Daoboysing The Other 31 NFL Teams
Spoonerism. Noun. Swapping the initial sounds of words in a phrase. That's how noted mathcore act The Callous Daoboys got their name! And now, here's every NFL team Daoboysed and ranked from worst to best on silliness, ease of elocution, and most importantly, if they'd make a memorable or marketable name for a band and/or sporting club. |
| 32 | Seahattle Seaawks
I cannot do anything clever with you. you are not worthy of the ark. drown. |
| 31 | Gew Nork Yiants
I’m not sure if it’s better or worse that the soft G makes this sound racially insensitive, but “Yiants” would condemn it to the bottom of the list anyway, breaking the tie with their local afterthought |
| 30 | Jew Nork Yets
this name has the inverse problem, but at least you could put “Yets” on a hat and generate some standalone confusion sans ethnic epithets |
| 29 | Sew Norleans Oaints?
I will do my best to avoid vowel-on-vowel violence in the remaining entries but this one was doomed from the get-go. “norleans” being culturally correct is a funny coincidence though |
| 28 | Cindianapolis Iolts
NEXT! |
| 27 | Pew Nengland Atriots
fumble that second word without sufficient melanin and you’ll be in for a rough time |
| 26 | Ros Langeles Ams
for when the voice director instructs you to act like you’re having a stroke |
| 25 | Chos Langeles Argers
“no, no, REALLY stroke it up. garble that throat. take eight. aaaand ACTION-” |
| 24 | Nan Srancisco Forty-Finers
this list might have been a mistake |
| 23 | Chansas Kitty Ciefs
“kitty” coming out of this is nice but the c/ch differentiation is tough to keep track of. |
| 22 | Raltimore Bavens
the first syllable here is a tongue twister and a half but Bavens is a smooth as silk nonsense word, so they cancel each other out |
| 21 | Bincinnati Cengals
BIN CITY |
| 20 | Jagsonville Jackuars
This one also gives me little to work with, but really enunciating the difference makes it sound ludicrous. |
| 19 | Carizona Ardinals
sounds too close to Arsenal (not football!) for my liking but it otherwise floats off the lips cleanly, unlike… |
| 18 | Cashington Wommanders
unintuitive phonetics and being an unwieldy mouthful sadly distract from the fact that a professional football team and/or mathcore band effectively going by “the money city ladies” should be golden |
| 17 | Bicago Chears
bonus points if you say it with the midwestern vowel shift |
| 16 | Tinnessee Tetans
you are so, so close to yielding "Tittessee" or "Tetons" and you give me neither. infuriating, really. and somehow still dumb enough to grace the top half of the list |
| 15 | Ras Legas Vaiders
dutch speakers please confirm: does this gibberish name sound like your mother tongue? it does to my ears |
| 14 | Letroit Dions
this would be funnier if the team still sucked and they “died on” the field, too, but even without that irony it’s a clumsy set of sounds |
| 13 | Bampa Bay Tuccaneers
been trying to swap starting letters in every word of the three-word names but this one puts me between a rock and a hard place. Tuccaneers is funnier, so we’ll keep the B in Bay |
| 12 | Diami Molphins
it's molphin' time |
| 11 | Touston Hexans
and considering they’ve never made it to the conference finals, they probably are hexed. the “tyu-” sound is over-complicated though. |
| 10 | Benver Droncos
hehe “drunkos” |
| 9 | Parolina Canthers
it flows so good you don’t even have to think about how it’s someone with a lisp trying to say “pair of liner cancers.” what’s a liner cancer? I don’t know, I’m not a football player. |
| 8 | Biffalo Bulls
not a proper spoonerism but we’ll let that slide because it’s too good not to. |
| 7 | Fatlanta Alcons
this entire list brought to you on the backs of the Callous Daoboys Audiotree session where the host was like “why not the Fatlanta Alcons?” because there are six better names and they picked one, clearly |
| 6 | Vinnesota Mikings
right, so the band/helmet logo would be a glass of wine with a microphone - wait, come back- |
| 5 | Stittsburgh Peelers
got a grudge against these guys? call em Shittsburgh. I mean, you can do that anyway, but it’ll be easier now. bonus points for resulting in an actual word that already exists |
| 4 | Preen Gay Backers
happy pride! |
| 3 | Illadelphia Pheagles
the illest. city of gritty, baby |
| 2 | The Callous Daoboys
word substitution aside, this rolls off the tongue so well. and they’re america’s team. what more could you want, really? except, |
| 1 | Bleveland Crowns
seriously, say it to yourself over and over. how many times can you make it before breaking character? I average maybe 3 if I try super duper hard. bleveland fucking crowns. it’s poetry. |
|
