16.24	Guys get your vitamin D checked, just to be sure.
evilford 08.16.24	Oh I'm sure it's through the floor
evilford 08.16.24	Should start a supplement Fuck being outside tbh
Jurtz 08.16.24	Last winter I was depressed and didn't get much fulfillment or joy out of most things. At some point I didn't even listen to music anymore or practice other hobbies. I just wanted every day to be cold, dark and rainy. I started to supplement vitamin D religiously. 20000 IU every day for five months. The difference is honestly night and day. I'm truly happy now. I practice all my hobbies again and gained new ones. I get enjoyment out of the smallest things now, like a slight breeze on a hot day.
evilford 08.16.24	Awesome!
Jurtz 08.16.24	I spent most of the last four years indoors and didn't get much sun. Especially in the corona time. Now I make sure to get sunlight from time to time. What also helps is that I walk (brisk walk) my dog for at least an hour every day.
Jurtz 08.16.24	I am convinced that you could kick the last bit of depression by correcting your vitamin D level and daily exercise.
evilford 08.16.24	Not really
Jurtz 08.16.24	I get that you don't like being outside though. I'm lucky, I only have to go to the office once a week. The rest is remote.
gabba 08.16.24	Vitamin D helps, but does not miracles. Once depression is there, it never goes away. But it gives you a different perspective, the superpower of seeing beyond the surface, of how rotten things are. The challenge is how to let it go, get out of the spiral. There’s no recipe.
Koris 08.16.24	Yeah, when I was in rehab, the medical team stressed the importance of vitamin D a lot. Not just for mental health, but also to remain physically healthy and ward off sickness. I wouldn't say it's a miracle cure by any means, but it did help me to a degree Exercise and music definitely helped me more though
arthropod 08.16.24	You know what, about the spiral metaphor, I came across an interesting reinterpretation. The whole life's like a spiral, but this one's a good spiral. Shit happens, but then there's more life ahead. Maybe it should be called "the upward spiral". Or no, if there's a depression spiral along the way, maybe the whole life's a fractal.
Zakusz 08.22.24	You are cared for man, take care of yourself and pull through it. Depression is a real asshole sometimes
evilford 08.22.24	Thx everyone we makin it
Wildcardbitchesss 08.22.24	Sorry everyone else in here is hurting. Currently dating a girl that’s ace, which how could this possibly end bad? Why do I fucking hate myself so much, why can’t I get out of my own way? Stay tuned for the heartbreak thread in t minus - 1 month
evilford 08.22.24	GL bro u got this. You gotta be your own cheerleader Don't say or think anything about yourself that you wouldn't say to a good friend
Wildcardbitchesss 08.22.24	I really try to ford but I just don’t see this ending in any way other than heartache. Thx buddy❤️
evilford 08.22.24	Yeah I personally gave up on relationships/dating 5 years ago or so when my ex and I broke up The relationship was pretty toxic emotionally and it took me a long time to process some shit and tbh idk that I'll ever deal with some of it. Wont go into detail but I'll say that it left enough of a bad taste in my mouth that I'm perfectly happy not taking that risk again But I do like to see my friends succeed in that realm. Not everyone has the same damage. Almost invariably tho, we are our own worst critics. Try not to get in your own head too much. U seem like a good dude and I guarantee you probably everyone in your life thinks more of you than you think of yourself. I just say that because I know that to be true of myself and everyone I have good friendships/relationships with
Wildcardbitchesss 08.22.24	damn evil making me tear up at work Thanks man for real
evilford 08.22.24	All love homie
Koris 08.22.24	"Almost invariably tho, we are our own worst critics. Try not to get in your own head too much. U seem like a good dude and I guarantee you probably everyone in your life thinks more of you than you think of yourself." That's easily the biggest problem I have. No matter who likes me or enjoys my company, I always tear myself down more than anyone else does. It's always been a big talking point for me whenever I've gone to therapy or other forms of counseling
evilford 08.22.24	Same man. I logically, consciously know these things. And I've gone to therapy for years to deal with that. But subconsciously, I think I'm a completely worthless piece of shit. I've internalized my coping strategies to a degree, but it's still hard to not revert to that subconscious thought
gabba 08.23.24	Feeling worthless relative to what exactly? Your own expectations toward yourself? Of others? The bar is almost always set too high, pushed by unrealistic desires. In my view, life is accidental and essentially without a tangible meaning/purpose, and therefore, most of those expectations don’t really matter. There are many forms and causes of depression, some triggered by trauma, some by social rejection/(fear of) loneliness, and some evolve spontaneously. If you ruminate about feeling worthless, then there’s a way to explore your gifts and readjust the perspective. That’s what therapy is for, but it takes lots of effort and patience, and ofc, success is not guaranteed. Those little sneaky subconscious bitches of feelings may never disappear.
Jurtz 08.23.24	In essence I see it like this: Too much past: depression Too much future: anxiety Focussing on your breathing can break the stream of thoughts, even if it is for a few seconds at first.
Jurtz 08.23.24	"But subconsciously, I think I'm a completely worthless piece of shit." Same here, we are our own worst enemy sometimes...
Jurtz 11.18.24	How are you doing my guy?
unclereich 11.18.24	[2]
evilford 11.19.24	Alright I guess....shitty day yesterday. But I'm looking forward to new defeated sanity on Friday so that's something. How r u guys?
