Greta Van Fleet
Anthem of the Peaceful Army


1.0
awful

Review

by Alex Stephenson USER (43 Reviews)
October 25th, 2018 | 47 replies


Release Date: 10/19/2018 | Tracklist

Review Summary: I like music.

I remember when it was cool to hate on Greta van Fleet. As Mary Hopkin so succinctly put it 50 years ago, "Those were the days, my friend". But such days of innocence and happiness have passed us by. According to the internet counterculture that takes it upon themselves to define what is truly "hip" and what isn't, it is in fact not "hip" to hate Greta van Fleet because, well, everyone does it. There's an irritated fatigue surrounding the mere idea of it. Nowadays, a negative comment on a GVF release warrants a flood of ired responses, usually to the tune of phrases such as, "get off your high horse", "enough with the Zeppelin comparisons", "they're just kids, they have time to grow", "Zeppelin's music wasn't acclaimed upon release, either".

Cute takes, all of them. Still doesn't change the fact that no matter how "un-hip" I might be in saying it: these guys are a dog*** band.

Anthem of the Peaceful Army expands upon the sounds of From the Fires exactly like how an impotent person achieves erection; something interesting could very well be happening inside their heads, but hell if we can tell what that something is because they can't translate it to reality in any sort of tangible way. There's nothing new here: Josh Kiszka is still caterwauling his little tail off with the diction and breath support of an amateur (hasn't anyone told this kid to spit out his godforsaken gum before he starts tracking vocals?), and meanwhile the rest of the band settles for rudimentary riffing and beats underneath his wails that sound about as original as toast. Is that a solid analogy? Who knows and who cares, it's ***ing Greta van Fleet. Anyways, the lyrics are possibly the most laughably bad thing about this entire album. I don't expect a glorified tribute band to possess Leonard Cohen levels of poetic ability, but even the king of "making 'em sweat, making 'em groove" Robert Plant could pull a "Stairway to Heaven" out of his hat from time to time. GVF don't glitter, they don't glow, and I doubt they have any idea what the hell Valhalla and Mordor are, either.

"But Mr. TheLongShot", one might ask, "if these guys are so terrible, why are they so popular? Surely there must be something to their sound that is appealing?" Of course there is, but I daren't call it a magnetism that surrounds them so much as an allure for folks who enjoy the simple pleasures in life. You know, pleasures such as picking your nose, eating what you dug out, and then scratching your ass as a way of destroying the evidence. The reader may laugh, but just today alone I saw five people wearing Greta van Fleet T-shirts go through exactly these motions. One gentleman even saw fit to let out a rousing belch after the fact. Get the picture?

Now, it must be said that I don't despise the musical opinions of these individuals by any means, for they are entitled to enjoy whatever they wish and to dislike whatever they wish. It is the hypocrisies of said folks that are detestable. Greta van Fleet's fanbase is largely comprised of a bunch of "good ol' boys" who ceaselessly covet the "good ol' days" when music was "good" and not pillaged with flaccid, corporate dreck. Observe this last sentence for a moment. Let it sink in. If you are fortunate enough to possess an IQ of at least minor respectability, it will certainly be apparent that these blessedly naive people are bashing the supposed manufactured nature of modern music, while at the same time gorging themselves with the most pandering corporate creation to enter the rock music landscape since the Monkees made that one rock song that one time. You see the conundrum here, surely.

In short: this is a terrible band, but you knew that already. Chances are, you probably don't appreciate my telling you as much, either, and you will no doubt lump this review in with the other "sheeple" who have been criticizing this band over recent weeks and months. Fortunately for you, I don't give two ***s. If being in the musical cool kids' club involves me growing a tolerance for Greta van Fleet and ignoring the laundry list of negative traits that they have, I rescind my membership.



