Burzum
Thulêan Mysteries



Release Date: 03/13/2020 | Tracklist

Review Summary: Subtle and understated, yet touching, heartfelt and inspiring. This glorious Meisterwerk will give you the courage to seek the truth, and the pride to stand up against our (((foes))).

Allow me to recount a great tale of woe, misunderstanding and persecution. Yesterday I left my mother’s basement for the first time since the winter solstice. (Side note: I am an odalist so I do not respect the Gregorian Calendar as it is yet another nefarious tool of oppression used by Judeo-Christians and Marxist-globalists to subjugate us) This is not something I do often, as I am quite fond of the enlightenment and relaxation present in my familial hermitage, and the idea of being surrounded by the impure and inferior while forced by society and laws to treat them as peers disgusts me.

However, ‘twas a special and momentous occasion! My Dungeons & Dragons group decided to meet up for a live session, in the flesh. A rare opportunity to be sure, that I may enjoy the presence of other enlightened gentiles whilst indulging in our shared intellectual passion. Make no mistake, this is no shallow, pedestrian entertainment in the vein of Star Wars, Marvel or video games, especially not since those have become lowest common denominator drivel to force propaganda unto the feeble-minded. But I digress.

I must admit I was somewhat perturbed to find that in real life, one of my brethren was in fact very conspicuously not of pure Northern heritage, and another one seemed to display degenerate homosexual tendencies. Nonetheless I believed I would be able to enlighten them, given our prior interactions. My worries quickly gave way to the pleasure of masquerading as a pure blooded human barbarian, driven not by greed or thrill seeking, but by a righteous sense of justice, and a burning desire to rid this mystical world of the despicable (((goblins))) seeking to usurp it. My would-have-been companions remarked that a straight muscular man with blazing golden locks and Prussian blue eyes was “so vanilla” in their words, and that a “Lawful Good” alignment must be boring to roleplay as. I wanted to explain that I am proud of being “vanilla” no matter what anyone else says and that there’s a dire necessity for righteous judgment in today’s clown world. Sadly, I could not find the right words in time, so I let the indignation simmer in my heart.

The next point of contention would come when we defended a small town from an orcish raid. You see, the town banker offered to repay us handsomely for our valiant efforts, and even wished to buy my million-fold Katana, claiming he would trade it elsewhere for the resources to rebuild the town. My party made nothing of it, but to me it was clear. Not only was the banker a goblin, to the surprise of no one here I hope, but of course he would try to rob me of my justice dispenser, even after I saved his pitiful insect life. So I said “if you want it so badly, here” and erased his verminous presence. The Dungeon Master couldn’t comprehend my motives; he made me roll for Dexterity, but Oden smiled upon me and I passed this game of chance.

The breaking point came when we reached our first dungeon. In one musky old chamber we found a cohort of succubi, shameful demons of lust that craved the seed of superior races. My party almost walked into their trap, falling for the crocodile tears and desperate pleas to rescue them from a fiendish cave troll, but once again my perception reigned supreme. I slew the disgusting wench-beasts as punishment for their depravity and promiscuity. Those whom I’d been foolish enough to have trusted were now in shock. They did not take kindly to my righteous acts of justice, so I had to explain to them that succubi were an invention of (((goblins))) made to tear our very moral fiber itself with their sinful temptation, while also depriving our pure wives of the holy seed needed to ensure our dominion. It was then that I was kicked out of the group and rudely told to shower more often than once a fortnight if I ever wanted my seed to come anywhere near a human being.

I could not understand. My heart welled with anger and the pain of betrayal. I was on the verge of tears, but tried my best to hold back as I am not a soy beta cuck like the Dungeon Master who had ruined our glorious adventure with his stupidity. I ran home, face in hands, mumbling various curse words of retaliation and even said the gamer word a few times but I’m pretty sure no one was around to hear it.

