Review Summary: Issues seduces your teenage girlfriend for you! Play this for her!
Tyler Carter: "Hey I have a great idea. You know what would get us laid easily? How about if we record some of our worst songs for giggles and ***s in a boring r&b style? Make it as boring as you want because no one cares about anything but my voice. I'll carry the EP and we'll get laid no probs!" That's a real conversation between Tyler Carter and the rest of Issues. Or at least I don't see the conversation going any other way for this BORING EP. Did I mention this is boring? It's boring. You'll be more entertained by reading this review than listening to this EP. Take the "worst of them" (their songs that is, oh! burn!). The rest of Issues finally realized their name is synonymous with Tyler Carter. Anyway, maybe I should start talking about the music...
It sucks, the end. No, just kidding (kidding again, it does, WOW what a switcheroo!!). Let's start with the good. "Disappear" starts out with Tyler Carter getting so emotional (sadface xoxo :( makes me cry :( ) (but hell ya get laid bro!!), but it gets better after that and is probably his best vocal performance on the EP. But the music is totally uneventful (I want horns and it to be played in 13/8 to 11/16 but hey sometimes you don't get what you want). I think the woman on "Tears" has a great voice and she sounds hot. I would probably bang her. Is it Nylo? Confirming with google images - if it is her singing, yeah I'd bang her. Actually I'd bang her anyway. "Diamond Dreams" is a transvestite that mixes "Princeton Ave" and "Her Monologue". It's 'listenable' because it's pretty hard to *** up a vocal melody for "Her Monologue" so whoopity-doo? shedooby da-bee? skiddily-dee?
"Never Lose Your Flames" was already a pretty awful song on the self-titled tbh. But here it's even worse. It sounds like the singer from Neck Deep 'gracing' this song with his presence (could I get a visual confirmation, NASA?). And by 'gracing', I mean grazing, because I would rather get reincarnated into a cow and eat grass than listen to his voice anymore! That was the best pun I could come up with, sorry if it was a disappointment!
The autotune is grating. And by 'grating', I mean grazing, because I would rather get reincarnated into a cow and eat grass than listen to this autotune anymore. It's not subtle at all. Sounds like asshole too. But if there's one thing we need to notice, Tyler Carter spits some ill shit on these tracks. His raps rival Illmatic in terms of lyricism and flow. His raps will undoubtely be the pinnacle of music of the 21st century.
You would imagine there to be a little intensity, right? I don't know why you would, Issues is a pop band! That was a trick question, you idiot! These songs are sugary pop messes (stay away if you have diabetes). "King of Amarillo" is now in regular rotation in Top 40 radio. It makes me so happy I weep profusely into tISSUES and I want to run around and pick flowers and prance around outside and hug babies. "But if you're scared bitch, go to church" - such meaningful words of inspiration. "Hooligans" is also ruined if you care that much. I don't (I'm writing this review).
So what did we learn? We learned that Issues can definitely get laid. We learned that Tyler Carter is Issues. We learned that I'm probably the best reviewer on the planet. We learned that this EP is so god damn boring. We learned that the guy from Neck Deep needs to quit singing forever. We learned that the inclusion of Michael Bohn would have probably made this EP worse than it already is. I'm feeling a light to decent 3 on this record. Tran
sition!! If you've given this record a listen, what did you think of it? Did you love it? Did you hate it? Why? What do you think I should review next? Issues - Diamond Dreams, FOREVER.
