TheSonomaDude
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Last Active 08-24-17 3:00 am
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12.07.17 DOOM Soundtrack origins11.27.17 Bought myself a PS4
10.06.17 Metal bands that "sold out"09.28.17 Saw Jeepers Creepers 3...lol
08.27.17 Hurricane Harvey jams04.25.16 Albums that cost a shit ton to make
10.27.15 Albums that blatantly copy another band10.05.15 Acoustic death metal
10.04.15 Folk recs?09.25.15 Death - TSOP
09.10.15 Creed singles ranked09.08.15 My to-do list
08.20.15 Important and Essential music08.13.15 CULT OF TOMORROWS END - A Conclusion
08.12.15 Heading off to college...08.05.15 Thanks, Victory Records.
08.03.15 Slayer live at Mayhem Fest - The Woodla06.05.15 Load/ReLoad should've just been one CD
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Saw Jeepers Creepers 3...lol

For those of you who don't know, JC3 played in limited theaters for one night on September 26th. It's lowkey the worst film of the year...I've seen 42 films from 2017 and JC3 is currently tied in last place with Diary Of A Wimpy Kid 4. Yes, it's worse than Emoji Moive. Hell, it makes JC2 look like good. Sorry if this poorly written but i dont give a fuck this moive was fucking awful holy shit...
1The Creepers
Miserable Sinners


So basically everything about this film was wrong. Where to begin? The story made no sense and was practically nonexistent. It takes place between the 1st and 2nd but nobody wanted to see that, we wanted to see what happened after the 2nd. There is basically no story and no pacing, and there's no plot. Just a bunch of people talking and occasionally the Creepers shows up. There's no act structure at all. There's sorta a rescue story in the 2nd act, but this fizzles out and is completely forgotten about. The entire film feels like the first episode of a mini-series, where everything is kinda set up but nothing is concluded. There isn't even a climax, the film just suddenly ends. The story overall just makes no sense and is really confusing. It took me about 20 minutes into realizing whether the film took place in the 60's, 2001, present day, or the future due to how awful the pacing and writing is.
2Creepers
The Lost Transmissions


There are WAY too many main characters. We have the cop from the first movie (was he even important enough to warrant being a main character here?) We have a Creeper-hunting sheriff and his team of Creeper hunters, we have a teenage farm girl, we have some hunky country boy who is crushing on the farm girl, an old lady with dementia, and a group of punk teenage bikers. The film tries desperately to give equal focus on each of these characters and it gets so confused. The film cuts back and forth between all of these psudeo-storylines so often that by the time we get back to a particular character, we've already forgotten what's going on with their "story" because of how much shit is crammed into this movie. Many of the characters are written without resolutions, and some just mysteriously vanish from the story entirely, almost like Victor Salva just forgot he even included them in the script. I honestly wouldn't know who to call the "main character" or "main focus" of the movie.
3Slayer
Hell Awaits


The acting ranges from mediocre to laughably bad. The highlight performance comes from Meg Foster as the old lady with dementia. She's fairly good. Stan Shaw is cool but it's because he's Stan Shaw. The rest of the cast is a different kind of bad, ranging from wooden to scenery-chewing to overacting to misdirected. Brandon Smith as the Cop looks like he's about to cry in every scene, and I think he was written as some sort of sassy comic relief character. The teenage daughter acts like she's asleep. The worst performance goes to a member of the Creeper hunting squad, who's so overexaggerated and obnoxious with his lines that it's like he was passing a kidney stone and his doctor recommended cocaine as a pain reliever that didn't help at all.
4Salva
PEACEMAKER


Victor Salva's directing is fucking awful. He's never been a good actor director, but good god is he awful here. Actors just sorta run around aimlessly without any clue what to do. I can just imagine Salva doing one take and saying "that'll do, next scene!" Characters constantly mug and give these awful reactions, but you can sorta tell it's because of clueless actors listening to a poor director. He also uses the worst possible angles and edits a director could possibly make. Several scenes could've actually been good had another director been in charge. The cinematography is so lazy and flat that it looks more like a YouTube fan project than a theatrical release, which is a shame because the camerawork/cinematography of the first two films are easily the highlights of those movies.
5Culture (Florida)
Deforestation


The production value is atrocious, like, LITERALLY on the same level as a SyFy channel movie. I hate it when people say that shit but it's absolutely true here. Obviously low budget, JC3 has hands down the WORST CGI I've ever seen on the big screen. What makes it worse is that the CGI is all over the movie, and is aggressively in your face in several scenes. The Creeper releases these little heat-seaking tracker bombs from the back of his truck that were so bad the audience was laughing louder than the movie itself. The crows are all CGI too, and it looks like an episode of Gregory Horror Show. Worst of all is that the Creeper's makeup is CGI in several scenes, and it's so cringeworthy that I think I lost calories just from cringing so hard. Overall, the film feels very direct-to-DVD and I'm glad this didn't have its planned wide release because it certainly doesn't belong in theaters at all.
6Morbid Angel
Illud Divinum Insanus - The Remixes


(CONT:) Some scenes had the audience roaring with laughter, usually any scene that was supposed to be dramatic or serious. One scene involves a character getting shot with his own gun, and his body wiggles and contorts like a 5 year old pretending to be shot at recess. The music quiets and the main character goes "NOOOOO!!!!" which makes it even funnier. Stan Shaw's death scene is fucking hilarious too, like my theater was laughing so hard that I almost want to see it a second time to re-experience it, but it was one of the funniest things I had ever seen due to how awful the directing and production values were. Practically every serious scene was rightfully met with uproarious laughter and people were making Riff Trax-esque comments throughout the entire screening.
7Creeper (UK)
The Stranger


