Review Summary: Moshpit Molly and Sweaty Sandy want to make friends with you.
Metal is a tough world, there’s no going around it. A tough world filled with hard sexy men. Men covered in soot and motor oil. Men who drive pick-up trucks but can’t hold a skilsaw properly. Men who used to listen to Papa Roach a lot and now pretend they didn’t. Men who are angry because penis. So when you write a Metal album, it’s important to use the right Metal words to name your Metal songs.
Like all fine sciences, naming Metal songs gets increasingly convoluted as you get deeper into it. But there are some basic parameters to it that are easy enough to wrap your head around. Neutral words like ‘Pineapple’ or ‘Cupboard’ are verboten. Even if they are used, the second and third words in the song title have to be pretty goddamn super-farty Metal so as to offset the civil implications of a pineapple – ‘Pineapple Rape Mountain’ or ‘Satan’s Cupboard Jamboree’ for instance.
Topographical phenomena like mountains, valleys, rivers and volcanoes are very popular. You should not feel restrictions in using these. Spice them up with a little mention of Blood or Intestines to really make the song title pop. Some words can be tricky though. ‘Teeth’ could potentially be used to great effect, but it damn better not be something Nancy-pansy like ‘I got my teeth cleaned today it was minty lovely.’ It better be Metal as hell like ‘I used my teeth to bite the nose off the dental hygienist and spit it into the bowels of hell.’ Arcane pagan god names are a gold mine of Metal song titles. They sound vaguely threatening without holding much weight, much like Mastodon’s whole catalogue.
Words like ‘Dust,’ ‘Mold’ and ‘Rot’ can be used sparingly, but never with regards to home improvement or vacuuming. They have to symbolize erosion of either an irksome acquaintance or society in general. Autumn as a season is always a safe haven to fling yourself to. Falling leaves are a common symbol of upcoming death, one that even Metalheads scribble in their diaries about. Despite being a little on-the-nose, cool-sounding Metal chemical elements like Iron, Mercury and Magnesium can really brighten up your song title. Titanium unfortunately has been adopted by the rap community to make hubcaps out of.
The main focus of course, is to keep an air of menace around the whole shebang. An easy pratfall here is making the songs sound like they weren’t written by wonky fifteen year olds. But there are always good old standby’s to get you back onto a lobotomized track – Halloween, pictures of worms, names of big wild cats, the word ‘War,’ fire accelerants, lotsa skulls and ***. Just remember to forget that 30 is just around the corner. Listed in this review (yep, review) is a start-up guide to naming your first Metal songs. You too can be a meatball of cataclysmic proportions.
The following is an alphabet of Mastodon song titles spliced with AXE body spray and shampoo types and the names of popular children’s books. As you can see, any of the adjectives can be cross-referenced with any of the nouns for the same Metal effect. Also, a special section was appointed to the letter S. Enjoy, dip***!
A is for Aqua Dementia
B is for Black Chill
C is for Crystal Skull
D is for Dark Temptation
E is for Ember City
F is for Freeze Relief
G is for Green Eggs and Ham
H is for Hungry Caterpillar
I is for Iron Tusk
J is for Jaguar God
K is for Knife of Never Letting Go, The
L is for Little White Horse
M is for Miss Rumphius
N is for Naked Burn
O is for Owl Moon
P is for Proximity Vetiver
Q is for Quintessence
R is for Railway Children
S is for Snake Peel, Steambreather, Skellig, Siberian Divide, Skin System,
Sultan’s Curse, Stargasm, Stig of the Dump, Spectrelight, Silver Fusion
T is for The Wolves of Willoughby Chase
U is for Utopia Sleek
V is for Voodoo Maniac
W is for Workhorse
X is for X-Friends (This limited edition bottle is green and is only available in Central America)
Y is for Yellow Wallpaper
Z is for Zen Zagazoo
In conclusion, videogames, comic books, fantasy novels, Steven Seagal and Mastodon were created by the CIA to control the Earth’s overpopulation, because who would ever want to procreate with you, you adorable demented grown children you? Your lifestyles are such potent birth control; you probably used to make pedophiles queasy.
Good luck!
