Review Summary: ass music
Throwing on a new Coldplay album in 2024 and comparing it to their vintage output is an exercise in futility. The omnipresent quartet have long indulged in the art of making bombastic music meant to be blasted in the world’s largest stadiums and arenas, and to follow the trend line on the graph of their career is to witness their creative energy slowly surrender to a gaping, vacuous maw. 2021’s
Music of the Spheres, while maligned by audiences and critics alike, still managed to find redeemability in some of its musical aims, namely through its ambitious and hefty closer “Coloratura”. Brushstrokes like this could always be counted on to remind disgruntled listeners that despite their foibles, Coldplay remained a group of focused professionals who could always be relied upon to deliver the goods to some degree; hell, even the horrific
A Head Full of Dreams had “Adventure of a Lifetime” to offer. No such concessions can be made about
Moon Music, an album full of half-baked arena fodder that will only succeed in making you feel like you’ve been wandering aimlessly through Target for 45 disorienting minutes.
On their newest record, Coldplay toe the line of inoffensiveness and marketability so ardently that their latest collection of songs has the distinct property of making almost no impression whatsoever. With the exception of lead single “feelslikeimfallinginlove”, which I guess can be praised as
slightly memorable, the majority of
Moon Music’s tracklist sounds downright royalty-free. The robotic acoustics of “JUPiTER” and blustery emptiness of the pads and banal spoken word samples that dominate “Rainbow Emoji” (not really sure how else to type that) call stock YouTube video intro music to mind more than anything else. It doesn't get much better from there, as the record’s more playful tunes like “iAAM” or “GOOD FEELiNGS” recall a soulless recreation of the band’s
X&Y sound crossed with a cursed interpolation of “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” on one hand, and a funk-influenced Chainsmokers nightmare on the other. That last thought isn’t just a comparison, by the way; the Chainsmokers co-produced “GOOD FEELiNGS”, and their fingerprints are all over the murder weapon. The musical nothingness and commitment to meaningless platitudes don’t end at that checkpoint either, as Peloton has probably already contacted the band to acquire the rights to “AETERNA” for their content, only for it to be followed by a song with the brilliant and original title of “ALL MY LOVE” whose songwriting matches the vibe of its namesake right off the bat.
Coldplay’s overarching message throughout
Music of the Spheres and
Moon Music seems to be one of unity, cooperation, and the universality of the human experience. Regrettably,
Moon Music follows in its predecessor’s footsteps by being universally bland, lyrically barren, and committing the mortal sin of posturing as a deep and important record while containing absolutely nothing of relevance. It’s only memorable when it veers off the road and into disastrous territory, with the electronic schlock of “WE PRAY” revealing itself as one of the most abhorrent and ill-advised songs of the year if the listener looks close enough. It’s forgettable at its best and infuriating at its worst, a fact that may end up uniting music appreciators across the globe, just not the way Coldplay intended.
