Review Summary: The greatest satanic rock record of the 21st Century. [citation needed]
HEY YOU! YES YOU! SPUTNIKMUSIC READER!
Do you:
1. hate the current musical landscape?
2. wish for rock music to be at the top of the Billboard 200 again?
3. think that older, rawer music was the best music?
4. believe that Megadeth sold out to the mainstream on "Peace Sells"?
5. worship satan?
666. agree or disagree with one or more of the listed points excluding this one?
Well, boy oh boy I have some snake oil to cure your woes!!1!1!
Introducing the Czech "
KVLT" metal band 666Satanic Army666, who is here to blow those lackluster acts of yester-today into the past millennium, with their sole release "
Praise Him" a sweet and succinct two song EP that leaves you craving more and more of it once it's over.
The EP's sound shows a back-to-basics raw and muddy sound approach that has been replicated successfully by a variety of artists in the past, such as Deicide (In Torment In Hell), Slayer (World Painted Blood) and Korn (Take A Look In the Mirror) to critical and commercial success. The noise rock twang. The album also deserves plaudits for a unique sounding snare drum, which rings ten times harder than Lars Ulrich's much loved snare sound on
St. Anger. The album also contains Dillinger Escape Plan rhythms with the kick drum and snare doing its own thing out of time and space and expanding the dimensions of the music, with beats on par with Dave Lombardo and Chris Pennie.
We don't need to hear pretentious lines from Nickleback about standing in line to clubs you'll never get in, like the bottom of the ninth, and how you're never never gonna win; with
Praise Him, you can just think about your master, "Crush(ing) the enemies, With mighty sword!1!!!", the fist pumping chant of “Rise! The! Banners of Satan!”, and the intellectually deep “Blood is boiling/In our veins/Faith's not missing/In our minds” as growled by the great Lord Arawan Christkiller, who is vocally challenged/challenging.
In harnessing a raw powerful riff with low fidelity production to keep it fricking real and heavy. All that polished production garbage from Slipknot and Spiritbox has nothing on this band.
This is a life changing album, and those who have heard it have also given me their testimonies on its personal impact to them.
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Listener testimonials
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"It made me never want to play a six string instrument again! I threw my guitar out my house and dedicated myself to Christianity"
-“Lard Roverdale” (pseudonym)
"I filed a restraining order against you! Why are you at my house?"
-my ex-wife
"I have your IP address."
-anonymous Sputnikmusic moderator
“When “Praise Him” is spun on the radio stations, our phones light up, with people wanting to know how this music is real!”
-OFCOM regulator
“This is the blackest black metal album ever! It makes me sad that people do not respect the dirty black metal craft. Can’t wait to see this go platinum! Grrr! (12/10)”
-Metaloral.com review
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Er, yeah.
ANYWAY This is the greatest metal album of 2006, and the rest of the 21st Century.* m/ m/ m/ m/
Praise IT. And buy my snake oil.
5/5*
*Sputnikmusic fact checkers have said all claims written are false. "No it isn't, it's hot garbage, 1/5: more like zero. Who listens to a man grunting over off tempo drums and murky guitars? Yeah it’s funny but we are not amused at your false review, and we have changed it for you. Boo.”
