Maroon 5
Jordi


1.0
awful

Review

by Sowing STAFF
June 12th, 2021 | 122 replies


Release Date: 06/11/2021 | Tracklist

Review Summary: Welcome to the jungle, motherfucker

In one corner, a zebra. A jaguar, standing majestically in the center of a garden that is lush as fuck. I mean look at all those colors. In the other corner, a parental advisory sticker because this contains rap and bad words. Yup, you've stumbled into the wrong place - it's the Walmart™ music section. Welcome to the jungle, motherfucker.

The Walmart music section is one of the worst places I've been in my entire life. First of all, with CDs becoming a dead product, it's now limited to one or two shelves, and it only ever features the most egregious country artists alongside pop music so insipid that even descriptors like "adult alternative" are far too sophisticated. Ignoring the important question of how I ended up there, I was amazed to be standing in front of a new Maroon 5 album in 2021. Someone who smelled vaguely like gym socks and sausage, adorned in a confederate flag T-shirt, cut in front of me to grab a copy. I thought to myself, "pussy", but then I realized I said it aloud. I coughed afterwards to cover it up and I think he bought it because he mosied off to the hunting/fishing section. I immediately regretted not owning up to it.

That was only the second most embarrassing encounter I had that day. Far worse was letting my morbid curiosity get the better of me and actually listening to Jordi. Now, you don't need me to tell you this album is terrible for you to know that it is, which is a testament to Maroon 5's ineptitude for the past decade. Even while keeping that in mind, this is worse than whatever you're imagining. Let that sink in for a moment, then continue reading.

"At this point, we've made it", Adam Levine told Apple Music in an exclusive interview - "We're not trying to do anything to make it any further." Apparently, the pinnacle of artistic integrity as defined by Levine is writing eleven straight ballads in which he alternates between his trademark falsetto and sounding like a soundcloud rapper, then bringing in a slew of hip-hop guest spots: Megan Thee Stallion, Nipsey Hussle, YG, Juice WRLD [RIP] and...Stevie Nicks? The best parts of the album come when Levine sticks to singing, and even then it sounds like he's hell-bent on sounding like Sting. You could make a case that Jordi's greatest quality is the artwork, because in a discography that includes a girl with 4 arms having an orgasm, a purple monkey vomiting while surrounded by Simpsons characters, and a giant neon "V" (for their fifth album, no less!), this actually isn't the worst album cover we've seen from them.

The music, however, is a total throwaway. Every song layers Levine's singing/clumsy rapping over the most cringe inducing trap beats, and most of the time he sounds like a middle-aged stepdad trying to sound "hip" to get in good with his stepson. It's transparent cultural and trend pandering, and even when Levine adheres to his bread and butter, the melodies are more vanilla than usual and the lyrics range from "Nah-nah-nah, in my bed / Makin' beautiful mistakes" to "In a strip club tryna get all the pretty girls to dance / Yeah, yeah, yeah, huh / I remember back in high school, they said I wouldn't stand a chance." Even though Maroon 5 have long been staples of grocery-store-core, Jordi might have driven them from even that very sad niche thanks to its questionable lyrics. In an ongoing battle between the likes of The Script, Train, OneRepublic, and Maroon 5 for the worst pop band in existence, Jordi could be the ace card that sees these guys take home that figurative prize. Take a bow, Mr. Levine.



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user ratings (72)
1.1
awful

Comments:Add a Comment 
Sowing
Moderator
June 12th 2021


38430 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

blegh why oh why did I even submit this

such low hanging fruit

Digging: Darkside - Spiral

JesperL
Contributing Reviewer
June 12th 2021


3170 Comments


amazing, beautiful, perfect. and my god i cannot explain the extent to which i do not want to listen to this after reading "this is worse than whatever you're imagining" lmao
edit: fixy

rodrigo90
June 12th 2021


6918 Comments


Because someone has to do the dirty job of showing the masses why shitty bands will always be shitty bands.

rodrigo90
June 12th 2021


6918 Comments


Not even Sugar Ray got that far in their discography in quality terms.

Sowing
Moderator
June 12th 2021


38430 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

Lol thanks Jesper I made the fix too

Sunnyvale
Contributing Reviewer
June 12th 2021


2551 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5

I'm sort of intrigued by this album, may have to listen to it just for the "watching a train wreck" factor. Great review Sowing!

Trebor.
Staff Reviewer
June 12th 2021


58006 Comments


This guy still sing through his nose?

Kompys2000
Contributing Reviewer
June 12th 2021


6187 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

Hey now I like the album art for Overexposed



Other than that I can't imagine this review is in any way inaccurate, good work sowing

Jom
Staff Reviewer
June 12th 2021


3259 Comments


Get ready for a bunch of Brazil-based stans to go bonkers on your ass like they did for the Johnny-and-Lana debacle. You don't understand, Adam Levine's 48 abs make him a lyrical genius. Did you know he's been on The Voice? blah blah blah

Mort.
June 12th 2021


16534 Comments


u have the blessed papa jom comment

Digging: Pinback - Summer in Abaddon

sixdegrees
June 12th 2021


11712 Comments


Jim please come to Brazil

bloc
June 12th 2021


66198 Comments


Flowers, zebra, cheetah, water colour...ah everything a generic tattoo needs

Digging: Hiatus Kaiyote - Mood Valiant

CaliggyJack
June 12th 2021


7327 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5

"shitty bands will always be shitty bands."



If you don't like "It Won't Be Soon Before Long" or "Hands All Over" you need to get your ears checked.



Also this is disappointing but not surprising. They've been on a downhill slope for a long time.

Sowing
Moderator
June 12th 2021


38430 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

I loved this band’s first two albums

CaliggyJack
June 12th 2021


7327 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5

Won't Be Soon and Hands All Over are the band's peak for me. Songs About Jane is good, but I don't enjoy it as much as I used to. Feels slow and boring at times.

rodrigo90
June 12th 2021


6918 Comments


If you don't like "It Won't Be Soon Before Long" or "Hands All Over" you need to get your ears checked.

Ok, I can negotiate the first 3 albums, but after that, meh....

yanagimary
June 12th 2021


28 Comments


oof don't remind me of how onerepublic fell from grace

Sowing
Moderator
June 12th 2021


38430 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

Yeah, Native was incredible

yanagimary
June 12th 2021


28 Comments


I still like their debut more than Native, but probably because I'm very nostalgic for that one. But yeah they were pretty nice for the three first albums.

Sowing
Moderator
June 12th 2021


38430 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

"u have the blessed papa jom comment"

So...a jomment?

I'll show myself out



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