Review Summary: Merry Crunkmass to you all
Jeremy Bentham advocated for women's right in the 18th century. The ancient Greek scientist Archimedes created defensive innovations so good that the Romans thought they were made by the gods. And how can we forget about Nikola Tesla? That Slav probably created wifi or something. And Tesla. So yahhp, step aside Elon, nobody is impressed with your "achievements". Being ahead of one's time is a double-edged sword: on one hand you get to spearhead human evolution, to mold the destiny of mankind, but on the other hand you basically live in a different universe, no one understands your Genius. Being ahead of time means loneliness, by definition.
This is what pizzamachine must have gone through when he decided to release a Christmas album in September. Nobody is ready to celebrate Christmas in September, Germans celebrate Oktoberfest, Afghans celebrate 9/11, and Americans celebrate National Pepperoni Pizza Day? WTF??? Is that a real thing? It just came up on google. Well, that's relatively close to Christmas, isn't that? Or maybe, in the True North strong and free, it's Christmas all year round.
The album opens with a quote from the man himself, Santa H. Claus, who congratulates you for having been very crunky this year. Flexing a featuring from Father Christmas right at the start of your album is a major chad move, and pizzamachine isn't afraid of chad moves, being a chad himself. Crunky Jingle Bells stuns you with its indecipherable melodies, are they polytonal or just a reharmonization? Turns out the latter is correct; the whole melody has been transposed a major third below, displaying pizza's proficency with the musical lexicon of jazz and, frankly, every other genre in existence. An opening track that truly jingles your bells.
Pizzamachine is known for his work ethics. He released around ten hours of music this year; you could start listening to his 2024 oeuvre at the start of your workday and still have a couple of albums left by the end of it. With an output like that, it would be reasonable to expect his music to be half-assed, but far from it: the pristine melodies, intricate arrangements and emotional screams will delight the finest palates. 'A Very Merry Crunkmas Tradition' will project you on the astral plane, you will walk through transmorphing landscapes, propelled by the transportative nature of songs like 'Crunk for Christmastime' and 'Do You Hear What I Hear??? o_O', with song titles that pay homage to the MySpace music culture of the late 2000s.
Has the world managed to catch up with 'A Very Merry Crunkmas Tradition'? Have people begun to understand its sheer brillance or do we have to wait for Christmas 2025? Only time will tell, time cannot be ahead of its time, all we can do right now is crunk it up with Canada's prime export.
