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Review Summary: Mono in Mono... Remember when Bon Iver was a sad guy and not a guy who was sad for money?
Remember when he got the kissing disease from a Baton Rouge whore named Emma and said *** it and went to Wisconsin because hell, who’re you gonna kiss there?
Remember when he brought us a tender collection of raw love songs, with words as minimal as a post-game interview with an NBA player, and grief as breathless as an anus who’d just retired from the porn industry?
Remember when his voice wasn’t coated in more plundered electronics than the trunk of a car in Oakland?
I do.
The year was 2007. The housing bubble had just burst. Harry Potter had finally committed suicide. A Chinese Elmo doll was recalled for having poisonous lead in the tip of its plush cock. The first embryo was grown in a petri dish without having to destroy another embryo, making Steve Jobs’ impending death less tragic than first realized. RuPaul released a iPhone app and Lance Armstrong was accused of raising too much money for cancer. Dick Cheney sued a guy because he jumped to save a duck from an assassination attempt, scuffing Cheney’s bullet with his face in the process.
We needed a messiah, a prophet, a new hero. Someone to say ‘Hey! I don’t care that the world is burning. This girl won’t lick my bum anymore.’ Who could have told it would be Bon Iver, a man who looks like a man who uses tea tree oil for all his antiseptic and perfume needs. A man who loves love that is skinny, because fat love leaves weird grooves in the mattress. A man who once responded to an email regarding stacks. A man who should really form a supergroup with Bon Jovi called the BonBons.
But that was ten years ago. Things have changed. The economy is doing great, the government even better!! We realized the only people Chinese Elmo doll cocks were hurting were Chinese people. We pulled money out of stem cell research, wisely putting it into a big atomic barbeque pizza party we’ve got planned. RuPaul, Lance Armstrong and Dick Cheney are just memoir writers now. And Steve Jobs went the way of an iPhone battery. Bon Iver is still here though.
There are some people in the world, I don’t want to name any names, but let’s just say they’re called Shmon Shmiver, that would have you believe this is an album that tests the boundaries of folk and electronic music. But the only thing this album truly tests is patience. Patience of good people who never wanted some balding cloying needy frizzle fry of a human being to go off and be arty. Just cry your sad songs so we can feel things, you dip***. That was the deal.
This album succeeds in a few arty attempts though. It has a track-list that looks like a cat jumped on Stephen Hawking’s keyboard, which I think is neato-burrito. And if you have the Internet, it also came with some pretty swell lyric videos, showing flying birds, the planet Earth, flickering trees and other adult diaper ad stills. More importantly, it shows an interesting and very unique regression. I mean, usually kids start raping laptops to make music because they can’t learn to play guitar. But this guy…
I hope something awful happens to him soon so he can be a sad guy again. Because a guy who’s sad for money, well that’s just a clown, isn’t it?
| other reviews of this album |
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i remember
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These reviews are entertaining but never pertaining to the music because of their conceptuality so they fall short. It's well written but it doesn't say much at all.
| | | Album Rating: 1.5
entertaining but never pertaining. You sir, are a poet of some proportions.
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"Remember when Bon Iver was a sad guy and not a guy who was sad for money?"
Instant pos.
| | | Album Rating: 4.0
woo!
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2 syllables:
braining, caning, chaining, craning, deigning, draining, feigning, gaining, graining, haning, jane hung, laning, mane hung, paining, painting, plaining, plane hung, planing, raining, rain hung, reigning, reining, spraining, staining, straining, training, train ing, veining, waning, yeaning
3 syllables:
abstaining, arraigning, attaining, campaigning, chicaning, complaining, constraining, containing, contain ing, curtaining, deplaning, detaining, detraining, disdaining, distaining, distraining, emplaning, engraining, entraining, explaining, ingraining, maintaining, maintain ing, obtaining, obtain ing, ordaining, outgaining, pertaining, refraining, regaining, remaining, remain ing, restraining, retaining, retraining, sustaining, weight gaining
4 syllables:
appertaining, ascertaining, overtraining, uncomplaining
5 syllables:
transfer of training
6 syllables:
assertiveness training
http://www.rhymezone.com/r/rhyme.cgi?&typeofrhyme=perfect&loc=moreideas&Word=entertaining
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A man who once responded to an email regarding stacks.
pos pos pos
| | | Album Rating: 4.0
shouldve thrown Bono in that supergroup tho
| | | Album Rating: 1.5
His name is too Latin, it makes us feel inferior. It's too bad Bon Scott went the way of Steve Jobs.
| | | Album Rating: 1.5
But I appreciate the help, pal!!
| | | Album Rating: 1.5
For that, you get to pick next.
| | | Album Rating: 1.0
this is spot on though lmao
| | | Album Rating: 4.0
would love to see a David Bowie - Blackstar review tbh
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If i could vote, i'd probably pick Frank Ocean - Blonde or sth lol.
| | | Album Rating: 4.0
The most honest review you've ever written. If you don't become a contributor before 2017 ends, I'm rioting.
| | | Album Rating: 4.0
same
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Frank Ocean - Blonde[2]
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I will record myself crying when he rips Blonde apart and I will sell the video for money
mark my words
| | | Album Rating: 1.5
Conmaniac, though blackstar is not nearly as good as johnny-come-lately Bowie fans want it to be, I could find few jokes to find about it aside from elderly abuse. I could do Mount Eerie though!
danielcardoso, Frank Ocean will get a passing mention in my insightful analysis of Kendrick Lamar.
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Ahah nice.
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