Review Summary: 'The Notebook' was beautiful, and I was crying because its hero and heroine had died together.
As we all know all too well, R. Kelly’s assterpiece and conceptual magnum anus Trapped in the Closet celebrated being 12 years old this year, commonly known as the Piss Anniversary. And as expected, your dear friend/leader/mentor/co-conspirator and overall inspiration, CompostCompote gained an exclusive interview with the R&B legend at his home in a quaint gaited little suburb of Kabul, Afghanistan to discuss and commemorate his body of work (All bodies included in this interview were of age and consensual).
Disclaimer – All R. Kelly quotes are real and taken wildly out of context, nevertheless retaining their overall stupidity.
Let’s dive right into the pressing issues, shall we? The midget pissing, is that still going on?
People can say whatever they want about you without knowing the facts. They can criticize you without even knowing you, and hate you when they don't even know you. All of a sudden, you're, like, the bin Laden of America. Osama bin Laden is the only one who knows exactly what I'm going through. I only feel sorry for weak people. And mostly what I've come to find is that the weak people are the ones that are the haters.
Totally, man. I remember I came to my roommate years ago in our shared cave, and asked him ‘You want to go fly some planes into some skyscrapers today?’ (he was an extreme sports enthusiast). And he was all like ‘Pfft. Osama bin there done that.’ What a hater, lame, right, my duder?
You know, I'm no different from a fireman. You got to run into a fire no matter how big the blaze is.
Well, your hats look dumber, but otherwise, pretty on point, man. What first inspired your urinary fetish, R. if I may you call that?
I learnt a whole lot from my mother. About music, relationships, being a good person, loving people, the whole of life. I learnt about everything from her.
Good stuff, dude. If there’s anything America loves more than Jesus and Elvis, it’s family. I’m sure our readers would love to know what makes R.Kelly tick. Who is R.Kelly, R.Kelly
In life, you have people that love to party. That's me. People that love God. That's me. People that love sex. That's me. People that love people. That's me. And people that make mistakes. That's me also.
Five things! Golly gee, you’re an intricate man. Like a kaleidoscope. Or a Chinese finger-trap. Or the aurora borealis. Were you always such a wordly gallivanter/sunglass wearer/genius?
I started to wear the sunglasses all the time at school, hiding behind them... I'd walk down the hallways, practically hugging the wall, dragging my head against it like I was crazy.
Well, that’s what they’re there for, you know, for protection. You’re not like that Stevie Wonder dick always with the shades on, and I’m all like ‘Dude, you can’t even see the sun. Who’re you trying to fool?’ What a ***ing idiot, right?
Mr. Kelly, please answer in the following order – Who is the Ali of today, who is the Marvin Gaye of today, who is the Bob Marley of today and who is the Martin Luther King of today?
I'm the Ali of today. I'm the Marvin Gaye of today. I'm the Bob Marley of today. I'm the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realise that now.
You bet your sweet pissy ass they are! How do you see yourself compared to other notorious monster narcissists with rumored micropenises, say like Hitler?
If I'm going to be a leader then I have to go places that other people are afraid to go to. That's what makes a leader. To be not afraid to step out and go over the frontline. To stare the darkness right in the face.
I don’t think British hard rock revivalists The Darkness have anything to do with it. Are you having a so-called beef with those lads?
You don't want R&B singers to get into beef. Leave that to the rappers, let them do that - R&B, be classy.
Yea man, I agree. I wouldn’t buy beef even from a rapper, really. Let’s discuss modern art. It’s a load of old ***, isn’t it? Just the other day, I was at an installation exhibit and had to take a crap. I spent three hours trying to figure out which was the actual toilet. In the end, I just made like Eric Clapton and dumped that son of a bitch out the window.
Well, I believe that the depth of your struggle can determine the height of your success. I was inspired to come out of everything I've been through and end up in a place where I never thought that I would be.
Right, right. Let’s play a game of ultimatum. If you had to pick, Christmas rappers or Christmas wrappers?
I feel that I am pregnant by music, and it is the father and mother of my child.
That’s absurd, R.Kelly, you sound like an idiot when you say stuff like this. And you didn’t answer my question.
My fans have always loved my metaphors.
I don’t think you understand metaphors any better than Alanis Morrisette understood irony.
Not only did I get an A in music but I got an A in ladies.
Look, we’re getting sidetracked here….
Sometimes I feel like music has made love to me.
God, I always forget that most successful artists have grade four educations at best. Like talking to a mentally ill person.
I'm in love with music, and I'm pregnant by it. It's like having twins. Or triplets. Or eight-lets!
Yea I get it, R.Kelly. Music ***ed you and didn’t wear a rubber.
Well, I believe that the depth of your struggle can determine the height of your success. I was inspired to come out of everything I've been through and end up in a place where I never thought that I would be.
Was that place the end of a Not Guilty verdict? Hey-oh!!! Alright, let’s get serious for a moment. Everyone knows nothing rhymes with orange. And you’ve successfully proven nothing rhymes with closet either. And if things are like apples and oranges, then by transitive property, all apples are also closets. Correct?
With my gift, I can pretty much write a song out of anything.
Good on ya, sonny Jim. (hangs himself)