Even The Creeper himself is done wrong. I've always thought The Creeper was a really interesting horror villain, but he does nothing even remotely scary in this film. Instead of actually being intimidating or frightening, he instead acts annoyed and irritated, like the fictional character himself wants nothing to with this film but he is contractually obligated to do it anyways. What's worse is that nearly all of his unique trademarks, such as smelling fear, eating body parts to regenerate, mimicry and mindgames, and even his wings are either severely underplayed or practically nonexistent. All he does is walk around and stab people like any other basic horror villain. Some moron behind the scenes decided to give him a red T-shirt that looks like it was bought at Walmart. He's also defeated in every scene he's in. SCARY.
8i hate sex
World of Grief


Not even the gore is good. Despite the R-rating, the kills are either really stupid or really bland. It's easily the most tame of the movies. Salva said in an interview that this was "the most violent film yet" and it's like wtf you lying pos.
9creeper
Exhaustion


Perhaps the biggest iron-toed bootkick to the balls goes to the fact that after all these years, we're STILL NOT TOLD who/what the Creeper is. Yep, it's still a mystery. It used to be genuinely interesting, but now it comes off as a cheap gimmick, like Salva himself has no idea what to do with the character and is stretching out more so he has more time to think. What's even more insulting is that all of the characters find out what he is, but the audience does not. It's clearly setting up for a 4th film (the entire film feels like a pilot episode), but judging by Salva's history and how long it took for this film to come out, chances of a 4th film are very slim.
10Regina
Soita mulle


Despite being top billed on the poster, Gina Phillips is in the film for literally the last 15 seconds of the movie (actually to be correct, it's the last 49 seconds of the movie). She comes in as a narrator and we see her face for a split second before the credits roll. The fact that her involvement in the film was part of the huge hype behind JC3 is such a fucking slap to the face. Ray Wise is was also slated to return and is on the IMDb and RT cast lists, but he's not even in the movie at all. I don't mean that he's barely in like Gina is, I mean Wise LITERALLY is not an actor in the film. It'd be like putting Tom Cruise on the poster for Sharknado 8 even though he's not in the movie. Looking back at interviews from 6 months ago, Salva himself confirms Wise is in the movie. I'd say maybe I missed something, but people online are calling Salva a liar for saying Wise is involved. Has that ever happened before?
11Sonoma
Voice Memos


Although it likely goes without saying, the film fails miserably as a horror film. No good scares or frightening moments, no buildup to anything clever. Even the 2nd movie had some frightening scenes on the school bus. Nothing more than generic jumpscares where it gets all quiet as the character moves in to examine something...BAM LOUD NOISE AHHH SCARY! You can see every scare from a mile away, and a few of the jumpscares don't even make any sense! Like a guy randomly falls from the sky and slides his bloody face against a car window at an angle that's physically impossible. Actually, the film comes off as a comedy in many scenes, like a GENUINE comedy, especially from Brandon Smith's borderline sassy comic relief who says stuff like "aw hell naw!" The Creeper even does some intentionally goofy stuff, like sassily wagging his fingers at somebody and using kung fu to deflect gunshots (lolololol oh god) but it's hard to tell if it's serious or not because of Salva's awful directing.
12Mushroomhead
Superbuick


I guess one thing that was kind of cool is that The Creeper's classic not only returns, but gets a shit ton of on screen time. The truck is actually like a main character in the film and we learn more about what it can do. It's pretty cool but it's not cool enough to make the film better.
13Fukkk Offf
Love Me Hate Me Kiss Me Kill Me


it's also directed by a convicted child molestor so yay. Tbh I'm not one to connect a person's art with their personal life, as Roman Pulanski is also a child rapist but people still love his work. People still give Varg Vikernes, Keith Moon, and Matthew Broderick passes (idk bout Varg but people aren't boycotting his work) so I don't think it's fair to connect the two things. Fuck Victor Salva as a person, but art is art and should viewed honestly.

So here, view it honestly...

https://youtu.be/5wFKsB6QDEM?t=4m3s
here's a scene from the movie. it was by far the funneist moment from the film and even in this clip you can hear the audience chuckle. glad to see mine wasn't the only one that laughed, although my theater laughed alot harder and louder.
14AAAAnd We Lost This Civil War
The Black Album


So yeah like this film is really really really really really bad. It's currently in fierce competition with the 4th DoaWK film for worst movie of the year, but it's hard to say which is worse. There's one good scene in the entire film involving the teenage bikers stumbling across the Creepers truck, and it's almost as if that scene were written and directed by someone else. The rest of the film is fucking atrocious in every single regard. Fuck the movie. Confusing/nonexistent narrative, no pacing, too many characters, careless directing, awful script, a goofy villain, no resolution, and a slap to the face to the JC fanbase. I will say that the film makes for an AMAZING unintentional comedy and would actually recommend seeing it solely for how funny it is.
15Kringe (TX)
I Promise I'm Not That Ugly


Actually, here's one defense of the film. Several news outlets are saying that the teenage girl character is molested by her father and that her father comes in to defend his stance, and that the film sides with the father. That's really fucked up, especially coming from a film made a by a child molester, but this little fact isn't true. The daughter has no explored or detailed backstory due to shitty character development, and her dad is literally not even a character in the film at all! I'm not sure if I missed something or if these news writers are just trying to get people to protest this film due to the director's criminal history. Although he probably deserves it, it's pretty fucked up for news outlets to lie about content of the movie just to get attention. There's certainly no scene of anyone defending child rape. Fuck you, i would expect trolls on message boards to spread lies like this, not legit media outlets like IGN and ScrewAttack ("legit")
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