Review Summary: A good album that got recorded by the wrong band
Even if you removed 1988’s Cold Lake from its controversial place in Celtic Frost’s legendary discography, it’d still be a pretty ***in’ weird metal album. Much has been made about the band’s alleged sellout period, going from influencing literally every extreme metal genre you’ve ever heard among others to aspirations of commercialized glam metal. But of course, Celtic Frost could never go full Motley Crue even if they tried. Yet to everyone’s seeming detriment at the time, they could never go full Motley Crue… even if they tried.
When judged by on its own merits, Cold Lake is a cautionary tale of what happens when the musicianship and songwriting are misaligned for a given piece of music. That’s not for lack of trying on the band’s part though, as this sort of blackened hair mush ends up with its own awkward charm. It really just comes down to the limitations in their performances with the rhythm guitars still rooted in their old grimy bluntness while the leads and solos are just shy of the shredding they aspire to. On the flip side, the drums actually keep together well and the lingering grit gives the bass extra character in spots.
One could argue that your feelings on the album can be determined by how much stock you put into the vocals. Thomas Gabriel (as ol G Warrior is credited here) has never been a technically gifted singer, best suited to the gruff shouts and more ominous cleans that have defined his other outings. The singing here completely goes against his natural inclinations, leading to many a jumbled melody or whiny strains from the high notes that he just can’t reach. Yet at the same time, his sneers hint at a cheeky side that can be endearing in the right mood.
Normally my attitude is that good songwriting can make up for or even strengthen faulty musicianship but here, it makes for an album that’s hypothetically great rather than actually great. Songs like “Seduce Me Tonight,” “Cherry Orchards,” and “Juices Like Wine” are driven by the sort of choruses that are catchy enough to enjoy chuckling at and one can sense a heavier intent behind the grinding rhythm on a song like “Downtown Hanoi.” There’s enough attempts at what could’ve been power-thrash on fast galloping tracks like “Petty Observations” and “(Once) There Were Eagles.”
In a way similar to Never Say Die!, Cold Lake has always felt like a good album that ended up getting recorded by the wrong band. The songs are actually decently written in a vacuum and there’s enough oomph in the playing to suggest that the band wasn’t half-assing it. But it’s also easy to imagine how much better these songs would’ve turned out had they brought on a singer to push them closer to what Metal Church or Savatage were doing around the same time. I can appreciate this album for the oddity it is, but even the ways to improve it would just completely remove it from the Celtic Frost orbit. It’s not as terrible as Discharge’s glam venture but Dolan-era Venom and Onslaught provided better quality ways to pivot.
As an addendum, I’ve always wondered what these songs would end up sounding like in the hands of the sleazier NWOTHM bands. I mean, maybe somebody like Cauldron or Savage Master could pull off a “Little Velvet” cover? Get Battlesnake to do “Dance Sleazy?” An autist can dream.
