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Star Wars ranked

Uh...I guess I only really like two movies in this franchise, so...
The Dutchess

Solo: I haven’t even bothered to see this
The Violent Sleep of Reason

Episode I – Lmfao 1.5/10, the 0.5 is for Darth Maul looking cool

Episode II – This movie is a joke, but the Jango Fett scene is cool. And it has the most hilarious romantic subplot of all time. 2.5/10

Star Wars: Rogue One – I tried to watch this movie twice and fell asleep both times. I have never seen less character development in a movie in my entire life. I cannot tell you a single fucking thing about anyone in this movie. One of the most boring, shit films I have seen in theaters in a long time. This is getting a 3 for the Darth Vader sequence alone, which is one of my favorite scenes in all of Star Wars. I could have just watched on YouTube. 3/10
Catch Thirtythree

The Last Jedi – Fuck this movie. I’ve argued about this nonstop since it came out. A few very well directed sequences, which is great and all, but it was a long, meandering mess that totally fucked up everything that was set up in the movie before and left an unnecessary mess for the next movie to clean up. So many plot lines went in baffling directions. And before anyone says anything, I’m all for doing something new and interesting but I would like those decisions to actually be interesting. Not eliminating the main threat, jamming in side quests that go nowhere with uninteresting characters, and giving unsatisfying answers right before the final act. Could go on forever but I have limited space here. 4/10.

Star Wars Ep III – I know that there are some people out that like this more than Return of the Jedi, but I genuinely don’t understand that. This still has the insanely ridiculous flipping Jedis, horrible acting all around with a few exceptions. This is the most watchable of the prequels, but if this was the only one that existed I would be WAY harsher on it (and I think other people would be too). Bad movie, but it kept my attention and it gave me a lifetime worth of memes. 5/10.

Return of the Jedi – This used to be favorite when I was younger, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve noticed some major problems that I just can’t look past. This still has some amazing scenes in it – Jabba’s palace is an incredible sequence, and the final confrontation is riveting but there is a lot of bullshit surrounding this. Mini teddy bears defeating the entire Empire, thus diminishing the threat set up by the past two movies, Han Solo not really doing much of anything and acting out of character, Bobba Fett being killed as some off handed joke, little dramatic pay off for the Leia reveal, Lando friendship reconnection with Han is glossed over, and it’s just tonally silly. 5.5/10

The Force Awakens – This is a really fun remake of A New Hope. I sort of wish that we found out why The First Order came to be after the success of the Rebels in Jedi, but whatever. I also sort of wish that Rey’s character’s lack of training was addressed in SOME sequence and that Captain Phasma wasn’t completely wasted (something I originally gave a pass as ‘they’ll do something interesting in the next movie’) but whatever. 6/10, respect for bringing back the practical effects and being focused, if unoriginal.
Destroy Erase Improve

A New Hope – This movie is beautiful and beyond inventive. There aren’t too many movies that I can think of that have invented a universe as well defined and creative as this one. It’s a relatively simple story at heart and that makes for a more focused, exciting adventure story. One classic scene after another, also a 10/10
Contradictions Collapse

The Empire Strikes Back– This movie fucking rules and it’s one of my favorites in the genre. It ups the ante of the original with even better set pieces, more character development, higher stakes, and one of the most legendary cliff hangers of all time. The introduction of Yoda, one of the best plot twists of all time, and one of the most epic battle sequences in all of sci-fi/fantasy are just a few of the reasons why this movie is as legendary as it is.10/10
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