The Chainsmokers
Collage


1.0
awful

Review

by Jordan M. STAFF
November 16th, 2016 | 211 replies


Release Date: 2016 | Tracklist

Review Summary: = "#SELFIE."

I'm convinced that "#SELFIE" was a red herring, a cynical attempt to distract listeners from the abject averageness of The Chainsmokers' past and future efforts. It was purposefully erroneous, a song so deplorable and unlistenable that it would successfully lower expectations so far that The Chainsmokers could always be promoted and elevated by comparison to one particularly bad song. It's a narrative they've employed successfully this last year, pumping out hit after hit on the pretense that these songs aren't as dreadful as "#SELFIE," because nothing is as dreadful as "#SELFIE." Now, they've packaged five of these easily available singles into the shameless cash-grab Collage, earning themselves some more time on the charts and probably a bit of cash, too. They want us to congratulate them. They want us to be complimentary. They're better than before, apparently. Well, I'm not going to applaud them for satisfying incredibly low standards, because that's not an achievement. It's also because- although, yes, these songs scrape the bare standards of listenability, in the sense that you can listen to them and agree they are songs- they are absolutely and resolutely not good songs. Like, copying melodies from The Fray levels of not good. In a word: irredeemable.

If you want a standard rundown of what these songs sound like, turn on the radio. Not because you'll probably hear "Closer" (although you probably will hear "Closer"), but because The Chainsmokers are nearly indistinguishable from Calvin Harris, Avicii, Martin Garrix, David Guetta, Armin van Buuren, or whatever European DJ is 'fleek' at the time. Admittedly, there is some personal flair here; in this case, it's the difference between berserk drops that hammer home the idea that now is the time to start dancing, and verses that descend into sappy and sweet melodies that are sometimes singable and always insufferable. None, save "Closer", are offensively bad, per se, but they are offensively generic and unmemorable, to a point where you can just feel The Chainsmokers becoming Patrick Bateman's favourite band. Charlee, Daya, XYLØ, Phoebe Ryan: it's a definitive who's-who of cooing, softly-sung girls who barely register identity as much as they do manufactured, unsexy sexiness. None of the lyrics matter, in part because you can't really hear them, mostly because their voices are at best a utility. On "Closer", though, there's a duet between the impressively flat Andrew Taggart and the impressively dull Halsey, where the lyrics are as unobscured as can be. Funnily enough, it's also the worst song on the EP, a miasma of bad Millennial sentiment and worser cynicism ('tell your friends it was nice to meet them / but I hope I never see them again.'). Nothing has changed. The Chainsmokers are boring, The Chainsmokers are not catchy, and The Chainsmokers are not danceable. They are the sound of club music singularity, the culmination of every cliche and hackneyed EDM trope this side of tropical house. It's probably no coincidence that when exposed, as in "Closer," they reveal themselves to be contrite assholes; if indicisve averageness is your strength, then you're probably no better than the guys that made "#SELFIE."



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user ratings (158)
1.6
very poor
other reviews of this album
BlueHerer (3)
In Conclusion, I feel that the album deserves a 3/5 because of it's success in it's mainstream sound...


Comments:Add a Comment 
FullOfSounds
November 16th 2016


15772 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0

Oh no

VaxXi
November 16th 2016


4418 Comments


I hate that Closer was on the No. 1 spot on the top 100 for so long. The fact that The Weeknd, Ariana Grande, Drake, Justin Bieber, and Bruno Mars couldn't dethrone that terrible song blows my mind.

Sinternet
November 16th 2016


20832 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5

This is a really bad review, you don't seem to know what you're talking about at all

Digging: Andy Stott - It Should Be Us

Sinternet
November 16th 2016


20832 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5

Lol 'Martin Van Buren'

VaxXi
November 16th 2016


4418 Comments


"If you want a standard rundown of what these songs sound like, turn on the radio. Not because you'll probably hear "Closer" (although you probably will hear "Closer"), but because The Chainsmokers are nearly indistinguishable from Calvin Harris, Avicii, Martin Garrix, David Guetta, Martin Van Buren, or whatever European DJ is 'fleek' at the time."

This is so horribly incorrect that it blows my mind.

FullOfSounds
November 16th 2016


15772 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0

Jesus I shouldn't have listened to Closer

VaxXi
November 16th 2016


4418 Comments


I think Arcade is correct about the #SELFIE narrative, though. This duo's entire career has been them desperately trying to prove they can make SERIOUS music that isnt as embarrassing as #SELFIE, and that level of desperate try hardness (on top of the fact these guys are massive douchebags) has created a product incredibly boring, lifeless, and frustrating.

