Review Summary: 666FUKKYOU666
When you think KVLT, you think bitter snowy frostbitten plains like Sweden or some ***. You would probably never even think of Texas, right? Well, you’re a moron, cuz KONSTRIKTOR is the most brutal kvlt band of all time and they hail from The Woodlands, Texas. Think about it: Texas is always blistering hot with scorching heat and hostile terrain…just like the pits of HELL. No wonder this *** is ***ing crazy, brutal, and KVLT to the goddamn (god, lol) extreme m/m/m/m/
But this *** isn’t kvlt like Burzum or Paysage D’Hiver or whatever. This *** is OLD SCHOOL black metal, *** like Venom, Bathory, and HellHammer, like back when black metal was basically just thrash/death metal but with sound mixing like a cow’s asshole and WAYYYY scarier, like when the band members actually killed people instead of making concert tour DVDs. There is a lot of influence from like early Mayhem, Venom, Slayer, early Celtic Frost, and the orgasmic sounds of ignorant conservative Texans being slaughtered by the axe of METAL. As a bonus track they fukkin cover a DEATH song, and i dont mean the gay prog stuff where the songs were about feelings or whatever, I’m talking about old school LEPROSY ***. That is BRUTAL. They also cover Motley Crue and you think it’d be gay but it probably works a lot better than it should...
The ***ers in this cult called KONSTRIKTOR are all like 17 and 18 which is fukkkin BRUTAL!!!! Cool that there are still highschoolers jamming the old school stuff instead of modern crap like Oceano and Chelsea Grin, in fukkin TEXAS no less. In fact, when asked about his thoughts on deathcore during an interview, vocalist/guitarist/bassist/main songwriter/pussy slayer BLAYK DETH gazed off into the distance while taking disturbingly large puffs from his Drum cigarettes and recalled: “i had a friend who shoved a full Carnifex CD up his ass, no lube. Like, it just went all the way up there, slowly but surely, and he made a face like the pain hurt so good, you know? My friend was not my friend after that. *sacrifices raccoon on camera*” idk he probably said that but you couldn’t hear it over the mutilated screams of the virgins being sacrificed in his basement.
Still too stupid and clouded by Jesus’s man fluids to get what i’m saying? Just imagine Mayhem playing a gig while the stage was plummeting at 666mph down into the depths of hell. Beelzebub himself mixed and mastered this album…apparently, hooves make it pretty hard to use the control boards. The equipment in hell probably isn’t very good either, but FUKK YOU M/M/M/ the guitars crunch like an infants skull being crushed by the treads of a Panzerkampf Tank and the riffs punch harder than the 9-armed guard of Satan’s castle. Leads wail into the caverns of eternity and shred more rapid fire notes than the gatling gun that should be murdering your family. The vox sound like six hundred and sixty-six tortured souls of the damned screaming out as they’re being brutally raped by the horned one himself. Blayk Deth is an immensely talented and varied vocalist who can do deep guttural grunts, high pitched shrieks, and harsh yelling. Satan would be proud. Unfortunately, the music is so damn horrifying that the drums ran away in fear, only occasionally popping up in the quiet moments. And the bassist went to heaven and couldn’t participate so he can go lick god’s asshole or some ***.
If you like Christ or whatever, then stick to the Eisley Brothers cuz this *** isn’t for you. I’m sure Dave Matthews and his 2-inch penis would be very comforting to you right now. KONSTRIKTOR is for fukkin slaves of the riff. Are you a fukkin slave of the riff? Then PUT ON THE CHAINS!!! m/m/