Post Malone
beerbongs and bentleys



by Jordan M. STAFF
May 4th, 2018 | 56 replies

Release Date: 2018 | Tracklist

Review Summary: What’s your focus?

Look, I get it. I also hate Post Malone; I hate everything about his smug, unshaven, dirty face; his filthy, ratty braids; his unkempt and uneven beard; and his nasty, misaligned teeth. I hate how he cultivated this look purposely before his twenties, and now has further legitimized this gnarlier than thou posture. I don’t like how easily he seems to parrot and repeat trends in a cocksure, exploitative manner, wherein other rappers, who usually have something better to say than Post, are window-dressing for workshopped, accessible pop balladry. I don’t like that he can barely open his mouth wide enough to mumble, sounding more like a late ‘90s, post-grunge inspired, underbite babbler. And most of all, I don’t like that he’s one of the better pop musicians of the last year or so, being as he is some horrible amalgamation of Whitey Ford, Kid Rock, Jon Bon Jovi, and Travis Scott. Yes, he’s terrible, and I absolutely hate him.

I want you, the reader, to know that I understand hating Post Malone, not because it is easy but because it makes sense. He is by all objective measures just not good. I do want to convince you though that he is, for better or worse, just a notch above average. Which you, as the reader, might think is not exactly a ringing endorsement of Malone, and that is because it isn’t. I get hating Post Malone because he should be hated; even at his best, as in “White Iverson,” he’s making hazy and indistinct club music for people that that don’t care that club music has a tendency to sound hazy and indistinct in this modern era. But, if we’re to remove other forerunners to the genre’s style, like The Weeknd, he’s probably its best, most representative musician. The kids love him, and his songs are addictive; they’re that perfect spot between subtle and accessible, always memorable if just ever so out-of-reach that you feel encouraged to always listen just one more time to remember a melody, a harmony, or another compelling vocal moment. Of course, most post-Weeknd types are the same, but they’re not quite as good as Malone when it comes to big, bopping hit singles.

To be fair, I’m probably not giving him and beerbongs & bentleys their proper due, in part, because neither are great in any technical or aesthetic sense. This album in particular is very trashy; the sort of album made for stripclubs, better compared to “Pour Some Sugar On Me” than “Pour Out a Little Liquor.” Likewise, it’s absolutely rotten with bad taste. Go no further than “Same Bitches,” where Posty and G-Eazy trade bars about just how boring and sad it is that they keep seeing the same-- *ahem,* ‘bitches’-- everywhere they go in LA, as if to say that those exact same bitches are exactly as interested in procreating with these two pasty and inarticulate blowards. The album’s best song, “Spoil My Night,” boasts an ethereal, subtle, and addictive Swae Lee feature, only to be spoiled when Posty loses his load and shouts out his love for ‘beautiful boobies.’ And that’s just the bad attitudes towards women; he raps fairly unconvincingly about Jonestown on “Jonestown,” juggles metaphors without much literary finesse on “Zack and Codeine,” and on the fifth track, draws a horribly literal similarity between “Takin’ Shots” and gunshot sounds. You will cringe listening to this album. You will not like yourself. You will feel dirty. Which, in an album— a Post Malone album, nevertheless— that goes for longer than hour and juggles 18 songs can be expected, but not excused. It’s just too much of this guy for any one person to bother listening to, and I strongly do not recommend listening to this thing in its entirety.

Still, for something that is so fashionable to a fault, beerbongs and bentleys is so unabashedly about its own niche that it doesn’t really matter that it’s not well suited for replay or any critical interrogation otherwise. Nobody listens to all of Stoney now, but the songs fell out of it so often that, invariably, a few became hits. That’s probably what will become of beerbongs and bentleys; “Better Now,” “Spoil My Night,” “Blame it On Me,” and “Stay” are all fit contenders for a place atop the charts in the next twelve months. In reality, that’s all we can and should expect from Post Malone. His sell-by date is coming up fast. You can tell by the increasing glut of contemporaries he inspires grasping in increasing desperation for a piece of attention whenever he is absent. This moment of fuzzed-out, fucked-up pop music with questionably scant odes to rap music is not designed for posterity. To his credit, Post gets that, and is content to make overlong albums where every song can be a single. Not every song on beerbongs and bentleys can be a single, but there’s enough of them hiding in there to make it one of 2018’s more rewarding releases.

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Comments:Add a Comment 
Staff Reviewer
May 4th 2018


Album Rating: 2.8

a little late but nevertheless here it is

Digging: Future Islands - As Long As You Are

May 4th 2018


Album Rating: 2.0

man idk, i don't really care for him as a person but stoney was a lot of fun and the few tracks i've heard off this grooved real real nice

May 4th 2018


since graduating college, nay have i drank a single beer from the bottom of the can nor sat through the entirety of a post malone song. the former is destined to repeat, but the first paragraph of this review echoes my thoughts of the latter exactly.

May 4th 2018


Album Rating: 4.5

Banger of an album. If anyone takes this seriously, then they are the ones that are a joke lol.

Digging: Crack Cloud - Pain Olympics

Staff Reviewer
May 4th 2018


Album Rating: 2.5

every song is the same

Digging: Charli XCX - How I'm Feeling Now

Staff Reviewer
May 4th 2018


Album Rating: 3.0

Find the tone a tad dismissive/condescending. Super well-written, though. Wasn't into Stoney overall, but found this really pleasant.

dub sean
May 4th 2018


Album Rating: 2.5

pretending to be in on the joke of this dude's persona doesn't make this a good album by any stretch

May 4th 2018


great review Arcade

May 4th 2018


This seems a bit harsh since you spend the first part of the review ststing your thoughts on his persona and reason for his appeal rather than why this album in particular is not too kosher, dont get me wrong the review is great if not a bit to biased, but you admitted as much

Staff Reviewer
May 4th 2018


Since this is the flagged review, a small plea: whoever keeps editing the ampersand into the album title, please stop. I'm tired of removing duplicate entries for the record because of the ampersand. Just keep it at 'and' please. Grazie.

May 4th 2018


Yes daddy

May 4th 2018


Album Rating: 3.0

Over now is a cool song

May 4th 2018


I fuck w Post Malone. Although every song does sound the same on this.

May 4th 2018


Album Rating: 3.5

rockstar is a jam

May 4th 2018


new rae sremmurd has already made this album irrelevant

Digging: Bring Me the Horizon - Post Human: Survival Horror

May 5th 2018


Lol love this review and agree

May 6th 2018


Album Rating: 3.0

big fan of this review. i can tell im only gonna listen to this once, pick out the handful of good tracks, and then pretend it never existed in its entirety, much like i did with culture 2

May 6th 2018


Album Rating: 3.5

i found joy in this.

Digging: Touche Amore - Lament

May 7th 2018


Album Rating: 3.0

This ain’t bad at all. Just a bit repetitive and underwritten for how long it is, but a lot of the hooks are really good and songs like Stay, Psycho, Sugar Wraith, 92 Explorer, and Over Now really shine.

May 7th 2018


"Since this is the flagged review, a small plea: whoever keeps editing the ampersand into the album title, please stop. I'm tired of removing duplicate entries for the record because of the ampersand. Just keep it at 'and' please. Grazie."

lol you got a problem with an album being portrayed by it's original stylization? great staff on this site.

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