The problem with this review is the fact that he claims you can get an idea of what this sounds like by turning on the radio or that the music made by Harris, Garrix, Guetta, and Martin are all the same. Its an idiotic assertion to make because they all sound incredibly different from one another in every way.

Green Baron
November 16th 2016


24749 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5

their website is the most hilarious thing ever. Don't Let Me Down starts out good but the chorus is bad.



EDIT: turns out they deleted their biography, I'll try to find it.



BlushfulHippocrene
Staff Reviewer
November 16th 2016


3097 Comments


I don't agree with much of the content, bar how bad the EP is, but I think this is excellently written.

Digging: Keaton Henson - Six Lethargies

BlushfulHippocrene
Staff Reviewer
November 16th 2016


3097 Comments


Yeah, I admire the tone in a lot Arcade's reviews.

Trebor.
Staff Reviewer
November 16th 2016


57023 Comments

Album Rating: 3.0

I really really really like the chord progression of Closer, it's really fun on piano too, haven't heard the rest of this but yeah I like that song, it's really fucking sad for a pop song too

Digging: Counterparts - Nothing Left to Love

Aberf
November 16th 2016


2508 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5

Oh well, I can't take the people who listen to #Selfie seriously at all honestly because The Chainsmokers were never been close to decent in the first place.

Green Baron
November 16th 2016


24749 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5

"Wise beyond their years and aggressively handsome, these two overachievers are focused on success… Never before has the world seen two furry browed individuals such as these two (seriously they have really bushy eye brows)… As you might have imagined Alex and Drew did not meet on the set of their Vogue Cover shoot while surrounded by super models, but rather somewhere else. Apart from Social Darwinism, the thing that separates these two men from the rest is their unsettling and uncanny ability to discover and create trends. They find the parts of things that people actually give a shit about, whatever they may be, and focus on creating and improving those parts. With live sets and productions that their own mothers describe as, “sounds nice, but a little loud,” these two always put on a show that was not ever described as sexy and life-changing, but should be. Apart from their unique personalities and boyish good looks, they have many similarities. They each graduated from prestigious North-Eastern Universities, they like hot chicks in yoga pants, enjoy a good burger, and have been rejected from many of the venues they now play at.



THE CHAINSMOKERS IN 3RD PERSON

17.34 combined inches… think about it..."

Cygnatti
November 16th 2016


32930 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0

underrated

Cygnatti
November 16th 2016


32930 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0

don't let me down rules btw

Asdfp277
November 16th 2016


21716 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

"Wise beyond their years and aggressively handsome, these two overachievers are focused on success… Never before has the world seen two furry browed individuals such as these two (seriously they have really bushy eye brows)… As you might have imagined Alex and Drew did not meet on the set of their Vogue Cover shoot while surrounded by super models, but rather somewhere else. Apart from Social Darwinism, the thing that separates these two men from the rest is their unsettling and uncanny ability to discover and create trends. They find the parts of things that people actually give a shit about, whatever they may be, and focus on creating and improving those parts. With live sets and productions that their own mothers describe as, “sounds nice, but a little loud,” these two always put on a show that was not ever described as sexy and life-changing, but should be. Apart from their unique personalities and boyish good looks, they have many similarities. They each graduated from prestigious North-Eastern Universities, they like hot chicks in yoga pants, enjoy a good burger, and have been rejected from many of the venues they now play at.



THE CHAINSMOKERS IN 3RD PERSON

17.34 combined inches… think about it..."








Trebor.
Staff Reviewer
November 16th 2016


57023 Comments

Album Rating: 3.0

Yeah again I like Closer a lot so I don't see how this could be a 1



I'll have to give this a proper listen

Cygnatti
November 16th 2016


32930 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0

closer is both good and while being perplexingly terrible at the same time. like that drop is so shit but also infectious in a non-intrusive way. i mean i don't like halsey but i like the dude's voice quite a bit. and i quite like the lyrical content - as vapid as it may be, it's also rather relatable - so sue me i guess. incredibly generic, yet bouncy and still somehow convincing fawk

VaxXi
November 16th 2016


4418 Comments


closer is both good and while being perplexingly terrible at the same time [2]

i think they genuinely made created a paradox with that song and have accidentally wiped out humanity in some alternative timeline

Mort.
Contributing Reviewer
November 16th 2016


14594 Comments


great review, dont know what sin is on about

"dont let me down" is painfully bad

also

"but they are offensively generic and unmemorable, to a point where you can just feel The Chainsmokers becoming Patrick Bateman's favourite band." lol

Digging: Camel - Mirage



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