Brand New
Science Fiction


2.5
average

Review

by CompostCompote USER (29 Reviews)
August 20th, 2017 | 48 replies


Release Date: 2017 | Tracklist

Review Summary: Great art is horseshit, buy tacos

I remember when I first heard the frail and furious on-rush that is Brand New music. It was a beautiful spring day. Birds were singing. Grass was growing. Three hobos were having raccoon kebabs in a clearing. An old woman was wringing out her lingerie and hanging it up on the line. A group of teenagers behind the dumpster were drinking antifreeze and discussing the effects of British trade relations with China on peaceful passage in the Taiwanese strait and the ensuing counter-effects that Western manufacturing and fiscal political climate were experiencing. A priest was quietly spasming in the corner. I asked him what was wrong. He said to me- I can feel two fictional entities raging inside me, but I can’t quite put my finger on which. I knew then as I know now –

Upon hearing of Science Fiction’s release, I put on my favourite overalls and skipped to the nearest record shop to nab myself a copy. On my way there, a one-legged man asked me if I had a spare cigarette.

Lit Me Up, he screamed.

What do I get" I asked him.

I’ll show you my cock of course, the man said reaching into his fly.

Well, what’s the hold-up"

Can’t Get It Out!

What a Waste, I continued on my journey. It might seem strange to you, but I knew then that it Could Never Be Heaven with me and him. It’s like my grandfather always used to say – Same Logic slash Teeth.

The record shop on 137 was closed for maintenance, as they had been tented by exterminators due to an infestation of Iron Maiden albums.

Help me, Jesus! I plead. Unfortunately, the big man upstairs seemed to be Out of Mana.

Then I saw it. A copy of the new album sitting at the bottom of a fountain. Thoughtlessly I went In The Water, like Moses stumbling through the Desert. It was like I had No Control over myself.

No! I heard someone scream as I got out of the fountain. It was a lady doctor. She looked at me and cried out:

That fountain is infected with a rare disease. By my calculations, you only have 451 months to live.

What do I do" I asked her.

Well, she said. There is an experimental clinic down the road. They cure this rare disease by funneling pancake Batter Up your asshole.

That’s when I knew that the whole thing had been (Science) Fiction.

Onto the review then, shall we"

This album is a true testament to the changeless nature of man. If the virtue of Science Fiction was measured in the amount of aimless Youtubing and masturbation that Brand New’s average fanbase had done in the eight-year wait period, its value would be too large to type across the Milky Way. As it stands, it’s just another album thingy-majig with words and guitar and such.

Now, claims have been made that this album does not have bangers. Those claims are wrong. This thing is positively replete with bangers, as the band DO continue banging on about the same pubescent ***e, even as their hairlines thin and they start wearing orthopedic shoes on stage. Which means that listening to Science Fiction is like being gently fingered by Peter Pan while in the next room, your nan watches Peaky Blinders and eats motor oil on Melba toast.

Upon release, Science Fiction drew rave reviews from all critical outlets. People had awfully kind things to say about it. Like this:

“Not what we were expecting.”
-Science Fiction Magazine


“I’ve waited eight years for this! The new Brand New album, AND I only have four years to go on my slavery. Well, hot dog!”
-That guy from 12 Years a Slave.

“Brand New" More like Same Old, amirite"”
- Dame Judi Dench


I’d like to carry on telling you about how amazing and singular this band and album truly are. For the life of me, I don’t know how they keep doing this so goodly. I mean, how many hoodie over flannel shirt combinations can there be, no"

I’ll end on this. My father used to tell me that the only people who drink champagne are teetotalers and those with stomach ulcers. I never quite understood that until now. And now that I think about it, I don’t quite understand it.



Recent reviews by this author
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user ratings (1160)
Chart.
4.1
excellent
other reviews of this album
1 of


Comments:Add a Comment 
CompostCompote
August 20th 2017


808 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5

The raging inside me has subsided to a steady wobble.

Jacquibim
Staff Reviewer
August 20th 2017


2124 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5 | Sound Off

has shitposting gone too far?

ianblxdsoe
August 20th 2017


1349 Comments

Album Rating: 5.0

pos'd for summary

BlackwaterPork
August 20th 2017


1747 Comments


This album has already been majorly shat on today...

Digging: Desolate Shrine - Deliverance From The Godless Void

Ovrot
August 20th 2017


13148 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5 | Sound Off

pos'd

Digging: Verdun - The Eternal Drift's Canticles

Dctarga
August 20th 2017


1140 Comments


This read more like a slam piece on a certain group of people, rather than a review about a music album.

But holy shit was it well written, good job.

CompostCompote
August 20th 2017


808 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5

Just wait until I review a photo album, friend!

Dctarga
August 20th 2017


1140 Comments


Can't wait!

Dylan620
August 20th 2017


3723 Comments

Album Rating: 3.0

Burritos > tacos

Digging: Death Cab for Cutie - Transatlanticism

CompostCompote
August 20th 2017


808 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5

Full grown donkeys > Burritos though

AdolfChrist
August 20th 2017


13031 Comments

Album Rating: 4.5

review started with potential and then devolved into unclever song title puns and contrived/tryhard sentences like, "Which means that listening to Science Fiction is like being gently fingered by Peter Pan while in the next room, your nan watches Peaky Blinders and eats motor oil on Melba toast." four reviews now and only one of them is good. this is getting embarrassing.

Digging: Palehorse/Palerider - Burial Songs

UniqueUniverse
August 20th 2017


7854 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0 | Sound Off

Not the review we deserve, but the review we need.

Digging: Jawbox - For Your Own Special Sweetheart

AdolfChrist
August 20th 2017


13031 Comments

Album Rating: 4.5

nah, its pretty much as juvenile as it tries to paint this record. we need someone funny to shit on this album. still waiting on that hero...

Lucid
August 20th 2017


8686 Comments

Album Rating: 4.5

"four reviews now and only one of them is good. this is getting embarrassing."

CompostCompote
August 20th 2017


808 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5

Embarrassing, you say. Farting in church embarrassing, or walk in on your roommate, a dog and some peanut butter embarrassing?

Shadowmire
August 20th 2017


4538 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0

thanks

FreddieDelaney31
August 20th 2017


3331 Comments

Album Rating: 5.0

Pos'd, this is how you do a shitpost review

Digging: Converge - The Dusk in Us

CompostCompote
August 20th 2017


808 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5

"four reviews now and only one of them is good. this is getting embarrassing."



I don't know, friend. What could you really tell a fanatic that would make him/her/it go "That's a good point."



A bit like going bowling with a tennis ball, if you ask me.

Dctarga
August 20th 2017


1140 Comments


Not assuming every fanatic is irrational would be a good start.

But maybe that is the definition of "fanatic", after all

AdolfChrist
August 20th 2017


13031 Comments

Album Rating: 4.5

low score bad review, high score good review!



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