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user ratings (249)
2
poor
other reviews of this album
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related reviews

From the Fires

Comments:Add a Comment 
TheLongShot
October 25th 2018


861 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

Have fun everybody

RippingCorpse1986
October 25th 2018


3226 Comments


Trying to pinpoint stolen or ripped riffs? Don?t you mean having them shoved in our faces for 45 minutes straight?

Hahahaha just saw this soundoff today. Boy you don't even need to pinpoint stolen riffs, just look at the song titles.

When the Curtain Falls = When the Levee Breaks
A Change Is Gonna Come = Your Time Is Gonna Come
Safari Song = The Lemon Song
Lover Leaver (Taker Believer) = Living Loving Maid

Good job with the review.

Jacquibim
Staff Reviewer
October 25th 2018


3513 Comments


bad review

Dewinged
Contributing Reviewer
October 25th 2018


16651 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5

You really hate this band, we all know that by now, but your review reads just like that, like a hate manifesto or propaganda against the band. You barely touch on the album, why is it bad, which tracks, who produced it, idk Longshot, that's just my 2 cents man.

Digging: Kayo Dot - Blasphemy

rhinocerosmilk
October 25th 2018


131 Comments


Seeing people praise their lead singer as one of the best vocalists makes me depressed.

RippingCorpse1986
October 25th 2018


3226 Comments


This can't be WORSE than Train's tribute album to Led Zeppelin II right?

...right???

TheLongShot
October 25th 2018


861 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

"You barely touch on the album, why is it bad, which tracks, who produced it"



When every track has the same major issues, the point of doing such in-depth analysis becomes lost

Dewinged
Contributing Reviewer
October 25th 2018


16651 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5

By that logic the review then is also pointless my man.

Dewinged
Contributing Reviewer
October 25th 2018


16651 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5

You're a good writer Alex, so I would prefer seeing you tearing apart this album that just ranting about how no one should like GVF because they suck. But like I said, just my opinion man, don't take it personally.

TheLongShot
October 25th 2018


861 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

Nah don't worry, I don't take it personally. The main reason this review exists is because I've been reading a fair bit more Christgau lately and I wanted to have a gander at his style of reviewing, so consider it an exercise in writing more than anything else



I am probably done reviewing this band now though, unless they actually do something interesting that gives me something new to say

Dewinged
Contributing Reviewer
October 25th 2018


16651 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5

Fair enough ;)

BigPleb
October 25th 2018


59794 Comments


Is this the band that shamelessly rips of Led Zeppelin? Badly?

DrGonzo1937
Staff Reviewer
October 25th 2018


15633 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

yeah. to the point where it triggers me lol



apparently pitchfork got a load of shit for panning this, but its probably the only review i agree with of theirs, so figures.

Digging: Chelsea Wolfe - Birth of Violence

killerK1
October 25th 2018


384 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5

Yea but these guys are reviving REAL rock! Rock ain't dead yet! They even have a guy who can play guitar.

Faraudo
October 25th 2018


3130 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0

I'd give it a 1 just for the meme, but objectively, this is a hard 2.

Digging: Post Malone - Hollywood's Bleeding

Dewinged
Contributing Reviewer
October 25th 2018


16651 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5

Just gave it a quick listen, Age of Man is actually a good opener, then it just goes downhill trying way too hard to Zepp it. They are obviously good at what they do, they sound tight, although the singer annoys me to no end, but yeah, average at best.

Arcade
Staff Reviewer
October 25th 2018


142 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0

we gonna act shocked when they reveal they’re actually ripping off Kingdom Come

Digging: JPEGMAFIA - All My Heroes Are Cornballs

BigPleb
October 25th 2018


59794 Comments


There's taking influences from your favourite band(s) and then there's just pure plagiarism, lol.

Dewinged
Contributing Reviewer
October 25th 2018


16651 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5

Long time fan of Kingdom Come here, and they shit on these kids.

Frippertronics
Staff Reviewer
October 25th 2018


18922 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0 | Sound Off

dude Christgau is a joke, why would you ever try to ape his style

Digging: Doopees - Doopee Time



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