Review Summary: A$$$
After taking one of the most brutal and public L’s of all-time (at the time of this writing, we are one week out from the most-viewed Super Bowl halftime show climaxing with calling him a pedophile), it’s easy to draw parallels between Drake's damaged reputation and the cold, harsh environment that he finds himself engulfed in on the cover for
$ome $exy $ongs 4 U. Despite the hostile conditions, he finds himself standing tall next to frequent collaborator and the album’s co-billed artist, PARTYNEXTDOOR, in an imposing manner, as if to acknowledge that while he may not have a warm reception by the culture at present, he can weather the storm with the riches he has amassed and the support of his confidants. When viewed up close, it actually works as a pretty striking image that is at least a massive improvement from the pregnant emojis and children’s drawings that have adorned his recent outings. If you zoom out, however, and view the cover from a little further away, another visual message can be interpreted:
He’s sucking his d
ick.
It looks like PARTYNEXTDOOR is sucking Drake’s d
ick.
I can’t unsee it.
While undoubtedly an accident, it is extremely kismet to have such a perfect visual for two dudes who have increasingly found themselves leaning into toxic-manosphere ideology scan as homoerotic at a glance.
$ome $exy $ongs 4 U is rife with these tones as it continues Drake’s tired themes of degrading and conquering women as a display of dominance to other men. PARTYNEXTDOOR tags along less as a partner, and more as a patsy for plausible deniability for the impending washed accusations hurled in Drake’s direction to be kicked further down the road - the fine people over at r/Drizzy are already insisting that it’s okay that this project is a dud because this isn’t solo record. It’s far from the most d
amning allegation he’s currently facing, but his flame is very much dimmed when even falling back to being Drake With The Melodies is too tall a task.
But we’re getting a bit ahead of ourselves here. Obviously
$$$4U is a bit of a loaded proposition coming off the heels of such a public and fiery feud (and in the midst of a rather embarrassing lawsuit), but it’s the lack of commitment to its supposed concept of being some sexy songs that truly does it in. Very few of the songs are actually sexy, with much of the album’s twenty-one (!!!) tracks find Drake throwing everything at the wall to find his level and a way forward. The results are equal parts hilarious and embarrassing. “BRIAN STEEL” is quite literally a song about leaving a sexual situation because his masculinity is at stake and he needs to heed the call with his boys. “GIMME A HUG” practically writes the joke itself, as Drake tries to downplay his defeat (“f
uck a rap beef/I’m tryna get the party lit”) before making the song’s title demand to strippers to strippers at the club who are on the clock. As if that weren’t enough, the song ends with a sudden interpolation of Aaron Hall’s* “I Miss You” which sounds like a tortured karaoke session in front of the strip club’s captive audience. Is this sexy yet?
*A man who himself has had very credible allegations of sexual assault levied his way
I’m not exactly employing the waistband method when hearing “MEET YOUR PADRE” either, a song that fights valiantly to claim the spot at the bottom of Drake’s entire discography. His worst tendencies are on display here, feigning a frankly racist accent (he frequently pronounces “girl” as “gyal”) over a flamenco beat that honestly plays out like a hispanic stereotype having a musical number in a Dreamworks Picture. Imagine, if you will, a parrot wearing a sombrero voiced by someone like James Franco meeting the main characters with some truly heinous lines (“I want your phone numero, por favor”, “I want to pay your rent and pay your taxes/She kissed my cheek and she said, ‘muchas gracis’”). “DIE TRYING” attempts to cash in on the same radio-friendly rock that fellow rappers like Post Malone and Machine Gun Kelly have cashed in on that lands more like a really, really bad Weezer song. The acoustic strumming is pleasant enough, but completely rudderless other than PARTYNEXTDOOR’s extremely grating hook. Rivers Cuomo would be a massive improvement.
That’s not limited to just one song. PARTY sounds truly horrendous on here, with his voice constantly sounding blown out and strained. I don’t really care if he’s playing with his nose now, would somebody
please play with his EQ? There’s a moment on “MOTH BALLS” where the beat switches from a fairly boilerplate RnB beat to a rather haunting funeral dirge that would actually be kind of cool where it not for his nails-on-the-chalkboard repetition of “you’re doing that thing, you’re doing that thing, you’re doing that thing, you’re doing that thing again” that needed to be left on the cutting room floor. It’s not like Drake does the rest of the song favors (“I remember stressin’ over bills like a Buffalo fan”) but PARTY’s contribution almost sounds like a joke. His lone solo track (compared to Drake’s six) is “DEEPER,” which admittedly does actually sound like an attempt at a sexy song. It’s still a sonic affront, but you at least get the sense that it’s an honest try at boinking material rather than the incel harassment throughout most of the runtime.
He croons the namesake of the project on “SOMETHING ABOUT YOU” (All of these songs are for you, sexy songs for you”) but we have to interrogate just who the “U” in question is. Yes, we have to ask ourselves who the intended audience is with lines like:
I might waterproof the seats for some pussy play
Don’t care where that pussy play, shit
NFL, NHL, NBA
I ain’t ‘bout to make you sign no NDA
At one point, Drake gives a shoutout to Baka -yes, the one with a weird case- for carrying a gun in a Louis Vuitton bag. It’s still somehow less offensive than “I’m pulling strings, sh
it could get acoustic, my love.” His proclamations that are ostensibly toward women read more like brazen tinder openers reposted to twitter than a stab at real connection. So, again, I ask: is this sexy yet?
Credit where credit is due, there are a handful of moments that approach being cool. “CRYING IN CHANEL” does have an intoxicating atmosphere that, while a tad underwritten, is a decent approximation of what an updated
Take Care might sound like with a more minimalist approach -PARTY not being here is a bonus. “PIMMIE’S DILEMMA” is unquestionably the best song here, but it’s a delicate interlude that finds both of the billed artists being completely absent. “NOKIA” is the only song here where it remotely feels like Drake is on the same page as the audience. It’s a shockingly vibrant jam with a really playful energy that mercifully finds Drake being able to not take himself seriously. He’s still the worst part of the song, and it’s difficult to not wish someone like DRAM had landed this instead, but it’s still a good time with some gloriously cheesy synths that sound plucked right out of the 90’s. Maybe this is the direction Drake needs to go into, as his days of being a tough guy and uncontroversial heart-throb are gone. The man can still write a hook when he wants to, he just needs to be less gross and self-congratulatory about it.
While Drake’s loss to Kendrick brought a spotlight to his decline, it did not cause it.
If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late just celebrated its tenth anniversary, and that was the last time Drake’s popularity truly lived up to the hype. It’s been boring, bloated project after boring, bloated project since. The accents change, but the quality doesn’t.
$ome $exy $ongs, for all its cartoonish obfuscation, is an album with a lot at stake for Drake. It fails on every level. It’s not fun. It’s not sexy. It’s not impressive. It’s not inventive. It’s another nail in his coffin. These two supposed-titans of RnB commit alchemy and turn it into RnR, mirroring Adin Ross sniffing Andrew Tate’s seat more than two fellas trying to score as wingmen on a night on the town. I don’t like Drake when he acts tough. Turns out, I don’t like Drake with the melodies either.