NexCeleris 11.19.24	And anytime you feel the pain, hey Ford, refrain, Don't carry the world upon your shoulders. For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool By making his world a little colder.
zakalwe 11.19.24	Depressed
Jurtz 11.19.24	I'm glad to hear from you ford bro and that you're doing alright, although it sucks that your day was shitty yesterday.
BaselineOOO 11.19.24	I've been diagnosed with depression twice in my life. On both occasions, I sought help from a psychiatrist, primarily to obtain documentation for reducing my workload. Personally, I view depression as a transient state rather than a chronic condition. The first time, I managed to overcome it by completely eliminating caffeine, which aligns with research on the impact of adenosine receptor modulation on mood regulation. The second time, I found relief through achieving financial well-being (good effects on neuroendocrine stress responses.) Both psychiatrists I consulted seemed out of touch with the latest research btw, I’ve likely read more psychology literature than they have combined. If there's any advice I can give is that it’s always advisable to seek advice from someone more knowledgeable than yourself (though that’s almost an impossible task for me.)
Jurtz 11.19.24	"The first time, I managed to overcome it by completely eliminating caffeine, which aligns with research on the impact of adenosine receptor modulation on mood regulation." This is very effective for me, but I haven't managed to kick the habit.
jrlikestodance 11.19.24	Hope you're doing better Ford dawg < 3
evilford 04.28.25	Been a rough few weeks for depression and anxiety. No signs of letting up. Ugh
NexCeleris 04.28.25	Sending positive thoughts. You'll overcome this low eventually, emerging from it stronger than ever. Can't wait for Life rules [4].
Hawks 04.29.25	Love you Ford brother!!!
Dedes 04.29.25	Feel that brother, been leaning in too hard on the weekend drinking to cope with a lot of manic attacks but we're not sinking on this stupid ass ship, time to board a better one ig Sometimes it's just about weathering the storm not knowing where the end is but having faith that there is one if briefly, gl bro
artiswar 04.29.25	Why are you depressed
evilford 04.29.25	Thanks guys
Wildcardbitchesss 04.29.25	they got you on any meds evil? My new psych just put me on some shit called Vraylar after pretty much every ssri known to man has failed. So fingers crossed for you and I❤️
TheSonomaDude 04.29.25	my father is a cancer survivor and he told me yesterday that he'd rather have cancer than severe depression. i've never had cancer but holy shit that hit me hard. mentall illness and suicide runs very rampant in my family, it's awful.
Wildcardbitchesss 04.29.25	Your father sounds like a very kind and empathetic man
evilford 04.29.25	I am on vraylar wildcard lol Have been for 8/9 years And yeah fingers crossed that it works for ya
Wildcardbitchesss 04.29.25	oh okay well that brings some comfort, on week three
evilford 04.29.25	Vraylar overall has been a lifesaver for me personally. I get down now and then but before I was on it I was a mess. Hopefully it does the same for u
Jurtz 04.29.25	You've got this ford bro!
evilford 06.03.25	Feel like shit the last week man ugh
anode 06.03.25	Im sorry man. I just went through a pretty serious surgery last week and recovery has been tough. Hopefully you have your health and surely that is something to be grateful for because I haven’t for the last 7+ years and I wasn’t appreciative enough about it before
Dedes 06.03.25	What'd ya got into surgery for my dude? Also @ford for every day that feels like a load of piss a day will soon follow where you can feel enough joy to compensate and brother I BELIEVE that keep up the fight my guy
anode 06.03.25	Spinal surgery :3 Had two of my cervical discs replaced
Dedes 06.03.25	Oof that's frightening Any misshap can result in paralysis, I imagine it was nerve wrecking (uhh actually pun not intended but I hope it garnered a hearty lol) when you got it done How are ya feeling now?
anode 06.03.25	lol I suppose it was funny as far as puns go. Yeah there were some risks fs but not too bad. Worst was just not knowing what to expect and I was pretty fucked up mentally/physically from all the meds in post op. It’s painful and im still quite limited but I think progressing on track
Asdfp277 06.03.25	my condolences to everyone struggle itt, wishing u the best if that means anything!
Dedes 06.03.25	@anode I will personally fireman carry you anywhere you need to go just give me the word
anode 06.03.25	if you can figuratively fireman carry me through recording an ep ive written then i accept. but hopefully i can just get healthy enough to do it on my own
Jurtz 06.03.25	I listen to Crowbar, Eyehategod and Thou when I feel down, cathartic music to deal with those negative emotions. Ford bro, I might be far away in distance, but I am right there with you in spirit.
sr388 06.03.25	helpful to see you guys mention vraylar, i'm bipolar ii and my depressive episodes last months at a time even while on lamictal/zyprexa, so i'm trying to figure out how to sustain being centered/happy for like more than one week at a time. a fellow bipolar friend mentioned it lifted them out of depression so i'm going to ask my psych about it. keep going fellas, we all got this.
evilford 06.04.25	Thanks for the thoughts yall, going a tad better today. I appreciate all of u @anode best of luck my friend, I am hoping your recovery speeds up! @sr388 its super hard being patient enough to find the right medication cocktail. It took me years and unfortunately a couple suicide attempts that were (thankfully) unsuccessful. I have been pretty great overall since starting vraylar 8-9 years ago but still have depressive episodes now and again. I wish u the best of luck in your journey
anode 06.04.25	Thanks mate, same for you. Glad you’re feeling better
sr388 06.04.25	glad to hear it worked for you ford, wish u the best of luck too