I locked myself in the basement and that’s when I noticed a silver lining: Allfather Grishnack’s latest triumphant ode had been released! So I partook in this musical journey to forget my humiliation and seething rage. And what sweet comfort it is, truly would have made for a glorious soundtrack for a great adventure, if only the adventure had been afforded its grandeur, and not thwarted by (((them))). From the lush and sparse synths reminiscent of the masterpiece Tomhet of old, to the drone guitar sections, glorious chants and of course, the creme de la creme, Father’s own spoken words. The perfect album I need in my life, I have listened to it almost a dozen times so far and I keep finding new meaning and depth to it with each subsequent indulgence, gaining a fresh Thulean Perspective one might say.

Anyway, how was your weekend, /pol/ ?



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user ratings (111)
3.1
good


Comments:Add a Comment 
parksungjoon
March 19th 2020


22383 Comments

Album Rating: 0.5 | Sound Off

"review is too long"



well so is this thing. 90 minutes long or something. now was it worth listening to it all? you be the judge



wrote this up on monday btw.

Digging: Have Mercy (MD) - Armageddon Descends

parksungjoon
March 19th 2020


22383 Comments

Album Rating: 0.5 | Sound Off

also can someone please remind me how to change the rating to a 0.5?

TheSpirit
Contributing Reviewer
March 19th 2020


27112 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

Go to your profile and do the "edit review' and i think you can do it from there

Digging: Ariana Grande - positions

Meridiu5
March 19th 2020


3194 Comments

Album Rating: 3.5

Its that good, huh

I think you can do it from your profile

parksungjoon
March 19th 2020


22383 Comments

Album Rating: 0.5 | Sound Off

cheers



love ya too spirit, was vanned when u said u loved me so i cuoldnt respond

Sevengill
March 19th 2020


9872 Comments


man that cover text is like they didn't even bother

at least it's not a border of swastikas, I guess.

parksungjoon
March 19th 2020


22383 Comments

Album Rating: 0.5 | Sound Off

dzo-nga >>> anything this brainlet ever made even filosofem agreed

mynameischan
Staff Reviewer
March 19th 2020


1715 Comments


now this is how you do a joke review

parksungjoon
March 19th 2020


22383 Comments

Album Rating: 0.5 | Sound Off

please dont compare my 30 minute scribblings to your (and milo's and others') genuine effort posts.

Keyblade
March 19th 2020


29449 Comments


"My party made nothing of it, but to me it was clear. Not only was the banker a goblin, to the surprise of no one here I hope, but of course he would try to rob me of my justice dispenser, even after I saved his pitiful insect life. So I said “if you want it so badly, here” and erased his verminous presence. The Dungeon Master couldn’t comprehend my motives; he made me roll for Dexterity, but Oden smiled upon me and I passed this game of chance."

ded

parksungjoon
March 19th 2020


22383 Comments

Album Rating: 0.5 | Sound Off

oh yea shoutout to BlushfulHippocrene, Archelirion and GhandhiLion for behind the scenes feedback and general companionship

Flugmorph
March 19th 2020


23300 Comments


absolute elitist

butt.
March 19th 2020


8015 Comments

Album Rating: 3.5

good album

Digging: Acid Witch - Evil Sound Screamers

Flugmorph
March 19th 2020


23300 Comments


(((them))) (((goblins))) tho

parksungjoon
March 19th 2020


22383 Comments

Album Rating: 0.5 | Sound Off

not really i mean theres a few decent moments here and there but for the most part its just a chundering snoozefest and the vocals are cringe to the max. i like ambient and drone music but this is just 90 minutes of garbage lol

Kompys2000
March 19th 2020


4742 Comments


"I ran home, face in hands, mumbling various curse words of retaliation and even said the gamer word a few times but I’m pretty sure no one was around to hear it."

Lost it here

Digging: Yellow Swans - At All Ends

DeadBitchAlexis
March 19th 2020


3315 Comments


Yo bitch welcome back from your ban trip. Solid review.

parksungjoon
March 19th 2020


22383 Comments

Album Rating: 0.5 | Sound Off

yea shoutout to Blush for that as well

Gyromania
March 19th 2020


30808 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

"now this is how you do a joke review"



[2] incredible stuff

ChaoticVortex
March 19th 2020


1056 Comments


This is fucking incredible shitposting, Burzum is your muse park.



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