Psychedelic Porn Crumpets
Night Gnomes



Release Date: 04/22/2022 | Tracklist

Review Summary: Get down with the crumpets

I’ve always admired the humble crumpet. The infamous breakfast morsel has, as I’m sure you’re aware, an impressively curvaceous (albeit sexless) exterior, fat-pancake-circa-dry-flan adjacent, oozing style and sophistication like no other morning butter-receptacle whilst tastefully masking its vacant innards. Take a bite. Experience the congealed-milk-meets-old-shoe-sole texture, spongy entrails clinging to the various gaps between tooth and gum in a disinterested, non-committal fashion. Apply jam, liberally. You now have a (shit) donut. Watch as your chosen spread diffuses into, through and out of the bottom of your budget bun down your jeans and into your shoes. Fingers simultaneously slippery and sticky, you are unable to clean said sludgy spillage w/o worsening, significantly, the state of your trousers. “May I have another?”, you say to no-one (crumpet connoisseurs dine alone). Despite your sorry-soggied state, you do, in fact, have another. Such is the allure of the humble crumpet. Only the British could have conceived of a food item so quietly inept at performing the sole role for which it was created (to retain, rather than excrete, breakfast condiments), that yet remains so unbelievably tantalising as to render all other morning-to-early-afternoon snacks obsolete. As such, over 1,942 UK-based boulangeries, patisseries and other-places-that-make-things-that-are-not-crumpets have declared bankruptcy in the last few weeks or so, crumpled beneath the springy succulence and sheer value-for-money that is the Warburtons Crumpet 9-pack, available nationwide for just £1.00 at all good Sainsbury’s stores. By retort, competitor Waitrose has recently released a limited edition range of variously-seasoned, middle-to-upper-class crumpets (seeded, triple cheese, sourdough and gluten free, amongst others) which, whilst each objectively superior products to their orange/white-branded counterparts, retail at an astronomical £1.15 to £1.55 per measly 4-pack, up to 3.25x (ish) more expensive (per crumpet, or /PC) than the 9-piece household-staple, leading to concerns as to the future viability of Waitrose Limited as a business venture omnes simul. This, our sources report, is likely the driving force behind the current controversial and only mildly racist ad-campaign against the plain vanilla (yet vanilla-less) crumpet, bankrolled in no small part by the 52,590 employees of the quite-posh supermarket chain whose collective future livelihood now hangs precariously in the balance. We reached out to the group company’s CEO for comment - a man suspected, for obvious reasons, as the “key player” behind this anarchical movement, not least due to the fact that Mr Bames Jailey has appeared in no less than 5 of the 12 propaganda-esque television advertisements released to date by the militant ACA (the Anti Crumpet Association) in an ill-fitting homemade (seemingly) balaclava, engineered (it appears) from pastel blue (and decidedly not opaque) womens tights - who (the CEO) unsurprisingly declined to comment on the matter, instead offering, by means of consolation, an exuberant (I think I mean inordinate) discount on Waitrose’s new range of hole-less crumpets (which, to this music reviewer person, would simply appear to be breakfast muffins masquerading as crumpets for clout) if I agreed not to run this story (an offer which, my journalistic integrity unbesmirched, I declined, albeit later purchasing (at full price) a number of said pseudo-crumpets for personal use, jeans and shoes blissfully unmolested and jam-free courtesy of revolutionary hole-free technology). How high this thing goes, I can’t be certain. What I do know, however, is this: the Psychedelic Porn Crumpets’ new 2022 album Night Gnomes is such an infallibly-down-the-line no-nonsense rather-quite-good-but-not-at-all-groundbreaking psych-rock record that there is absolutely nothing whatsoever of any substance or interest for me to say about it except that it exists and can be listened to if you wish. I digress…



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3.5
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Comments:Add a Comment 
AsleepInTheBack
Staff Reviewer
May 16th 2022


7484 Comments

Album Rating: 3.4

yeah I don't know why either. album's a sm0l bop though.

quintenzee
May 16th 2022


3 Comments

Album Rating: 3.0

ACAB (All Crumpets Are Bastards)

SublimeSound
May 16th 2022


88 Comments

Album Rating: 3.0

I started drafting a review of my own covering this record, but I'm scrapping it, this write up is brilliant.



I agree with the notion that this is a pretty by-the-numbers psych record. Nothing special. Doesn't reach further into your psyche like their earlier releases. Too fuzzy for its own good, but not ambitious enough to warrant more clarity in the sound.



Solid. Inoffensive. Hope they reach farther on their next release.

Dewinged
Staff Reviewer
May 16th 2022


28286 Comments


I knew you would write this one up sooner or later Asleep ;)

Very much agree, gave it a quick listen and it didn't come close to the previous one.

Digging: Autumn's Grey Solace - Within the Depths of a Darkened Forest

AsleepInTheBack
Staff Reviewer
May 17th 2022


7484 Comments

Album Rating: 3.4

Ye I've been on hols doing a road trip in France for 2 weeks so had to put this write up on the backburner, but I wasn't gonna let this go unreviewed (if you can even call this a review). The Infinite Jest is slowly starting to break me.

AsleepInTheBack
Staff Reviewer
May 17th 2022


7484 Comments

Album Rating: 3.4

Also @Sublime review it! I'd be interested in reading an actual analysis of this record, I just couldn't find any words to do so. It is just neutral quite okay psych-rock stuff from a band I enjoy enough to give them a pass for putting out something below their usual high standard.

RogueNine
May 19th 2022


5033 Comments

Album Rating: 3.0 | Sound Off

A couple gems but definitely a step down.

Zac124
May 23rd 2022


207 Comments

Album Rating: 3.5

This is still an enjoyable album but no where near the levels of High Visceral PT. 2 for me.

Digging: Death - Individual Thought Patterns

AsleepInTheBack
Staff Reviewer
May 24th 2022


7484 Comments

Album Rating: 3.4

For sure. To me it kinda went back in the direction of HV with the more obvious straight psych rock vibes, and the closer in particular felt very Van Gough and Gone / November -esque, but it lacks the careful nuance and detail that the HV records had.



Feels like they're trying to be King Gizz and put out a new album every 12 days when it just isn't necessary. Give me a worthy HV Pt.3 and I'll die happy, take 10 years to make it if needs be.

Zac124
May 24th 2022


207 Comments

Album Rating: 3.5

Yeah, there were way less standout moments than there was on the HV records. Night Gnomes felt like it was missing something that made the previous output truly great. Still, this was a solid album, just slightly disappointing.



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