Meghan Trainor
Timeless


1.0
awful

Review

by Shamus248 CONTRIBUTOR (120 Reviews)
June 8th, 2024 | 49 replies


Release Date: 06/07/2024 | Tracklist

Review Summary: One of the albums of all time.

Meghan Trainor refuses to go the f*ck away. It's hard to believe it's already been a decade since she brought "booty back" with her lilac-stenched smash "All About That Bass." Aside from the handful of uncritical drones who welcomed it into the 2014 pop environs with open arms, the song (and Trainor as an artist by proxy) was smoked out on impact for its empty platitudes, cheap and artificial throwback vibes, and Trainor's tone-deaf vocal affectations. Ten years and five albums later, Trainor is still doing the same damn thing. She's still pandering to unflattering doo wop revivalism, with even less personality than some of her hostile and decadent radio hits ("Bass", "Dear Future Husband"). Timeless, her hilariously titled latest outing, doesn't even have that going for it.

Trainor, whose voice is unspectacular on a good day, continues to do her best blackvoice while she weaves sleazy passages of snobbish, self-aggrandizing fluff, like on "Been Like This," the album's commercial flop of a lead single. She still wants to make this saxophone-heavy big band flavor of dance-pop a thing, even though her persona as an artist is one that's so unlikable, you doubt she can actually be chuffed to say anything of substance. The best she can muster when she's not giving herself a tongue bath is ditzy surface-level romantic proclivity, like on "Crowded Room," which suffers from putrid songwriting and no sense of melody or structure. Hot on its heels is "Whoops" (which should be the title of her biopic), where Trainor fails to spit fire at an unfaithful muse but succeeds admirably at body-shaming the mistress who drove a wedge between them. "She got 'bout half of my looks with no class," our Sleigh Kween sneers before the track vaults into another dimension of comical self-importance via a key change. Leave that to the legends, Meg (Backstreet Boys, Whitney), you're not that b*tch. Elsewhere, Trainor does her best rip-off of Miley Cyrus' "Flowers" ("Crushin'") and plagiarizes the ideas and hook of her own hit "Like I'm Gonna Lose You" on the closing title cut.

Timeless is a forgettable and sloppy collection of repetitive tropes, less-than-half-baked ideas, unremarkable and even unsettling vocals, and robotic compositions and production that try to be a lot sweeter and vivacious than they actually are. It's reassuring, though, that the general public has all but completely rejected Trainor as a fixture in the pop zeitgeist. For the six people out there who were on pins and needles waiting for this one to drop, fear not; this album is painstakingly similar to all of its predecessors, so you can rest assured that there are no risks and no surprises. For an album called Timeless, Trainor sure does seem trapped in 2014. If only we could have actually left her there.



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user ratings (12)
1.2
awful
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Comments:Add a Comment 
Asdfp277
June 8th 2024


24421 Comments


mother is mothering

Trebor.
Emeritus
June 8th 2024


59903 Comments


I thought people (rightly) bullied her into retiring. Or was that Tones and I?

neekafat
Staff Reviewer
June 8th 2024


26307 Comments


Groundbreaking

Koris
Staff Reviewer
June 8th 2024


21276 Comments


Mother is still one of the worst songs I've ever heard

Koris
Staff Reviewer
June 8th 2024


21276 Comments


"I thought people (rightly) bullied her into retiring. Or was that Tones and I?"

Pretty sure you're referring to Tones and I, but a lot of people tried to do the same thing with Meghan Trainor. And yet somehow, Mother became a top 25 hit. Not sure how it even got that popular tbh

Mort.
June 8th 2024


25559 Comments


'For the six people out there who were on pins and needles waiting for this one to drop, fear not; this album is painstakingly similar to all of its predecessors, so you can rest assured that there are no risks and no surprises.'

this is not the correct usage of a semi colon

Pheromone
June 8th 2024


21443 Comments


mort you're timeless

Mort.
June 8th 2024


25559 Comments


and tones and I was not bullied into retiring as far as im aware. she talked about a few years ago but is still releasing music. she has a second album planned and is doing a major tour later this year (shes just been supporting pink)

ReturnToRock
June 8th 2024


4806 Comments


Meghan Trainor wishes she was Toni Storm...

Shamus248
Contributing Reviewer
June 8th 2024


901 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

Mort is a Tones And I fan confirmed

vult
June 8th 2024


2377 Comments


Woof imagine seeing Pink and Tones & I in 2024

Dmax28
June 8th 2024


1294 Comments


Badass review.

Shamus248
Contributing Reviewer
June 8th 2024


901 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

Preciate ya big dawg

Mort.
June 8th 2024


25559 Comments


'Mort is a Tones And I fan confirmed'


this is almost as bad as the time as when the boys at school said i was into high school musical and i got so worked up i cried

Dmax28
June 8th 2024


1294 Comments


I like how so far no one else cares enough to even rate this. But I really have a feeling it is as bad as you described. Thanks for doing the legwork for us ahah.

Shamus248
Contributing Reviewer
June 8th 2024


901 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

This is definitely one of those "I listened so you don't have to" situations haha

mkmusic1995
Contributing Reviewer
June 8th 2024


1816 Comments


You are a brave man for having listened to this Shamus! Thank you for your service

Kusangii
June 8th 2024


6743 Comments


she thicc

Sevengill
June 8th 2024


12168 Comments


"I have never been more grateful for this life that my incredible Megatronz have gifted me with."

...ew

Shamus248
Contributing Reviewer
June 9th 2024


901 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

^ bro i legit came close to vomiting when i saw she said that jfc



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