Drake
Certified Lover Boy


1.0
awful

Review

by TheMonster USER (6 Reviews)
September 13th, 2021 | 17 replies


Release Date: 09/03/2021 | Tracklist


Many critics attempt to preemptively stave off accusations of pretension - accusations that they subsist in the ivory tower or revel in the world of the forms - by extending undue courtesy to the artistically bankrupt fodder that the so-called "masses" consume in droves. These critics cannot reveal their true, informed opinions, otherwise their credibility might disappear!

Let's not do that. Let's not pretend that this Drake record even qualifies as the "candy floss entertainment" that Adorno and Horkheimer famously despised. It's worse than that. It's a simulacrum of candy floss. It's music for cretins. All popular music, and some unpopular music, is also for cretins. But this music is especially cretinous. Beauvoir and Sartre tell us that the “essence does not precede existence”; a human being is neither more nor less than the sum total of their acts. Wasting time on this record is a stupid act, so you are more likely a stupid person for doing it.

But you're going to do it anyway. You're going to invite Aubrey "Drake" Graham's thick cock into your most private space. "Yes!" you'll scream, as his hot jizz splatters your insides. Because you know the second he's finished is the second you've begun. Deep down, you want to be one of those pregnant and dead-eyed emojis on the cover. It doesn't matter whether you're a critic, a cretin, or even another so-called "artist." You want to look like everyone else, only different - just like them. And I bet you already do. Because if you're reading this, it's too late. He's already cum inside of you, and you're carrying his next child.



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user ratings (159)
1.8
poor
other reviews of this album
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Comments:Add a Comment 
Ebola
September 13th 2021


4129 Comments


third paragraph is, uh, really something

FabiusPictor202
September 13th 2021


1914 Comments


Fix the last sentence

Digging: Plutocracy - Sniping Pigz

Drifter
September 13th 2021


17799 Comments


last paragraph got me feeling something

JefferyBigglestein2
September 13th 2021


341 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0 | Sound Off

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSluzDIpYuV6p0zkjgift_4qRyxBK_XoQjuwt6YvRwMmYUrG748j_JKJXb_kzo5qYwdIe8&usqp=CAU

parksungjoon
September 13th 2021


35441 Comments


Ah.

Digging: Controlled Bleeding - Distress Signals

Colton
September 13th 2021


12169 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0

really good review

Pangea
September 13th 2021


7059 Comments


return of the legend

Digging: Turnstile - Glow On

Junkered
September 13th 2021


15 Comments


I was on board with the review until the 3rd paragraph, and then I realized that this was a shitpost review.
Nice. Pos.

dedex
Contributing Reviewer
September 13th 2021


8827 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5 | Sound Off

so this review contains references to existentialism and Theodor Adorno, uses the word "cretin" multiple times, and tells me Drake has cum in me.



big pos, sir

Digging: Full of Hell - Garden of Burning Apparitions

Pangea
September 13th 2021


7059 Comments


"Because you know the second he's finished is the second you've begun."

best line in any review ever?

TheMonster
September 13th 2021


78 Comments


Thanks folks < 3

FabiusPictor202: What's wrong with the last line?

ghostalgeist
September 14th 2021


409 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

pos for making me pregnant

tellah
September 14th 2021


968 Comments

Album Rating: 3.0

Yes!

Archelirion
September 15th 2021


6334 Comments


Thank you Daddy Drake

Keyblade
September 15th 2021


30216 Comments


whenever time travel is figured out, someone needs to drop You Only Live Twice in 2009 and watch everyone lose their shit

GarthAlgar
September 16th 2021


647 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

wtf did i just read

TheMonster
September 16th 2021


78 Comments


A review of "Certified Lover Boy", Drake's new album!



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