Review Summary: Apply ointment generously to the affected areas..
Dear Sputniker,
You know how you watch Fight Club when you’re a kid and you think: Gosh, this is just the best movie ever made. Those oiled-up beefy men doing fisty-cuffs in dumpy basements are a portrait of my ever-potent frustration. Everyone’s a jerk except me and you, Brad!
Well, if everything goes right for you evolution-wise, when you watch Fight Club again as an adult, what should go through your head is: Christ, this was just a very homoerotic plea for ham-fisted socialism, and may or may not also be army propaganda.
Such is the hat-trick of life. What once seemed so sparkling and eye-opening often turns out to just be that you’re gay for Brad Pitt.
At face value, and I mean actual face value, Maynard James Keenan is no Brad Pitt. A dour little thing with some questionable taste in jeans and hair goop, the man is a walking talking embodiment of a ***ing black licorice wine gum. But he has more in common with Brad Pitt than one might think. Confused angry boys flock to him like he’s an unmarked white van filled with cotton candy, never to return the same.
In short, high school is over, pal. There’s university ahead, where if you pay enough attention, you’ll really come into your own as a human. And if you happen to meet an arty girl, you’ll swap Fight Club for Citizen Kane and The Fly starring Jeff Goldblum. And afterwards, with the way the economy is going, there are long years of de-unionized temp jobs and unpaid internships and devastating credit debt ahead. So save up some of that black licorice wine gum anxiety, will ya? Life is long and hard, like what you wish Tyler Durden’s shaft would be like on your tongue.
To conclude, Bill O’Reilly has been fired from FOX News. If a fistful of Republican marionettes can let go of past icons, so can you, darling.
